Post Your Jokes Here

[Arctic]

A true European has to be (as far as I can remember):

As straightforward as a Brit.

As Humble as a Frenchman.

As humourous as a German (sorry Micha!).

As Technological as a Portuguese.

As hardworking as a Spaniard.

As available as a Belgian.

As organised as a Greek.

As calm as an Italian.

As sober as a Irishman.

As reserved as a Dutchman (sorry Hiluc).

And as talkative as a Finn :-)

[micha]

:rofl: BTW Didn't know that the Dutch are also victims of Belgian jokes (-->Highluc). But jokes about dutch caravans (those rolling white shoe boxes) remain forever a German domain I'm insisting on it! micha

[micha]

A dutch caravan, a heavy loaded truck and a snail on the left track of a german autobahn. It was a brutal race! 1. The caravan driver: Whoopee, we have reached the end of the slope! 2. The truck driver: Thanks to god! Finally reached the Brenner pass to Italia! 3. The snail: ------ (frozen in Antarctis)

[hoverfly]

Subject: I thought this was cute... times they are a changing! > > Subject: Upside down world.... > > > "You know the world is off tilt when the best rapper is a white guy, the > best golfer is a black guy, the tallest basketball player is Chinese, and > Germany doesn't want to go to war." > > -Charles Barkley >

[JeffM]

With reference to Hilucs "Belgium or Heaven" And on the eigth day God changed his mind and created a place called Australis, proving once again that God is a woman. She surrounded it with oceans making it an island but made it large enough that it was also a continent. She made it with warm clear blue waters so there would be great barrier reefs of coral abounding in fish and crustacians and with cool green waters, not freezing, so that whales could make love and give birth to their young. She made it with mountains so there would be snow for beauty and skiing but not frozen all year. She made it with tropical forrests, temperate forrests and brushland and sunburnt deserts. She made it with sweeping plains for growing crops, the best wheat in the world, the best wool and lamb and the the best beef. She made it with hills of mineral ore. She made it with animals and plants and birds not found any where else in the world. She made it for dark people and whites and all those between and made it the best sporting nation in the world. She made it complete and balanced in the one country so there was no need to create another to balance this one. And She was so impressed with herself She called it God's Country and named it Australia. Ask any one who has been here they will tell you. Jeff

[Yamyam]

With reference to Hilucs "Belgium or Heaven"

And on the eigth day God changed his mind and created a place called Australis, proving once again that God is a woman.

She surrounded it with oceans making it an island but made it large enough that it was also a continent.

She made it with warm clear blue waters so there would be great barrier reefs of coral abounding in fish and crustacians and with cool green waters, not freezing, so that whales could make love and give birth to their young.

She made it with mountains so there would be snow for beauty and skiing but not frozen all year.

She made it with tropical forrests, temperate forrests and brushland and sunburnt deserts.

She made it with sweeping plains for growing crops, the best wheat in the world, the best wool and lamb and the the best beef.

She made it with hills of mineral ore.

She made it with animals and plants and birds not found any where else in the world.

She made it for dark people and whites and all those between and made it the best sporting nation in the world.

She made it complete and balanced in the one country so there was no need to create another to balance this one.

And She was so impressed with herself She called it God's Country and named it Australia.

Ask any one who has been here they will tell you.

Jeff

In England, there's an extra bit to this:

"She then wondered how to stop everyone wanting to live in this paradise country. Then she had an idea and created Australians "

[JeffM]

YamYam you may well be right. I didnt realise that God created Australians specifically to live in her country. When Oz was first dicsovered, the Poms called it a God forsaken country. They didnt want to French or Portuguise to get their hands on it so they decided it would make a great penal colony and so sent lots of their criminals here. But it didnt take long for them (the Poms) to realise that in fact it was Gods country and they started to winge about it. And so was created the first of the winging Poms and they have been doing it for the last 200+ years. Australia beats them in cricket, in rugby union, in rugby league, they wont even try Aussie rules football and they do their damnest to stop us competing in international soccer. Their beloved airline BA is headed by an Ausiie, so is the Royal Ballet. If it comes to a choice between hiring a Pomie worker or an Aussie the Aussie gets the job every time because the employer knows he/she will work and not spend the day winging. Of course we dont really hold winging against you. I reckon we would winge too when we compare your country to ours. I guess that's why we let so many of you migrate here. Jeff

[Yamyam]

Ah, but I'm actually half Welsh and half West Indian. I only live in England 'cos it's handy for the shops I get to enjoy the Welsh beating the English at rugby*, the Windies thrashing them at cricket, and the Aussies clobbering them at whatever's left. (* - I know, this year's six nations hasn't quite gone according to plan )

[JeffM]

Being Welsh excuses you because my father was Welsh. He was born of English parents but moved to Wales when he was just a baby and that made him Welsh in his eyes and being Welsh meant he could sing. Never had the heart to tell him other wise. On the news on Friday night there was an item about a Pomie bloke who has recently been naturalised, Australian. He is still being called a Pom at work and is now trying to take out a court order banning the use of the word Pom. See what I mean about whingers. (just realised I left out the H in all my previous use of the word wingers) So what does Yamyam mean, it doesnt sound Welsh to me? Jeff

[azraelle]

What the devil is a "pom" or a "whinger", or for that matter a "windie". Enquiring minds want to know.

[Yamyam]

What the devil is a "pom" or a "whinger", or for that matter a "windie". Enquiring minds want to know.

"Pom" = Australian slang for an English person.

"Whinger" = one who complains all the time. See "Pom"

"Windie" = UK tabloid slang for someone from the West Indies cricket team.

[Yamyam]

So what does Yamyam mean, it doesnt sound Welsh to me?Jeff

It isn't. I live in the Black Country, which is roughly the area to the west and north of Birmingham. People from Birmingham (Brummies) tend to call people from around here "Yamyam", after a particular idiom used a lot around here. I'm from Surrey, about 150 miles away, but I've picked up the accent, and so I use the nickname as a gentle tease against myself.

I have another nickname, but a year ago when I joined (my, doesn't time fly) I was way too shy to have that connected with my presence here. Hence I'm Yamyam.

[Bubba136]

Probably a "whiner" in American English. (By the way, "yams" are a type of Sweet Potato that farmers grows here in the low country of South Carolina (or throughout the south). "YamYam" is some times used to describe someone that constantly complains (beat their gums)

[Robert]

In Dutch "yamyam" is the sound someone make as he (or she but mostly he) likes food that tastes good or he sees something that he like

[Yamyam]

Well, there's two new meanings for my nickname! I hardly ever complain (honest) so I think I'll go with the Dutch interpretation. After all, I see a lot of things I like here! Thanks for the updates, Bubba & Robert

[JeffM]

Pom was origionally spelt Pome and I believe, because it sounds so good to me, that it stood for Prisoners of Mother England. This was supposed to refer to prisners sent to Australia in the bad old days for stealing such valuable items of food as bread. However as I said in an earlier post the residents of good old England realised that they had stuffed up and started whinging about how good Australia was compared to Mother England so now Prisners of Mother England refers to those poor souls still living there, captives of their Mother England. But the Windies are a beautiful people Yamyam. The Oz cricket team is there now and we are going to beat the pants off you. Jeff

[Bubba136]

Robert wrote:

In Dutch "yamyam" is the sound someone make as he (or she but mostly he) likes food that tastes good or he sees something that he liked

Here the sound is YumYum.....or It's Yummy.....Yum Yum, Yummy, feels good in my tummy....an old TV commercial.

[Yamyam]

Pom was origionally spelt Pome and I believe, because it sounds so good to me, that it stood for Prisoners of Mother England. This was supposed to refer to prisners sent to Australia in the bad old days for stealing such valuable items of food as bread. However as I said in an earlier post the residents of good old England realised that they had stuffed up and started whinging about how good Australia was compared to Mother England so now Prisners of Mother England refers to those poor souls still living there, captives of their Mother England.

This sounds like on of those made-up things, like "posh" originally meant "Port Out, Starboard Home", referring to the best cabins on a cruise liner. Having said that, I thought it was quite funny.

But the Windies are a beautiful people Yamyam. The Oz cricket team is there now and we are going to beat the pants off you.Jeff

Why thank you. I'm sure the beautifulness won't get in the way of some spirited cricket (which we'll win )

[Dr. Shoe]

I thought Pom had something to do with apples.

[azraelle]

The only thing I could think of (as to why a brittisher might be called a "pom") was the pom-pom on top of the typically brittish hat of many years ago called a "tam-o-shanter". 'Course, it may also be a Scottsman's hat/cap.

[Bubba136]

I'm applying for a new job in airport security to check out passengers at the airport using this new security device. (using your mouse, click around the head and move it around)

http://home.chello.no/~siamak.javid/etc/NewAirportSecurity.swf

[Francis]

Why can't Saddam Hussein have Sex? Cos everytime a woman opens her legs he sees Bush. Where does Saddam keep his compact discs? In a rack.

[JeffM]

Yamyam Windies not looking good, all out for 237 in 50.3 overs, more like a one day game so far. Jeff

[Yamyam]

Yamyam

Windies not looking good, all out for 237 in 50.3 overs, more like a one day game so far.

Jeff

Oh well... It was worth a try

[Robert]

A statistician can have his head in an oven and his feet in ice, and he will say that on the average he feels fine.

[Robert]

There are three engineers in a car; an electrical engineer, a chemical engineer and a Microsoft engineer. Suddenly the car just stops by the side of the road, and the three engineers look at each other wondering what could be wrong. The electrical engineer suggests stripping down the electronics of the car and trying to trace where a fault might have occurred. The chemical engineer, not knowing much about cars, suggests that maybe the fuel is becoming emulsified and getting blocked somewhere. Then, the Microsoft engineer, not knowing much about anything, comes up with a suggestion, "Why don't we close all the windows, get out, get back in, open the windows again, and maybe it'll work !?"

[Robert]

A lazy dog is a slow pup. A slope-up is an inclined plane. An ink-lined plane is a sheet of writing-paper. Therefore, a lazy dog is a sheet of writing-paper.

[Robert]

Three men were in the hospital waiting room when the nurse rushed in and said to the first man, "Sir, you're the father of twins." "Hey! Isn't that a coincidence!" he replied. "I'm a member of the Minnesota Twins baseball team." Later, the nurse came in and said to the second man, "Sir, you're the father of triplets." "Gee!" the man exclaimed. "Another coincidence! I'm with the 3M Company." The third man jumped to his feet, grabbed his hat and said, "I'm getting out of here. I work for 7-UP!"

[Julietta]

I got this in my email today and started my day of with a laugh so thought I'd pass it on.... One day Jane met Tarzan in the jungle. She was very attracted to him and during her questions about his life she asked him how he managed for sex.. "What's that" he asked. She explained to him what sex was and he said, "Oh, I use a hole in the trunk of a tree." Horrified, she said, "Tarzan you have it all wrong but I will show you how to do it properly." She took off her clothes, lay down on the ground and spread her legs. "Here", she said, "you must put it in here." Tarzan removed his loincloth, stepped closer and then gave her an almighty kick in the fanny. Jane rolled around in agony. Eventually she managed to gasp, "What the f*ck did you do that for?" "Just checking for bees," said Tarzan

[Calv]

By Xaphod on Calv's machine, after conversations about trucks at today's heely meet. Truck driver's phone conversation with boss back at the depot. Boss, boss, I can't drive the truck anymore. Why? The mirror is broken. Well fix the f***ing mirror and get back to the depot. Sorry boss, I can't fix the mirror. Why? The truck's lying on it !