Mellow with age?

[drumitt]

Hi fellow heelers! I've posted here before, but it's been so long, I forgot my password! So here I am, appearing as a new member.

I'm going to write first a little about myself, and then I'm going on to share with you my experiences over the years living with this "fixation" with both looking at women wearing high heels, and wearing high heels as a straight man.

This may take some reading, but I'm hoping there's lots of people out there in the same position as me. So stick with it, please read it through, and please comment. This is me pouring my heart out to guys that must understand! I need to talk!!!!

I've recently turned 40, English born but living near Toronto in Canada and married with two kids. I've been a high heel "addict" for as long as I can remember. I know there's plenty of us that just "happened to see" a pair of our mom's heels sitting there on the floor as a kid and slipped our feet into them to see what it felt like. That's certainly my first memory of heeling, and I would have been about 10.

Ever since; well, you all know right?

I went for years keeping my "abnormality" a secret. I met my wife to be, and told her I liked her wearing heels. I never let on I enjoyed it too.

We eventually got married and we enjoyed many nights where she was happy to "dress up" in outrageous high heels and we had great fun.

This went on for years until eventually (and anyone out there living with this addiction I think will agree), I could not bear it any longer. One night after too much to drink, I told her everything. The secret shoe buying, wearing and all the fantasies, sexual and non sexual. Everything!

Well, that was just over a year ago and we've been in and out of couples councelling ever since.

I've always been so honest and I thought this would be the best policy, but in this case it wasn't!

Anyway, not making light of my continuing "struggle" to keep my marriage together, I still can't stop spending most of my spare time in shoe stores, looking at all the fantastic women's high heel styles, and wishing that more were avaiable in my US size 12 (UK size 10).

How can something be so powerful, that it takes precedence over one's marriage?

I hope now some of you understand where I am at?

Now, I'll go on to talk more about the subject matter.

I've accepted that I have to wear heels, and I've become increasingly bold over the years that I have to venture out in public. I've done all the "daring" things. Example: pulling up at a gas station, stepping out of your vehicle in 4" heels, pumping gas, going in to pay the clerk (shaking like a leaf barely able to sign your name on the credit card stub) and then driving off. Sound familiar?? What a freaking rush!! Believe me, there's been many, many more terrifying (but exilarating) experiences!

However, when I was younger, I was always drawn to 6" stiletto's and other really high and "difficult to walk in" footwear. Man, they were challenging, and I got some kind of thrill knowing that week after week, with practice, I was able to cope more and more with this outrageous footwear on my feet. I even at one point made my own "foot stretching" apparatus. But I never had the courage to go public in "ultra heels", even though I became quite good (and still am) at walking in these "disabling" stiletto's. I think I could even look quite "normal", as long as the ground was even, not sloping left or right, and going up or downhill!

I could go on forever, but now I hope I will have captured the attention of most of you who can relate to this posting.

I do hope you will now go on to read the remainder, and post a reply.

The fact is, here I am, 40 years old (but still in shape!), mariage in tatters, kids not knowing why, wife definately knowing why; and I'm still looking for that "way" that I can wear heels in public and either "get away with it" or "be accepted".

As much as I'd like to think that us guys, straight or gay, will eventually be accepted wearing 4", 5", 6" or 7" heels down the street without everyone thinking we are freaks, I'm reluctantly starting to accept this just won't happen in my lifetime.

So, I've really started looking at how I can best wear heels (to the mall for instance) without attracting attention.

And it seems (after many years of pondering) the answer may lie in "Western style" or "Cowboy Boots". Believe me, as a guy I don't thnk they are trendy at all! I've got some great Italian mens shoes to stay "trendy" in my "normal life". But as a heeler, I look at things in a very different light.

OK, there's not many styles out there with 6" heels, but now I'm getting back to the thread topic: "Mellow with age?"

The Western style boot is the only style of footwear that is "unisex" enough that we can get away with it!

I've seen some great Cowgirl boots out there on the web with 3.5" or 4" heels, and with long "bootcut" jeans, us guys can pull them off!

Problem is, if I was only one or two shoe sizes smaller!

There's loads of US size 10, some size 11, but very few size 12 that have that "what it takes to do it for us".

To summarize, Firstly, I'd like to hear form anyone that can relate to my posting, or is in a similar emotional position as me.

I'm sure I'm not alone here.

Secondly, I'd like to hear form anyone that knows of a good high heeled cowgirl boot (3.5" or more) available in a size 12 US, as I think this is really one of the only ways "guy heelers" can walk in public, get "that feeling" and get away with it without (almost anyway) being noticed.

You experienced heelers out there know what I'm talking about!!

I hope you've stuck with my post through to this point, as I'm sure it will raise some worthwhile comments.

Thanks for listening,

Drumitt.

[xaphod]

Hi, drumitt, I was a bit of a hothead in my youth, riding motorcycles and doing too much drinking. ..... slowed down a bit and took to single-handed sailing, which has just as big a danger buzz. The point is that my heeling has been with me all the time, and now I'm comfortable with my 'abnormality'. As you say, guys wearing heels will never be accepted as normal in the near future, but if we can find acceptance in society, that, for me, will be enough. I suppose this might be called 'mellowing with age'. Love to chat further, but I have Calv coming to stay for the weekend, so I need to get busy around the house. Xa

[t-strap lover]

Hi Drummit, Sorry to hear your Wife won't meet you halfway. I have had the same experinces as you but my wife did come around with my heel wearing, but only in the home. I don't think she would go for the street heeling. I do that on my on without her knowlage. I'm now 59 years old and retired so I have plenty of time to wear heels. My heeling outside of the house is only driving or stepping out for a short walk. I haven't got the nerve as yet to go into a store. I do want you to know that I was 40 before my wife accepted me wearing heels full time. I wish I could be more helpful and give some good advise to you to get your wife to accept your heel wearing. Maybe one step at a time. As for the cowgirl boot thing goes there's lots of that here in Texas. I'm not into boots so I've never checked on a womens size 12. I do know that there are boot makers that can make any size you want and in any style. If you are interested I'll get the phone number of a friend that makes boots.

[Skirted-UK]

Yes I can relate to this. When I was in my early teens in the late fifties I started wearing my mothers straight skirts and high heels. I found skirts and high heels quite exciting to wear and later when I left school and started to earn money I bought myself a straight black skirt and some high heel sling back shoes. I thought at the time that I would grow out of it and I made up my mind to get rid of my stuff when I got married. But when the time came I could not bring myself to do it and I hid my skirts and shoes in the loft of the house that we bought, knowing full well that my wife would not go up there.I manage to keep it from her for fifteen years, I had several narrow escapes in that time, once she wore one of my straight black skirts with out realising, it was the same make as her skirt but the next size up, she thought at the time that she had lost weight! When she found out she said that she wished I had told her before we got married and she would never had married me. Well that was a shock I can tell you! We went through a rough period, but our marriage survived. I know a lot of people on this forum say that its best to tell your partner in the beginning, but I have to disagree with that. The reason for that is this, my marriage survived, I have a lovely daughter who is happily married and two grandchildren. last summer I was sat in my daughters garden watching her and my grandchildren playing in the swimming pool and a thought occurred to me. Supposing I could turn the clock back and tell my wife when I first met her about my little secret. In a stroke I would not be sitting in this garden, this house would not exist in its present form. My daughter would not exist, nor would my grandchildren and my son in law would be married to someone else. I would properly be living on my own as I never met another woman who came near to my wife. History is a very fragile thing! If you tell every woman that you meet, that you like wearing heels or skirts, there is a good change that you will end up spending your life living on your own in a flat with a large shoe collection for company! If you keep it a secret there is a good chance that you will have children before your marriage breaks up and your wife is more likely to keep the marriage together if there are children. This may not seem important when you are young, but as you get older and your older relations die you will be glad that you have a family. Remember its a private thing you don't have to tell anyone. Most women go courting in skirts and heels and then start wearing trousers and flat shoes after they get married, I wonder how many of them told their partners that they preferred to wear trousers and flat shoes before they got married? I suppose I have mellowed slightly with age, I still enjoy wearing straight skirts with heels, but I don't get so stressed out if I don't do it. I wear them discreetly in remote locations or at home when the wife is out, even after all this time only one person on this board and my wife know about my secret. Over the years I have learnt to enjoy it and I regard it as a gift, I certainly would not like to be without it now.

[sendra45]

H

This went on for years until eventually (and anyone out there living with this addiction I think will agree), I could not bear it any longer. One night after too much to drink, I told her everything. The secret shoe buying, wearing and all the fantasies, sexual and non sexual. Everything!

Well, that was just over a year ago and we've been in and out of couples councelling ever since.

I've always been so honest and I thought this would be the best policy, but in this case it wasn't!

Hi, are you saying that your nearly devorced because you told your wife your 'thing' for heels? or was it the last straw?

Nigel

[dr1819]

Well, this is my opinion, having been a lay marriage and family counselor for just over five years, but it's steeped in experience with respects to what works, and what doesn't work, and not just my experience, but from the head counselors under whom I worked, and whom had amassed perhaps 50 years of experience helping marriages survive and thrive through tumultuous times. My marriage not only survived my initial heeling just after 2000, but my wife encouraged it, or so I thought. It turns out she was trying to be so encouraging, hoping that I'd just grow out of it (bad advice by a worse counselor). When she finally came clean, it was well into the divorce. I told her that I'd always choose her over anything as mundane as a simple article of clothing, but apparently she'd received more bad advice, possibly from the same counselor ("he'll never grow out of it" and "when men wear heels, it underscores much deeper issues, including paraphelia, which involves a sexual addition of inanimate objects"). Gah. Gag me with a spoon - that counselor and my wife's tendancy to jump to, and hold on, to crap like that without getting a second opinion spelled the end of our marriage. Had she just been honest with me up front... But those were my issues. Your marriage remains intact, even though it's stressed. At least your wife is being straight with you - she doesn't like it. While I'm a prolific promoter of freestyle fashion and heelwear by men, my opinion of marriage, particularly when children are involved, is that it's far more important than a stupid article of clothing. As harsh as this seems, you, as the man in your family, have a decision to make: Your family, or your preference in fashion. If you don't make the decision, one of two things will happen. Either she'll leave you, or she'll come to accept it (about half as likely, statistically speaking, as her leaving you). Given the sentiments in most countries, if it's because you like wearing heels, she'll get the kids, too. The bright ray of hope is that you can preserve your family, as indicated by the fact that she's been willing to attend counseling. A second ray of hope may come about if you concede your family is worth far more than your choice of fashion, you put them first, leave the rest behind, and press on. In time, particularly if the fashion spreads, your wife may realize she was a bit hasty and, knowing your penchant for the fashion, invite you to participate in it under some limited fashion (possibly unlimited, depending upon how much she changes her mind). This has happened to a few other members on this board. However, I would caution you to choose well which of the two you're willing to give up for now - your heeling, or your family, because right now, the two appear to be incompatible, and if you delay your choice much longer, it's highly likely your wife will make that choice for you in the very near future. As much as you might love to wear heels, there are many people who've had much stronger attachments who've learned to let go of them, given the right incentives, and I think there's no stronger incentive than the potential loss of one's family.

[Guy N. Heels]

Unfortunately, I can't seem to find how to send a PM on this new forum. Therefore, I will have to seriously amend a response that I would prefer to be more private. Fundamentally, DR1819 is correct. One really needs to keep one's perspective in these matters and try to understand that (as you state the case) the wife is forcing a choice between your footwear and the marriage. Now only a tyrant or someone so narrowminded they can look through a keyhole with both eys would force such a choice. But if that is indeed what you are facing, then it's high time to review priorities! All marriages constitute a covenant with God. While it might be less obvious for those that were confirmed before a majestrate or justice of the peace, as opposed to those that were confirmed through clergy, the concept of covenant still obtains. Therfore, are either of you fully prepared to stand before Almighty God and give answer as to why you would wilfully break your covenant and break the marriage? Furthermore, does the choice of footwear (of either party) constitute proper grounds for breaking marriage? (God only recogizes adultry and abandonment.) Now if either of you has already left the marriage bed over this, then the marriage covenant is already broken! In such event, the question becomes, are the two of you willing to return to the marriage and the covenant? Either way, God, before whom you have confirmed the covenant, will hold you, both individually and collectively, responsible. People have been known to take some silly notions about things. But if they were to stop and seriously consider the true gravity of what they are doing - well most people would come away with a totally different point of view. The matters you are discussing have some very grave consequences, indeed. You each need to take a much longer look at these matters and what is important and what isn't. I wish you the very best of luck and God's guidance in finding your way through this crisis. Let us know how it comes out.

[Tech]

Unfortunately, I can't seem to find how to send a PM on this new forum. Therefore, I will have to seriously amend a response that I would prefer to be more private.

This can be done in the same way the old forum worked, click on "memberlist" from above, then when you find the member you wish to PM, just click on their username and you will see the option to either send them an email or a PM

[onyourtoes]

This can be done in the same way the old forum worked, click on "memberlist" from above, then when you find the member you wish to PM, just click on their username and you will see the option to either send them an email or a PM

I don't remember how the old forum worked, but I just sent a PM by clicking the member name at the top of their post and choosing 'send private message' from the drop down list that appears.

[Danielinheels]

Also from within a discussion, click the member's name and this spiffy pop-down menu displays; among the options, the ability to send a PM.

[drumitt]

Thanks everyone for your input. I have told my wife I would do anything to keep our family together, and if that means leaving my high heel lifestyle behind me, then I would. So I told her I would and I was sincere about that. I even thew all my high heel footwear in a clothing recycling bin. But she says she can't love me in the way she used to because she does not see me as a "manly" man. For goodness sake, I race motorcycles that run on alchohol with no brakes and work as a toolmaker in a "rough" manufacturing environment!! I am a man! She is so distant now, even though we still share the same bed (but not much else) that I have started to be lured back into my heeling "addiction". We are right back where we started but much worse, because now I am once again hiding from her my active heeling but I have a desperately poor maritial relationship which I am equally desperate to fix. And to answer Guy N. Heels's response, I have faith and believe truly in the Holy Sacrement of marriage and do not take it lightly. However, lonely people do things to please themselves. It's kind of a short term release. Thanks for listening and especially to everyone that's responded. The moral of the story? If you can keep it under wraps, then I truly believe it's best. I was too honest for my own good. Regards, drumitt

[BobHH]

You are the same person as before, so what she thought she loved was not really you, if you get my drift. I have been fortunate that my young wife thought it was not important and even encouraged me (but unfortunate that I lost her to a heart attack). The two girls I have been friends with have both supported/encouraged my heel wearing, and several others who know have not been negative at all. My first wife would have been like yours and would have been very critical and disapproving. I could not go back to that kind of person any more, so I let them know early so they won't be surprised later. High heels do not interfere with our activities together or even shape them to any extent. They are just something I like and do matter of factly, and my focus is always on her, whoever she is. That way, she never feels threatened.

[Guy N. Heels]

Okay, everything I said before still goes. But if the 2 of you are not presently in marriage counseling, get back there and stay there until this crisis is resolved! One more thing, if the counselor yer seeing isn't producing any meaningful results, change the counselor.

[drumitt]

Unfortunately, here I am 4 months later and my 13 year marriage is over. I committed to stop wearing high heels and followed through with that. But for the last 18 months or more, my wife has not been able to cope with my obsession, fetish, call it what you want. We went to all the councelling under the sun but it was fruitless. She has moved out, although we're still friends and the kids have been told nothing more than we "ran out of love for each other". Just a warning to anyone out there wishing to disclose their secret to their loved ones. Be very careful!!!!! Oh, she's been gone for 4 weeks and I've already bought a pair of six inch stiletto thigh high leather boots and a pair of 6.5 inch stiletto ankle leather fetish boots off e-bay. Hey, if I've lost everything else, then why not enjoy myself in other ways once again? Regards, Phil