dr1819 Posted July 31, 2006 Posted July 31, 2006 Golfer: "You've got to be the worst caddy in the world." Caddy: "I don't think so sir. That would be too much of a coincidence."
dr1819 Posted July 31, 2006 Posted July 31, 2006 A dog entered the pub and ordered a pint of beer. He paid with a ten pound note. The barman thought a dog would be dumb and gave him only two pounds back. Later, he said to the dog: we haven't got many dogs here. The dog answered: if you charge eight pounds for a pint of beer, what do you expect?
dr1819 Posted July 31, 2006 Posted July 31, 2006 A priest, a nun, and a rabbi walk into a bar. The bartender looks up and says, "Is this a joke?"
dr1819 Posted July 31, 2006 Posted July 31, 2006 There were these two cows, chatting over the fence between their fields. The first cow said, "I tell you, this mad-cow-disease is really pretty scary. They say it is spreading fast; I heard it hit some cows down on the Johnson Farm." The other cow replies, "I'm not worried. Thank God we're ducks."
dr1819 Posted July 31, 2006 Posted July 31, 2006 Mr. Smith goes to the doctor's office to collect his wife's test results. The lab tech says to him, "I'm sorry, sir, but there has been a bit of a mix-up and we have a problem. When we sent the samples from your wife to the lab, the samples from another Mrs. Smith were sent at the same time and we are now uncertain which one is your wife's. "Frankly, it is either bad or terrible!" "What do you mean?" "Well, one Mrs. Smith tested positive for Alzheimer's and the other Mrs. Smith has tested positive for AIDS. We can't tell which your wife's is." "That's terrible! Can we do the test over?" "Well, normally yes. But you have an HMO, and they won't pay for these expensive tests more than once in a year. So we can't repeat the test until next year." "Well, what am I supposed to do now?" "The HMO recommends that you drop your wife off in the middle of town. If she remembers the way home, don't sleep with her."
dr1819 Posted July 31, 2006 Posted July 31, 2006 An old-timer who was concerned about his increasing memory loss as he matured greatly decided to do something about it. He went to the Brain Store at the mall and described his condition to the clerk behind the counter. "Yes," the clerk responded, "I believe I can offer something to help. We have lawyer's brains for $25 a pound." The old-timer thought that may be a possibility, but not wanting have anything but the best asked, "What else do you have?" The clerk mentioned another possibility, "Well, we have doctor's brains for $35 a pound." Again, the old-timer considered this and asked, "That sounds good, but are there any other choices?" The clerk began to stammer and stutter, "Yeh, a, we have, a we have, a a a we have engineers brains for $200 a pound." "What," the old-timer responded, "You sell lawyer's brains for $25 a pound, doctor's brains for $35 a pound and you charge $200 a pound for engineers brains?" The clerk looked him square in the eye, "Do you realize how many engineers it takes to get a pound of brains?"
dr1819 Posted July 31, 2006 Posted July 31, 2006 Three mechanical engineers were out front trying to determine the height of the company flagpole. They were using various instruments and all their available knowledge but just couldn't quite come up with the answer. As the office secretary returns from lunch, she quickly assesses the situation, removes the flagpole from it's base, lays it out along the ground, grabs the tape measure and measures it out. "Thirty-two feet," she says as she tosses the tape measure back to the astonished engineers and walks away. After pondering the senario for a moment, one of the engineers responds, "Ya know, it's just like 'em. You ask for the height and they give you the length."
dr1819 Posted July 31, 2006 Posted July 31, 2006 Two guys walk into a bar, the second more stupid than the first.
dr1819 Posted July 31, 2006 Posted July 31, 2006 Three engineers and three accountants were traveling by train to a conference. At the station, the three accountants each bought tickets and watched as the three engineers bought only one ticket. "How are three people going to travel on only one ticket?" asked an accountant."Watch and you'll see", answered an engineer. They all boarded the train. The accountants took their respective seats, but the three engineers all crammed into a rest room and closed the door behind them. Shortly after the train departed, the conductor came around collecting tickets. He knocked on the restroom door and said, "Ticket, please". The door opened just a crack and a single arm emerged with a ticket in hand. The conductor took it and moved on. The accountants saw this and agreed it was a quite clever idea. So, after the conference, the accountants decide to copy the engineers on the return trip and save some money (being clever with money, and all that). When they got to the station, they bought a single ticket for the return trip. To their astonishment, the engineers didn't buy a ticket at all. "How are you going to ride without a ticket"? said one perplexed accountant."Watch and you'll see", answered an engineer. When they boarded the train, the three accountants crammed into a restroom and the three engineers crammed into another one nearby. The train departed. Shortly afterward, one of the engineers left his restroom and walked over to the restroom where the accountants were hiding. He knocked on the door and said, "Ticket, please".
dr1819 Posted July 31, 2006 Posted July 31, 2006 These friars were behind on their belfry payments, so they opened up a small florist shop to raise funds. Since everyone liked to buy flowers from the men of God, a rival florist across town thought the competition was unfair. He asked the good fathers to close down, but they would not. He went back and begged the friars to close. They ignored him. So, the rival florist hired Hugh MacTaggart, the roughest and most vicious thug in town to "persuade" them to close. Hugh beat up the friars and trashed their store, saying he'd be back if they didn't close up shop. Terrified, they did so, thereby proving that...(are you ready)... Hugh, and only Hugh, can prevent florist friars.
dr1819 Posted July 31, 2006 Posted July 31, 2006 Then there is the story of the Italian woman from the Bronx, eight months pregnant,who goes into a six month coma. When she finally awakes in the hospital she is informed by the nurse that while she was in her coma she delivered twins, a girl and a boy. The babies are healthy and her brother, also from the Bronx, named them. "My brother is such an idiot, what could he have named them? What is my daughter's name?" When the nurse answered Denise the woman thought that is quite nice and perhaps her brother wasn't quite the idiot she feared."And what is my son's name?", she inquired. The nurse answered "Denephew".
dr1819 Posted July 31, 2006 Posted July 31, 2006 A big shot businessman had to spend a couple of days in the hospital. He was a royal pain to the nurses because he bossed them around just like he did his employees. None of the hospital staff wanted to have anything to do with him. The head nurse was the only one who could stand up to him. She came into his room and announced, "I have to take your temperature." After complaining for several minutes, he finally settled down, crossed his arms, and opened his mouth. "No, I'm sorry, the nurse stated, "but for this reading, I can't use an oral thermometer." This started another round of complaining, but eventually he rolled over and bared his behind. After the nurse inserted the thermometer, she announced, "I have to get something. Now you stay JUST LIKE THAT until I get back!" She leaves the door to his room open on her way out. He curses under his breath as he hears people walking past his door, laughing. After a half hour, the man's doctor comes into the room. "What's going on here?" he asked. Angrily, the man answers, "What's the matter, Doc? Haven't you ever seen someone having their temperature taken?" After a pause, the doctor confesses, "Not with a carnation."
dr1819 Posted July 31, 2006 Posted July 31, 2006 A mushroom walks into a bar, and the bar tender yells "GET OUT, NO MUSHROOMS!!" The mushroom, highly offended, counters by saying, "Oh, come on - I'm a fun guy!"
dr1819 Posted July 31, 2006 Posted July 31, 2006 They're not going to have any live nativity scenes in Washington D.C. this year. It's not for religious reasons at all, they just couldn't find three wise men and a virgin to fill the roles.
dr1819 Posted July 31, 2006 Posted July 31, 2006 A boy went to his dad and said, "Daddy, is God Black or White?" His dad said, "Both. God is both." A while later the boy came back and said, "Daddy, is God a boy or a girl?" His dad said, "Both. God is both." A while later the boy came back and said, "Daddy, is Michael Jackson God?
dr1819 Posted July 31, 2006 Posted July 31, 2006 A football player (or insert your favorite target here) was in the college library staring at the bookshelves and looking confused. The librarian noticed so she approached and asked, "Can I help you with anything?" The jock responded, "Yeah, I have to read a play by Shakespeare." "Really," the librarian continued, "which one?" "William," responded the young man.
dr1819 Posted July 31, 2006 Posted July 31, 2006 A man want to buy two tins of dog food in the supermarket. At the checkout the lady asks whether he has a dog. Yes of course, he answers. "I'm sorry sir, but as of this week I need proof, so you'll have to bring the dog along." The man gets mad and leaves without dog food. The next day he returns and tries to buy some cat food. "Do you have a cat?" "Yes of course!" "You know that I can't sell animal food withou...." But the man has run away already, not saying very nice words. The next day he returns with a brown paper bag, goes straightaway to the checkout and asks the lady "Would you please put your hand in here?" She says: "Hey, it's soft and warm." "That's right. Can I now buy a roll of toilet paper?"
dr1819 Posted July 31, 2006 Posted July 31, 2006 a blond stands on the side of a swollen, raging river she spots another blond on the other side "hey!" calls out our near-side blonde, "how do u get to the other side?" "DUH!!" replies the far-side, far-bank blond, "u ARE on the other side!"
dr1819 Posted July 31, 2006 Posted July 31, 2006 Top Ten Things Men Understand About Women 1. 2. 3. 4. 5. 6. 7. 8. 9. 10.
dr1819 Posted July 31, 2006 Posted July 31, 2006 SOUTH AFRICAN TOURISM QUESTIONS These questions about South Africa were posted on a South African Tourism Website and were answered by the webmaster (who seems to be somewhat irritated at the worlds perception that South Africa is still Tarzan's country). Q1: Does it ever get windy in South Africa? I have never seen it rain on TV, so how do the plants grow? (UK) A: We import all plants fully grown and then just sit around watching them die. Q2: Will I be able to see elephants in the street? (USA) A: Depends how much you've been drinking. Q3: I want to walk from Durban to Cape Town - can I follow the railroad tracks? (Sweden) A: Sure, it's only two thousand kilometres (1,243 miles) take lots of water... Q4: Is it safe to run around in the bushes in South Africa? (Sweden) A: So it's true what they say about Swedes. Q5: Are there any ATMs (cash machines) in South Africa? Can you send me a list of them in Johannesburg, Cape Town, Knysna and Jeffrey's Bay? (UK) A: What did your last slave die of? Q6: Can you give me some information about Koala Bear racing in South Africa? (USA) A: Australia is that big island in the middle of the pacific. Africa is the big triangle shaped continent south of Europe which does not... oh forget it. Sure, the Koala Bear racing is every Tuesday night in Hillbrow. Q7: Which direction is north in South Africa? (USA) A: Face south and then turn 90 degrees. Contact us when you get here and we'll send the rest of the directions. Q8: Can I bring cutlery into South Africa? (UK) A: Why? Just use your fingers like we do. Q9: Can you send me the Vienna Boys' Choir schedule? (USA) A: Austria is that quaint little country bordering Germany, which is...oh forget it. Sure, the Vienna Boys Choir plays every Tuesday night in Hillbrow, straight after the Koala Bear races. Q10: I have developed a new product that is the fountain of youth. Can you tell me where I can sell it in South Africa? (USA) A: Anywhere significant numbers of Americans tourists gather. Q11: Do you celebrate Christmas in South Africa? (France) A: Only at Christmas. Q12: Please send a list of all doctors in South Africa who can dispense rattlesnake serum. (USA) A: Rattlesnakes are found in America. All South African snakes are perfectly harmless, can be safely handled and make good pets (and if you believe that you'll believe anything - Smiley).
dr1819 Posted July 31, 2006 Posted July 31, 2006 A rabbit and a bear are taking a crap in the woods. The bear leans over to the rabbit and asks, "Do you have a problem with crap sticking to your fur?" The rabbit says no, so the bear picks up the rabbit and...
dr1819 Posted July 31, 2006 Posted July 31, 2006 BULLETIN WASHINGTON, D.C. — Hang on to any of the new State of Arkansas (*) quarters. If you have them, they may be worth much more than 25 cents. The U.S. Treasury announced today that it is recalling all of the Arkansas quarters that are part of its program featuring quarters from each state. "We are recalling all the new Arkansas quarters that were recently issued," Treasury Undersecretary Jack Shackleford said Monday. "This action is being taken after numerous reports that new quarters will not work in parking meters, toll booths, vending machines, pay phones, or other coin-operated devices". The quarters were issued in the order in which the various states joined the U.S. and have been a tremendous success among coin collectors worldwide. "The problem lies in the unique design of the Arkansas quarter, which was created by a University of Arkansas graduate," Shackleford said. "Apparently, the duct tape holding the two dimes and the nickel together keeps jamming the coin-operated devices."
dr1819 Posted July 31, 2006 Posted July 31, 2006 Ever seen geese flying in a V-formation? Ever notice that one leg of the V always seems to be longer than the other? Ever wonder why that is? There's more geese in that leg.
dr1819 Posted July 31, 2006 Posted July 31, 2006 The CIA had an opening for an assassin. After all the background checks, interviews, and testing were done, there were three finalists. Two men and a woman. For the final test, the CIA agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun. "We must know that you will follow your instructions, no matter what the circumstances. Inside this room, you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Kill her." The man said, "You can't be serious. I could never shoot my wife." The agent said, "Then you're not the right man for this job. Take your wife and go home." The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about five minutes. Then the man came out with tears in his eyes. "I tried, but I can't kill my wife." The agent said, "You don't have what it takes, take your wife and go home". Finally, it was the woman's turn. She was given the instruction to kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one shot after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the woman. She wiped the sweat from her brow. "This gun is loaded with blanks", she said. "I had to beat him to death with the chair." Moral: Women are evil. Don't mess with them.
dr1819 Posted July 31, 2006 Posted July 31, 2006 A little boy went to Grandpa and requested, "Grandpa, can you make the sound of a frog?" The surprised Grandpa replied, "Well, I suppose I can. Why do you ask?" "Because," the little boy explained, "Grandma says that when you croak, we're going to Disney World."
dr1819 Posted July 31, 2006 Posted July 31, 2006 John Kerry walks into a bar, the bar tender says.......why the long face?
dr1819 Posted July 31, 2006 Posted July 31, 2006 Whats Black and white and Swings from a Hook? Mime in a meat house. Whats Black and white and blue and swings from a hook? Same mime two weeks later.
dr1819 Posted July 31, 2006 Posted July 31, 2006 One liners... a canibal passes his brother in the woods... a baby seal walks into a club...
dr1819 Posted July 31, 2006 Posted July 31, 2006 It is with saddest heart that I pass on the following news. Please join me in remembering a great icon of the entertainment community. The Pillsbury Doughboy died yesterday of a yeast infection, and complications from repeated pokes in the belly. He was 71. Doughboy is survived by his wife, Play Dough, two children, John Dough and Jane Dough, who has a bun in the oven. He is also survived by his elderly father, Pop Tart. Doughboy was buried in a lightly greased coffin. Dozens of celebrities turned out to pay their respects, including Mrs. Buttersworth, Hungry Jack, The California Raisins, Betty Crocker, the Hostess Twinkies and Captain Crunch. The grave site was piled high with flours. Aunt Jemima delivered the eulogy, and lovingly described Doughboy as a man who never knew how much he was kneaded. Doughboy rose quickly in show business, but his later life was filled with turnovers. He was not considered a very smart "cookie", wasting much of his dough on half-baked schemes. Despite being a little flaky at times, he still, as a crusty old man, was considered a roll model for millions. The funeral was held at 3:50 for about 20 minutes.
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