Telling the wife

[Jimnj3]

Hi all, I would be interested if some of you would share their experience of how you told the wife/so of your desire to wear heels. How did you go about it and what was the outcome? This will be coming up for myself and I need all the help I can find. I am new to this forum and have had some good advice but more would be welcome. Thanks...Jim

[Jimnj3]

I do appreciate your advice and plan to do this slowly. Glad it worked out OK for you and maybe someday she will go out wiht you in your heels

[genebujold]

Marriage is much more important than shoes. It may take time, but easing into the idea is best in my opinion.

I agree on the first part. The second part depends entirely upon several key factors:

1. How much longevity/trust there is in the relationship.

2. How open-minded the other individual is to things beyond the normal scope of what I call "immediate reality."

Put simply, some women would respond to a comment such as "honey, I love you, and I like wearing high heels" with "really! And you never told me before - would you like marmalade this morning, or preserves?" Other women would file for divorce at the mere mention of "honey, I love you and have something to tell you."

Everyone's situation is different. Tread lightly, but don't beat around the bush so much that imagination (her's) replaces reality.

Be honest, but also reassure her where your loyalties lie, namely, with her, and not the heel-wearing (unless you really believe otherwise...)

[Jimnj3]

Thanks Gene for your input. I am gathering all the advice and when the time appears right I am giving it a go...Jim..Thanks for your support

[highHEELman]

I started out buying us both the same Shoes, Anne Klien Loafers, Colin Stuart Flip Flops, A pair of wedge sandals then later high HEELS. We would wear them to bed and she would begin with a small bit of a shoe job. She knew of my love for Fine Feminine Footwear when we dated. I liked her to "Chinese massage" my back with her shoes on 'cause it concentrated her weight to massage the "sore" parts! Worked for me and now we progressed to any Footwear I like. HighHEELman

[Jimnj3]

Thanks for your note and I'll keep gathering the information...Jim

[flipflop klipklop]

It just really depends on how open minded she is. It might be a short process, it might be a long process before she can mind seeing you in heels. Most important thing is to ask how she feels about this subject. You can start by saying " You saw this guy/site wearing heels. What do you think about it?" Then based on her response, either back off or expose her to some crossdressing materials. Rent a movie for the weekend, like Priscilla in the Desert, To Wong Foo...etc. If her response is extremely negative, just back completely off and don't bring up the subject again if you really value her more than the heels. But keep in mind her views may change, so don't give up. If her response is pretty positive, try wearing something that won't shock her like wear her flip flops out to the backyard, or her bath slippers to go to the bathroom and think nothing of them as if they were men slippers. If she gives you a concerned look. Maybe don't wear them in front of her, but displace them from where she last left them. She'll get use to the idea of you wearing her footwear. You can then escalate it from there, but always keep in mind her feelings. Who knows you might have a very understanding wife as you tell her flat out. She might even make you wear them as she finds it amusing and interesting. She may not mind you wearing them as she wants you to be happy, but would rather not see you in them in person. People's view and acceptance changes over time. Just take it easy with her.

[Jimnj3]

Thanks for your tips. Unfortunatly this past Sunday the moment seemed right so I shower her the knee boots I had recently purchased the week before. She knew I had ordered boots but didn't know the style. 2" platform, 5" chunky heel. Suddenly this turned into the wrong moment. So, she wanted to know if I was a transvestite and what was wrong with me. I just told her I thought they were a real cool pair of boots and would look just fine with the correct length jeans. She was very upset so a day has gone by and I was out last night and didn't get to talk much, just a few words by phone and she was quite cold. We'll see what tonight brings.. Jim

[chris100575]

Sorry to hear that didn't go well. She's probably got all sorts of questions going around her head as to what this might mean. Are you gay? Are you going to want a sex change? Are you going out dressed as a woman? All kinds of stuff. If you can talk to her and answer her questions she might feel better about it. If your relationship is strong enough hopefully you'll be able to come to some sort of compromise. Hope it works out. Chris

[Jimnj3]

Thanks...Jim

[Jimnj3]

Chris, Are you married and if so, is your wife aware?? How did this go over for you?...If you care to share..Jim

[Bubba136]

Nothing like shooting the whole wad directly into your foot, is there? I know it isn't funny. It would be funny if it weren't so darn serious. By telling her and showing her your boots, you've forever altered the state of your relationship. She will never view you the same way she did before you told her, again. Too bad. Some women are so darn closed minded that they make all kinds of demands of the poor guy just to preserve their relationship (like throwing away your boots). Don't make any promises you won't be able to keep. Don't know what to tell you. Like a giant tidal wave, you'll just have to ride it out and hope it hasn't caused irrepairable damage.

[chris100575]

Hi Jim, yes I'm married and my wife is aware. She took it quite well when I told her, and we talked it over and I answered her questions. I explained to her that I had no interest in cross-dressing, it was just about the shoes. She also wanted to know what was involved, so I told her that on my days off work I go about my usual daily routine around the house, wearing my usual clothes but with heels. She also asked about where I bought them, did I try them on in the shop etc. She said that she wasn't comfortable with the idea of me wearing heels in front of her, but that it was her that had a problem, and that she would try to accept it. In the mean time, she was happy for me to have women's shoes and to wear them while she's not around. This was back in January of this year. Since then, she's still not quite come around to the idea of me wearing heels in front of her, but things are improving. She has suggested that when we redecorate the back bedroom that we should get some proper storage for my shoes, as their current home in a cupboard isn't ideal. She has also given me a pair of her boots that she didn't wear any more. Most recently, she has suggested that next time we go on holiday, if I want to, I could take a pair of heels with me and try wearing them in public. At the moment I still change out of my heels when she comes home, but I no longer have to worry about her catching me in them, or finding them and leaping to the wrong conclusion. Chris ps. sorry this is so long. If you have any questions, feel free to ask.

[Jimnj3]

Thanks guys for your replys. Since we haven't had time for a good discussion I don't know where I stand.. We are both going away for a long weekend and will have plenty of time alone and time to talk it through..I hope..Like Chris, I have no intention to dress differently other than my likeing of heels/boots. She is quite closed minded so we will see what happens this weekend..I'll let you guys know next week....Jim

[chris100575]

So as not to be misleading, (having just posted some pics of me wearing a skirt!) when I discussed it with my wife I'd already tried cross-dressing. After a while though I found that it was the shoes that held my interest. While I don't dislike the idea of cross-dressing, I'm sufficiently disinterested to manage quite happily without it. Good luck with your wife Jim. Hard as it is, it's better to tell her than for her to catch you. Let us know how you get on. Chris

[Heelfan]

If you take a few moments to look back through all the threads here on "For the Guys", you'll find several previous threads witrh similar titles on telling the wife (or girfriend or significant other or family etc.) and there are some very interesting replies, experiences and suggestions. Cheerfully yours, Heelfan

[shyguy]

JimnJ3 I know how you feel, I'm stil going through it all with my wife. Although I told her before we were married, and have had many discussions together, she still finds it hard to accept me in heels. Same as most guys here, she has asked if I wanted a sex change, to dress fully as a woman etc. but again for me its just shoes and heels in particular. We still discuss it, but it just goes forward and backwards in terms of her acceptance. All I can do is reiterate the comments already made, give her some time, and gauge reactions, then decide which you want/need more, her or high heels. I know I want my wife more so the heels are a no go until she gives her consent (see more on my story in the thread titled "a short wearing story") Hope it all works out ok for you.

[Jimnj3]

shyguy... Thanks for your support....Jim

[flipflop klipklop]

I'm sorry to hear that it was not a positive response. Like someone said above about "blowing the load" or something. You just shocked her and made her backup into defensive mode. It's a natural reaction when someone gets shocked. Let her come forward on her own. I think she just needs reassurance from you that you're not gay, a transvestite or whatever and that you're the same guy she has known all this time. The same nice, warm and loving person you have always been. You pretty much shook up her foundation. Take the time when your on your getaway and show her all the things about you that made her like amd trust you in the first place. Don't try to explain the boots or even talk about it unless she brings it up. Just don't forget to reaffirm her that you're still the same guy. It's going to be a long process like I said earlier. She may eventually come around to having you wear them, but just not in front of her or outside.

[Jimnj3]

Thanks, It will be just the two of us and my grandson of 19 months we are watching. Should be plenty of time for talking. I may just ask her if she has anything she would like to ask me about and hopefully she will. All seemed just fine last night and the topic didn't come up..Jim

[Bubba136]

There are a lot of male members of this forum that wear high heels. Most of them are married. The reoccurring delema of "how to tell my wife about my love for/wearing high heels?" periodically surfaces again and again to which we provide answers and advice based on our experiences. Some members, like myself, have already resolved the issue of telling our wives, girlfriends, partners/so's. And, each time the question is asked, the answers are repeated for the newest member asking the question. There's a large number of posts on this subject already posted in various threads throughout this forum. Wouldn't it be appropriate to move all of these different threads into the one easily identifiable thread (or subject area) that is already set up for it? There's a wealth of information in these threads and I think it would be more efficient to be able to point to the appropriate thread whenever this question is asked, anew. Just a thought. While I never tire of relating my experiences on handling this situation, it does become repetative.

[Jimnj3]

I agree..It would be very helpful for us new members to read all the information on this subject without scrolling though all the threads. Jim

[sendra45]

Hi, Compressed in to a couple of minuets read, here is my story. About 2 months before we were to get married we sold one of our2 cars, I had had this one for about two years before we met. On cleaning the car she found a receipt from a fetish shop that I thought I had thrown away. I had told her that she was the only one that I had really confessed to doing the wild thing when she was in her selections of heels, she instantly thought that I had lied and that this is the sort of things I got all of my other previous girlfriends partook in. So, to recap. Two months before the wedding and she thinks I am a liar and that she was not special to me, or do I confess to secretly having a pair of 4 inch thigh length boots? I confessed, it took her by surprise to say the least, but given five minuets, she wanted to know where they were and god only knows what else was running through her mind. I did not need to have my boots as 'friends' at that time as our relationship was great so we went off that afternoon and got them from my folks where they were hid in their loft. I guess this was where I started to wonder why I bought them at all, after all it is a strange thing for a guy to have in his wardrobe and I wondered what was going though my mind when I bought them. Luckily she encouraged me to look for other guys like me and hence I came upon this site and the great bunch of non TV heel wearing, woman loving men. Just like Me! It was such a relief to find out that I was not alone, life is different now, and the hhplace is the best thing that has happened to me. I even have a picture of her on the left here every time I post a message on this board she really is the best wife a man could ever want.

[Jimnj3]

Wow, tight spot you were in..I am glad it all worked out for you and after this weekend I should know where I stand with my wife..I let you all know...Jim

[genebujold]

JimnJ3 I know how you feel, I'm stil going through it all with my wife. Although I told her before we were married, and have had many discussions together, she still finds it hard to accept me in heels. Same as most guys here, she has asked if I wanted a sex change, to dress fully as a woman etc. but again for me its just shoes and heels in particular. We still discuss it, but it just goes forward and backwards in terms of her acceptance.

Hi, shyguy, JimnJ3. Since this theme seems to be repeated fairly often, I thought I'd respond from my perspective as a marriage and family counselor with the following. Feel free to copy and give it to your significant others. Be forewarned, though - read it first!

To all the wives and girlfriends out there - greetings!

I'm writing you because there's someone in your life whom you love, but who's doing some things about which you have some concerns. I've counseled many couples about many different issues, including some very much along these lines.

First, let me reassure you that his behavior is far more common than societal norms may have lead you to believe.

Most men in society conform to societal norms. That doesn't mean that societal norms are an accurate reflection of men! Quite often, they're a reasonably accurate reflection of the way most men used to be several decades ago, mixed with certain expectations of society at large, heavily weighted towards society's more vocal members.

As one who's travelled through more than 35 countries around the world, I can assure you that men's styles are as varied as women's, and often more colorful. It is only in the traditional Western cultures, primarily the U.S., England, and to a lesser extend the rest of the EU, that have forced their idea of what's fasionable for men onto others. As a result, entire countries such as China, Korea, Japan, India, and others have conformed, ditching their traditional, stylish, and very comfortable garb for the ubiquitous male shirt, pants, flats, and a jacket.

Result - we're all looking the same.

Blah!

Fortunately, billions of men throughout the world aren't conforming. Instead, they're either sticking with their traditional garb or pressing forward with changes in style. One of the most visible indications of this are the earrings found in men throughout the world - something that's relatively new with respect to how widespread this phenomena seems to be.

When it first appeared, men-wearing earrings were an anomaly, to be sure, garnering a lot of stares. Now, it's so commonplace that few really notice.

This trend could not have happened in the middle of the last century, as society as a whole exerted a significant amount of pressure for others to conform. If you didn't conform, you were "wrong," and were "out."

Fortunately, things have changed drastically for both men and women. Variety is widely accepted, even significant degrees of variety. It's no longer considered unacceptable to do something previously considered to be unacceptable.

Even so, there remain fashion choices for men which appear to be less acceptable than others. I say "appear to be" because times are changing so fast it's no longer really true. The truth of the matter is, a guy can walk through the middle of the city wearing a pair of fashionable heeled footwear and will attract less attention than if he'd worn a bright red shirt that said "Vote for X!"

More than a few of the couples whom I've counseled have dealt with similar fashion issues, usually revolving around why one or the other shouldn't be allowed to wear X. It's amazing what I hear: "it's too loud, too revealing, too..." Bottom line - it's their choice. And learning to respect that choice is a big step, both towards personal maturity as well as towards a healthy relationship. Respecting and honoring one another's individuality is as important to building a healthy relationship as is respecting and honoring one another's concerns. It's a two-way street, and often compromises must be made, find a solution that exists somewhere between one another's wishes.

Sometimes, however, a better solution can be arrived at through collaboration, which involves searching for a different answer which meets both people's wishes. The only hurdle is that it requires both people to grow - but that's a good thing.

Just as society has matured throughout the last 50 years, so we're no longer looked down on by others simply because we choose to be different, a relationship can mature to the point where one another's differences are respected, but they're cherished. This doesn't mean you cherish his heel-wearing, or that he cherishes your use of bright red lipstick. Rather, it means that you both cherish one another in a way that allows and encourages one another to be free to explore your individuality.

Amazingly enough, this level of mutual respect usually frees up the other person to grow, to mature, and to become a greater asset to the relationship.

When one member tries to control the other person into conforming to his/her preconceived notion of who that person should be, what they should wear, how they should act, etc., it does one of two things. It either beats the person down to a shell of their former selves, conforming to the controlling person's wishes, but at great expense, or it causes the controlled person to resent the controller, which generates tension, strive, and rebellion, and can often lead to far worse behaviors, such as drinking, adultery, addictions, separation, and divorce.

Either way, both people lose when one individual tries to control the other.

Both people win when both individuals accept one another.

Some of you might think, "great - I'm with the wrong guy..." The truth of the matter is, nearly all men have one or more interests that do not conform to the "societal norm." For some, it may be painting, knitting, or sewing. A good friend of mine, and retired police officer makes many his own clothes - quite nice ones, too. Some women like shooting skeet, a predominantly men's sport. Some men like wearing skirts, or heels.

As for skirts - more men throughout the world today have worn a skirt than have worn a pair of blue jeans.

As for heels - they were invented by men, and worn for thirty years exclusively by men until women began wearing them as well. It wasn't until several hundred years later that both men and women stopped wearing them, and many more decades before they surfaced again, this time as a predominantly women's fashion.

I say "predominantly" because there are many men throughout the world who wear heels. Most do so in a manner that's unobtrusive, however, and so escape the notice of most people. If you doubt me, just ask a Payless sales clerk how many of their larger-sized ladies shoes are sold to men!

The bottom line is twofold. First, there are many fashion choices available to women that would attract more negative attention than would a man wearing a pair of unobtrusive heels. Second, those who're serious about nurturing their relationships will allow the other individual the freedom to be who they are. This is the best way you can show your love for that someone special in your life. By all means, voice your concerns, present your requests, then love them anyway. And to those who're hearing concerns and requests, accommodate them as much as you can and in ways that achieve true collaboration, successfully meeting both your desires.

[sendra45]

Hi, As Genebujold was saying, it is down to the fashion of the day, I have been thinking about going into a woman’s clothing shop to get a pair of 'boot cut jeans' no need, I found a pair of longer leg boot cut jeans in the mens section at a shop today, and they were definitely for men, 36" waist as apposed to being sold as a size 16 or 18 or whatever. Needless to say they go great with my high heeled boots, you can’t help but wonder why else they were made? Things seem to be getting easier out there.

[w6ish]

fun stuff. i never imagined doing what you want could be so troublesome.

[genebujold]

fun stuff. i never imagined doing what you want could be so troublesome.

In many ways Canda has long been more progressive than the US, at least in areas where it really counts, such as tolerance of others.

[Jimnj3]

Gene, I can't thank you enough for your explanation...I just got back from a weekend away with my wife babysitting our 16 month old grandson. Thought I may have talked to her while we were there but we were both having a great time and I didn't want to spoil it. I did tell her we needed to talk when we got home and in the next day or two I expect this to occur. I may have to try and print out your letter for her to read..Anyway, I'll let you know how it goes...Jim

[Dawn HH]

Jimnj3:-) Since you were both having so much fun on your week-end, it was a wise choice to table your talk on you wearing heels till after you returned home. A little here and a little there will help your wife to allow her mind to comprehend and to piece together exactly how she feels about you wearing high heels and over time, she may come around to where the both of you can compromise something that can satisfy you both. Then over time some modifications could be made amicably. Take things slow, be patient, don't put your wife on overload, and please keep all of us posted on any progress that you and her can make. A copy of Gene's letter may help her a lot and may also bring up other questions which could help her to understand better if you can properly answer her on them. Good luck! Cheers--- Dawn HH