Dating&heels/cd, when to bring up the subject?

[Corvus]

Hi, And thanks for a great site. I have a little question to ask, and i think it is more relevant for the girls to answer(although guys with experiences in the matter are welcome to). After a long time single, i'm planning to try dating again. And since i'm wearing heels all the time, wether as a guy or when i crossdress occasionally, i'll have to bring the subject up. When is the best time to do so? In the profile on the dating site? (I think not). When exchanging mails, before meeting one another? Or when meeting in person? What would you ladies prefer? I want to be honest about it, at an as early stage as possible. But at the same time i'm afraid that telling too soon would scare people away before they get to know who i am, just because they see something not being mainstream. I dont want to be judged by what i wear. I want to be judged by who i am. So gals, what do you think is the right way and time to bring it up? Corvus.

[Tech]

Thats your mistake right there, treating it like its something that has to be "brought up" which immediately says to others "This IS a problem"... Do you sit people down and need to bring up the colour of your T-Shirt? Of course you dont, you just wear it and be happy... So there is nothing to "bring up", you show others who you are and if they dont like it, they can feck off..... Whats to discuss? You would have it everywhere, if thats who you are... Not forced, just natural like anything else. You might be in heels in your dating picture, same as you might be wearing jeans, it deserves no special treatment at all by you, otherwise it then becomes THE issue.

[Corvus]

Jeez, that one made me laugh. And made my day. Not only because of the very direct way you said it, but also because it's been so obvious that i still can't get why i did not see it. You are right. I shold just treat it like i do anything else. Be myself. After all, i don't care where i wear heels, and i dont care what people think. It just happens to be my lifestyle, and if anyone gets curious and ask questions, i answer. I just go on my way and enjoy the show the rest of the time, so why not in this case too? I guess it all has to do with me being afraid of opening myself emotionally to anyone and getting hurt. And that made me see it from a totally different angle, which is absolutely wrong. Again, should have been obvious to me. Thanks for making me see the obvious Corvus

[Tech]

It really is no big deal... People dont go around saying "I need to tell you something, I like to wear white t-shirts with blue jeans"... Of course not, they just do it, its what you wear whilst talking about far more interesting things I have no doubt it may and likely will come up as a question from ladies you date, but thats for them to ask, just the same as if they liked a shirt or tie... You would be amazed at how many guys dont see the obvious, and make it into something wrong, creepy or weird just by the odd bahviour they get upto only when in heels... How many videos on youtube are there of guys parading about in their house in heels and "fetishwear", or in heels doing things that really should not be done in heels? One of our own members here did a "Cutting the grass in thigh high stilettos" which makes you think "WTF is he thinking"? because it seriously highlights that persons fetish, and makes it look like some sort of sexual deviance, especially when the rest of them looks aweful, it toally screams "I care about high heels more than myself" which is not what anybody wants.

[Steve63130]

One of our own members here did a "Cutting the grass in thigh high stilettos"...

Hey, Tech, take it easy on him. It was a cutting edge performance!

Steve

[SArmeah]

I think this is the first time I really deeply agree with Tech and his delivery. To simplify, As a CD myself I often see others wearing clothing that no one would wear in public. It goes to an extreme point of saying "THIS IS MY FETISH". If you want to dress like a girl, then dress like a girl. I don't know too many girls wearing thigh-high boots in general, but in summer? No. A little common sense, and an appreciation for style will go a VERY long way.

[ilikekicks]

Tech : "So there is nothing to "bring up", you show others who you are and if they dont like it, they can feck off....."

Exactly! Honesty is the BEST policy!

Jeez, that one made me laugh. And made my day. Not only because of the very direct way you said it, but also because it's been so obvious that i still can't get why i did not see it.

Fear of not being accepted. People all worry about not ' fitting in '. in your instance , your looking to meet women ( or men ) and are concerned about the impression of liking high heeled shoes.

In the same instance, your wondering when to ' be honest ' and tell this individual whom your wishing to date in the future.. the whole time till you inform them, your ' holding back ', which you might feel ( or others might feel ) is the ' safest way to go '.

You are right. I shold just treat it like i do anything else. Be myself. After all, i don't care where i wear heels, and i dont care what people think. It just happens to be my lifestyle, and if anyone gets curious and ask questions, i answer. I just go on my way and enjoy the show the rest of the time, so why not in this case too?

Exactly!

I guess it all has to do with me being afraid of opening myself emotionally to anyone and getting hurt. And that made me see it from a totally different angle, which is absolutely wrong. Again, should have been obvious to me.

Thanks for making me see the obvious

Corvus

That whole ' worry ' about being hurt.. Honestly.. If you live worrying about such, your doomed to being single and probably LONELY forever. Its one thing to be single, and a totally different scene to be ' ALONE '.

Many people talk about how they have been hurt.. This sounds rude, mean spirited and all different kinds of wrong, but people need to get over such and move on in life instead of looking negative about the future.

When I was ' dating ', if the person I was on a date with played the ' Ive been hurt so many times in the past '.. we didnt go out again. Its ' baggage ' and in the past. If its carried into a NEW relationship ( or even just going out on dates ), its reliving all the bad and not going to lead to anything that 2 people can grow from.

Something new should be something fresh. If you dont want to be ' hurt ' the only solution that will guarantee this not happening is to be single and not date at all, something totally not productive.

If your doing some online dating, what *I* would do, in my profile would be to mention something in the areas of interest.

" I like reading.. ( insert whatever interests you have ). I also enjoy looking at some fashion magazines to see what trends are and have some interests in the different fashions of past/present/future. "

If someone inquires about the whole ' fashion ' thing, you probably have a winner. Most women ( IMO ) will probably wonder ' A guy whos into fashion? ' and ( probably ) leave you alone. Its like a filter of sorts.

Theres many ways to express some of your interests in a round about way without making a public statement.

Women are NOT dumb. They catch on to the little ' tells ' like a big league poker player.

You mentioned your a cross-dresser of sorts.. what if a babe shows up for a date in an outfit/shoes you just want to jump into? ( Yeah, this happened to me! Im not a cross dresser though, just like the footware ). Will it un-nerve you or maybe lead to a discussion your comfortable/uncomfortable with?

The good thing though, and to your betterment, Your willing to take the moments and try to figure out how to make it all work. There have been many people ( even some members here ) whom have the same ' dilemma ' as you are having and havent taken that heeled-step forward. In time, Im sure yourself and those others will. Just do it on your own terms and be honest to the people you do it with.

Some would say it takes big-stones to do what your trying/thinking of doing.. it only takes someone willing to be honest with themselves and others.

Best wishes,

-Ilk

[new_look]

the last post took away anything i could have said here. Bravo to you, Nothing more to say but read the last post.

[roniheels]

I had a date with a woman a few years ago with a woman introduced to me by some mutual friend. We enjoyed a common interest in ballroom dancing. As we danced the night away, she brought up the subject of dancing in and wearing high heels. I told her it was no big deal, that I wore high heels every day. She pushed me away, demanded that i take her home, and never contact her again. The woman i am with now has no problem with me wearing high heels and I wear heels when we go out in public. Different women are going to react differently and that's just a fact. Whatever you decide, good luck to you.

[Dr. Shoe]

If I were still a guy I'd probably go on the date with fairly "tame" heels and if she comments say something along the lines of "Yeah, I've worn heels for years. Why, is it a problem?". On the next date I would wear slightly higher ones until she does comment.

[Guest]

All said is good not much to add. We are ourselves, making a decision is decided on how we feel at the time, humour, confidence and in the situation of a first meeting and date it is the live reading of the other as to their body language and how they are speaking, not just what! As ILK in said re, Baggage. It's a turn off, don't need it. Yes it appears though out a relationship but is more often a reflection on the past or reminder. If it's at day one and repeats and repeats then the future is going to be limited. There are so many threads "how/when to tell my GF/wife" and all comments go for "soon" "be honest", I will add be confident. First meeting is a loose intro, the following is opening up both yourself and who is in front of you. Unlocking the persona can be easy, straight forward and a revelation or hard going. The latter doesn't last long! As someone said about first meeting in heels - be normal ignore them, they are shoes not flags. Natural actions will prove you are in control = confidence. If she has issues then she will ask and then do the biz. Lower/block heels would be more acceptable than something exotic. Al

[Corvus]

Thanks for all the great comments and support. A nice "reality check". And i would not have worn anything extreme on a first date in any case, the 5,5" stiletto boots will stay home, along with any "baggage". My comfy wedges would be a good choice for a first-time scare :-) Slightly off-topic, but still. People will mostly never ask why i wear heels. Even though i see the curious looks, and am with someone knowing the person in question well. The questions come to the common friend on the next occasion. Happened today (again) in a store, a friend i was with knew the clerk well and she sent me quite a few curious looks. We both commented on that and he mentioned that she would ask next time he was there. I don't mind, this is more or less the standard according to my experience. Happy heeling, folks!

[SleekHeels]

I had a date with a woman a few years ago with a woman introduced to me by some mutual friend. We enjoyed a common interest in ballroom dancing. As we danced the night away, she brought up the subject of dancing in and wearing high heels. I told her it was no big deal, that I wore high heels every day. She pushed me away, demanded that i take her home, and never contact her again. The woman i am with now has no problem with me wearing high heels and I wear heels when we go out in public. Different women are going to react differently and that's just a fact. Whatever you decide, good luck to you.

That made me think, is it always a case of outright rejection/acceptance, or is there some middle ground when we can influence the outcome? I mean, instead of "it's no big deal" if you'd said "yes, our teacher made us wear heels once just to appreciate what our partner's having to do , and you're right it does take a lot more skill" would that have put her in a different mindset? Maybe not in this case, but sometimes a reaction might not be just to what your told but also how you're told. A little bit of empathy can go a long way.

[ilikekicks]

She pushed me away, demanded that i take her home, and never contact her again.

Her loss, not yours.