Telling Friends/Family

[new_look]

How did all you people (if you have) release the news to the people who know you well, e.g. friends and family. We all know in our heads that its our choice etc, but how have you gained acceptance with people. My gf is fine with it, but i know my mate would find it amsing and probably call me gay, and wouldnt be interested in an explanation, and im not sure how my family would react. My heeling so far has been out or away from home, but as you can probably imagine, hiding 3 pairs of shoes can be quite tricky especially when youre trying to get them in and out

[SF]

Good topic..... My wife knows, we wear heels together all the time. A few close friends and family know too, they have seen my heels around the house but never been out with any of them in heels (but I plan on "fixing" that soon). My mother-in-law has seen pictures of me in heels on trips. Her comment to me and the wife was "nice heels." And even after seeing the pics, she still talks to me. ha ha.... SF

[sohoboot]

with the first couple friends, I simply wore them when I invited them over to my house. One (female) noticed that my shoes looked "kinda girly" while the other (male) simply thought I had a really snappy pair of dress shoes on. Neither of them had a negative reaction (the girl laughed but got over it pretty quickly and we've since frequently shopped together. She was key into getting me out more often in heels and trying them on in stores. Especially handy that we're the same size). As for my best friend, it happened after these two since I was less sure how he would react given how long we've been close. I wore a VERY modest pair out with him one night, delberately stopping to tie the laces in front of him and stuff. He never even noticed. I ended up pointing them out to him at the end of the night (ok, even then, I still had to spell out exactly what was "abnormal" about it) and he acted as though I simply showed him a new pair of jeans or something. These days, I usually don't hesitate to wear them out with these 3 since they're all pretty supportive of it. In fact, I often get teased a little if I don't wear them now. I've also told a couple people over the net... most didn't care, some thought it was cool, but one younger one (19 year old girl) was a little weirded out by it. She probaby imagined some extreme drag queen type image (even though it's only heels). Overall, I'd say do it in person so they can immediately tell there's nothing weird about it... and even better, don't tell them right away, wear a pair and see if they notice on their own

[dheel]

Very carefully. I've only told 3 girls I know. I usually wait until a related topic of conversation comes up, or try to steer the conversation that way, and at first I only tell them, "I like high heels", or "high heels turn me on". (Not "I like to WEAR high heels".) Their reaction to that gives me a clue about how they might react when I tell them the "full" truth. If they seem interested in the topic of clothes and shoes, then that can lead into a discussion of societal "norms". And if they seem interested in that topic, and they seem to be free-thinking and open-minded, then I tell them. The first person I told actually beat me to the punch line, after I told her "I like high heels". She playfully said, "The question is... do you like LOOKING at high heels, or do you like WEARING them...? :)" And I said "well...." and continued on from there. This was on an internet chat, and it was late at night - that seems to be easier than in person. But I did tell the next girl in person - but I wasn't quite sure how she would react. I really wanted to tell her because I noticed she wears just about the same size as me. I told her I wanted to talk to her in private about something, and that got her curious... And then I rather sheepishly danced around the topic, sort of trying to "ease" my way into it - and when I finally told her, she thought it was kind of funny and silly, but she was totally fine with it. And the 3rd girl I told is a friend of the 2nd girl - I was going to go out in heels with the 2nd girl, and she invited her friend along, and assured me her friend would be cool with it. In fact, she INSISTED I wear them, and really twisted my arm, and it turned out she was right - her friend was totally cool with it. I think she was sort of taken aback at first, but she didn't react negatively - she almost reacted in a scientific kind of way, as if she was thinking, "Hmm, that's curious..." And as it turns out she seems very intrigued by it - I've been out with her a couple times in heels - and she wears the same size as me! She has promised to let me go through her closet one of these days - and I am anxiously awaiting that day! So it's always difficult to tell people, but it is the greatest, most liberating feeling to be able to talk to someone about it. And I've had some terrific experiences going out in heels because of them and their support. So I'm really glad I took the risk. I've never told my closest friends or my family. I have no interest in telling my family. And I'm not sure how my friends would react. I think it's easier to tell people who don't know you quite as well yet, rather than people who have known you all your life. And I find it much easier to talk to girls about it than guys. Well, that's my 2 cents.

[Firefox]

It's very simple. You just have to wear them around in normal life. Gradually wear higher ones over a period of a few months if you are nervous about it. No actual "explanations" are needed, you never mention them. I mean, you wouldn't need to explain to anyone why you were wearing red pullover would you? If someone does ask then just say you prefer the styling, or like something different, they suit your feet better etc etc. I've never lost any friends over it. If anyone ever did lose a friend over something as trivial as that I'd take the view that kind of person is not worth having as a friend anyway.

[mk4625]

My two aunts one of whom passed away a few weeks ago at 88 encouraged it by letting me wear their shoes. I also think my mom found my first pair of boots while cleaning my room. As far as I am aware, no other members of my family know. I wore my boots to bed with my ex-girlfriend. I had earlier gotten Jean to wear crotch boots during sex. Then one day I showed her my own boots which were exactly like hers. She tolerated it for awhile, then broke up with me because of it (so she says). Kathy is okay with my wearing some feminine accessories. She likes my scarves, nail polish, and fabric slides. However she is totally against my wearing women's boots. I didn't actually tell her I had been doing this in Jean's bed (she doesn't like to hear about Jean anyway). I described it as a hypothetical situation (e.g. "I like to see women in thigh boots and would like to wear such boots myself"). However since Kathy has been very cooperative about wearing things that I like, I am not going to force the issue. The relationship has developed to the point where it is probably going to be permanent and I don't want to mess it up.

[Robert]

I have a long time friend for more than 25 years. He and his wife knows about my passion and I know about theirs. He wouldn't do it but she find it interesting. Sometimes when I go to visit them, I wear my boots, they don't complain. My family is a different story, I wouldn't tell them (yet ) but what Firefox said, if you change your pullover in a different color they don't expect, you don't have to apologise Robert

[Bubba136]

Other than my wife, I've not "told" anyone.

[Tahira]

I'm dating a new girl, we are getting along pretty good so far, but the million question is how I'm going to tell her that I love to wear high heels and dress too. I know there are many ways to explaing but I wonder how would be her reaction. I have told before to 3 of my GFriends I used to go out, only one rejected me. What could I tell her ?

[Firefox]

I think what you do, Tahira, is somewhat different to wearing the odd pair of heeled boots here and there. After all, you seem to be trying to feminise yourself whereas I am not. So possibly a different approach would be required in your case. Going back to the shoes, I think the very WORST thing you can do is make some such comment as "Is it OK if I wear these" or "I hope you don't mind if I wear these when we go out" etc. Now you are on the defensive. Your behaviour reveals a doubt, ypur own hangup. It's as though you are saying "well I admit it's unusual and I'll quite understand if you don't like it". Don't leave that door open, at least initially. I agree in the long run that some people will never learn, but most are open to some persuasion so start off on the right track with that!

[TallSwede]

-I know that I am at bit of an advantage here, but still, I'd like to state my own standard response... I am a Bechterew rheumatic and my spine is longing to grow solid like a stick of bamboo if I let it run its own course. -I don't!!! I get a better posture and less back pains when wearing HH's so I can cut down on the pain killers and anti inflammatoric drugs. -So it is a no brainer for me; -Wear nice looking heels *and* feel better, or trudge along in flats and rot away the spine at the same time... -Guess if I am a bit aggressive when "explaining" my opinion to those (few) who comment the fact. The strange thing is that it almost never happens; people just ignore my heels, so I am left with all my built up aggressions inside ... TallSwede

[Lee]

My wife is the only one who knows that I like to wear high heels. She is supportive and even buys nylons for me. I might venture out in high heels with her at some point in the future, but for now, I don't think I could tell any friends for relatives.

[Bubba136]

Tara, on the scale of one to ten, this one is a ten. Perhaps you’ve chosen the most difficult personality deviation to try to explain to any prospective female partner or “significant other.” The only one that I can conceive to be more difficult is informing your wife that you are “gay” and have been keeping it a secret from her from the very beginning. That being said, in my opinion, the first thing you must do (and I emphasize “MUST”) is, when and if it becomes obvious that your relationship has the chance of going beyond being boyfriend- girlfriend, you must tell her about your desire to cross-dress. For, not to tell her would be patently unfair to both of you. If she found out (and she will) “after the fact,” she’ll probably never forgive you because in her mind she built her entire relationship with you on “not knowing the full truth.” And for you, the guilt and shame you would feel from not being truthful with her from the very beginning. You’re never going to be able to stop. If anything, you will only be able to repress your desires for a time. And, the longer they’re repressed, the more your personality will be altered. The desire will become so overwhelming and unbearable that you won’t be able to stand it. Instinctively, females of all species are looking for the most “manly” male specimens to perform the male role to produce offspring. I’m sure you will admit that males assuming female mannerisms and dress really doesn’t project the most “manly” image. And, therein lies the “rub!” Finding a woman that fully understands your desires, not to mention tolerating and allowing you to dress at your whim, is the problem. To tell her up front and possibly losing her forever or to keep it a secret and, when she finds out, suffering from the shame, guilt and broken heart? What a dilemma. Experience shows that the chances of male cross-dresser’s maintaining successful and continuing relationships with their female partners, isn’t encouraging. Short of seeking “professional psychological help, joining one of the many “focus groups” that exist in most communities could give you relief and offer quality, first hand experience, words of encouragement and advice. Like Kermit the Frog says: “It’s not easy being green.” I wish you well.

[new_look]

surely this place is supposed to abandon the image of gays and corssdressers and emphasize that we arent trying to be women, just enjoy wearing the footwear which is only manufactured to be put out in the ladies department. i cant see the link to feminine features about a piece of leather with a bit of wood at the back, only that people accept it as so. it snot like other female stuff, eg a dress, which is shaped to a womans figure, or a miniskirt to hug their asses. At the end of the day, we all have the same legs.

[Heelfan]

Daz, in this instance it goes beyond street-heeling guys. Bubba is trying to give good advice to Tahira who, as evinced by all his pics, goes the full way in glamorous cross-dressing, and tells me that he does not do any street-heeling at all. Yes, the forum is mainly here for those of us straight non-gay guys who simply like to street-heel, but it does include other non-gays (and gays) who like to indulge in the full transvestite experience. Tahira is a shining example and good luck to him! As I recently said to Tahira, companionship (in whatever form) is one of the most precious things we can ever have in our lives. I wish Tahira every success in this, and I hope Bubba's very wise advice is useful and fruitful to Tahira. I agree with Bubba that one should be fully honest and open with his girlfriend very early on, but that he can at the same time successfully stress that his 'hobby' does not diminish his ability to love her in a fully manly way. That is where so many transvestites can be sadly misunderstood. They can almost always be the most manly and loving of husbands without their periodic cross-dressing affecting their manliness as partners and lovers in any way. We must all understand, tolerate and appreciate each other! Tahira - good luck! and Daz - see you at Saturday's London Heel-Meet! Cheerfully yours, Heelfan

[new_look]

Please accept my apologies. i misread the post and was unaware of Tahira's preferences, and ill join in saying good luck to him. everyone is entitled to do whatever they want in my opinion.

[Skirted-UK]

I became interested in straight skirts as a child in the late fifties. These skirts attracted a lot of media interest at the time and I wondered what the were like to wear. By the time I was 15 I had one of these skirts of my own, which I wore in secret because I found it exciting to wear a woman's straight skirt. Later on I found that men's thick Y front pants and heavy shoes did not really go with the skirt so I got a pair of woman's knickers and a pair of 3 inch heel sandals to wear with it. Since then I have been wearing long straight black or dark navy skirts and high heel court shoes with a black or navy turtle neck sweater, I don't consider this to be any more unusual than the millions of women who like to wear jeans with Doc Martin boots, lets face it a large majority of women look awful in trousers but that does not stop them wearing them. However as most people would consider my taste in clothes to be unusual I do it in secret. Over the years I have found this to be the best policy, I meet my wife when she was 17, I did not tell her about my crossdressing and she only found out about 10 years ago. She does not approve and I keep it hidden from her. I have been happily married now for over 25 years, had I told her before we married I might not now have my daughter and grandchildren. If I could go back in time I would do the same thing again. What I would say to Tahira or anybody else who is forming a serious relationship with a woman, is think very carefully before telling her about your taste in woman's clothes. Most women think that a man who likes woman's clothes is either gay or want's to be a woman. Don't risk losing the love of your life or you could end up in middle age living on your own without a family.

[Firefox]

Most women think that a man who likes woman's clothes is either gay or want's to be a woman.

No, you should give women more credit than that. In fact I think they understand the reasons better than men. Most women are supportive to some extent, but granted there are a few who don't want that in a partner at any price. I think they're far more likely to want to end the relationship should they find out by accident, because then the dishonesty question looms large.

Also, the forum here is for people who like to wear or admire different types of shoes, specifically high heels. It's not mainly for guys who do steet heeling. In fact personally I get a bit fed up of discussing guys wearing heels. That may seem strange but it's true. Still, the main point is the forum is here for everyone, so don't take over Street heel guys! Not that you would of course

[Bubba136]

Skirted-uk wrote:

What I would say to Tahira or anybody else who is forming a serious relationship with a woman, is think very carefully before telling her about your taste in woman's clothes. Most women think that a man who likes woman's clothes is either gay or want's to be a woman. Don't risk losing the love of your life or you could end up in middle age living on your own without a family.

No, bad advice. What worked for you, skirted-uk, isn't the experience of 95% of the people I've discussed this subject with over the past 6 years of chatting and commenting here and in Jenny's website.

I agree for the most part with FF. However, I also believe that the number of women that will want to end the relationship are far more in number than those that will stay involved with a man once they of learn this aspiration after the fact. The "honesty" part of the equation is far more important than one would believe. And, that cuts both ways. Think of how you would feel if you found out by chance that your wife was living a secret life as a hooker while you were away at work?

[shyguy]

I was upfront with my wife from an early point in our relationship, but even now 7 years and a marriage and child further along she still has the idea that wearing heels I must either be gay or want to be a woman. Every few months we have another conversation about it, she does now allow me to wear "womens shoes" (but only hers) for 1/2 hour at a time every few weeks, so we have compromised slightly there. She is trying to understand, but just holds onto the view that shoes will lead to skirts will lead to a sex change At least we are trying to understand each other, and in all other things in life we are almost completely compatible so I will just keep bringing it up ocassionally and not apply too much pressure Getting there slowly

[Firefox]

she still has the idea that wearing heels I must either be gay or want to be a woman.

With all respect to your wife, Shyguy she really hasn't grasped it. You've helped to tell her some of the truth but she sounds still influenced by much of the erroneous preconditioning thrown at her by society. I don't really know what to suggest to help her. All I can think of is TV's. It's a different group but vaguely related to the heel wearing guys. With TV's, it's a medical/scientific fact that they aren't gay or don't wish to become women. If she wants to argue against that, she may as well tell you black is white. It's just a non-starter in a sensible discussion.

Granted, most discussions have many hidden influences other than sense, but one needs to start somewhere.

[zathrus69]

Every few months we have another conversation about it, she does now allow me to wear "womens shoes" (but only hers) for 1/2 hour at a time every few weeks, so we have compromised slightly there. She is trying to understand, but just holds onto the view that shoes will lead to skirts will lead to a sex change

I know the feeling Shyguy. Ever since my wife found out about my interest we have had the same conversation over and over again, roughly every 2-3 months. She too believed that I wanted to become a woman - she can't get her head round the idea that a man would want to wear stiletto's and yet still be a man. It's not her fault and I don't blame her or hate her for thinking the way she does. It just gets a bit tedious answering the same questions over and over again.

As regards the subject under discussion. Telling your partner about your interest is infinitely better than her finding out by accident. It hurts more when you find things out, rather than being told about it. Agreed, you will always run the risk of losing your partner but if you keep things a secret you run a greater risk of being found out.

It would appear that some of the guys on this forum have been lucky, they found their partners to be supportive of the interest and actively encourage them. However, there is always the opposite end of the spectrum Me - I'm in the middle. She found out, she got upset, she nearly left me but she stayed. She doesn't approve but she accepts that it is a part of me she can't change. Who can say what would have happened if I told her 13 years ago when we met.

Zathrus

[sscotty727]

Hi Zathrus, I know exactly what you are going through. I told my wife (gf at the time) about me and heels and she wasn't sure if she even wanted to marry me, felt I would be a closet gay or one day after years of marriage I would come out and want a sex change. She even worried that I would not be a good father because of my wanting to wear heels. However I gave her time and space to accept it and she has gotten to the point now of semi-acceptance. So far she has been ok with me wearing block heels, even helps me buy my shoes, both in the store and on the net. However, she would freak out if I wore say something like a stelleto pump. But take it one day at a time, go slow and allow her to accept more and more at her pace. Goodluck! Scotty

[new_look]

i think its a bit harsh from your people. I think its not abaout wanting to do something a owman does. a shoe is just that a shoe, we all have legs and feet and male or female were all the same downwards. If your wife wanted to borrow your jacket then im sure that would be ok, but she wouldnt want to becoe a man because of it. Try other ways to explain cos it sounds as though they misunderstand you

[Bubba136]

You're partially correct, Daz. However, in this instance it isn't the fact that it's just a shoe. It's actually what the shoe represents. I would venture to say that 99.9% of the men that wear high heels and post on this board, get some kind of sexual gratification or have some sexually stimulating reason for wearing heels. It's something distinct about you individually, your personality and it sets you apart from each and every other man that wears high heels. Every man has his own, unique, different reason. Just the fact that most men are nervous wearing women's shoes in public is sufficient to show how powerful the stigma of being different is in today's society. I would venture to say that your misadventures before and after attending your first heel meet, were the result of your not paying as much attention to details as you usually do, causing you to forget your wallet in your car and losing your train ticket for your trip home (I'm not being critical. I've "been there, done that" -- or,, similar things). The "butterflies" you obviously felt were actually the result of fearing how others will view you when you appear among them wearing woman's high heels. It's enough to start a man drinking. Women, on the other hand, don't view borrowing your jacket as significant because there probably isn't any "sexual thing" connected with it (unless, she has a thing for men's jackets ). It's, more or less, normal. You asking to borrow her shoes, on the other hand is viewed by most women as something very unmanly and they don't want to be "seen" by their contemporaries as being attracted to a sexually deviant "shoe nut" and heel wearer -- something that is viewed by today's society as deviant sexual behavior. Be ready to accept the fact that the more you wear your high heels in public the more comfortable you will become wearing them in public. However, your comfort level doesn't mean anything to the general public that views you as being dysfunctional regardless of your feelings. Yes, we can all sit here and curse the thick headed people in today's society that refuse to recognize that they're just shoes and everyone should have the right to dress and wear what they want to. As well as telling ourselves that women get away with wearing men's clothes without ridicule, why can't we get treated the in the same manner. However, the world don't work that way. It still views such behavior for males, for the most part, as being sexual deviant and abnormal. Like it or not we're stuck with it and, regardless of how much we would like it to, I doubt this attitude will change anytime soon. Not the foundation any man really wants to build a relationship on, is it?

[tuckedintoboots]

WEll bubba!! I know exactly what you mean here, but I would like to point out that I could care LESS what the "general" public thinks on a daily basis being that humans are NOT mind readers, and that being the case what THEY think or do NOT think does NOT interest me in the least!!! (as far as my heel wearing & the like) I am in fact single (and btw gay, fyi) but as a MAN I like the styles that make me feel good to myself while wearing them so whenever I see a style of shoes or boots that I really like I may very well end up buying them & it just so happens that it usually in the so-called "womens" shoe dept. (because we all know how UGLY "mens" styles are)

[Bubba136]

Good for you, TIB. I was talking in general terms. And, of course, there's always the exception. I know FF feels the same way about wearing heels in public. He doesn't give a "fig fart" about what other people think. However, that doesn't alter the facts of what I am saying.

[new_look]

thanks bubba. I know all about what you said above and i dont disagree, i just simply mean the ones close to use should surely try and understand that we arent trying to be women or gay, and the fact that we were with a woman should prove that alone. Yes although i said they are just shoes, they do give me a sexual buzz too. i was referring to many womens views in a way. many women would just say they are just shoes (my gf for exapmle) she gets no sexual gratification in the same way i would. If women feel this way, then why should it bother them that men are wearing them. Surely unless they are painted pink with flowers and ribbons, heels show nothing feminine anyway. Only opinion would class as feminine. PS youre probably right about my happenings. i was nervous as hell at first. But by the time i had loosened up through the day, it was too late. daz

[genebujold]

Hi, Tahira - This is a big one, faced by many of us, so I took a good deal of time this afternoon and crafted a detailed reply. I hope it helps you, Tahira, as well the rest of the readers on this board. I think we all face the same problem, and many of us have chosen almost as many different ways to tell those we love about our passion for fashion. Is what we do mainstream? Not at all. Is it legal? Of course (well, could be illegal in some countries - don't know). Is it moral? There's only one reference I've found in the Bible that says it's not, but that's based upon the cultural mores of the day - the same verse that says women wearing pants in 1900 was "sinful" also says women wearing pants in 2003 is "ok." Before you tell her, examine yourself. Is she more important than your desire to wear heels? If the answer is yes, then you have two choices: Tell her and risk loosing her, or give up your heels. If the answer is no, then just tell her and let the chips fall where they may. If you're made up your mind to tell her, the question becomes HOW to tell her! First, I wouldn't just blurt it out over an ice-cream sundae (or drinks at the bar, whichever you prefer). Similarly, telling her in the heat of passion is probably not a great idea, either. Instead, I'd approach it like a "getting the skeletons out of the closet" session. Set up a good time, preferrably during the mid-morning (Saturday) at a nice place, possibly outdoors, but out of earshot of others. Let her know in advance that you'd like to talk with her about some deeper issues in your relationship. If she balks at this, then it's probably either not time to tell her, or she may not be the right one for you. If she's agreeable, then begin your talk reaffirming to her how you feel about her, what her presence in your life has meant to you - how she makes you feel when you're around her, and how important it is to you that she's happy about the relationship. She may do the same - if so, let her. Next, ask her how she feels about talking about some deeper issues, such as about past relationships, or whatever else she feels comfortable talking about. Reassure her that you're not prying into her life, but rather, this is a self-revealing session and that you won't be asking her for details, but that you will be providing some of your own and will happily listen to her own in a very open, accepting manner. If the conversation doesn't progress, again, she may either not be ready for this level of intimacy, or she may not be the right one for you. If it does progress, let it evolve slowly. You might even find yourselves talking about other important issues and may never get to the issue of your wearing heels this time around. If so - that's ok! You've just established a level of intimacy and trust upon which you can build in the future. If it does get around to the issue of wearing heels, you might approach that particular topic by asking her how she feels about the issue of wearing skirts / dresses vs pants, and whether or not she thinks it's right or wrong. Then, you could tell her that's how you feel about clothing styles in general - women wear pretty much anything off the clothing rack, and that you feel turnabout is only fair play, that there are some women's clothing items you feel may look good on men, etc. If you don't wear any women's clothing items except heels, you could diminish the issue by stating you wouldn't want to wear things like bras, panties or skirts. If that's not the case, though, then keep silent on that part for now. Obviously, you'll have to adjust your own comments with respect to the last paragraph to suit your own feelings on wearing heels. When all is said and done, however, you'll have to do this in your own words, with your own viewpoints, thoughts and feelings. Take some time to think about it, then be true to yourself. And remember - the best things in life are not free! We're often faced with making choices between two things we love, like ice-cream and a thin wasteline. I chose a thin wasteline because it's a lot healthier - doesn't mean I can't have ice-cream from time-to-time, just that I can ONLY have ice-cream from time to time, and not every day. I think you get the picture. Good luck!

[ChrisC]

I would like to use this opportunity to congradulate genebujold on such a wonderfully thought out and coherent piece, very full of helpful hints too.