roniheels Posted November 21, 2010 Share Posted November 21, 2010 I know this is High Heel Place and not Dear Abby or Dr. Phil. But I would appreciate some advice from the members here. I've been a member her for almost three years and I feel like I know some of the members here through conversations on this website and I respect all opinions. A couple I know who are both good friends of mine have just finalized their divorce. They have been married for many years and I have known both of them for all of those years. They both co-owned an exotic boutique (where I have bought many pairs of high heels and high heeled boots) and in the settlement, she was given sole ownership (this was a mutual decision on both their parts during the settlement) of the store. Since the divorce, my female friend who owns the store has confided in me and we have gone for coffee, lunch, and dinner together. I wear 5" stiletto high heels (some that I bought from her) whenever we are out together and she doesn't mind at all me wearing them when I am with her. I might point out that she does not wear high heels except to weddings or formal affairs. We have not gone out on what I would call a "serious" date, but she recently asked if I would accompany her to a wedding. She said she knows how much I enjoy wearing feminine stiletto high heels and if I want to wear a pair to the wedding that she didn't mind and it was up to me. She said that some of the guests at the wedding might not be so receptive, but again she left that up to me. I decided to wear a pair of my men's boots that have an almost 3" block heel with my suit. The wedding was beautiful and at the reception, no one gave even a second look at my footwear. But one of the guests at the wedding was her ex-husband and he saw us together. He came over, greeted us, then he took me aside. He said he was really hurt when he saw the two of us together and asked why I was putting the moves on his ex-wife since they had not been divorced that long. I told him that she has confided in me and asked me to escort her to the wedding. I told him we have had lunch and coffee together and she used me as a sounding board and an ear to listen to her feelings. I told him I thought the world of both of them and I wasn't "putting the moves" on his ex-wife. I told him I didn't know what would develop between us, if anything, but I was going to remain friends with her, and him. He said if I valued his friendship, I wouldn't see her again, and then he left the wedding. I told my female friend what had transpired and she was angry and said that she wanted to keep seeing me and hoped I wasn't intimidated by his words. I do want to keep seeing her and I don't know what will develop, if anything. I really enjoy her company and I love her attitude concerning me wearing high heels. She has a very open mind, she is so good with all of her customers and their interests at the exotic boutique, and is dedicated to the success of her store. I am not intimidated by her ex-husband, but the three of us have been friends for years I don't want to hurt his feelings, but I do want to keep seeing her. Am I out of line for my feelings? Is this just a case of he needs to move on and accept the facts? I had absolutely nothing to do with the cause of the divorce, but after the wedding, I felt in the middle of them. I know how I feel, but I would appreciate any advice, comments or opinions from members, male and female, at this site. thank you in advance. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jwhite44 Posted November 21, 2010 Share Posted November 21, 2010 If you wanted to remain friends with the husband, you probably should have held off getting involved with the wife so soon. Coffee/lunch/dinner is borderline, you could conceivably use the "we're just friends" label on that. But going out to a more formal affair of the wedding, particularly with the husband in attendance, I don't think that was the best move. Had you gotten involved with her later after the divorce, things might have gone better. What I think you need to decide now is: - is there a waiting period now (say 6 months) that, if you get more involved with the wife, the husband won't mind? I think if you didn't expose your relationship with the wife so soon, there would have been a "waiting period". Now, I'm not sure if there will be any. - if you had to chose, would you be more interested in staying friendly with both husband and wife, or possible get closer with the wife at the cost of having a soured relationship with the husband? Is any this your fault, probably not. It's an awkward situation you ended up in the middle of. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rockpup Posted November 21, 2010 Share Posted November 21, 2010 He is being an ass. I've had friends split up and one be the "greedy" one, that is the one I tend to break off my friendship with. The only thing you need to be careful of is if the husband's jealousy might reach dangerous levels. If not then ignore and be friends with her. It's always nice to have friends who accept us for who we are, even if you are not in a romantic relationship with them. (formerly known as "JimC") Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Foxyheels Posted November 21, 2010 Share Posted November 21, 2010 I think you have already made your mind up, and in my opinion it's the right one. You clearly state you had nothing to do with the break up of your friends and your initial intentions are clearly supportive of your female friend. If anything else happens then you have a clear conscience and if your male friend is a true friend he will realise that in the end. If things do go to the next level with the lady in question then it's just meant to be you are both single after all. High heels are the shoes I choose to put on, respect my choice as I repect yours. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
loswabs Posted November 21, 2010 Share Posted November 21, 2010 I guess your male friend is still hurting following the divorce and that's totally understandable. Did you speak to him before the wedding to say you were accompanying his ex-wife? It's not that you need his permission, but a "heads up" might have pre-empted the reaction of your friend. You and your lady friend are consenting adults and free to behave as you wish. If you want to have him as a friend as well as her, then give him a few days to calm down and then have a chat. It's admirable that you don't want to hurt his feelings, but what about yours? At the end of the day, who's are more important? It's my opinion, no more, no less Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bubba136 Posted November 21, 2010 Share Posted November 21, 2010 The way I understand the situation is that you were only acquainted through their business. And, when you use the word "friends" to describe your relationship with them, unless you interacted socially --- other than at the store -- you are using the wrong word. . If the case is that you were really "friends" and went places together, then I believe the ex-husband was way out of line. Your explanation to him was all wrong. it would have been enough to respond to him: Mable Ann (or what ever her name is) needed someone to escort her to this wedding. I happened to be in the store and she asked me to come with her as a personal favor. I agreed. You really didn't have to go into the "confide" thing or the fact that you have had lunch and/or other liaisons with her. If their divorce is final, as you indicate, it's none of his business. In fact, it was a big mistake on your part. Perhaps the shock of seeing his ex-wife with anyone at the wedding was a little more than he could handle. Especially with someone they both knew rather well. Being mentally comfortable in your own mind is the key to wearing heels in public. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
roniheels Posted November 22, 2010 Author Share Posted November 22, 2010 I guess your male friend is still hurting following the divorce and that's totally understandable. Did you speak to him before the wedding to say you were accompanying his ex-wife? It's not that you need his permission, but a "heads up" might have pre-empted the reaction of your friend. You and your lady friend are consenting adults and free to behave as you wish. If you want to have him as a friend as well as her, then give him a few days to calm down and then have a chat. It's admirable that you don't want to hurt his feelings, but what about yours? At the end of the day, who's are more important? Thank you for your comments and feedback. Both my female friend and I didn't know her ex- had also been invited to this wedding. When we saw him there it was a surprise to both of us. That's what really made it a bit awkward. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
roniheels Posted November 22, 2010 Author Share Posted November 22, 2010 The way I understand the situation is that you were only acquainted through their business. And, when you use the word "friends" to describe your relationship with them, unless you interacted socially --- other than at the store -- you are using the wrong word. . If the case is that you were really "friends" and went places together, then I believe the ex-husband was way out of line. Your explanation to him was all wrong. it would have been enough to respond to him: Mable Ann (or what ever her name is) needed someone to escort her to this wedding. I happened to be in the store and she asked me to come with her as a personal favor. I agreed. You really didn't have to go into the "confide" thing or the fact that you have had lunch and/or other liaisons with her. If their divorce is final, as you indicate, it's none of his business. In fact, it was a big mistake on your part. Perhaps the shock of seeing his ex-wife with anyone at the wedding was a little more than he could handle. Especially with someone they both knew rather well. Bubba ... Thank you for your feedback and comments. I thought I would clear up a couple of things. The four of us (my ex- and the two of them ) did socialize, not a lot, but every now and then. I knew this couple before the store and their marriage.Maybe my timing was bad, but I didn't even know about their divorce until I came into the store one day and asked how she and her husband were doing. And we did not know that her ex- had also been invited to this wedding. This was a surprise to both of us. Maybe what I said to him at the wedding was not best thing to say, but it was spur of the moment and it was how I felt. If I hadn't been caught off guard like that, who knows? And you are right, I'm sure the shock of seeing us together did hurt him. Bubba, I do appreciate all of your comments, feedback, opinions, and advice. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
pussyinboots Posted November 22, 2010 Share Posted November 22, 2010 'roniheels' - I really do feel for you here. I fully understand your comments regarding your relationship with both these people and I can understand how upset you must feel that an unpleasant and awkward situation has arisen. However - you are all adults. The lady in question has made her feelings absolutely clear to you - she likes you, she has an open mind towards your lifestyle choice and it bothers her not one bit - and she enjoys your company as a friend (at least for now). He on the other hand is probably still 'smarting' over the divorce - and over personal things that you probably know nothing of. Ignore it. I will say at this point, that in general, women recover from this kind of break-up better and quicker than men. They move on quicker too. The problem is really his to get over, and he must come to terms with the fact that his EX-wife will be seen with other men. If he doesn't like it, I'm afraid that he has to get over it....like a man. It's always really awkward when things like this happen between friends - however his comment to you - that you are "putting moves on his EX-wife" and "if you value our friendship then you won't see her again" shows quite plainly that he still has feelings for her and is NOT over the divorce by a long way. To be honest, he would most likely become annoyed with ANY other man she sees. If he continues like he is, then she will have to make it very plain to him that he no longer has any say in her life whatsoever. It's emotional blackmail (and a little testosterone 'puffing') - plain and simple. Until he realises that his marriage is OVER - he won't move on. In addition, if he is a true friend, then he will not allow this to come between you. The problem, is that he is not over their marriage yet. Period. Time is a great healer. The trouble is, as human beings we are naturally impatient, and wish for things to be better and 'normal' instantly. In the meantime, you have done nothing wrong and you and your lady friend are quite within your rights to see each other whenever you both wish to. It would be considerate however, to avoid places where he might go as well.....for a short time at least. I wish the very best to all three of you, and hope that things settle themselves down amicably. "Good Girls keep diaries....Bad Girls just don't have the time...!:icon_twisted:" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bootmebaby Posted November 22, 2010 Share Posted November 22, 2010 I completely agree with PIB's comments above...she hit it right on the money...he is just being an ass and wants to still try to control her...he needs to move on and let her make the decisions for her own life...you did nothing wrong in my opinion. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
tightsnheels Posted November 23, 2010 Share Posted November 23, 2010 Ahh the sound of nothing wrong, makes everything all better...no? But actually the only thing wrong was timing and that as you mentioned that was not your fault. As has been mentioned, anyone she would have shown up with would have been a target for his anger, you however happened to be a bigger target given your apparent years of friendship. I agree with Pussy in that in my experience women do get over divorces much quicker than men but (also in my experience) women are social creatures, they allow their feelings to be exposed and don't seem to hold things in like men (but trust me they do occasionally as I am sure anyone here can attest to.) Men on the other hand bottle everything up so when you suddenly appeared with what he obviously still feels is his possession you shook him up pretty well and it was inevitable that he would pop. As to your confiding, what's done is done you where honest on the spot and for that you should be commended. He should have been man enough to know women traditionally do not attend weddings without an escort and he should have been understanding that she would take a friend. All in all I would say he is in the wrong here. My opinion is if you intended to pursue this relationship further you should really re-evaluate your friendship with him. Otherwise if it goes to a logical conclusion and he hasn't gotten over the divorce you will be in the very awkward situation of an adult relationship with her whilst he simmers with the knowledge of what she is like in that situation and his imagination stokes the fires wondering if she does for you what she wouldn't for him. I feel for you as you are obviously in a place you never thought you would be, my prayers are with you in your time of trouble. T&H "Look for the woman in the dress, if there is no dress there is no woman."-Coco Channel Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
tetley Posted November 23, 2010 Share Posted November 23, 2010 help i am about to purchase my first pair of heels from a uk based supplier i am a size 7uk mail what size do i buy Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bubba136 Posted November 23, 2010 Share Posted November 23, 2010 help i am about to purchase my first pair of heels from a uk based supplier i am a size 7uk mail what size do i buy Oh, I thought you were going to test our knowledge about high heels and a specific pair of woman's shoes. And, now for the answer (this is an easy one). Go to the shoe store of your choice, look at the styles on display. Pick out a pair that attracts your attention and ask the salesperson if they have it in a size that might fit you. Tell her that you wear a male UK size 11 and ask her to bring you pair that she believes would fit you. Try it on and if it doesn't fit properly, adjust the sizing larger or smaller and then, if you like them buy the pair that fist you the best and take them home and enjoy wearing them. Being mentally comfortable in your own mind is the key to wearing heels in public. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
tetley Posted November 23, 2010 Share Posted November 23, 2010 im to embarased for that so im getting them online Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Posted November 23, 2010 Share Posted November 23, 2010 Thank you Tetley, now to get back on subject. Roniheels I went through something similar, (actually we swapped partners 13 years ago) we didn't go public that we where together until 12 months after the split (pre-divorce). Chris's divorce took almost 18 months and mine was only 2 years ago. My ex stayed a good friend and no spite ensured however from him it was very difficult. I think it was that he realised what he had lost! Let it flow and unfold as it looks like it will, at the point that it looks that it is getting serious or close too, you need to approach this as to how you are going to "work" this with her ex, hopefully enough time would have passed to start his "healing process" and all parties may be more amicable. being between the devil and the deep blue sea does push the emotions. Stay with it and support, enjoy the time and wait and see, if it goes right - yippee, if not it's been interesting Good luck Regards Al Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
hhboots Posted November 23, 2010 Share Posted November 23, 2010 That is a really tough scenario to deal with, and I think you did as well as you could have in that situation being put on the spot and not knowing the ex would be there. You will have to weigh it in your heart, you seem to be on the verge of a good relationship with a good woman that knows about, understands and supports your interest in footwear. That is a fantastic beginning to a future relationship. It may seem cold to cut off contact with the ex, but it honestly sounds like you were not that close with him, perhaps only marginally more than acquaintances to be realistic. But, I think you should do just that if he feels unable to cope with your budding relationship. Chances are your limited friendship with him would not be able to proceed in a healthy manner as long as continue seeing the woman (at least in the near term), so its best to just consider that closed and proceed with your feelings for her. There is a chance that in time he will get over it and you can someday resume a friendship with him again, but until then, you might have to put that on the back burner. I wish you the best and hope it ends on a high note for all involved. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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