A high heel problem

[HeelsForMen]

Now i love this site for bringing out the positive side of heel wearing but id like to ask about the negative and who else feels this. My problem is i was married a long long time to an attractive lady who always supported my heeling right down to buying for me and always wearing them in bed herself but we have parted, the problem isnt just how will i ever meet another but mainly being that she was attractive but icouldnt give a toss as for me its just shoes shoes shoes she had to wear them in bed and the few times we tried without to prove its not shoes but her i loved i was proved a liar when couldnt finish the job, so my problem is lack of confidence meeting a new girl and insisting immediate that basically our whole relationship will be based on her wearing shoes, i wish i could turn this fetish down a few notches but as most of you know its hard to go backwards like drugs you need more whether it be a rush nearly getting caught or higher heels for instance i used to get a rush in sisters kitten heels now i wouldnt even bother trying them on its 4in or higher nothing else interests. Anyway id love to know your thoughts or similar experiences

[BoyLegs]

When I was growing up I heard this joke: The difference between a neurotic and a psychotic is that a neurotic has crazy ideas in his head, but a psychotic acts on them. In the privacy of your own head you can think anything you want to. If you need to think about shoes during the sex act, have at it. At the same time, in reading your posting I think you question whether shoes are worth ruining a relationship over. And women do understandably bristle if they feel that you're more interested in something they're wearing than in them. Often, a woman also has fantasies of her own, that she's had from early childhood, about being with a particular kind of man who would interact with her in a certain way. Usually the man does not wear high heels in the fantasy. The possibility exists that you might find a woman who can accomodate you within limits. You know from previous experience that if she gives you an inch, you'll take a mile (right?). If you coach her to set limits, like "not more than once a month with the heels," would that work? Then again, if we set up an imaginary dating game, where bachelorette #1 was loving and caring but wore crocs all the time while bachelorette #2 was a bitch on wheels but wore gorgeous stilettos, who would you choose? (I think you can see I have given this subject considerable thought prior to reading your post.) In reading your mail, I am also getting a sense that you are developing a tolerance, kind of like an addict who needs an ever-larger hit to get high. Soon it isn't going to be fun anymore — maybe you've already reached that point. You've got plenty to think about, and it isn't easy. I wish you the best however you proceed.

[radiodave]

I think Boylegs summed it up nicely. I can relate to what HeelsForMen is thinking. My ex-wife would wear them, but reached a point where she thought I was more interested in the shoes than her. I'll admit, they are a turn on for me, but realized she had a valid concern, so I toned down my desire to see her in them. She had no trouble letting me wear them, and I'll admit, I do wonder just how to cross that bridge when the next lady comes along. They are part of who I am, and that's not something I can just say "no more for me". At the same time though, a number of ladies aren't going to be gung-ho about guys wearing heels and get the wrong ideas. A sticky situation. Don't wear the heels and be unhappy but have the girl, or hold out for someone who likes the idea, while passing up potential ones who may otherwise have many other outstanding qualities. It can happen where you can have both, but since long-term relationships involve some compromises, it comes down to how much are you willing to compromise? Only you can decide. On the other hand, some members here report that women admire guys who have the confidence to wear heels and be themselves. Who knows? Maybe our odds are better than we think.

[HeelsForMen]

Thanks for your replies very interesting and to the point its like you say the tolerance level unfortunately i feel i went to far with my ex that anything less with the next one won't be enough like you put it i was offered an inch and took a mile and feel theres no going back like saying to a heroin addict to wean himself off with paracetamol but nevertheless their are many many understanding women out there and my last 5 girls all knew of my shoe thing so the next one will understand when i tell her this prob, but it still dont change the fact that if paris hilton walked in my room then i couldnt wait to get in her shoes first(same size) and her second as in boys legs question id go for no.2 bitch in heels but would want no.1.

[benno]

I wouldn't worry too much about it. If it isn't heels it will be something else. I know people with far worse fetishes than some shoes! Don't call it a 'problem'... It makes it sound so much worse than it really is. If you can think something up then there will people out there that share you interests. When looking for a new girlfriend I'd suggest being very honest from the beginning. Look at it the other way around... If you met the most perfect woman and then a couple of years into a glorious relationship she suddenly says 'I can only have an orgasm if you wear Crocs whilst I wear a fake beard' Good luck whatever you decide on, Ben

[Arctic]

time for therapy.

[HeelsForMen]

Therapy? what we have is incurable nor treatable but on the good side what else gives you a buzz like our fetish think of all those other fetishes and i thank my stars i got this one, take feet for instance probably the biggest of the fetishes above ours but their bummer is she has to be there whilst with ours she can go out and we can be just as happy so wouldnt swap it i mean think of all those nappy boys imagine explaining that one to future girlfriends.

[thedesigner]

in a way u gotta decide, which u will giv up if u have to. dont presume u hav to give up either, the rite lady will love u for being honest, and if she cant handle it but offers a wkd alternative, then go there - she may be turned on by something nice too... better than bein lonely...

[Histiletto]

You have to live and choose what is best for you. You can't choose for anyone else. If a compromise can be reached with both parties knowing all that is at stake, the possibilities for true happiness might happen. Otherwise, one of you will feel slighted. Loneliness is a hard road to go on, but trying to keep a relationship where one of the parties is living under someone elses rule is called slavery. Lord knows most of us have to be subserviant in some capacity to function. It shouldn't be in a marriage relationship. That should be a haven for both parties from the rest of the world.

[Dawn HH]

All great advice given to you by our members here, but is a cunundrum that only you can eventually solve. I especially like the way Boylegs put it to you. Good luck on whatever you decide. Cheers--- Dawn HH

[HeelsForMen]

Big thanks to all replies it was great to talk to people in my shoes (pardon pun) as no doctor or agony aunt could ever understand, unless you have a fetish no-one understands and thinks like drugs you just give it up but it is not able to be given up. I wonder why 80%men get fetishes and women maybe a small small percentage but rarely any but thats for another thread.

[kikepa]

...what else gives you a buzz like our fetish...

Oh, I dunno - riding my bicycle through wonderful mountain scenary, cresting a 14-er...

Lots of things. It's all endorphins and other brain chemicals. If you want to break the cycle, get out more!

I enjoy heeling for heeling, not because of an addiction.

[johnieheel]

Guess I'm blessed. My wife know my passion and has never question if I love heels more than her. She is not as crazy about heels as I am and we both know this but she supports me 110%. Not saying she doesn't love heels, just not as much as me and you all know what I mean. We go shoe shopping together, she picks out heels I might like and I do the same for her. Yes we both try on in store. In turn for her excepting me and my passion for shoes, I have taken an interest in her sewing business and have learned to do custom embroidery. This is also something we work together on. It's an even swap. Hopefully this gives you guys some ideas, not necessarily sewing but learning to find a interest in your SO's passion what ever it may be. Share and share alike. Worked for me!

[FXHH]

well, need to repeat what has already been said, great advice, ALL the way!!

however self have 2c to add!! remember this is from my point of view and might not work for any one else!!

1st!! loneliness is not nice, however being alone for a while coming out of such a long term relationship might in itself be therapy and help to clear the mind, and allow for clearer thoughts!!

talk from experience!!

that together with

11th August 2009 22:03 Arctic time for therapy.

might be of great benefit!!

from the way I see it, its not about curring what we have, couz we not sick, however rather about helping us dealing with the current situation and clearing up some of the gremlins in our heads!!

more like a head service by a head specialist!!

further from personal experience again

when meeting someone new, dont allow your emotions to get the better of you, take it easy either wise it leaves one vulnerable, till one gets a chance to see what type of person we are about to entrust with the control of our emotions!!

have also found that most woman accept, however sometimes tacking small steps might be better then shocking the ladys with HH from and early stage!!

this is just from my point of view, and might or might not work for someone else!!

[HeelsForMen]

Yes agree with small steps, i am meeting with a new girl soon and so will start the slow process again but has to be slow as too much too soon its too much for most of them, like i say my prob will be before we get to comfortable level with heels we will no doubt be in bed by next week and after having years of heels digging in me during sex will find very hard without which will affect both our confidence since she will think somethings wrong with her aswell, but maybe without will be good for a while a bit like weaning off a powerful drug.

[shrimper]

Now i love this site for bringing out the positive side of heel wearing but id like to ask about the negative and who else feels this.

My problem is i was married a long long time to an attractive lady who always supported my heeling right down to buying for me and always wearing them in bed herself but we have parted, the problem isnt just how will i ever meet another but mainly being that she was attractive but icouldnt give a toss as for me its just shoes shoes shoes she had to wear them in bed and the few times we tried without to prove its not shoes but her i loved i was proved a liar when couldnt finish the job, so my problem is lack of confidence meeting a new girl and insisting immediate that basically our whole relationship will be based on her wearing shoes, i wish i could turn this fetish down a few notches but as most of you know its hard to go backwards like drugs you need more whether it be a rush nearly getting caught or higher heels for instance i used to get a rush in sisters kitten heels now i wouldnt even bother trying them on its 4in or higher nothing else interests. Anyway id love to know your thoughts or similar experiences

The first time I married it was 2 years before the heel thing resurfaced. Generally at the beginning of a relationship heels are not a part of it. I do take pains now to reveal that facet of my personality early on so as to avoid problems later on. If she has reservations we are able to break it off without having made heavy investments of time and emotions.

[chris100575]

In my opinion if your fetish for heels has developed to the point where you are incapable of having a physical relationship with a woman without them, then I would second the advice for counselling; not in attempt to "cure" it but in the hopes that you can somehow back it down a notch or two. I can imagine most women not being happy with the idea of heels being necessary for you to perform sexually, as it would seem that it was the shoes you were interested in and not her. Granted, it could be a lot worse, but if it's making it impossible for you to have normal vanilla sex it's a problem. Good luck.

[trevor]

heels for men- i have been with my wife since we were 14 and we are now in our 50s and been married for 36 years. she is very attractive for her age. there isnt a person alive who could guess her age of 56. she has a great pair of legs also. she has always known that i am a leg man and i love to see her in stockings and high heel pump type shoes. when we go out to somewhere nice she always tells me to put her stockings and heels and dress or skirt out that i would like her to wear that night. all her heels are 4 to 5 inches high. every once in awhile we will stay home on a weekend and order chineese food and have some drinks and i will put a pair of nylons on and a short skirt and my 5 inch heels. she will also put a sexy outfit on with 6 inch pumps. lets just say this is a big turn on for me and she likes it also. my wife wears heels and stockings every time we have sex. its like my viagara. she knows that i love her very much and she just wants to please me. she knows im making love to her and not the high heels. she says if this is what i like she has no problem with this. we have been together forever and have i feel one of the best marriages 2 people could have. im always good to her so she doesnt mind doing this for me. if anything ever happened to my wife i would be in the same position that you are now in. i feel i could never find anyone like this out there and probably would have trouble having sex with another girl if she wasnt wearing heels and stockings. so i can really feel where your coming from.

[Histiletto]

HeelsForMen, Your situation isn't a high heel problem, but a flaw from having an unbridled desire to insert an extreme high heel fetish into the casual or intimate relationship without being concerned enough for the feelings and well-being of the mate. In fact the mate might as well be a blow-up doll, mannequin, or trophy that is used for flaunting around a selfish glory. This is not meant to be an attack, but a critique for your situation is not all that uncommon in this HHP community from coping with the social attitudes many of us find ourselves in. Perhaps, when we can actively wear heels with society's acceptance, this seemly magnified desire (fetish) won't be as thought occupying so that we can have more room in our mental activities to better serve those around us and society, in general.

[matt81]

This is something I have also thought long and hard about; When I met my girlfriend and on our first couple of dates she was wearing flats, I was naturally disappointed, but she was a great girl and I decided that it was still worth pursuing because she was so nice. It turned out her ex was quite short and hated her wearing heels, as it turns out I am quite tall a 6'1" and she absolutely loves heels (higher the better). She fairly quickly cottoned on to my liking of her shoes - you can't always hide your the look of admiration as she confidently strides towards you across a busy street. I think she found she got much more attention from me if she was in high heels (!) Anyway, she regularly wears heels both for her and for me. I haven't shared the full extent of my passion but I think, in time, I will slowly push the boat a bit further to see what she will accept. I am almost happy with the compromise at the moment. At the end of the day if she loves me she'll accept me for everything I am. So my point is, don't always judge a book by its cover. Give a girl a chance and test the water a little before writing someone off. What's the worst that can happen?

[HeelsForMen]

Again thanks for all advice and as for Trevor your marriage mirrored mine exactly with the many nights in and her getting just as turned on which caused the taking to next level which was great but unfortunately now im starting again which is why i wrote the problem and probably need to see a counsellor like advised to bring back a notch or two but know i wont so will just see how it goes and if it destroys first few realtionships will consider counselling then. HFM

[FXHH]

So my point is, don't always judge a book by its cover. Give a girl a chance and test the water a little before writing someone off. What's the worst that can happen?

top notch advice!!