dr1819

An old-timer who was concerned about his increasing memory loss as he matured greatly decided to do something about it. He went to the Brain Store at the mall and described his condition to the clerk behind the counter. "Yes," the clerk responded, "I believe I can offer something to help. We have lawyer's brains for $25 a pound." The old-timer thought that may be a possibility, but not wanting have anything but the best asked, "What else do you have?" The clerk mentioned another possibility, "Well, we have doctor's brains for $35 a pound." Again, the old-timer considered this and asked, "That sounds good, but are there any other choices?" The clerk began to stammer and stutter, "Yeh, a, we have, a we have, a a a we have engineers brains for $200 a pound." "What," the old-timer responded, "You sell lawyer's brains for $25 a pound, doctor's brains for $35 a pound and you charge $200 a pound for engineers brains?" The clerk looked him square in the eye, "Do you realize how many engineers it takes to get a pound of brains?"

Mr. Smith goes to the doctor's office to collect his wife's test results. The lab tech says to him, "I'm sorry, sir, but there has been a bit of a mix-up and we have a problem. When we sent the samples from your wife to the lab, the samples from another Mrs. Smith were sent at the same time and we are now uncertain which one is your wife's. "Frankly, it is either bad or terrible!" "What do you mean?" "Well, one Mrs. Smith tested positive for Alzheimer's and the other Mrs. Smith has tested positive for AIDS. We can't tell which your wife's is." "That's terrible! Can we do the test over?" "Well, normally yes. But you have an HMO, and they won't pay for these expensive tests more than once in a year. So we can't repeat the test until next year." "Well, what am I supposed to do now?" "The HMO recommends that you drop your wife off in the middle of town. If she remembers the way home, don't sleep with her."

There were these two cows, chatting over the fence between their fields. The first cow said, "I tell you, this mad-cow-disease is really pretty scary. They say it is spreading fast; I heard it hit some cows down on the Johnson Farm." The other cow replies, "I'm not worried. Thank God we're ducks."

A priest, a nun, and a rabbi walk into a bar. The bartender looks up and says, "Is this a joke?"

A dog entered the pub and ordered a pint of beer. He paid with a ten pound note. The barman thought a dog would be dumb and gave him only two pounds back. Later, he said to the dog: we haven't got many dogs here. The dog answered: if you charge eight pounds for a pint of beer, what do you expect?

Golfer: "You've got to be the worst caddy in the world." Caddy: "I don't think so sir. That would be too much of a coincidence."

Aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it deosn't mttaer in waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are, the olny iprmoetnt tihng is taht the frist and lsat ltteer be at the rghit pclae. The rset can be a total mses and you can sitll raed it wouthit porbelm.Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe.

What do you call a cow after giving birth? Decaffeinated.

Next joke: What do you call a cow? Beef What do you call a cow with 2 legs? Lean Beef What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground Beef

How many mice does it take to screw in a lightbulb...? Just two, but getting inside is the hard part...

John was in a bar looking very dejected. His friend, Steve, walked over and asked, "What's wrong?" "It's my mother-in-law," John replied, while shaking his head sadly. "I have a real problem with her." "Cheer up," Steve said. "Everyone has problems with their mother-in-law." "Yeah," John answered. "But I got mine pregnant."

President Clinton died and knocked at the Pearly Gates. "Who there?" asks St. Peter. "It's me, Bill Clinton". "What bad things did you do on earth?" Clinton thought a bit and answered, "Well, I smoked marijuana, but you shouldn't hold that against me because I didn't inhale. And I lied, but I didn't commit perjury. Also, I used my position of power to have a much younger woman perform fellatio on me, but I didn't have sex with that woman." After several moments of deliberation St. Peter replied, "OK, here's the deal. We'll send you someplace where it is very hot, but we won't call it 'Hell.' You'll be there for an indefinite period of time, but we won't call it 'eternity.' But there's no need to 'abandon all hope' upon entering, so long as you don't hold your breath waiting for it to freeze over.

Three men die in a car accident Christmas Eve and immediately find themselves at the pearly gates waiting to get into Heaven. When they meet St. Peter, they're told that they each have to present something associated with Christmas. The first man searches his pocket and finds some Mistletoe, so St. Peter lets him in. The second man pulls out a recent program from his daughter's Christmas play so in he gos. The third man pulls out a pair of nylons. Confused at this last gesture, St. Peter asks, "Just how do these represent Christmas?" The man simply replies, "They're Carol's

At Last The Truth About Eating For those who watch what you eat...Here's the final word on nutrition and health, and it's a relief to know the truth after all those conflicting medical studies: 1. The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than the Canadians, British or Americans. 2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat and also suffer fewer heart attacks than the Canadians, British or Americans. 3. The Japanese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than the Canadians, British or Americans. 4. The Italians drink excessive amounts of red wine and also suffer fewer heart attacks than the Canadians, British or Americans. 5. The Germans drink a lot of beer and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than the Canadians, British or Americans. 6. Ukrainians drink a lot of vodka, eat a lot of perogies, cabbage rolls and suffer fewer heart attacks than the Canadians, British or Americans. CONCLUSION: Eat and drink what you like. Speaking English is what kills you.

Sven and Ole were walking through the woods when they came upon a deep hole in the ground. The pair decide to test the depth of the hole by tossing in a rock. So as the rock is tossed in, Sven and Ole lean forward to hear the sound of the rock hitting the bottom. Nothing. The two look at each other first with confusion, then with an idea. Nearby is a large bolder which they retrieve, roll toward and then into the hole. Once again they lean forward to listen. Nothing. This time the pair excitedly retrieve a fair-sized log, hoist it to their shoulders, run toward the hole and heave it in. Again they both lean forward to listen...but as they're listening, suddenly a goat runs quickly by their legs and jumps into the hole. Sven and Ole trade glances wondering what in the world had just happened. As they wonder, they hear a sound behind them and turn to see a farmer wandering toward them. Farmer: "Hey, I misplaced a goat here in the woods. Have you seen him anywhere?" Sven: "You know, it's funny you ask. We were looking down this hole when a goat ran by and jumped in." Farmer: "Oh, that couldn't have been my goat, I tied mine to a log."

Two men waiting at the Pearly Gates strike up a conversation. "How'd you die?" the first man asks the second. "I froze to death," says the second. "That's awful," says the first man. "How does it feel to freeze to death?" "It's very uncomfortable at first", says the second man. "You get the shakes, and you get pains in all your fingers and toes. But eventually, it's a very calm way to go. You get numb and you kind of drift off, as if you're sleeping. How about you, how did you die?" "I had a heart attack," says the first man. "You see, I knew my wife was cheating on me, so one day I showed up at home unexpectedly. I ran up to the bedroom, and found her alone, knitting. I ran down to the basement, but no one was hiding there, either. I ran up to the second floor, but no one was hiding there either. I ran as fast as I could to the attic, and just as I got there, I had a massive heart attack and died." The second man shakes his head. "That's so ironic," he says. "What do you mean?" asks the first man. "If you had only stopped to look in the freezer, we'd both still be alive."

A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor's office... After his checkup, the doctor called the wife into his office alone. He said, "Your husband is suffering from a very severe stress disorder. If you don't do the following, your husband will surely die." "Each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast. Be pleasant at all times. For lunch make him a nutritious meal. For dinner prepare an especially nice meal for him. Don't burden him with chores. Don't discuss your problems with him, it will only make his stress worse. No nagging. And most importantly, make love with your husband several times a week. If you can do this for the next 10 months to a year, I think your husband will regain his health completely." On the way home, the husband asked his wife, "Sooo, what did the doctor say?" “He said you're going to die," she replied.

A married couple, both 60 years old, were celebrating their 35th wedding anniversary. During their party, a fairy appeared to congratulate them and grant them each one wish. The wife wanted to travel around the world. The fairy waved her wand and *POOF* -- the wife had tickets in her hand for a world cruise. Next, the fairy asked the husband what he wanted. He said, "I wish I had a wife 30 years younger than me". So the fairy picked up her wand and *POOF* -- the husband was 90.

George W Bush: The problem with the French is that they don't have a word for entrepreneur...

A new guy in town walks into a bar and reads a sign that hangs over the bar. FREE BEER FOR THE PERSON WHO CAN PASS OUR TEST! So the guy asks the bartender what the test is. The Bartender replies "Well, first you have to drink that whole gallon of pepper tequila, the whole thing at once and you can't make a face while doing it. Second, there's a 'gator out back with a sore tooth...you have to remove it with your bare hands. Third, there's a woman up-stairs who's never had an orgasm. You gotta make things right for her." The guy says, "Well, as much as I would love free beer, I won't do it. You have to be nuts to drink a gallon of pepper tequila and then get crazier from there. Well, as time goes on and the man drinks a few, he asks, "Wherez zat teeqeelah?" He grabs the gallon of tequilla with both hands, and downs it with a big slurp and tears streaming down his face. Next, he staggers out back and soon all the people inside hear the most frightening roaring and thumping, then silence. The man staggers back into the bar, his shirt ripped and big scratches all over his body and says "So where's this woman with the sore tooth?"

A duck walks into a bar and asks the bartender, "Do you have any food?" The bartender replies, "No, we don't serve food here." So, the duck leaves. The next day, the duck walks into the bar again and asks the bartender, "You got any food?" The bartender says, "No, we don’t serve food here." So, the duck leaves. The next day, the duck walks into the bar again and asks the bartender, "You got any food?" The bartender says, "NO! Look! I told you twice before! We don't serve food here!. . . and if you come in here again asking for food, I'm going to nail you to the wall!" So, the duck leaves. The next day, the duck walks into the bar and asks the bartender, "You got any nails? The bartender says, "Uhh... No." "Whew!" says the duck, then asks, "You got any food?"

1. How do you put a giraffe into a refrigerator? The correct answer is: Open the refrigerator, put in the giraffe, and close the door. This question tests whether you tend to do simple things in an overly complicated way. 2. How do you put an elephant into a refrigerator? Did you say, " Open the refrigerator, put in the elephant, and close the refrigerator? " WRONG Correct Answer: Open the refrigerator, take out the giraffe, put in the elephant and close the door. This tests your ability to think through the repercussions of your previous actions. 3. The Lion King is hosting an animal conference. All the animals attend except one. Which animal does not attend? Correct Answer: The Elephant. The elephant is in the refrigerator. You just put him in there. This tests your memory. OK, even if you did not answer the first three questions correctly, you still have one more chance to show your true abilities. 4. There is a river you must cross but it is inhabited by crocodiles. How do you manage it? Correct Answer: You swim across. All the crocodiles are attending the Animal Meeting. This tests whether you learn quickly from your mistakes.

How much does a set of Pirate earrings cost? $2 They're a buccaneer

A guy walks into a bar with a lump of tarmac under his arm. He says to the barman "I'll have a pint please, and one for the road."

Two pieces of grey tarmac were sitting in a pub. One nudges teh other and whispers "whats up with that guy?" "which guy" "they one in the corner, the red tarmac" "Ohhh! you dont want to mess with him. he's a cycle path!"