dr1819

SOUTH AFRICAN TOURISM QUESTIONS These questions about South Africa were posted on a South African Tourism Website and were answered by the webmaster (who seems to be somewhat irritated at the worlds perception that South Africa is still Tarzan's country). Q1: Does it ever get windy in South Africa? I have never seen it rain on TV, so how do the plants grow? (UK) A: We import all plants fully grown and then just sit around watching them die. Q2: Will I be able to see elephants in the street? (USA) A: Depends how much you've been drinking. Q3: I want to walk from Durban to Cape Town - can I follow the railroad tracks? (Sweden) A: Sure, it's only two thousand kilometres (1,243 miles) take lots of water... Q4: Is it safe to run around in the bushes in South Africa? (Sweden) A: So it's true what they say about Swedes. Q5: Are there any ATMs (cash machines) in South Africa? Can you send me a list of them in Johannesburg, Cape Town, Knysna and Jeffrey's Bay? (UK) A: What did your last slave die of? Q6: Can you give me some information about Koala Bear racing in South Africa? (USA) A: Australia is that big island in the middle of the pacific. Africa is the big triangle shaped continent south of Europe which does not... oh forget it. Sure, the Koala Bear racing is every Tuesday night in Hillbrow. Q7: Which direction is north in South Africa? (USA) A: Face south and then turn 90 degrees. Contact us when you get here and we'll send the rest of the directions. Q8: Can I bring cutlery into South Africa? (UK) A: Why? Just use your fingers like we do. Q9: Can you send me the Vienna Boys' Choir schedule? (USA) A: Austria is that quaint little country bordering Germany, which is...oh forget it. Sure, the Vienna Boys Choir plays every Tuesday night in Hillbrow, straight after the Koala Bear races. Q10: I have developed a new product that is the fountain of youth. Can you tell me where I can sell it in South Africa? (USA) A: Anywhere significant numbers of Americans tourists gather. Q11: Do you celebrate Christmas in South Africa? (France) A: Only at Christmas. Q12: Please send a list of all doctors in South Africa who can dispense rattlesnake serum. (USA) A: Rattlesnakes are found in America. All South African snakes are perfectly harmless, can be safely handled and make good pets (and if you believe that you'll believe anything - Smiley).

Top Ten Things Men Understand About Women 1. 2. 3. 4. 5. 6. 7. 8. 9. 10.

a blond stands on the side of a swollen, raging river she spots another blond on the other side "hey!" calls out our near-side blonde, "how do u get to the other side?" "DUH!!" replies the far-side, far-bank blond, "u ARE on the other side!"

A man want to buy two tins of dog food in the supermarket. At the checkout the lady asks whether he has a dog. Yes of course, he answers. "I'm sorry sir, but as of this week I need proof, so you'll have to bring the dog along." The man gets mad and leaves without dog food. The next day he returns and tries to buy some cat food. "Do you have a cat?" "Yes of course!" "You know that I can't sell animal food withou...." But the man has run away already, not saying very nice words. The next day he returns with a brown paper bag, goes straightaway to the checkout and asks the lady "Would you please put your hand in here?" She says: "Hey, it's soft and warm." "That's right. Can I now buy a roll of toilet paper?"

A football player (or insert your favorite target here) was in the college library staring at the bookshelves and looking confused. The librarian noticed so she approached and asked, "Can I help you with anything?" The jock responded, "Yeah, I have to read a play by Shakespeare." "Really," the librarian continued, "which one?" "William," responded the young man.

A boy went to his dad and said, "Daddy, is God Black or White?" His dad said, "Both. God is both." A while later the boy came back and said, "Daddy, is God a boy or a girl?" His dad said, "Both. God is both." A while later the boy came back and said, "Daddy, is Michael Jackson God?

They're not going to have any live nativity scenes in Washington D.C. this year. It's not for religious reasons at all, they just couldn't find three wise men and a virgin to fill the roles.

What is red and smells like blue paint? Red paint.

A mushroom walks into a bar, and the bar tender yells "GET OUT, NO MUSHROOMS!!" The mushroom, highly offended, counters by saying, "Oh, come on - I'm a fun guy!"

A big shot businessman had to spend a couple of days in the hospital. He was a royal pain to the nurses because he bossed them around just like he did his employees. None of the hospital staff wanted to have anything to do with him. The head nurse was the only one who could stand up to him. She came into his room and announced, "I have to take your temperature." After complaining for several minutes, he finally settled down, crossed his arms, and opened his mouth. "No, I'm sorry, the nurse stated, "but for this reading, I can't use an oral thermometer." This started another round of complaining, but eventually he rolled over and bared his behind. After the nurse inserted the thermometer, she announced, "I have to get something. Now you stay JUST LIKE THAT until I get back!" She leaves the door to his room open on her way out. He curses under his breath as he hears people walking past his door, laughing. After a half hour, the man's doctor comes into the room. "What's going on here?" he asked. Angrily, the man answers, "What's the matter, Doc? Haven't you ever seen someone having their temperature taken?" After a pause, the doctor confesses, "Not with a carnation."

Then there is the story of the Italian woman from the Bronx, eight months pregnant,who goes into a six month coma. When she finally awakes in the hospital she is informed by the nurse that while she was in her coma she delivered twins, a girl and a boy. The babies are healthy and her brother, also from the Bronx, named them. "My brother is such an idiot, what could he have named them? What is my daughter's name?" When the nurse answered Denise the woman thought that is quite nice and perhaps her brother wasn't quite the idiot she feared."And what is my son's name?", she inquired. The nurse answered "Denephew".

These friars were behind on their belfry payments, so they opened up a small florist shop to raise funds. Since everyone liked to buy flowers from the men of God, a rival florist across town thought the competition was unfair. He asked the good fathers to close down, but they would not. He went back and begged the friars to close. They ignored him. So, the rival florist hired Hugh MacTaggart, the roughest and most vicious thug in town to "persuade" them to close. Hugh beat up the friars and trashed their store, saying he'd be back if they didn't close up shop. Terrified, they did so, thereby proving that...(are you ready)... Hugh, and only Hugh, can prevent florist friars.

Three engineers and three accountants were traveling by train to a conference. At the station, the three accountants each bought tickets and watched as the three engineers bought only one ticket. "How are three people going to travel on only one ticket?" asked an accountant."Watch and you'll see", answered an engineer. They all boarded the train. The accountants took their respective seats, but the three engineers all crammed into a rest room and closed the door behind them. Shortly after the train departed, the conductor came around collecting tickets. He knocked on the restroom door and said, "Ticket, please". The door opened just a crack and a single arm emerged with a ticket in hand. The conductor took it and moved on. The accountants saw this and agreed it was a quite clever idea. So, after the conference, the accountants decide to copy the engineers on the return trip and save some money (being clever with money, and all that). When they got to the station, they bought a single ticket for the return trip. To their astonishment, the engineers didn't buy a ticket at all. "How are you going to ride without a ticket"? said one perplexed accountant."Watch and you'll see", answered an engineer. When they boarded the train, the three accountants crammed into a restroom and the three engineers crammed into another one nearby. The train departed. Shortly afterward, one of the engineers left his restroom and walked over to the restroom where the accountants were hiding. He knocked on the door and said, "Ticket, please".

Two guys walk into a bar, the second more stupid than the first.

Three mechanical engineers were out front trying to determine the height of the company flagpole. They were using various instruments and all their available knowledge but just couldn't quite come up with the answer. As the office secretary returns from lunch, she quickly assesses the situation, removes the flagpole from it's base, lays it out along the ground, grabs the tape measure and measures it out. "Thirty-two feet," she says as she tosses the tape measure back to the astonished engineers and walks away. After pondering the senario for a moment, one of the engineers responds, "Ya know, it's just like 'em. You ask for the height and they give you the length."

An old-timer who was concerned about his increasing memory loss as he matured greatly decided to do something about it. He went to the Brain Store at the mall and described his condition to the clerk behind the counter. "Yes," the clerk responded, "I believe I can offer something to help. We have lawyer's brains for $25 a pound." The old-timer thought that may be a possibility, but not wanting have anything but the best asked, "What else do you have?" The clerk mentioned another possibility, "Well, we have doctor's brains for $35 a pound." Again, the old-timer considered this and asked, "That sounds good, but are there any other choices?" The clerk began to stammer and stutter, "Yeh, a, we have, a we have, a a a we have engineers brains for $200 a pound." "What," the old-timer responded, "You sell lawyer's brains for $25 a pound, doctor's brains for $35 a pound and you charge $200 a pound for engineers brains?" The clerk looked him square in the eye, "Do you realize how many engineers it takes to get a pound of brains?"

Mr. Smith goes to the doctor's office to collect his wife's test results. The lab tech says to him, "I'm sorry, sir, but there has been a bit of a mix-up and we have a problem. When we sent the samples from your wife to the lab, the samples from another Mrs. Smith were sent at the same time and we are now uncertain which one is your wife's. "Frankly, it is either bad or terrible!" "What do you mean?" "Well, one Mrs. Smith tested positive for Alzheimer's and the other Mrs. Smith has tested positive for AIDS. We can't tell which your wife's is." "That's terrible! Can we do the test over?" "Well, normally yes. But you have an HMO, and they won't pay for these expensive tests more than once in a year. So we can't repeat the test until next year." "Well, what am I supposed to do now?" "The HMO recommends that you drop your wife off in the middle of town. If she remembers the way home, don't sleep with her."

There were these two cows, chatting over the fence between their fields. The first cow said, "I tell you, this mad-cow-disease is really pretty scary. They say it is spreading fast; I heard it hit some cows down on the Johnson Farm." The other cow replies, "I'm not worried. Thank God we're ducks."

A priest, a nun, and a rabbi walk into a bar. The bartender looks up and says, "Is this a joke?"

A dog entered the pub and ordered a pint of beer. He paid with a ten pound note. The barman thought a dog would be dumb and gave him only two pounds back. Later, he said to the dog: we haven't got many dogs here. The dog answered: if you charge eight pounds for a pint of beer, what do you expect?

Golfer: "You've got to be the worst caddy in the world." Caddy: "I don't think so sir. That would be too much of a coincidence."

Aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it deosn't mttaer in waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are, the olny iprmoetnt tihng is taht the frist and lsat ltteer be at the rghit pclae. The rset can be a total mses and you can sitll raed it wouthit porbelm.Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe.

What do you call a cow after giving birth? Decaffeinated.

Next joke: What do you call a cow? Beef What do you call a cow with 2 legs? Lean Beef What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground Beef

How many mice does it take to screw in a lightbulb...? Just two, but getting inside is the hard part...