Where to find the confidence?

[mithril768]

Hi I have been lurking around this forum for some time now and thought it's time to jump in, so here goes!

I have worn high heels at verious times since I was about 10 years old (40+ years). During this time I have always worn them in the house but have always wanted to wear them when going out, but I always seem to find a reason not to, usualy "I don't have any where specific to go, or any reason to go out " but in reality it's always down to "I don't have the confidence to do it!" Where can you buy a large box of confidence, if only it was that easy.

I am sure that the first response will be JUST DO IT! that's easy to say, but I can assure you I have tried many times, and I'm still finding excuses. Do I admit defeat and just wear them in the house or find some way of overcoming my lack of confidence? HELP!!!!

[BlondeBimbo]

I am probably not the best person to help here, I guess you are male – yes? Since you are on the south coast, why not take a trip to Brighton – I think there is a big TV/Gay area (I am not suggesting you are) – anyhow there are likely to be others – mainly TV & so on wearing heels, I guess when you see others wearing them; that may build your confidence. I have felt the same – I guess we all do, I have a number of dresses which I would love to wear, but every time we get ready to go out I end up deciding it would be better to change into something less revealing etc. Good luck, and perhaps one of the guys could give some more helpful advice. BB

[lorriette]

Not knowing your cicumstances, it's hard to offer advise. I presume since you have heels, you either live alone or with someone who doesn't mind. You could start by going somewhere your not known or likely to be recognised, maybe with your footwear in a bag. After dark can help your confidence first time out. Chose heels that you can walk easily in. Work up to going for the hieght and styles you desire, if thats what YOU want. It gets easier the more you try. Yesterday I wore 90cm stiletto ankle boots into work as I had a test to do. No one commented, that is if they even noticed, after all it's not a crime and only you can make it happen. Keep an eye on the notices board for a heelmeet near you as that would be a chance to try out without being the sole object of anyones attention. Good luck!

[HeelD]

Since you are on the south coast, why not take a trip to Brighton – I think there is a big TV/Gay area (I am not suggesting you are) – anyhow there are likely to be others – mainly TV & so on wearing heels, I guess when you see others wearing them; that may build your confidence.

I street heeled in Brighton in August and it wasn't problem.

I wore these during the day:

And these at night when me and my girlfriend went out for a drink:

I had no problems whatsoever. Only noticed 2 women notice my Mary-Janes as we were walking through the lanes - probably just amazed! And no-one made a comment when we were sat in a bar with my shoes clearly on show to the people working at the bar.

It takes time but it's not as bad as you think. People generally don't care!

[JeffB]

mithril768: I can understand your anxiety and your frustration. Going out in public wearing women's shoes isn't easy for the novice. Everyone here felt the same way you did in the beginning, that first time out can be unnerving, even frightening, not because of the concept of wearing the shoes, but rather the reactions of people around you. The inevitable concerns are:

What will people think?

Will people laugh, call me names?

Will people think I'm gay?

Could I face violence from knuckle-dragging brutes for looking effeminate?

We all think the worst because what we do is, for the most part, still beyond the norms of society. Fear is the great crippler that keeps closeted heel wearers from going out, however, admitting defeat only hurts yourself and denies you the pleasure from wearing heels in public which is a real blast. But you're right, you can't buy confidence, you have to gain it. The best way to do that is to start small, say with a low heel, something nondescript, like a stack heeled loafer in black, worn with long pants or jeans so little of the shoe is displayed. Take a walk around the corner as your first outing, nothing more. Once you get that first outing under your belt, you'll invariably feel better.

From there, slowly begin to expand your horizons, both in destinations and shoes. But take your time, don't rush things, go at your own pace until you start to become more comfortable. As you take more and more outings, the confidence will as you arrive at the realization that people as a whole rarely if ever notice what you happen to be wearing. This is just my opinion, but I'd say that at least ninety-five percent of the people you'll encounter are too wrapped up in their own lives and affairs to give a damn about the sight of a man in heels. As for the rest, more often than not, they won't do anything more than stare, do double takes or maybe point and giggle. It's less than one half of one percent of people that do more than that.

It's impossible to "just do it", it all depends on the person and his mental makeup, but I will tell you from personal experience that it CAN be done. It'll take time, but gaining that all important confidence is not impossible to achieve. I hope this was of some help to you.

[Shafted]

For me confidence is knowing how I'm going to handle those difficult situations in advance, so that I don't have to worry about them. Canned responses are good. They come in quite handy, and people tend to buy into them.

[Heelson]

Hi Mithril BlondeBimbo is absolutely right (as are most people here!) ... try Brighton if you can get there. It's the perfect place for building confidence, and it's a good time of year right now - it's a lot quieter out of holiday season. If you want to wear heels without being seen by loads of people, then a walk along the seafront (between Brighton and Hove) is just about perfect. Not many people around, but enough joggers/cyclists to be "safe" from unwanted attention. Once you build up the confidence, then the Lanes area is the next step. Full of "arty" shops and arty people. Lots of little Lanes/alleys, so you can easily find somewhere quiet to change into/outof heels if you need to. And Brighton is the famous gay capital. You see plenty of less mainstream sights in/around the town, so the sight of a man in heels doesn't usually get a second look. I offer all of the above from personal experience. I've done exactly what I've suggested. No problems. No adverse comments. No bad reactions at all. Apart from a bad reaction from my feet the first few times that I walked in 4" heels for too many miles and hours!!! Do it, enjoy it. Hope this helps. H

[keels]

I have crept round the back streets at night in heels and have wanted to do this in daylight. Yesterday I did my shopping in my local Tesco in womens shoes for the first time. OK they were not high heels. They were a kind of loafer. They were not masculine-looking shoes, neither, I admit, were they particularly feminine. They were however female shoes. No one seemed to notice. Certainly no one commented. I met a lady friend, something I was dreading, and nothing happened. They might not have been heels, but I got a real buzz about it. I would certainly feel more confident about wearing smething more feminine next time, it really gave my confidence a boost.

[taliheels]

i would love to street heel but like our friend i have very little confidence in general anyway and street heeling would be a bridge too far for me, it needs to be done in an empathic enviroment as the others have suggested

[Jamie001]

The best way to get over your fear is to put on a pair of very feminine high heel pumps and pantyhose and just go about your normal business so that all of your friends and acquaintences can see that you are wearing high heels. Once you get past that you will be out of the high heel closet and it will be easy. It is really the best way and you will be liberated and be able to wear whatever you want. A good example on this forum is Jeff. He even wears red pumps and pantyhose to work.

I have crept round the back streets at night in heels and have wanted to do this in daylight. Yesterday I did my shopping in my local Tesco in womens shoes for the first time. OK they were not high heels. They were a kind of loafer. They were not masculine-looking shoes, neither, I admit, were they particularly feminine. They were however female shoes. No one seemed to notice. Certainly no one commented. I met a lady friend, something I was dreading, and nothing happened. They might not have been heels, but I got a real buzz about it. I would certainly feel more confident about wearing smething more feminine next time, it really gave my confidence a boost.

[Shafted]

Here's a few that I use: When asked why? Because I can. Because I want to. Because I like messing with people's heads. When asked don't those crunch your toes? Why, are they supposed to? When asked are you gay? Do you even know the meaning of the word?

[JeffB]

Here's a few that I use:

When asked why?

Because I can.

Because I want to.

Because I like messing with people's heads.

When asked don't those crunch your toes?

Why, are they supposed to?

When asked are you gay?

Do you even know the meaning of the word?

Your responses are right on the money, Shafted! Couldn't agree with you more. I remember once being asked if I were gay by a woman on the street when she saw me in heels and my response was: "Yes, I'm quite happy because it's payday." That threw her for quite a loop and she walked away in silence. You're right, Shafted, people have indeed forgotten what "gay" used to mean. Sad, ain't it?

[asdf174]

confidence eh? I could go for some of that stuff. Most of the time I just think that I am the most worthless peice of shit mistake good has ever had the displeasure of createing. Oh well. Fuck it.

[sscotty727]

Was thinking. During the month of October would be great time to go out in Heels for guys that are shy or nervous. If anyone says anything, just say you were practicing walking in them for your Halloweeen costume! Heck, would even be a great excuse to go buy them! You need a pair for your outfit! Scotty

[asdf174]

Yeah that is a good idea.

[bluetango]

confidence eh? I could go for some of that stuff.

asdf174/Arron,

I can empathize with your feelings, because I’ve had my days of feeling worthless. But you are being too hard on your self. It seems that there is no critic more ruthless than a self-critic. Been there, done that.

I felt bad about myself for most of my adult life. Then I complained to my doctor about difficulty sleeping. He gave me an anti-depressant. It didn’t help the sleep problem, but my whole life changed! All of the jerks and bums that made my drive to work unpleasant suddenly became kind hearted, generous drivers. My co-workers changed from vicious conspirators to colleagues who I trusted and who respected me. It was amazing what that little pill did to the attitudes of all those people. And they never took the pill. I took it.

My friend, I don’t know your personal situation, so I don’t know if my experience is relevant. I’m not trying to treat you. I mention this in case it might help.

Also, if money is a problem, don’t worry. That’s what my doc told me when I was about to be laid-off. The pharmaceutical companies have programs to help.

BlueTango

Who thinks that anyone who has the intellect to read these posts has a pretty active mind.

[vector]

Aaron, I hear ya. Been there and the heels helped and hurt- kinda like the proverbial sine wave (or a rollercoaster for you non-techies). Till the web and I found out I wasn't the only "freak" into heels, I sometimes felt the same way you did. As an AA male, this wasn't the type of thing you wanted anyone to know about! But I have some words for you from two musicians (who unfortunately are not with us anymore); "Keep ya head up", Tupac, and "Everything's gonna be allright", Bob Marley (from the song Three Little Birds)

[mithril768]

Thanks for the responses, Sorry I havn't replied sooner but I don't have access to a computer full time. I wish I could report that I had taken onboard your comments and achieved my goal, Sorry! But all is not lost, I will get there eventualy I am sure of that, and I will have this forums contributers to thank for it.

[lorriette]

I liked your idea re halloween, maybe it's where I live in a backwater, or possibly the whole Of the uk. but we don't seem to celebrate this day in the same way as you. OK the kids do, but not many adults, mores the pity. Would one of our american friends like to acquaint us brits on how it,s done.

[BlondeBimbo]

Lorriette, I agree with you. Halloween means little in the UK, when I lived in England if anyone came around begging - I think that's called trick and/or treat in the US I think they would be told "go away - in sharp jurky movements" - Allthough "penny for the Guy" - that's another thing Now I am in Scotland, they tend to send kids around begging a bit more - but it's still not liked. (For some reason they don't bother with November 5th too much!) The only fancy-dress parties I remember were around Christmas - new year. - One year I decided to go all out (there was a boy I fancied like mad in the group!) - so I went a bit adventurous; I wore white sheer stockings, very high red heels (about 6”) and a “Miss Christmas” dress – velvety red with a scooped front – boobs pretty much full on display – and very short skirt – so the stockings & suzzy belt were on display, nails done (extensions & deep red to match the dress) hair & make-up – the full works – I felt great, and looked great. But when I walked into the pub – the first person looked at me – said “great outfit – its Mother Christmas” - Mother Christmas!! - I was only about 18 or 19 Arhhhh! BB

[lorriette]

BB I know the feeling. Once on holiday a few years back, they held weekly fancy dress childrens & adults. Guess who was the only adult! Still my hooped (75cm) earings went down well and I won the bottle of bubbly as the prize. It doe's tend to put one off doing it again though. Perhaps as our members read this subject, news of oct 31 st events will come in.

[asdf174]

Thanks Bluetango and Vector. I have my ups and downs a lot, a lot of people on this site I'm sure can tell you it has been an ongoing battle for me for a while now.

[sscotty727]

I liked your idea re halloween, maybe it's where I live in a backwater, or possibly the whole Of the uk. but we don't seem to celebrate this day in the same way as you. OK the kids do, but not many adults, mores the pity. Would one of our american friends like to acquaint us brits on how it,s done.

Lorriette,

Going from door to door in a costume is pretty much for kids here too (it's even creepy if an older teen goes door to door let alone an adult).

Usually though adults have some kind of party around halloween (say the Friday or Saturday nearest the date, for example this year would be the 28th or 29th). You could do this even in the UK. Hold a party at your house, invite friends, etc and tell them it's a dress up party (come as whomever they wish). Some people dress up as famous people (actors, politans) , others dress as scary people (vampires, ghosts, etc), others dress as movie characters (darth vader, star trek, etc) and finally others dress as just something over the edge (a man in drag, woman as a man, etc). Anyway, my thought is to use such a party to dress in an outfit (dress/heels/whatever) you always wanted to wear but were too shy/afraid to normally wear.

In addition, should you want a good excuse to be out in heels or even buying heels, you can say "I am going to this costume party (come to think of it, you can have a costume party anytime, not just halloween) and I am going as a woman. I need to buy/practice walking in heels to look convincing".

Just an idea.

Good luck,

Scotty

[lorriette]

sscotty727 thanks for the insight into US halloween. I asked because I had seen it mentioned so many times in other replies and wondered what the difference actually is. I street heel and heel & skirt even though the soh is not really infavour. we have some ground rules that generally cover her objections.

[sscotty727]

lorriette, Not a problem. I was more trying to offer a suggestion to mithril768 and others who might need that extra "boost" to work up the courage to buy or wear more riske' heels in public. Actually, was thinking of maybe trying to go out in pumps (which I normally never wear) and use that as an excuse as well (I am practicing wearing them so I can look convincing when I go to a halloween party). Good luck, Scotty

[Jamie001]

I believe that it is much better to just put on your pumps and go about your normal business. If anyone asks your why you are wearing women's shoes, just tell them that you like wearing women's shoes. It is best to be honest and not make excuses because you are not doing anything that is illegal or wrong.

lorriette,

Not a problem. I was more trying to offer a suggestion to mithril768 and others who might need that extra "boost" to work up the courage to buy or wear more riske' heels in public. Actually, was thinking of maybe trying to go out in pumps (which I normally never wear) and use that as an excuse as well (I am practicing wearing them so I can look convincing when I go to a halloween party).

Good luck,

Scotty

[mithril768]

Thanks for the support, but I think that jamie 001's approach is best for me. I feel that I shouldn't have to give any excuses for wearing heels in public, although I have not had to cross that bridge yet, but I will. Strangely enough, although I don't have the confidence to wear my heels in public I have no problem going into a shop and buying them, although I have not tried any on in the shop, well once about 20 years ago. but then you couldn't get womens shoes above a size 7 in a regular shoe shop in them days ("God I sound like I should be in a home!")

[a3]

hallo, going in high heel out at times in USA or UK at haloweel Christmas and more dates, that can be comman is thies parts of the world. But how about "carnaval" in the carabieen or south America but also in parts of Europa. Everyone can be dressed up, kids and adults say arround halve of february. And for a few days in line. A nice apportunity to try out different shoe and clothing in a pleasand atmosphere of happy people (mostly). good luck A3

[sscotty727]

All, If you are comfortable and confident in wearing heels in public, that is great and go for it. I am VERY comfortable in wedges and block heels, but less comfortable in spiked heels. My idea was only ways to either work up the confidence OR ways to wear heels you normally wouldn't out in public. Whatever works for YOU is the best. There is no one way fits all formula. Scotty

[Mike Hinch]

For a while now been looking around and getting ready to post a new subject titled Getting Started. But here it is already so rather than to start a new one I will add my experience and time honored methods here. Now to the one that says just put on some high heel pumps and pantyhose and go for it or the one that says just do it. Well I sort of disagree. And to the one that says there is no one formula for everyone I disagree with that also so here is my one plan for everyone. Some few years ago I wanted to go to town wearing a skirt. So I went to a place that was frequented by nonstandard people. Good start. And in addition to that it was a place where they did know me. After that I went for a burger and went in, not the drive through. Then on to the filling station for some Diesel juice for my buggy. Continuing to other places where I was mostly just accepted. The complements came later as I get complemented on my skirt maybe once a month. The kilt more often. So one safe method is the place. Another is that before I wore a skirt to church I showed the skirt to the missions director and got an opinion how likest thou this skirt. So it was approved before I wore it to church. And another one size fits all plan is to stay within what is familiar and safe. There are a lot of boots that look the same as boots with heels. This can be expensive so maybe get thrift store boots and gradually increase the height of the heel. Also some of the other ways of getting started already posted are actually good ideas and certainly that old cover story the special occasion. While this is a good subject there has not been too many postings just recently but we see if anyone has more to offer.