Any advice on how to feel better after a break up with a person that accepted your love for heels?

[ljhh]

Hello everyone, 

I know this isn't shoe related but, I really need to let off some steam  Until yesterday I had a 4 and a half years of relationship with a wonderful girl, never been treated better or been more loved before her. She helped me get on the track and go back to school (I am 26 y.o. and 8 months from becoming an electromechanical engineer), feel "normal" and happy with wearing heels (she helped me expand my collection of heels from 3 to almost 40 pairs  ) even let me wear crossdress just for fun... She felt that she needed to be "free" and know how life is (she is 4 years younger than I and her parents were overprotective, didn't let her go out to party) since she was working and studying she felt less "confined" but felt that she needed space frome me, she asked me for some time but you all know what that means  ... Did you ever experienced that before? I am crying like a lil' kid as all of my plans incluided her, I was studying because I wanted to offer her a happy future; maybe it is because I am boring (I don't know how to dance and I don't like to go out for the same reason) or because there is someone else in her heart now  .

 

I would appreciate if you reply or give me some advice as I see there are a lot of older, wiser and more secure gentlemen than me in here. I dunno if there are any women in here that could give me an advice as well... I feel like I am not worth a dime, and that I will never find another woman as her ever again  I can't even look at my high heels collection without thinking about her, but I can't throw them all to the trash! I am very bad for making and keeping friendships and I have only a friend which happens to be her cousin (male).

I hope thay my English is understandable as It is not my native language. Thank You 

 

LJ 

[jeremy1986]

@ljhh - chin up, lad. I am sure you are feeling down right now - its only natural. 

You need to stay strong, as you are a person in your own right, and deserve to live a good life, regardless of who you are with. who knows - maybe she will be back, but build yourself up, so you can keep your self value, which you certainly have! 

[ljhh]

5 hours ago, jeremy1986 said:

@ljhh - chin up, lad. I am sure you are feeling down right now - its only natural. 

You need to stay strong, as you are a person in your own right, and deserve to live a good life, regardless of who you are with. who knows - maybe she will be back, but build yourself up, so you can keep your self value, which you certainly have! 

Nah, she asked for some time one day and now she said that she won`t come back with me, she didn`t feel happy with me anymore and that she stayed with me only because of my good relationship with her family and to not hurt my feelings, she felt that she needed to care for herself now. The worse thing is that she broke up with me by whatsapp, She said that she would talk to me in person but she will not comeback to me... It is the end, but I will seek profesional help, it is not normal that I put my whole life on a single woman. I feel more lucid than yesterday even though I may go back to the depressive state tomorrow, who knows, It terrifies me but what options do I have? 

Thanks for replying, believe or not it is of great help to me.  

[ljhh]

8 hours ago, kneehighs said:

@ljhh I'm sorry for your loss.  I'm sure it's painful and beyond what I can fathom as each situation is unique.  At the core level, you're probably dealing with unresolved childhood wounds that have been re-opened: abandonment, rejection, shame ("I feel like I am not worth a dime,"), and helplessness are the common ones.  I'm no expert by any stretch, but the IMHO, the key for right now is to allow yourself to be honest with your feelings.  Be honest with yourself about why you liked her.  Be true to your emotions.

Just be honest with yourself to start.  

I had a back injury and was in bed for 2 weeks, I would rather feel that pain than this heartache. Maybe one day I'll be laughing at this, but at the moment I feel Like S***t, I thought I was the strong one in the relationship. 

You may be right, maybe it has to do with my childhood (I come from a dysfunctional family) I was thinking and googling all day about my feelings and decided to seek for professional help. Hope theraphy works in the long therm, as after the breakup I feel less of a man for liking high heels. 

Thanks for replying you were certainly very accurate with your opinion. I liked her maybe because she accepted me and cared a lot about me. 

Thank You 

 

[Gudulitooo]

Stay positive.

Find another one.

Let's say this has nothing to do with you, instead this has to do with the rest of the world that seems more attractive because more diversified.

Poor girl she will have a hard time finding one guy offering as much as what the whole world is promisinig to offer.

In the end she may regret her move, ... or not, who cares.

 

Edited August 25, 2017 by Gudulitooo

[Cali]

Learn from the experience, but don't dwell in it.  You are very young and sometimes when young people get together and one see what's out there, they change. You said that her family was strict and her family liked you.  Maybe this is more about getting away from their control.

You are close to completing a good degree, concentrate on that. Then when you finish get that job and start over.

You are young and more women at your age are okay with it. I'm in my 60's and although there are women that are okay with me in heels, it not okay for their boyfriends.  And they call themselves open minded and want somebody who can think out of the box.

[ljhh]

On 25/8/2017 at 5:23 AM, Gudulitooo said:

Stay positive.

Find another one.

Let's say this has nothing to do with you, instead this has to do with the rest of the world that seems more attractive because more diversified.

Poor girl she will have a hard time finding one guy offering as much as what the whole world is promisinig to offer.

In the end she may regret her move, ... or not, who cares.

 

I confronted her last friday. I believe that thing of being free was just an excuse. She does not love me anymore. Maybe she has another person in her heart, but I don't want to know as I'll lose my time and efforts in something that isn't there anymore

Thank You for the advice Gudulitooo

[ljhh]

On 25/8/2017 at 8:20 AM, Cali said:

Learn from the experience, but don't dwell in it.  You are very young and sometimes when young people get together and one see what's out there, they change. You said that her family was strict and her family liked you.  Maybe this is more about getting away from their control.

You are close to completing a good degree, concentrate on that. Then when you finish get that job and start over.

You are young and more women at your age are okay with it. I'm in my 60's and although there are women that are okay with me in heels, it not okay for their boyfriends.  And they call themselves open minded and want somebody who can think out of the box.

for now I only wish I could feel better about myself, and learn how to make some good friends  

Hope I could meet more woman who could be ok with me being in heels. But here in Mexico it could be very hard...

Thank You for the Advice Cali 

[ljhh]

On 29/8/2017 at 3:57 PM, kneehighs said:

Hi @ljhh.  I think the core feeling you are struggling with here is shame.  In your first post you said, "I feel like I'm not worth a dime".  And in your last post you said, "For now I only wish I could feel better about myself...."  That's shame.  Shame can be an extraordinarily painful emotion to process, overwhelming, and make you want to hide from the world and yourself.  

Brené Brown states,  “Shame is the intensely painful feeling or experience of believing that we are flawed and therefore unworthy of love and belonging.  Shame keeps worthiness away by convincing us that owning our stories will lead to people thinking less of us. Shame is all about fear. We’re afraid that people won’t like us if they know the truth about who we are, where we come from, what we believe, how much we’re struggling, or, believe it or not, how wonderful we are when soaring (sometimes it’s just as hard to own our strengths as our struggles).”

John Bradshaw in his book, Healing the Shame that Binds You, "shame as a healthy human emotion can be transformed into shame as a state of being. As a state of being shame takes over one’s whole identity. To have shame as an identity is to believe that one’s being is flawed, that one is defective as a human being. Once shame is transformed into an identity, it becomes toxic and dehumanizing.”

Alice Miller, in her book, The Drama of the Gifted Child wrote, “The art of not experiencing feelings. A child can experience her feelings only when there is somebody there who accepts her fully, understands her, and supports her. If that person is missing, if the child must risk losing the mother's love of her substitute in order to feel, then she will repress emotions.” 

Chances are this girl, unlike your family, allowed you to be yourself.  So in a sense, she "healed" the pain you felt rejecting yourself to maintain the caretaking your family gave you.The thing is, this is probably intergenerational in nature.  Your family probably learned it from their parents and they in turn learned it from their parents.  

The trouble is, it's easy to take a good thing and make it excessively good.  In this case, the relationship became your path to cure your childhood wounds.  In your response to jeremy1986 you said "I put my whole life on a single woman."  That's a bummer, because you have a whole lot more worth to give yourself and the world than this girls approval will ever offer.  You don't need to be someone's hero to be valuable, you just need to be you.

 

 

 

It might be true. My mother knows I like high heels, she accepted it to some point but I don't wear heels in front of her. My ex did accept my love for heels but she did more than that, she was loving, caring and helped me a lot. At the end she was the opposite, maybe she was cheating on me, the typical symptoms where there, but it's not worth wasting my energy on that. I feel much better now (it has passed a month and 5 days since the breakup) I still miss her, I still think about her daily (sometimes I feel grateful for the moments, other times I hate her for lying and hidding things from me but it isn't something I can change, so I am trying to let go once and for all). The thing is that I haven't wore high heels since the breakup as it reminds me of my time with her  Most of my life I wished I didn't like high heels of at least not wanting to wear them, now that I dont feel like wearing 'em I feel bad, empty or missing something special of me. Thanks for your advice and citing those authors (I'll check on them) I am currently going to a therapist and we are working on my childhood "wounds" my inner child needs to be taken care of (by me of course).