Wedding! Not Heel Themed.

[ilikekicks]

Forenote : Theres no heels involved in this story outside of the ones my wife was wearing and shes not even mentioned in this as a main entity.

As many of you know, I do studio recording part time and have played with several people over my years. I have been known to throw a bone to those I know and run sound/DJ/VJ or get a live band to do a wedding reception.

Low and behold, My sister became as dumb as myself and tied the knot!

I met the guy she has been dating for the last year. Hes into banking or accounting or something and has a quite stable job and doesnt do to bad in the $ department. My sister is a headshrinker ( Doctor ). This sister ( I have 2 ) and I arent what I would call ' really close ', but through thick and thin, we have always been there for each other.

The Husbands family, I had NO CLUE what they were about.. that is.. until this past evening.

The Story Im about to tell is ' my night '. If you dont choke when you laugh, get a beverage or some popcorn/concessions. You have been forwarned.

My sister and her now ' husband ' were married in a ' Weslyan ' church ( Spelling on that? ). I know what catholics are, muslims, jewish.. but when it comes to baptist/lutheren/weslyan and all the other ' flavors ', I havent a clue.

Needless to say, our Sound guy ( My older brother whom owns the recording studio ) was setting up my stuff with the other 4 band members at the reception hall so I could go to the ceremony itself as Im family.

I found out that the Priests or ministers ( reverends? ) of this ' denomination/faith/whatever ' are PAID! They can be married! They can have kids! And they sure as hell can have all the cool stuff like iPads to read the ministry off of! And their ' church ' or organization can have a nice JBL sound system ( probably over 100g's! ) and Visual systems with huge screens and.. I dunno, I thought churches and ministries were about saving souls and god, not about having some of the finest materialistic entities I have ever seen in my 40+ years!

The Grooms family is from all over, mostly ' down south '. By ' down south ' I mean the REAL bible belt! MIssissippi, Alabama, Louisiana..

When they arrived, In their nice/expensive suits with their wives dressed to the nines.. I sorta tried to blend into the background.

As most of you know, Im not intimidated that easily.. but these people.. man.. They all had that southern drawl when they spoke..

I went out to my truck and ditched my wedges, my shirt and grabbed my hoodie and sneakers. I didnt want to give these people anything to complain about, its not *my* wedding.. My sister wouldnt have cared but, Its a special moment in her life and a 1 day event.

Before the ceremony started, the folks from ' down south ' decided to grill the minister. They wanted to know what the beliefs of his congregation were and all the details. They werent that impressed and for the whole ceremony they sat there like bricks, unflinching. The ceremony itself was a whole 20 minutes.

As they were leaving, they saw my wife and I by the back door and one of them actually asked me ' Whom might you be? ' in a pretty demeaning tone. So , I stuck my hand out and said ' Hello. Im Dan, brother of the bride '. They didnt accept my hand and one of the WOMEN said ( under her breathe ) " Damn yankee ".

WTF? Were in a friggin church of somekind!!!

OK. I can understand. This is Buffalo NY, they havent had any REAL Buffalo wings yet, nobody has offered them any, where the hell is our hospitality for these people. *I* would be a bit miffed if someone did that to me!

Onto the reception. Time to change as Im playing. Let the hair out of the tail, on goes the ballcap, white linen pants, long white ' tailed ' shirt..

The reception is at a local union hall. Not huge but a good sized room. Brother has everything setup and says all the levels are done, I just need to tune and can be ready to go in no time.

I need to make a note at this point for everyone reading. Above I said this is a real event of my night. I mean such as 100% true as ' I know ' or witnessed. I dont know the whole/true history of my new brother in laws family. Today was the first time I have met any of them, I had only met my sisters now ' husband ' and he seemed like a great guy whom might be a bit adventurous.

Before we were going to play, the priest/reverend ( I still dont know what the heck they call him! ) wanted to have everyone bless the couple and say some words. So, He gets the Sennheiser mic and center stage. He does his thing and we are then told that we will be playing ' after dinner '. DJ time before hand. So much for the original plan. This is different, never seen it done this way.

To a table we all go to sit and have something to eat. I was given instructions for the Father/Bride and Mother/Groom songs that they wanted to dance to. The songs were learned so.. we had no worries about what we were playing. We can eat and fall in line of the rest of the night, no big deal.

So.. were there piggin out and the bar was open and people started to consume massive amounts of ' good stuff '. It wasnt 30 minutes after the reverend/priests opening statement that someone was drunk. Apparently ( we found out later ) one of those southerners brought some ' home brew ' and spiked the punch that already had enough ' spike ' of its own. I know for a fact my wife dumped a whole liter of Vodka in the damn thing and I saw someone else dumping something in it that wasnt from down south.. Im betting that stuff was pretty potent!

The people I was playing with this past night are a ' mixed lot '. Singer is female, Bass player is Black, drummer is ho-chi-mhin/asian ( yes, we go back and forth and Im not letting him get off clean even on this forum! ) and our keyboard/rhythm guitar guy is half Italion and half Indian ( from india, not native american type ). No real ' white ' people amongst us.

One of them ' down south ' kinds came around our table. " Yall the help for the night? "

' The what? '

" Help "

' You need help? '

" No "

' If your lost or need to find something, Im sure we can assist you '

" No, I meant are ya'll serving dinner or cleaning up after were done celebrating? "

THINK! This is your sisters wedding. Dont want to ruin its memory. No need to be rude or start anything..

' No sir. After everyone enjoys a very good meal.. the dinner the caterers are serving, we are going to entertain you. '

" This young gal can entertain me right here " he says with a smile.. implying my wife!

THINK! This is your sisters wedding.. dont want to ruin its memory.. blah blah blah..

Earlier this week, I was involved in a skirmish at a hockey game.. with a drunk ' french-canadian '.. Well.. weddings.. with drunks..

A lightbulb clicked on in my head..

' Sir, the lady is wearing a ring and I dont think the good lord would approve of you soliciting a married woman.. I know you might not have approved of the earlier ceremony but god does have his ways..'

I think his light-bulb clicked on as he just walked away. He wasnt happy!

So.. a few minutes go by and a co-motion starts on the other side of the room.. I see the Groom go over and he separated 2 guys from going at it..

Im starting to think this is going to be an eventful night and if so, I dont have that ' Southern Mans Honor ' or Chivalry when it comes to preserving my 148 pound life ( yeah I lost some weight ). Im not taking a beating!

A few more incidents happen and dinner is over. These people just cant seem to get along with each other. Some constantly calling the other ' yankee ' while the others are making slurs at each other.. and the groom is sitting at the head table just looking down at his food with a red face as hes really getting pissed off.

I go up on stage and strap on my favorite Charvel ( guitar , Ive posted pics of it.. its Neon Pink ). Im checking the tune and all I heard was someone yell " They have a faggot playing guitar! What kind of homo band did you hire for your reception! Just cause you married something that looks like a woman doesnt hide the fact your gay! "

By the time I turned around, the groom was already on this guy like white on rice! 3 or 4 other people were right behind him picking off the others around the melee.

I looked at my brother and said " You gonna call the cops or something! " as hes always been the level headded road crew manager for some big named tours. Clint Black, Shania Twain, Blackhawk, Charlie Daniels, Reba MacIntyre..

He looked at me and smiled " Not this time! Im too old and wont see too many more of events like this! Quality entertainment right here!! "

He que's up a tune on his macbook and out through the P.A. system comes Me First and the GImmie Gimmies version of ' kung foo fighting '.

No bullshit! If Im lying, im in flats for life!

So.. heres my older brother whom looks like Elmer Fudd, headbanging and rocking out to the Gimme-Gimmies while 4 or 5 separate fights are going on.. and hes just cranking up that system, 3400watts at 4ohms stable, shaking tables.. while this melee is going on..

If we ( the band ) would have known that song, we probably would have started playing it/joined in!

Being a union hall, some of the hall members were there and broke it up. Several people were ejected/thrown out.. including my new brother in law.

Imagine that.. being thrown out of your own wedding reception?!?!? I about pissed myself laughing. Our vocalist ( Vikki ) asked me " Can they do that? Throw you out of your own wedding reception? It doesnt seem right? I mean .. hes half the reason we are here ya know? "

Finally, my brother used the mic to speak with the Hall members over the crowd and they let my new brother in law back in. He didnt look too worse for wear. Once he ditched his sport-coat and tie, he was fine.

Just about everyone brought a change of clothes/shoes ( the women didnt dance in the heels they wore to church. They brought SLIPPERS! ) and dressed down quite a bit.

We played the 2 required songs and then went onto some cover songs. We then played 8 of our original works which received GREAT reception and distributed over 50 copies of the demo cd we made. People just came up and asked " Do you have a cd with your stuff on it? ". My brother distributed discs from where he was sitting on the other side of the room. We were even considerate enough to sit Vikki for one song and have our bass player sing ' courtesy of the red white and blue ' ( for non-country music folks, its a pretty rude song that some seem to enjoy. )

Not a bad 2 hours of playing to be honest.

When we were packing up our stuff and my brother was putting in the rest of the night doing DJ work, my new brother in law came over and we had a small conversation. The FIRST thing he did was looked at my feet ' Wheres the boots? '. I told him about the ' run in ' at the ' church ' and I didnt want to cause any waves.. " Dude, it would have been impossible to NOT cause waves with them! Thats why they were invited! "

' WTF? '

" Do you really think I wanted just another boring wedding? Your sister deserves a night to remember! "

Well.. what the hell! Welcome to the family! Apparently my sister was quite correct when she said he did have a wild side to him.

I might get in trouble here and I hope people understand.. that sometimes.. ' payback ' is a real bitch! Im normally not a blatant asshole and dont want to see others in harms way.. but I can make an acceptation once in a while..

I found out what time the people from ' Down South ' were flying back and what flights they were on. I called the airport and talked to someone there saying that there were people whom attended a wedding I was hosting and some of the liquor wound up missing right after they left and it was liquor they didnt sell down in the southlands. There might be some people trying to take it home with them and that I knew they were flying out in the morning so they might want to look for it. I done want it back or anything, I just dont thing glass bottles are allowed on planes.

I just really cant imagine what could happen at a TSA checkpoint/screening to some people with southern drawls, with certain descriptions and looking like they were in fights the night before..

It would be even more humorous if they could say " This is a routine check. Some faggot with a pink guitar called us and said you might be running liquor ".

I just cant wait to hear if anything happens on that one.

-Ilk.

[Shafted]

Can't wait to here the out come of that one.

[ilikekicks]

I'll be honest.. I didnt like ' those people '. In my time in uniform I was in North Carolina for 2 years. They were all very hospitable and charming people. Lovbed them and the area. The ones that were there last night.. I dunno.. just not the type of folks I would invite home for dinner.

[Logjam]

I grew up in the south. There are lots of genuinely decent, friendly, and responsible people there. There are a few cretins. (I think it's much the same wherever one goes. You just happened to encounter a contingent from "group B".) REsults from the airport will be interesting! Regards, Logjam

[Shafted]

ILK, you did just give the TSA a excuse to do a BCS.

[ilikekicks]

ILK, you did just give the TSA a excuse to do a BCS.

I dont believe they would do a BCS on them.

I heard nothing. Apparently they had no problems at the airport and all flew out this morning. Im just glad they are gone!

[yozz]

Wow! Nice brother in law you got. It may take a while to get used to his wild side and what to expect from him. You may not get bored though. And he sounds OK. It also may take a while before your sister will pay that part of the family a visit. Y.

[ilikekicks]

The good things are.. 1.) Ive been in situations where my equipment ( bands equipment ) has been harmed/broken from drunks spilling beer into out monitors, guitars being robbed, mics being robbed.. Nothing was harmed. 2.) My new Brother in Law is fine. He really didnt want ' that ' part of his family around. His folks are great and it was his aunts/uncles/cousins from out of state that started the ruckus. They wont be around at all or very seldom in the future. 3.) He ( Bro in law ) knows how to play hockey and he plays on the rough side so.. Next year hes gonna be out on the pond with us. 4.) Gained some publicity for our demo on the local level. The DJ is gonna play some of the songs off of it at some of his upcoming events. All in all, it was an ' ok ' night. I can deal with hecklers.. if I cant, I'll sick my Bro-in-law on em!

[fatfuzz]

Sounds like a night out in your average northern english small town! And city for that matter. I'm a sound engineer myself and used to do alot of work in small venues around town (cut my teeth in them) and whilst it's a rare thing I have experienced similar things when the wrong crowds have been mixed together - usually on some local band showcase night.

[Bubba136]

Priceless

[ChipsHH]

Very entertaining story. I can only wish to get to that level with a couple of my cousins, so that when they get married...EFF what I'm allowed to wear! Lol, I know it's completely beside the point... but man! The world is a scary place! And not from just two of your stories I've read now, either.