Telling friends and family

[xaphod]

Terayon and Squirrelheels have problems at present, because their heel wearing is very restricted due to their living with parents. Both are 16 and, unless they are hoping to be allowed to wear heels openly at home, they may be forced to wait until they leave for University before they get more freedom. They face other pressures from their peer group. Personally, I think that the level of control exerted by teenagers on their peers rivals the control exerted by Queen's Regulations in the armed forces! When I think of the amount of flak I put up with for dressing differently, I would suggest that 90% originates from immature kids. I'm old enough, and confident enough in the existence of myself as an individual, to have the conviction to tell these people to 'go to hell', but our younger bretheren need as much help as possible. The following from Terayon is typical:- ---------------------------------------------------------------------- sadly, i havent gotten up the nerve to tell anyone about my passion for wearing womens heels = I dont know if I will ever be able to tell my mom, i think she would understand...but i wouldnt know how to approach it... ---------------------------------------------------------------------- I don't have any 'sure fire' answers either, but one thing springs to mind, if you can persuade your parents to read the board and talk to us, we would certainly like to help. I just thought .... when you are surfing, maybe you could say "Mom, I think you ought to see this website I've been looking at for a while." This technique worked for me and Heather. Firefox can vouch for this, because he and I visited Heather before Christmas. ... and, as I have said, more than once on the other board, "If, through my efforts here, others can be spared some of the heely angst I suffered for 20 years, I will be happy." <font size=-1>[ This Message was edited by: xaphod on 2002-02-22 19:16 ]</font>

[Firefox]

I'm not convinced it's always a good idea to point them in the direction of a board like this. Many parents are suspicious of things on the internet. My Mum associates it with "porn" and such like for example. A better idea would be if they could see someone else "in the flesh" doing it. On your own, you're alone, two's company, and three's a veritable crowd when it comes to new trends. When you are less than 18 you are subject to a limited income, school pressure, and peer pressure. I didn't start doing my own thing with heels until I went to university. I was certainly "in the closet" at 16. (It was usually my Mum's closet though )

[Yamyam]

Well, if only this site had been here when I was off to university!

I have a slightly different problem, in that I have a young child. They're at an age where they will notice and comment, and likely tell lots of other people about it. I am separated from his mother, who sort-of knows about me and heels, but I don't really want it broadcast to the world. I've no idea what to do, so any suggestions are welcome.

So, while I sympathise with the 16-year olds, I'm in a predicament too. And this one's not easy either. I would say, tho', that it may be easier when you're younger. I nearly had a conversation with my parents at 17, but now that I'm rather older, I think the moment may have passed.

Like others would probably say, 'Go for it!' Actually, just like shopping, you may find that the reality is nowhere near as bad as the terror .

Now, if I can just learn to take my own advice .

[terayon]

the tactic ive chosen was to leave my boots in my closet in a somewhat hidden, but quite obvious spot, my mom will find them, and either be too nervous to talk to me and put them back, or we will talk about it...i hope its the second one, cause id like to wear them around the house when my moms there (cant wear them around my sister, shed tell all my friends for sure). Im not sure weather it will be a HUGE shock to my mom, or nothing big at all that she might find cool...im a normal guy in the sense i hate shopping with my mom when she drags me into shoe stores and clothing shops, so it may be kinda wierd me yellingat her for buying all those "stupid shoes" for so long, then coming out and saying i like to wear them.....*shrug*...i will keep you guys notified if anything develops... on another note, i wore my boots outside for the first time tonight! my sister is at our cottage and my mom was walking the dogs, so i took a little stroll down the street, it was ended abruptly when my best friends sister came driving by, it was dark...but i was so nervous! hopefully ill walk a longer distant tommorow night! im just angry cause my heels are already showing some small signs of wear, kinda like a new toy or something...when its new you notice ALL the little imperfections =) thanks again for the support everyone

[Platformdude]

Terayon, at least you are trying to work through it. That takes serious courage in the teenage years. It's ironic how teens usually rant about wanting freedom, but in the end, the pressure to conform is pretty intense. I hated high school, and don't have contact with any of my former classmates. We were just too stupid at the time to enjoy the diversity of opinions, tastes, and styles that we later appreciate as adults. In the end, it's a simple fashion decision. But, for whatever reason, a battle line has been drawn culturally over heels. It's been breached before (the 1970's) but old attitudes remain. Hang in there!

[xaphod]

FF, you seem to forget that Terayon's mom is most probably somewhere between OUR ages, with a fairly balanced approach to the advantages and disadvantages of the net. Even my old mum (bless her cotton socks) who was 79, had a more open attitude to the net, as soon as I showed her what it could do!

[xaphod]

Since the topic is much more general, I've removed the reference to teenagers.

[terayon]

my mom doesnt view the net as a bad thing...i think her idea of the net is like a gun....good people can use it for good things...and bad people can use it for bad things...

[Francis]

your mum is correct in the respect of her analogy. the internet is a brilliant place for finding information on virtually any subject. Herein lies it's potential destructive capabilites. Good and bad only comes about through the person using this information. I must admit to some bombmaking in my younger years. Having access to some MOD secrets, you soon learned how to make explosives from household chemicals Lots of fun at the time, but the attraction wore off after a friend blew his hand off with touch explosives! back to the topic - I know that admitting to parents about your heel fascination is extremely difficult, but the biggest part of this problem is fear itself. Fear of fear is not healthy, fear of rejection can lead to loss of self confidence. The only advice I can offer is that to come clean with them. If they object then just try and point out some of the things that they 'rebelled' against in regards to their fashion choices. In the sixties they got stick for wearing miniskirts until they became commonplace. In the seventies women burned their bras. The eighties saw an increase in weird hairstyles and clothing. Nineties saw jewellry becoming more commonplace as piercings became fashionable on men which led to more extreme piercings. Let's make the first part of the 2000's the heel revolution. By admitting to it, you are not degrading yourself as a person, in fact you are less of a person to hide it! Be a whole person and therefore more confident and content. Not as easy to do as say I know, but you'll realise I'm right later

[squirrelheels]

It's nice to know that there are other people in the exact same situation. (equadox, i've added u to my msn contacts terayon, do you have msn or aim at all?) I have actually worn my heels outside before. I used the same tactic as terayon! No one but my sister was in, and she was in the lounge watching tv. i peered round the door and said i was going out for a walk. i just took a walk around the block. i've done this a couple of times wearing light/beige trousers and 3 inch block heels. i've also taken more than a few trips out in the daytime, but i was more devious with this one i wore a pair of my sister's (black)sandals inside a pair of trainers, which i covered up with the same pair of trousers. this worked a treat, although what it did to the sandals i have no idea.. she never wears them anymore though!! (maybe i should ask her... ) I don't know what my parents would think to be honest. I'm pretty sure they know. I think my dad opened the box that was under my bed, and then he hinted as i was going out that evening "and wear sensible shoes! no high heels!". you think he knows? I reckon he does, but hasn't confronted me about it. Both of my parents are pretty open minded, and i don't think they would mind if i wore them round the house... but it's just getting to that stage. Having said that, my mum's a physiotherapist.. and we all know what their view is on heels as for my sister, she's not big on heels, but i don't think she'd be too bothered by it, or even notice for that matter. she isn't into heels in a big way. Squirrel out.

[chip7X]

Just thinking. If your young and you tell your parents they might think you're going through some sort of phase in your life. They'll take it as an act of rebellion or a fashion statement. If you are older and married with children, it seems to be difficult to explain. It would be even harder on to tell your children.

[Bob]

I'm in my early thirties and wouldn't know how to tell my parent's! I probably won't because I really don't thinks it's important, I live from home (have done for over 15 years) and pretty much do what I want. I wear what I like quite openly and nobody either notices or cares, in fact i've often been complemented for looking smart which I think is the most important thing, in fact I think heels have helped in that respect, improving my posture has certainly helped (and that's a good thing about heels, they can improve posture) They say honesty is the best policy, so be honest with yourself, then perhaps you can honest with other people

[terayon]

I think my mom found my boots today...but im not sure...they seem to be moved, but she didnt say anything to me = If she did find them, i wish she would say something to me so that i can wear them around the house...i really dont like hiding from her all the time

[ShockQueen]

I have a 4-year-old girl who knows full well of my heels at home. In fact, the regularly borrows my 6" spike platform pumps to wear around the house, and SHE NEVER FALLS! It's incredible to watch her go around the apartment like that. I'm sure she'll grow up with more of an open mind than most kids these days. I'm not one to hide who I am, even from my own family.

[Tacchi Alti]

I fully agree on the point of my kids knowing, both their own knowledge and potential grief for them if it became known at school that their paternal parent wears high heels - shock, horror. They don't seem to look twice at 2-2.5" boots and I don't think they suspect that my Bertullis are not what they seem, but I think higher heels would cause them a bit of worry.

[Highluc]

When my daughters were still at home, they sometimes borrowed my footwear. Now they are married and don't do that anymore but are fully aware of my preferences and don't make a point of it. They recognise me for my values, not for my look.

[squirrelheels]

I've been considering a few things. I think that I really ought to tell my parents sooner rather than later, but my big worry is how to go about it, and how they'll react. My dad has actually seen me whilst wearing heels, although whether he actually noticed the heels or not, I'm not sure. He certainly hasn't commented. I was wondering how they would respond if I just started wearing them one evening? Any ideas/experiences? SH

[Francis]

I think the best approach would be to talk them about it first and then show them. Reactions can quite often be different between discussion and demonstration. Talking to them first will show that you have thought it all out and jump into it on a whim. They may just view it all as a sign of the times and be pretty cool about it, or they may have the opposite effect, but if they or not prepared for it, then the act of walking in and showing them the heels on your feet may just provoke outcry from them. I tried to get the message across to my parents, they objected until more things started appearing in my room, then they realised that the more they had a negative reaction to it, the more I would do it! They weren't going to CURE me as there is nothing to cure. Reason with your parents first and then wear your heels. Start off in lower heels first and then gradually increase the height and they'll be used to it in no time. Plus you're less likely to come a cropper and get the "I told you so" bit from them

[Highluc]

I don't agree. A picture tells more than a thousand words. You said your dad already saw you wearing them and didn't react, good so. Why discuss something that isn't a problem? Just continue to wear casually some acceptable heels that are coordinated with the rest of your outfit. Why bring up the subject if they are not bothered? Starting a discussion without visual cues will automatically bring up the image of their sun parading around in ultra feminine heels and have them voice a negative opinion to any heel ideas. Wearing acceptable heels will boost your confidence and if questions are asked, it will be easier to explain your preferences. If they ask, be honest and tell them you prefer the styles and feel and that's it. Do not try to invent excuses, convince them your choice of footwear does not change the rest of your personallity or way of life. With the time you will be able to slowly rise the heights and get them used to your new image. Probably they will perceive it as new fashion or a new look. Don't wake up sleeping dogs by obtaining approval for something they cannot imagine.

Last week I visited my folks (aged 75) for an overnight and the second day when coming back from a rainy shopping trip in Ostend my dad saw me removing my BK13 4-inch wedge knee highs after getting in.

http://www.highluc.yucom.be/images/BK13Bronxwedge105-15cm2002.jpg

Although I wore them the previous day as well this was his first comment and he asked me if I would also wear those at the official military gathering that evening. I told him I had my Bertullis for that and he seemed reassured and made no further comments. That afternoon I visited my daughter and grandsun and she made no comments on my footwear. I wore these boots under dark blue ribbed velours pants that exposed about 2-inches of the wedge showing a coordinated look.

_________________

Be youself, enjoy any footwear you like and don't care about what others think about it, it's your life, not theirs. Greetings from Highluc on http://walk.to/highluc

<font size=-1>[ This Message was edited by: Highluc on 2002-02-27 20:09 ]</font>

[Trolldeg]

When my mom came to visit me some time ago and saw my 4" bronx boots for the first time, she seemed more concerned about me breaking my legs wearing them, than them being 'womens' boots.

[Firefox]

That was exactly my mum's concern TD. This was some time ago now anyway, but I never had some meaningful conversation about it. I just wore them in front of my parents. Of course I was in my 20's then and my own person as it were so they didn't have much choice in the matter. With regard to kids, it was said "I think higher heels would cause them a bit of worry." So what "worry" is that? Kids are more flexible than most people. Like anyone else, when they see something a bit different they are likely to notice. Unlike adults they are likely to point it out or ask a question because they want to learn. So educate them. Francis will back me up on this one. I was at his house and some kids (8 & 10 or so) came in and asked why I was wearing heels. I just told them that was what I did quite a bit, and it wasn't any big deal. They accepted that and got on with playing. If they meet another guy who does it they probably wont even bother asking. _________________ Believe in your right to wear what you want <font size=-1>[ This Message was edited by: Firefox on 2002-02-28 18:52 ]</font>

[Tacchi Alti]

That was me who said about them possibly worrying. *They* might get used to it and not think much about me wearing decent heels, like my wife when I wear four-inch loafers around the house/office daily when the kids are at school, but kids are very cruel and I can imagine my two being taunted with such comments as 'Your dad's a perv', 'Who wears women's shoes, then?' etc. if I wear these outside. Like all these things, though, I think slowly does it, and I don't want to cause offence, however much *I* might believe in my personal right to wear what I want.

[Francis]

with regards to Firefox's posting, he is correct cos like Max Boyce "I know, cos I was there" Highluc is also correct in his appraisal, however he maybe went a little deeper into the negative aspect of their thoughts, but part of his posting is true. If your parents already have an idea then it will be easier to broach the subject. Try it, you may be surprised! My family was military and all of us that have that background will have had the same initial response from their parents. Horror! But as Highluc said, if the know already then why discuss it or at least show them if you do. Putting it off will only drive you nuts!

[Firefox]

To Tacchi: Well they might say that, but one day someone's going to pipe up with "So what, my dad wears those too." End of dialogue. Until the first dad takes the plunge, all the dads will be wearing them in the house. People are like sheep, but someone's got to jump over the gate first. I appreciate your dilema though. A year ago I went to a wedding back in my home town of what used to be our next door neighbours girl. My mum actually said please don't wear your boots, I've got to live with these people, I'll lose my friends etc, etc. Of course some of these people I haven't seen for 15 years or so, and they didn't know I wore heels. I thought, shall I humour her or shall I just do it? Of course I did it, and quite a few people complimented me on the boots. I danced with all the girls at the evening do and had a great time talking to everyone. I've renewed several contacts since that day, and rather than lose any friends my mum has got more. I don't think it was anything to do with the boots. People were just pleased to see me and I likewise, but it shows they did not have any negative effect. The boots I wore were 4" with 1" square heels with a dark grey suit and black shirt (no tie). It was in no way fetish wear, but blended in very well with the rest of the guests male and female. _________________ Believe in your right to wear what you want <font size=-1>[ This Message was edited by: Firefox on 2002-02-28 19:14 ]</font>

[Arctic]

How do you tell family and friends... Well my partens and other relatives on is easy: I don't have to as they are on 3 hours flying distance from here. My wife: I just told her and she freaked out, tried to force me to throw them all away. No progress in a year's time. My friends: I did an experiment just 2 h ago: I wore 8.5 cm or 3 1/2" heel Bronx knee boots (black leather) when going for a burger with a friend, and when we were about to go home he asked "what was it what you had to confess?" - more than an hour was not enough for him to notice those boots. He said it's no big deal, as he knows me. He called his wife, and she said the same thing. With some other friends I wore them when going for a beer, and they didn't mention anything about it, or in the end they might not have seen them at all. Hard to believe, I can spot a 5 cm or 2" heel from 300 yards with my eyes half closed, but on the other hand a few inches of elevation doesn't ring a bell with some people.... So reactions are mixed. Some (most) accept it quickly, others can't ever digest it.

[Charlie]

I made no global announcement. I simply started wearing them! Haven't looked back since! Charlie

[terayon]

i think it will be really great if my mom is cool with me wanting to wear heels....she loves shoes, and has well over 100 pairs herself....and often spends hundreds or thousands of dollars shoe shopping at holt renfrew and other stupid stores(i think most of her shoes are ugly though and always say she is wasting her money)...but like most teenagers, me and her dont have many things in common...this could be great if we both shared a same interest..do any of you guys go shopping with your gf/wife/parents together?

[terayon]

newp...not yet...her boyfriend is over...i dont want him to know