Maryanne Posted October 3, 2002 Posted October 3, 2002 Anyone who thinks that doctors are a sensible, level-headed bunch should take a look at this. The amusing thing is that this comes from what is usually quite a stoic journal. The name of the article is "Can superstitious behaviour reduce work stress?" It's in this month's issue of BMJ. The website won't let me hotlink to the article, but try going to http://bmj.com/ and do a search for it, it makes for very amusing reading.
Dr. Shoe Posted October 4, 2002 Posted October 4, 2002 Are you a real man? Try this survey. (Paraphrased from the "daily Sport" 2-10-02) 1. A alien gives you a small but highly sophisticated gadget to totally eradicate all disease, poverty and oppression. Do you: A. Hand it over to the government? B. Pass it on to the UN? C. Dismatle it to see how it works then leave the bits all over the living room floor? 2. Your wife's favourite film is: A. Titanic? B. Dirty dancing/ Ghost? C. Who cares? 3. You buy your wife flowers, does she: A. Appreciate them? B. Suspect that you're up to no good? C. Nothing. It never happens? 4. You have been dating Kylie for 3 years and it is the anniversary of your first date. Do you: A. Suggest an evening out? B. Suggest an evening in and an early night? C. Send her down the offie (liquor store) as the game's on in half an hour? 5. You're going to a party, do you: A. Go by cab? B. Take the car but agree to drink softies only? C. Take the car but make her drive home? 6. It is your wedding anniversary, do you: A. Buy her an expensive gift and take her out to dinner? B. Buy her a dozen roses and a box of her favourite chocolates? C. What anniversary? 7. After making love, do you? A. Tell her how much you love her? B. Compliment her on her performance? C. Go home to your wife? 8. The perfect evening is: A. An evening in, just you and her? B. An intimate evening in a romantic restaurant followed by a show? C. A night out with the lads? 9. You are driving through a strange town, do you? A. Ask her to navigate? B. Ask for directions? C. Drive around and never ask for directions? 10. A household appliance goes wrong, do you? A. Take it back to the store for repair? B. call out a technician? C. Try and fix it yourself and render it beyond repair? How did you score? Any less than 10 Cs and you're growing tits mate! I must say that I got about 8 C's and Ruth still loves me, amazing or what!!? :rofl: Graduate footwear designer able to advise and assist on modification and shoe making projects.
Robert Posted January 27, 2003 Posted January 27, 2003 I saw this press-cutting without the name of the newspaper and a date on it. Male or female Recently, a group of male scientists announced that computers, like ships, should be referred to as female. This is why : 1. No one but the Creator understands their internal logic. 2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else. 3. The message 'Bad command or file name' is about as informative as 'If you don't know why I'm mad at you, then I'm certainly not going to tell you'. 4. Even your smallest mistakes are stored in long-term memory for later retrieval. 5. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it. However, another group of computer scientists (all female) think that computers should be referred to as if they were male. 1. They have a lot of data, but are still clueless. 2. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they are the problem. 3. As soon as you commit to one you realize that, if you had waited a little longer, you could have obtained a better model. 4. In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on. 5. Big power surges knock them out for the rest of the night. Boots, fascinating footwear http://s70.photobucket.com/albums/i103/Boots_1956/
Dr. Shoe Posted January 28, 2003 Posted January 28, 2003 I saw a similar thing about why ships are always "female". If I can remember: She's expensive to maintain and run. They take ages to stop and when they get to a harbour they head straight for the bouys! Graduate footwear designer able to advise and assist on modification and shoe making projects.
Calv Posted February 27, 2003 Posted February 27, 2003 From the idiot's lantern (television) Lot of thinkers in a room = think tank Lot of sceptics in a room = sceptic tank ? Xa on Calv's machine Do your own thing. Don't be a victim of conformity. Calv
Dr. Shoe Posted February 27, 2003 Posted February 27, 2003 Seen on the local news. "...he cut down a tree with a kestrel nest." Graduate footwear designer able to advise and assist on modification and shoe making projects.
Francis Posted February 27, 2003 Posted February 27, 2003 sounds a bit like a Monty Python line chop down the mightiest tree with ... a herring
hoverfly Posted February 27, 2003 Posted February 27, 2003 Subject: it's all about perspective > > > > > > > > > THOUGHT FOR THE DAY > > > > > > > > > Life at work is like a tree full of monkeys, all on different limbs at different levels. Some monkeys are climbing up, some down. The monkeys on top look down and see a tree full of smiling faces. > > > The monkeys on the bottom look up and see nothing but ass holes. Hello,  my name is Hoverfly. I’m a high heel addict…. Weeeeeeeeeee!  👠1998 to 2022!
Dr. Shoe Posted February 28, 2003 Posted February 28, 2003 This made me smile: You just have to accept that sometimes you're the pigeon, sometimes you're the statue. Graduate footwear designer able to advise and assist on modification and shoe making projects.
hoverfly Posted March 4, 2003 Posted March 4, 2003 Here is another one... Subject: A funny > >Sometimes it DOES take a Rocket Scientist!! (true story) > > > > > > > >Scientists at NASA built a gun specifically to launch standard 4 pound > > > >dead chickens at the windshields of airliners, military jets and the > > > >space shuttle, all traveling at maximum velocity. The idea is to simulate > >the frequent > > > >incidents of collisions with airborne fowl to test the strength of the > > > >windshields. > > > > > > > >British engineers heard about the gun and were eager to test it on the > > > >windshields of their new high speed trains. Arrangements were made, and > >a > > > >gun was sent to the British engineers. > > > > > > > >When the gun was fired, the engineers stood shocked as the chicken hurled > > > >out of the barrel, crashed into the shatterproof shield, smashed it to > > > >smithereens, blasted through the control console, snapped the engineer's > > > >back-rest in two and embedded itself in the back wall of the cabin, like > > > >an arrow shot from a bow.> > > > > > > > >The horrified Brits sent NASA the disastrous results of the experiment, > > > >along with the designs of the windshield and begged the US scientists for > > > >suggestions.> > > > > > > > >You're going to love this......> > > > > > > > >NASA responded with a one-line memo: "Defrost the chicken." > Hello,  my name is Hoverfly. I’m a high heel addict…. Weeeeeeeeeee!  👠1998 to 2022!
Yamyam Posted March 5, 2003 Posted March 5, 2003 When I heard this story, it was the French asking us Brits what went wrong... Funny that! Obsessed is such a strong word. I prefer to think of myself as "differently enthusiastic"
Dr. Shoe Posted March 6, 2003 Posted March 6, 2003 Here is another one... Subject: A funny > >Sometimes it DOES take a Rocket Scientist!! (true story) > > > > > > > >Scientists at NASA built a gun specifically to launch standard 4 pound > > > >dead chickens at the windshields of airliners, military jets and the > > > >space shuttle, all traveling at maximum velocity. The idea is to simulate > >the frequent > > > >incidents of collisions with airborne fowl to test the strength of the > > > >windshields. > > > > > > > >British engineers heard about the gun and were eager to test it on the > > > >windshields of their new high speed trains. Arrangements were made, and > >a > > > >gun was sent to the British engineers. > > > > > > > >When the gun was fired, the engineers stood shocked as the chicken hurled > > > >out of the barrel, crashed into the shatterproof shield, smashed it to > > > >smithereens, blasted through the control console, snapped the engineer's > > > >back-rest in two and embedded itself in the back wall of the cabin, like > > > >an arrow shot from a bow.> > > > > > > > >The horrified Brits sent NASA the disastrous results of the experiment, > > > >along with the designs of the windshield and begged the US scientists for > > > >suggestions.> > > > > > > > >You're going to love this......> > > > > > > > >NASA responded with a one-line memo: "Defrost the chicken." > This is similar: NASA said they wanted a special pen that works in zero gravity, upside down, in a vacuum and even under water. After three years of consultation and experiment the scientists came up with a pen according to specification at a cost of around $85 million. The Russians use a pencil. Graduate footwear designer able to advise and assist on modification and shoe making projects.
Dr. Shoe Posted March 6, 2003 Posted March 6, 2003 Here is another one... Subject: A funny > >Sometimes it DOES take a Rocket Scientist!! (true story) > > > > > > > >Scientists at NASA built a gun specifically to launch standard 4 pound > > > >dead chickens at the windshields of airliners, military jets and the > > > >space shuttle, all traveling at maximum velocity. The idea is to simulate > >the frequent > > > >incidents of collisions with airborne fowl to test the strength of the > > > >windshields. > > > > > > > >British engineers heard about the gun and were eager to test it on the > > > >windshields of their new high speed trains. Arrangements were made, and > >a > > > >gun was sent to the British engineers. > > > > > > > >When the gun was fired, the engineers stood shocked as the chicken hurled > > > >out of the barrel, crashed into the shatterproof shield, smashed it to > > > >smithereens, blasted through the control console, snapped the engineer's > > > >back-rest in two and embedded itself in the back wall of the cabin, like > > > >an arrow shot from a bow.> > > > > > > > >The horrified Brits sent NASA the disastrous results of the experiment, > > > >along with the designs of the windshield and begged the US scientists for > > > >suggestions.> > > > > > > > >You're going to love this......> > > > > > > > >NASA responded with a one-line memo: "Defrost the chicken." > Graduate footwear designer able to advise and assist on modification and shoe making projects.
hoverfly Posted March 7, 2003 Posted March 7, 2003 Subject: Interesting way to consider health > For those of you who watch what you eat... > >Here's the final word on nutrition and health. It's a relief to know the > >truth after all those conflicting medical studies. > >1. The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than the > >British or Americans. > >2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat and also suffer fewer heart attacks than > >the British or Americans. > >3. The Japanese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks > >than the British or Americans. > >4. The Italians drink excessive amounts of red wine and also suffer fewer > >heart attacks than the British or Americans. > >5. The Germans drink a lot of beer and eat lots of sausages and fats and > >suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans. > > > >CONCLUSION: Eat and drink what you like. Speaking English is apparently > >what kills you. Hello,  my name is Hoverfly. I’m a high heel addict…. Weeeeeeeeeee!  👠1998 to 2022!
Julietta Posted March 7, 2003 Posted March 7, 2003 Que? Let calm be widespread May the sea glisten like greenstone And the shimmer of summer Dance across your pathway "Communication is a two way thing"
jim Posted March 8, 2003 Posted March 8, 2003 "Procrastination is just like masturbation. At first it feels good, but in the end... You're just f**king yourself!" Joseph Turek
xaphod Posted March 8, 2003 Author Posted March 8, 2003 Everyone in an office can be compared to a children's book character. Here are a few: Gollum (The Hobbit) .... inhabits dark corners in accounts, grumbling, asking impossible questions. The White Witch (The Lion, the Witch, and the Wardrobe) .... a woman who fought her way up when the system was much tougher on females and developed an icy carpace. Great clothes, no sense of humour. Aslan (The Chronicles of Narnia) .... the good boss, rarely reaches the pinnacle of management because he/she is not a backstabber. Everyone turns to them for advice because they are the only true competent in the place. The Famous Five (any one) .... graduate trainee, hideously enthusiastic. Cycles to work, brings tomato sandwiches and ginger beer to consume at desk. Willy Wonka .... crazed personnel officer who latches on to every employment fad and inflicts endless personality tests. Shoemakers' elves .... IT people. Perform miracles and only exist when something goes wrong ! The Temp, by Serena Mackesy (Arrow Books)
xaphod Posted June 3, 2003 Author Posted June 3, 2003 Dimwits of the week From the Sunday Times...... German Shepherds are Britain's unluckiest breed of dog, a survey has shown. A telephone poll of 500 owners showed that german shepherds were more likely to swallow toys or get their heads stuck in cat flaps. The survey, for Our Dogs magazine, uncovered one bull terrier who swallowed a bottle cap, cling film, a toy car and some wire. After an operation to remove the objects, the dog was put on a drip. It then ate the drip ! Xa
Julietta Posted June 3, 2003 Posted June 3, 2003 Yeah know about that as I had a Belgium Shepherd (basically a black, short haired version of a German Shepherd) and he had a taste for stones which ended up in a costly op to have one rather large one removed as it blocked his intestine. I now have a Yorkshire Terrier pup who loves to eat tissues but at least they pass through and wipe his bottom on the way out Let calm be widespread May the sea glisten like greenstone And the shimmer of summer Dance across your pathway "Communication is a two way thing"
Bubba136 Posted June 3, 2003 Posted June 3, 2003 Too bad he doesn't like sandwich bags. What passes through would already be bagged for the trash bin. :rofl: Being mentally comfortable in your own mind is the key to wearing heels in public.
Julietta Posted June 5, 2003 Posted June 5, 2003 Could be worth a try :rofl: Let calm be widespread May the sea glisten like greenstone And the shimmer of summer Dance across your pathway "Communication is a two way thing"
xaphod Posted June 5, 2003 Author Posted June 5, 2003 From the 'Daily Mail .... one line philosophers' Manslaughter is a terrible thing; woman's laughter is even worse. Peter A. Jordan, Gillingham, Kent. Xa
Julietta Posted June 10, 2003 Posted June 10, 2003 Charming! Now there's a thread killer if I ever saw one Xa :rofl: Let calm be widespread May the sea glisten like greenstone And the shimmer of summer Dance across your pathway "Communication is a two way thing"
Bubba136 Posted June 10, 2003 Posted June 10, 2003 I guess it could be if a woman's laughter is immediately after a manslaughter :rofl: Being mentally comfortable in your own mind is the key to wearing heels in public.
texasbumpkin Posted June 10, 2003 Posted June 10, 2003 I just think that this is funny If con is the opposite of pro......Is Congress the opposite of progress.
Julietta Posted June 11, 2003 Posted June 11, 2003 I guess it could be if a woman's laughter is immediately after a manslaughter Now you are talking :rofl: I have my ex in mind here Let calm be widespread May the sea glisten like greenstone And the shimmer of summer Dance across your pathway "Communication is a two way thing"
jim Posted June 16, 2003 Posted June 16, 2003 Winston's come backs.. Lady Astor to Churchill: "Winston, if you were my husband I would flavour your coffee with poison" Churchill: "Madam, if I were your husband, I should drink it" Bessie Braddock to Churchill: "Winston, your drunk!" Churchill: "Bessie, your ugly, and tomorrow morning I shall be sober" ...ouch!
Julietta Posted June 16, 2003 Posted June 16, 2003 :rofl: Excellent Jim x Let calm be widespread May the sea glisten like greenstone And the shimmer of summer Dance across your pathway "Communication is a two way thing"
xaphod Posted October 8, 2003 Author Posted October 8, 2003 Tidying up, I came across a scrap of paper with this one ... She's got a lot of problems at present .... she's having a hysterectomy and she's having a bathroom suite fitted. can't remember where I found it, but it certainly needs repeating before the paper is used to light the fire. Xa
Dr. Shoe Posted October 9, 2003 Posted October 9, 2003 Talking of witty comebacks: Oscar Wilde was receiving flowers in a line-up when on of the people gave him a rotten cabbage. He said:"Thankyou, whenever I smell it I'll think of you!" Graduate footwear designer able to advise and assist on modification and shoe making projects.
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