Married Men-How do you explain to your wife heel wearing is not a homosexual behavior

[joeshoething]

To all the married men out there: A couple of years ago, my wife found my heels, and was very concerned. We had our issues, and ended up throwing out the heels. After talking about it for a while (3-6 months) she came home from shopping with a surprise for me. A gougeous pair of gold Guess sling back heels (much like my avatar). I have been able to wear them twice, and now it causes issues. I have since tried to explain to my wife on a few occasions how my liking to wear heels does not make me a cross-dresser. I just like the feeling of heels. I like the arch it positions my foot in. I like the extra height it gives me, I like the way it makes my legs feel, and I like the way I feel inside. I have made references to the style changes of the past ie. women now wearing jeans and sneakers, cutting their hair short, men having pierced ears, and so on. And she still doesn't see my point. What can I do to save my marriage?

[crotchboots-m]

thats a hard one to deal with. my wife doesnt like my boot and leather fetish either. we sort of deal with on an adhoc basis...i dont wear them around her and dont parade around people she knows. sort of a dont ask dont tell deal. you can explain till you are blue in the face and produce tons of documents and if they dont want to believe you...well,you see my point. if she is convinced its a threat then you had better pull back or risk a blow up. then you have to decide on who/what to ditch...anyhow,good luck.

[PatentHeel]

joeshoething, I have just read your post to my wife, who is well aware of my heel fetish. She asked me to reply to your thread with the following:

"As long as your treating your wife with respect, and your heeling is done in the privacy of your own home and its not done in front of children or her then she should be willing to accept it because it's not causing any harm to anyone. She should understand that you have been honest and upfront about it too. If she can't accept it then the marriage is not going to work."

She also says "There are worse things an husband could be into!"

[Bootking]

Very well said!

[PatentHeel]

Bear in mind that is my wife's opinion only of course, but it is the reason why she has accepted my heel fetish.

[Elegant]

Tell your wife to call any woman who wears ties, suits or "masculine" oxfords a lesbian. If she refuses - talk about double standards and her hypocrisy. If she actually does like you tell her, she'll probably be told off by that other woman and called close-minded etc. She'll learn anyway... Hey, I think I'm getting nasty and cynical.

[johnieheel]

joeshoething, I have just read your post to my wife, who is well aware of my heel fetish. She asked me to reply to your thread with the following:

"As long as your treating your wife with respect, and your heeling is done in the privacy of your own home and its not done in front of children or her then she should be willing to accept it because it's not causing any harm to anyone. She should understand that you have been honest and upfront about it too. If she can't accept it then the marriage is not going to work."

She also says "There are worse things an husband could be into!"

Sorry but I disagree. It's only shoes and should be worn any where, any time, in front of any body including children. I raised my children, as so did many others I know, to be open minded and to explain to there children that we are all different and unique or special in our own way and if wearing high heels makes us what we are, then do not by any means try to change it. You will never be totally happy trying to be someone your not.

[Guest]

now, I think that I've told you all I AM the "exeption to the rule" kind of thing in that I am single AND by the way, GAY- so I dont have any "S/O" in my life (well not yet anyways) but I do see your point all too well, in that the mental block kind of thing in regards to the male heeling/gay perception that a lot of people just dont seem to have the ability to overlook,you need to understand that it is really part of the "social mentality" (almost like programming in a way) that seems (to me @ least) after thinking about this thing for awile like it could actually be passed on somehow in the genes thru mental connections in the brain between mother & child so that the off-spring is more "suggestive" to these kinds of ideas when heard from the adults (I know, its probably wild guess on my part, but hey you never do know, stuff like this seems to be found out all the time) this is really just a "theory" if you will on the matter, the result of much thinking on my part (youd be suprised how much a person will really think about this stuff on their own time when alone)

[PatentHeel]

Patentheel's wife says:

"Johnieheel part of you is right it is just a shoe and I agree there is a lot of double standards nowadays, but my children have a right to be protected from narrow-minded individuals who would make their lives intolerable both in and out of school.

Whilst accepting my husbands heel fetish, I have no desires to see him dressed up as I married a man not a woman. I would also object to him wearing heels outside because it would impact on our lives (friends, family etc).

I know my husband as no desires to go outside at all, but if he ever did then I would not be happy with it until such time as the children become adults and can make adult decisions. This way the children will be protected.

I wonder if Joeshoething's wife shares the same concerns?

I consider myself very broad minded and very accepting to my husbands needs, but also care very much for my children and their stability.

Finally, bear in mind this just one woman's point of view on a man wearing womans things."

PatentHeel's wife

[johnieheel]

Patentheel's wife says:

"Johnieheel part of you is right it is just a shoe and I agree there is a lot of double standards nowadays, but my children have a right to be protected from narrow-minded individuals who would make their lives intolerable both in and out of school.

By doing this, you are teaching your children to be narrow minded.

[johnieheel]

Patentheel's wife says:

Whilst accepting my husbands heel fetish, I have no desires to see him dressed up as I married a man not a woman. I would also object to him wearing heels outside because it would impact on our lives (friends, family etc).

I know my husband as no desires to go outside at all, but if he ever did then I would not be happy with it until such time as the children become adults and can make adult decisions. This way the children will be protected.

To Patentheels wife:

My wife married a man also, a man who wears shoes with heels and except for one red neck exception, which doesn't matter any more, all our friends and family know and except me for who I am and not what I wear. If you wait for your children to become adults to find out that we are all different in our own special and unique way, I assure you that they will have much more conflict in there life's then if you raise them with an open mind as children. My wife will not step out the door in heels unless I'm wearing mine . She feels the same way I do. If you can't except me for who I am and not what I wear, than its your loss, not ours.

[PatentHeel]

By doing this, you are teaching your children to be narrow minded.

"You say I'm being narrow minded but until my children are old enough to make decisions by themselves and deal with the consequences then I will do my up most to protect them.

Unfortunately not everybody is as open minded and accepting as I am and the fact that I do accept my husbands needs proves that I'm not narrow minded.

I wouldn't want my children to see my husband wearing heels because if they commented to their friends about it then it would no doubt severely affect their upbringing.

If I was out with my children and we saw a man wearing heels, if they asked me why he was wearing them, I'd give them an honest answer. I certainly wouldn't make comments which would prejudice their thoughts.

They are allowed to make there own judgements in life though a secure and happy family upbringing, with honest answers to all questions (age related)."

Patentheel's Wife

[johnieheel]

[PatentHeel]

Explain please. To me it sounds like when your man puts on a pair of shoes with heels, he is less a man.

"My husband was born a male, so he is a man. His fetish for what he likes to wear makes him no less a man in my eyes. He's more of a man for being brave enough and having faith in me as a person and in our relationship to be totally honest with me.

It depends on what type of heels you are referring to. My husband likes to wear heels which I would consider 'womens' styles and I don't particularly wish to see him dressed in these because they are womens shoes.

I have no problems in accepting his fetish for heels and I fully understand his strong desire to do this. My love for him and the fact that none of this threatens our family life or relationship makes this 100% possible.

I hope this explains things a bit clearer.

Basically, the style of heel he likes to wear would mean he'd be noticed straight away in public and that would threaten our family life.

He his happy to do this in private, I have no problem with that."

Patentheel's Wife

[mikeheel]

"

If I was out with my children and we saw a man wearing heels, if they asked me why he was wearing them, I'd give them an honest answer. I certainly wouldn't make comments which would prejudice their thoughts.

I wonder what you had in mind to say?

The other week I visited someone in hospital and a couple of boys aged about 8 or 10 saw me in jeans and boots with 4" heels.( not showing that much) They went running off shouting "hey...come and look...it's a man in heels" I just walked on as normal.

Funny but children, being smaller, get used to looking at feet and shoes from an early age as 'they are down there'. They get very used to what is normal for men/women to wear and take an interest as they grow.

I wear heels SOMTIMES around town/shopping or to visit friends with my children (2 girls aged 11 and 14 and they think I'am pretty cool) and it is not a problem. I would not turn up at their school with stripper shoes and leggings but then neither would their mother !!

regards

M

[raymond.nl]

I wear heels SOMTIMES around town/shopping or to visit friends with my children (2 girls aged 11 and 14 and they think I'am pretty cool) and it is not a problem.

In my case the girls are 4 and 5 which makes them young and wise enough not to mind my heels. I've worn heels (boots; 3" heel) into their classroom and everyone's cool with it (though most simply don't notice).

HOWEVER, if I had the idea that my girls would suffer because of me wearing heels, I would simply not wear heels to school. I'd also probably move to a more tolerable part of the country...

[SandalFan]

I consider myself very broad minded and very accepting to my husbands needs, but also care very much for my children and their stability.

Chalk up yet another reason why I am so incredibly thankful that my wife and I chose not to have kids. Our 14th anniversary was 3 days ago, and it's still just the two of us. In fact, that particular conversation lasted all of about 5 seconds...

Me: "Kids?"

Her: "Hate 'em. You?"

Me: "Ditto!"

:: cue loving, joyful embrace, ::

And my Mother said I'd never find a woman who didn't want kids... Pfft! lol

Ah... bliss...

As for my wife, she didn't find out about my fetish until a couple of years after we were married, when she discovered the tag off of a shoe box that I thought I had discarded. We had long, heartfelt discussions about my fetish over the course of a few months after that, including a few sessions of marriage counseling. More than anything, she was terrified that my fetish would eventually grow to a point where I was going to want a sex change and wind up leaving her. Time has helped me prove to her that that will absolutely never happen. I'm very proud to be a man - I just enjoy wearing heels on occasion.

Her other concern was that, when she asked me to model the shoes for her, she found that she thought I looked surprisingly sexy in them. She did not know how to deal with that, so she sought her own counseling soon after we finished marriage counseling.

I now own several pairs of heels, and she loves them all, especially on me.

[heelsfeel]

Hello, I don"t how to tell your folks. All my gf know, my daughter no. I would like to enter the room with my heels on. Any suggestions

[fastfreddy2]

Explain please. To me it sounds like when your man puts on a pair of shoes with heels, he is less a man.

The perception is that he's less of a man.

You can intellectualise it not being the case all you like, but unless you have control over the life history of everyone you'll ever meet, you are inevitably going to meet a lot of prejudice. Mrs Patentheel is wisely (IMO) taking the precaution of shielding her family from the harm that prejudice can inflict.

Even adults are not often able to tolerate verbal abuse, though being an (experienced) adult provide the best range of tools for the job. Mrs Patentheel is waiting for her children to grow into people strong and wise enough to make their own decisions, before they have to make choices they may not (currently) be equipped to live with, in the aftermath of the choice they make.

There's plainly no need to rush.

PH will be wearing heels when the children are older.

...

[Guest]

I have already posted on my coming out of the "shoebox" Chris loves it. her only major problem is in public, it's an unknown 3rd party. we have been out in heels at night together but very cautiously as it is only 2 weeks since the box was opened. Her daughters 14 and 19 do not know yet but I demo'd a pair of boots to the younger (she also knows about my 1970s platforms " they're cool"), she just sheepishly smiled and shrugged. she had just received a pair of boots I just bought for Chris that didn't fit, the word play was regarding height. The elder and her boyfriend (22) may find it more difficult to accept due to their sexuality age so lots of time will be given there. Time and patience is a virtue and accepting certain rules will help maintain a worthwhile relationship. I know I'm lucky, I wish society could reflect it

[PatentHeel]

I wonder what you had in mind to say?

"If my daughters asked why the man was wearing womens shoes, I would tell them the truth and say 'because they want to wear them, they find them comfortable and it's up to them if they want to'.

I would explain to them that the man likes wearing them in the same way as they like wearing their trainers and football kits."

Patentheel's wife

[Dawn HH]

It appears by the posts in this thread that one family will approach the matter in one way and another family will approach it in a totally different way. It then depends on the parameters set forth by each family on how they are raising their children to be free and level- headed thinkers on various subjects, this being men wearing heels in private or public viewing. We are not going to be able to solve this delemma by using just one set of standards, but many. Cheers--- Dawn HH

[johnieheel]

"

He his happy to do this in private, I have no problem with that."

Patentheel's Wife

I mean no disrespect Mrs. patentheel. I just see things a little differently. I wore heels around my kids and there friends all there life's and still do and nobody has been cast into outer space because of it. I admit I have recently had a situation with my daughters older sister and her red neck hubby that I'm tired of talking about but other than that everybody excepts me for who I am and not what I have on my feet. All the people I know do not treat me any different than if I wore mens ugly shoes or work boots. I guess I'm an exception to the shoe gender rule.

You are a good wife to except your husbands needs the way you do. There are a lot of men who wish they had a wife like you. I respect that very much. TU.

[PatentHeel]

I mean no disrespect Mrs. patentheel. I just see things a little differently. I wore heels around my kids and there friends all there life's and still do and nobody has been cast into outer space because of it. I admit I have recently had a situation with my daughters older sister and her red neck hubby that I'm tired of talking about but other than that everybody excepts me for who I am and not what I have on my feet. All the people I know do not treat me any different than if I wore mens ugly shoes or work boots. I guess I'm an exception to the shoe gender rule.

You are a good wife to except your husbands needs the way you do. There are a lot of men who wish they had a wife like you. I respect that very much. TU.

"Thanks for your kind comments.

To recap, I personally see no problem in men wanting to wear heels, in my opinion, it is no different than a woman wearing jeans or having short hair. If it isn't doing any harm then I say what is the problem?

Unfortunately in todays society not everybody is as open minded and accepting as myself hence why I will protect my children until such time as they can defend their own opinions and views.

By posting here, I hope that my comments may be able to help other couples."

Patentheel's wife

[William]

There would be so many ways to start talking to your wife. However, they all involve some risk. Worst case scenario is that she finds women's shoes hidden in her house and knows they're not hers! At that point, the issue is not the height of the heel, but the trustworthiness of her husband. Explaining that you're not gay is your unfortunate lot in life these days. She's having issues with trusting you. Only you can begin to ease her doubts. And, you would know more of the particulars than I. For my wife, it wasn't hard to bring up the shoes. I told her about a sexy Santa fantasy dream I had. Small hints along the way helped. I also told her of my lust for her in heels, taller the better. I also told her that if I were a woman, I'd be a high heel slut girl. She completely agreed, by the way. Because I've been in a counseling role over the course of my career, I've worked with both men and women that have inadvertantly developed crushes on me. She knows that men and women have thrown themselves at me. She also knows that while I've been tempted to explore and stray, I've always remained faithful to her. My friend, that relationship took more than a decade to get to that point. Hang in there!

[joeshoething]

Thank you everyone for all your advice. I'll let you all know how it works out. PatentHeel, I like your ne Avatar.

[chris100575]

It was hard with my ex wife, she never really came to terms with my heels as she said that she couldn't see me as masculine if I was wearing them. Even though for me it was high heeled boots with jeans and a T-shirt, she still didn't like it. In the end the best we could come up with was a kind of "don't ask don't tell" agreement whereby I would not wear them in front of her, and she wouldn't go digging around looking for them or asking difficult questions. It wasn't very satisfactory, I had to make do with either sneaking half an hour or so in them before she got home from work, or taking myself off upstairs to the spare room where my computer lived. In the end I started to resent her a bit because she was getting in the way of something I enjoyed and I didn't understand why it was such a problem for her. I guess it must have been hard for her too, knowing that I was still wearing heels even if she didn't have to see me doing it. I don't think the heels were much of a contributory factor to us splitting up, we were just not working out any more, but I don't think it helped. Even though I was pretty certain that she knew about my liking for heels, I think a large part of the problem was that she thought it was something I'd been hiding from her, so there was immediately a trust issue and I'd probably already made it something to be ashamed of by attempting to hide it. When I met my GF I told her on the first day we met, and she's been fine with it ever since. She takes an interest when I buy heels and has tried a few pairs on, but sadly we're not the same size so she can't really borrow them. The best thing of all though is that she treats me exactly the same no matter what I have on my feet. I don't know if she'd feel differently if I wanted to cross dress, but the heels don't bother her and she's never had any worries about my sexuality. At the end of the day being physically attracted to men is homosexual behaviour, not wearing heels. From what a couple of our gay members have said, they're in the minority too.

[heelshigh]

I was up front with my wife from the beginning of our relationship and as long as it's private - just between the two of us - everything is fine. Trying on heels in the shoe store is as far as either of us is willing to take it. Sometimes it is a boost to our sex life if I get turned on while dressed up. She knows I'm aroused and this in turn arouses her so we end up doing things we wouldn't have just sitting around watching the idiot box. I believe there are two reasons for our success at handling this: The quality of our relationship and the fact that she didn't catch me doing something behind her back. She knows I don't have a homosexual thought in my head. When I wear heels around the house her most common comment is wondering how I walk so well in them.

[mackman69]

im not married but i do have a real steady gf and at first she didnt like me wearing heels. it has taken her time to get used to me wearing them around her . i wear boots with chunky heels like the gogo styles . she even will piont boots to me that other women are wearing . i have some 6'' platforms i like wearing , she not into me wearing them around her that much. she does know i want to go to a park and walk around in my platforms some time.

[bluesman]

joeshoething, Like you, my wife discovered my secret about a year ago when she found a pair of thigh boots. Those were disposed of, and I showed her the rest of my collection, which consisted of a number of pairs of block heeled boots which I had been wearing quite a bit for street-heeling while on business travels. We had many discussions, starting from the 'are you gay?' phase to a point where she seemed to at least tolerate my regular boots being in my closet. I even wore them out to work in front of her several times. I don't think she ever got her mind around why I did it and I believe she still had issues with it being 'not normal' - her words - but the biggest issue was the lost trust. I spent the past year working on earning that trust back, while also showing her that just because I like to wear women's boots I'm just a normal person with a different fashion sense. In fact, having to no longer hide this was a great weight lifted off of me and I was happier than ever. Anyway, after a year passed I thought we'd reached an understanding, but then I messed up: a couple weeks ago she found a pair of fetish-type boots I'd neglected to dispose of, and now they ALL have to go (see my post in the For Sale forum). I still hold out hope for a compromise once some time passes, since she continues to joke with me about all this. In another interesting parallel to your situation, you mention that your wife even bought you a pair of heels after finding yours. Years ago in our relationship I used to chide my wife for not wearing heels more, and she'd respond by saying how they weren't all that comfortable and how men wouldn't wear them. I used that as an opening, bought myself a pair of 5" pumps, and wrapped them up for her to 'give' me. She did, and there would be occasions when she'd have me put them on and wear them around the house. So her total surprise years later at my heeling obsession seems a little disingenious. How is your wife reconciling having bought you some heels but then still having a problem with it? We both seem to be getting mixed signals, eh? Bottom line in my situation was the trust issue; we got past the sexual-orientation question pretty quickly, but hiding something for 17 years of our relationship has been the deal-breaker. Sounds like the same thing in your situation. Work to restore the trust first, do what you have to do in the near term to relieve her fears, and maybe through all this gently try to persuade her this isn't abnormal, just different. Good luck to you. (sorry to hijack your thread with my issues, but the parallels and timing of our two situations was too compelling to pass up!)