Busted

[plats]

Hi all ! This is my first post here ! ive been wearing heels now for around sixteen years now and ive quite a good collection, however for the past two years ive been living with my girlfriend and its a serious relationship , so most of my collection has remained hidden However last week , she stumbled across my collection and she has now hit the roof and wants me to get rid of the lot I really love her but i love wearing my hees too !! What should i do ?????

[AndrewH]

Putting aside the fact that you should have been up front a lot earlier in your relationship (from her point of view you've been deceiving her for 2 years), all you can do is talk to her about it - and see if she will compromise. This may take a lot of patience on your part. You will probably have to reassure her you love her - and find out what makes her feel loved (is it presents, your attention, cuddling, telling her you love her, etc) and do that for her because you love her, not because you may get to keep your heels. If she won't compromise, you will have to choose between the heels and her - but please don't agree to get rid of them and then start in secret again, else you really will be deceiving her (before, you hadn't told her that you DIDN'T wear heels!) Hope this helps

[Magickman]

The heels or the girl? Oh well. You can always get another girl. And next time, let her know sooner.

[Krapsparov]

Hi Plats

You probably have what everyone else has on this site.

You can call it a compulsion, an addiction, a fetish – it does not really matter in the long run because what you have is not going to go away.

There are some narrow-minded people on this planet that may say it’s an illness. Well if it is, it can’t be cured.

There have been experienced members on this site that have purged their collection only to start again within a matter of months.

I hate to say it, and I hope somebody else on this site can prove me wrong, but I think you are kidding yourself that you have any choice at all.

You can’t change who you are.

Talk it through with her. Try and maintain boundaries that she finds acceptable.

Personally, I would stay way from emotional blackmail by saying “If you love me, then you must love my shoes” because that just not fair to her.

Say you love her and you will respect her decision because ultimately, the decision is hers and not yours.

Jon

[Tljakes]

Hi Plats

You probably have what everyone else has on this site.

You can call it a compulsion, an addiction, a fetish – it does not really matter in the long run because what you have is not going to go away.

There are some narrow-minded people on this planet that may say it’s an illness. Well if it is, it can’t be cured.

There have been experienced members on this site that have purged their collection only to start again within a matter of months.

I hate to say it, and I hope somebody else on this site can prove me wrong, but I think you are kidding yourself that you have any choice at all.

You can’t change who you are.

Talk it through with her. Try and maintain boundaries that she finds acceptable.

Personally, I would stay way from emotional blackmail by saying “If you love me, then you must love my shoes” because that just not fair to her.

Say you love her and you will respect her decision because ultimately, the decision is hers and not yours.

Jon

Well I agree on mostly everything you said. But due to the fact that this isn't something that's going to disappear out of your life, you can't get rid of it (don't care how much you love her) and think you would never long to wear another high heel EVER again. That just won't happen. She will need to accept that it's a part of you that will be there till the day you die. If she tells you to choose between her and your heels, she is not the right person to spend your life with. People that really love each other can find common ground with compromises from both sides and not just the one.

Tough choice though as you can't live without women or high heels.......

[johnieheel]

I ,like alot of others on this sitehave been in this same situaition and the results are allways the same. You can get rid of the shoes but you will be geting rid of what is a very important part of YOU. You will not be completly happy as you probably haven't been anyway having to hide it, So bottom line is if she doesn't understand that this is a part of you that makes you whole and happy and complete than there are alot of women out there, and I would venture to say most from my experience, that will take you as you are and enjoy your passion for heels.This might help some to explain. http://passionsforfootwear.com/advice2.htm

[asdf174]

I don't know. If I was really in love I would give up heel wearing if she wanted me too.

[Krapsparov]

I don't know. If I was really in love I would give up heel wearing if she wanted me too.

$10 says you can't

[whynotheels]

I'll go my own way here and say that if YOU decide that YOU love her more than heels, YOU can stop the habit --it's a lot of work, but it is possible. I have it easy since it's so hard to find heels in my large size, but I've been "clean" for about two years now. I tossed my old heels that didn't really fit right and have avoided looking for new ones. One thing to avoid at all cost: NEVER EVER think that you stopped heeling because of her. In your mind, you'll start to hate her for it. It has to be YOUR decision. And don't just trash the heels. Sell them on e-bay and buy her a nice diamond ring with the proceeds!

[asdf174]

$10 says you can't

Yeah I was thinking the same thing. LOL.

[Dawn HH]

Plats:-) The advise that Andrew H, Krapsparov, and Tljakes has given you is all valid and I quite agree with them. It's a tough row to hoe, I agree. I wish you luck in your endevors to come to a compromise with her as you really have deceived her for far too long. You should have let her in on this a lot sooner in my opinion. Cheers--- Dawn HH

[Skirted-UK]

Everything's is always so easy according to women, all you have to do is get rid of your heels and you will both life happily ever after. Well I am sorry but its unlikely to happen. The best that you can do is talk to her and explain the situation and try to come to a compromise. I you let her talk you into dumping your heels you will only be back to buying some more and wearing them in secret. If she won't except it, then its best to say goodbye to her now and avoid any future heartache.

[Guy N. Heels]

The heels or the girl?

Oh well. You can always get another girl.

And next time, let her know sooner.

Ditto! If the gal is laying down that kind of ultimatum then the relationship is probably wrecked anyway. If you try to explain at this late date that you enjoy high-heeled fashion, I doubt very seriously that she'll listen. Bottom line, change the girl!

[chris100575]

The only thing you can do in this situation is sit down with her once she's calmed down and discuss it with her. Assuming she can keep her cool, ask her why she feels this way. Answer any questions that she has. She might well be thinking all sorts of things including "is he gay?" "does this mean he's a transvestite?" "is he going to want a sex change?" and probably the biggest "what else is he keeping from me?". I've tried to quit wearing heels before, and as others have said, the shoes may go but the desire to wear them won't. This is a part of you, and if you just suppress it it'll only make you miserable or at worst, resent your girlfriend. The two of you need to work out some form of a compromise that you can both get along with if you're going to work this out. Good luck, let us know how you get on. Chris

[shrimper]

I don't know. If I was really in love I would give up heel wearing if she wanted me too.

I have been deeply in love more than once in my 60 years and my passion fro shoes has NEVER gone away. I don't know of anybody who has ever been "cured" of this though I know many who have tried.

If I were in this situation where no real commitments had been made (such as marriage) I would strongly consider backing off that relationship. There will be no acceptable (for you) compromise and you will always be hiding that part of you from the relationship (in effect cheating).

[Guy N. Heels]

I have been deeply in love more than once in my 60 years and my passion fro shoes has NEVER gone away. I don't know of anybody who has ever been "cured" of this though I know many who have tried.

If I were in this situation where no real commitments had been made (such as marriage) I would strongly consider backing off that relationship. There will be no acceptable (for you) compromise and you will always be hiding that part of you from the relationship (in effect cheating).

Hey Plats, after reviewing your original post I find where you said you are living with your GF. If you are living with the GF, how did you get the shoes into her house/apartment without her knowing?

On the other hand, if it is your GF who is really living with you, then she's outta line. Change the girl!

Also, the short version of Shrimper's post above is: Change the girl.

[ShockQueen]

Plats........ It's a tough fork in the road to make. In the end, you have to decide what you are more willing to let go of. I've seen others here go through the same thing, and basically you have to decide what will make you happier in the long run. Echoing the sentiment from others, if she has laid down a hard-line ultimatum, then it's not the right relationship, since she seems totally unwilling to bend at all, and it's taking away something you like to do. If she had a passion, you can be sure she'd be hard-pressed to give it up either. It's all about compromise, which there appears to be none here. If it were me in the same situation, I'd be heading for the door looking for someone else. She's not appreciating you for the person you are, but rather what is on the outside, and that just doesn't work - you have to love the person for the COMPLETE package......piecemeal doesn't cut it.

[johnieheel]

Once you give up the shoes, she is sure to find something else if she hasn't already. If you can't be yourself,then who can you be or who does she want you to be?

[asdf174]

I have been deeply in love more than once in my 60 years and my passion fro shoes has NEVER gone away. I don't know of anybody who has ever been "cured" of this though I know many who have tried.

If I were in this situation where no real commitments had been made (such as marriage) I would strongly consider backing off that relationship. There will be no acceptable (for you) compromise and you will always be hiding that part of you from the relationship (in effect cheating).

Yeah that is a good point. And I'm see what everyone is saying you gotta be who you are no doubt. But my thing is I've allways viewed relationships (serious relationships I should say) as a comprimise. Meaning that sometimes in order to make it work we have to be willing to change, sacrafice, or at least dont' do some things as much because your partner may be really uncomftorable with it. It dosen't mean your not being you. At least I don't think it does. And I'm not saying plats should throw away his shoes. Not saying that I would throw away my shoes in this situation. But I would first try to sit down and have a serious discussion about it. About why you do it. People's views on it, maybe even introduce her to this site to get more prespective, then after that if she is still really uncomfortable with it then comprimise, maybe cut down your collection and not do it as much, or get rid of your collection is she is willing to wear a sexy pair of heels everynowandthen on those special "bedroom" occasions or something. I'm just saying that from my own personal experience nowadays a gf can be a hard thing to come by. And if your really in love then isn't it wroth it? This all of course with a serious relationship. If it was someone I just met and only had gone on a few dates with I would be more likely to just say oh well. But thats just what I think. I don't know...

[JSpikeheels]

Yeah that is a good point. And I'm see what everyone is saying you gotta be who you are no doubt. But my thing is I've allways viewed relationships (serious relationships I should say) as a comprimise. Meaning that sometimes in order to make it work we have to be willing to change, sacrafice, or at least dont' do some things as much because your partner may be really uncomftorable with it. It dosen't mean your not being you. At least I don't think it does. And I'm not saying plats should throw away his shoes. Not saying that I would throw away my shoes in this situation. But I would first try to sit down and have a serious discussion about it. About why you do it. People's views on it, maybe even introduce her to this site to get more prespective, then after that if she is still really uncomfortable with it then comprimise, maybe cut down your collection and not do it as much, or get rid of your collection is she is willing to wear a sexy pair of heels everynowandthen on those special "bedroom" occasions or something. I'm just saying that from my own personal experience nowadays a gf can be a hard thing to come by. And if your really in love then isn't it wroth it? This all of course with a serious relationship. If it was someone I just met and only had gone on a few dates with I would be more likely to just say oh well. But thats just what I think. I don't know...

...you know, a lot of women simply won't tell you what she doesn't like about you wearing heels...my wife thinks all she has to say is "it makes me uncomfortable...I don't know why...it just does"

try getting around that argument!!!

JSpikeheels

[dressboots]

The bottom line is she feels you have deceived her. The ultimatum of getting rid of your heels was likely made in frustration and anger. When things calm down rational dialog may be able to take place. I agree with many posters that the urge will not go away based on outside pressure. No one is perfect. If you gf cannot find the good points in you to consider backing out of a relationship due to this issue there must be other things that bug her. Wearing heels is a very minor "evil" compared to what some women put up with from their men!

[MrsHeels]

OK Guys -

I have never posted here, but do read it quite a bit.......

Today however, I simply MUST post......

I am very concerned over the many, many posts giving advice to move on, find another girl, dump her, back out, walk out, etc.

OH MY GOD ! ! !

These two have been living together. This would tell me that a serious relationship has been started, one with real commitments! Like the commitment to be honest with eachother in ALL things. Especially things as BIG as the guy wearing heels!

The lies, I am sure have been several, the deception has lasted over years, please tell me why this is not the first place for them to begin???

I suggest he put all his heels in the closet and close the door.....Right now the most important thing is her feelings, which he has cut down deep. I am sure she feels very lost and confused right about now. Not to mention she probably has a few questions.

Amens needs to be made in the hurt he caused her. He has to find some way of reassuring her she can trust him again. Only if and when her hurt has passed and SHE believes she can trust him again, can he then approach her with his desire to wear heels.

He screwed up big time. He took something as precious as her heart and her trust and walked all over them in his heels!

I also believe there should be no compromise. I believe there is no way he can ever live happy and fulfilled without his heels. This may be why he kept it from her in the first place, as maybe, just maybe he can not live happy and fulfilled without her as well????

Once the hurt has passed and the trust can be rebuilt, then she needs to make the decision, not him. The choice now whether or not she can except this as a part of the guy she loves, will be her choice. If she makes an ultimatum, his heels or her, I feel he should tell her he can not live without either and can not make the choice. While I hope he would lay down his life to save her, he would not make a conscious choice to end his life, or his happiness, as he knows it, for anyone.

Priorities, Priorities, Priorities.....They go both ways, but not when one has been deeply hurt, and lied to.......Fix where he has caused hurt,then move on to the other things.

I hope this couple can both remember why they love the other, remember all the many reason they fell in love in the first place, and can work from there.....I also hope this guy tries VERY HARD to resolve this and thus becomes a better man for having done so, and does not take the advice of those who can love so shallowly and simply walk away from true commitment......He made this commitment, how he has to honor it!

I shall carry them in the light, and hold them hope in my heart.

These are my feelings and thoughts, and were NOT intended to hurt anyone, and I do apologize if I have..

Katherine

[ShockQueen]

Granted yes, he should have told her about the collection right from the beginning....that part was his fault, but just going up and demanding he give up his collection and never wear them again I think is a touch unilateral on her part. What if it had been the other way around and he found out something she was doing that he didn't like, and did the same thing? Should she pull all her stuff back in the closet as well? She gave no room for discussion about it at all - it was her way or the highway - that's what I don't agree with.

[johnieheel]

OK Guys -

I have never posted here, but do read it quite a bit.......

Today however, I simply MUST post......

I am very concerned over the many, many posts giving advice to move on, find another girl, dump her, back out, walk out, etc.

OH MY GOD ! ! !

These two have been living together. This would tell me that a serious relationship has been started, one with real commitments! Like the commitment to be honest with eachother in ALL things. Especially things as BIG as the guy wearing heels!

The lies, I am sure have been several, the deception has lasted over years, please tell me why this is not the first place for them to begin???

I suggest he put all his heels in the closet and close the door.....Right now the most important thing is her feelings, which he has cut down deep. I am sure she feels very lost and confused right about now. Not to mention she probably has a few questions.

Amens needs to be made in the hurt he caused her. He has to find some way of reassuring her she can trust him again. Only if and when her hurt has passed and SHE believes she can trust him again, can he then approach her with his desire to wear heels.

He screwed up big time. He took something as precious as her heart and her trust and walked all over them in his heels!

I also believe there should be no compromise. I believe there is no way he can ever live happy and fulfilled without his heels. This may be why he kept it from her in the first place, as maybe, just maybe he can not live happy and fulfilled without her as well????

Once the hurt has passed and the trust can be rebuilt, then she needs to make the decision, not him. The choice now whether or not she can except this as a part of the guy she loves, will be her choice. If she makes an ultimatum, his heels or her, I feel he should tell her he can not live without either and can not make the choice. While I hope he would lay down his life to save her, he would not make a conscious choice to end his life, or his happiness, as he knows it, for anyone.

Priorities, Priorities, Priorities.....They go both ways, but not when one has been deeply hurt, and lied to.......Fix where he has caused hurt,then move on to the other things.

I hope this couple can both remember why they love the other, remember all the many reason they fell in love in the first place, and can work from there.....I also hope this guy tries VERY HARD to resolve this and thus becomes a better man for having done so, and does not take the advice of those who can love so shallowly and simply walk away from true commitment......He made this commitment, how he has to honor it!

I shall carry them in the light, and hold them hope in my heart.

These are my feelings and thoughts, and were NOT intended to hurt anyone, and I do apologize if I have..

Katherine

Maby if she wasn't so narrow minded, they wouldn't have a problem. Like I said in my last post, if it isn't the shoes, she'll probably find something else.

[ShockQueen]

Like I said in my last post, if it isn't the shoes, she'll probably find something else.

That is a good point. Who knows if this is the only thing, or the start of a list? I think it's all down to whether she'll accept him completely, or conditionally. That'll be the real acid test.

[Guy N. Heels]

OK Guys -

I have never posted here, but do read it quite a bit...

Today however, I simply MUST post...

I am very concerned over the many, many posts giving advice to move on, find another girl, dump her, back out, walk out, etc.

OH MY GOD ! ! !

These two have been living together. This would tell me that a serious relationship has been started, one with real commitments! Like the commitment to be honest with eachother in ALL things. Especially things as BIG as the guy wearing heels!

The lies, I am sure have been several, the deception has lasted over years, please tell me why this is not the first place for them to begin???

I suggest he put all his heels in the closet and close the door.....Right now the most important thing is her feelings, which he has cut down deep. I am sure she feels very lost and confused right about now. Not to mention she probably has a few questions.

Amens needs to be made in the hurt he caused her. He has to find some way of reassuring her she can trust him again. Only if and when her hurt has passed and SHE believes she can trust him again, can he then approach her with his desire to wear heels.

He screwed up big time. He took something as precious as her heart and her trust and walked all over them in his heels!

I also believe there should be no compromise. I believe there is no way he can ever live happy and fulfilled without his heels. This may be why he kept it from her in the first place, as maybe, just maybe he can not live happy and fulfilled without her as well????

Once the hurt has passed and the trust can be rebuilt, then she needs to make the decision, not him. The choice now whether or not she can except this as a part of the guy she loves, will be her choice. If she makes an ultimatum, his heels or her, I feel he should tell her he can not live without either and can not make the choice. While I hope he would lay down his life to save her, he would not make a conscious choice to end his life, or his happiness, as he knows it, for anyone.

Priorities, Priorities, Priorities... They go both ways, but not when one has been deeply hurt, and lied to... Fix where he has caused hurt,then move on to the other things.

I hope this couple can both remember why they love the other, remember all the many reason they fell in love in the first place, and can work from there... I also hope this guy tries VERY HARD to resolve this and thus becomes a better man for having done so, and does not take the advice of those who can love so shallowly and simply walk away from true commitment... He made this commitment, how he has to honor it!

I shall carry them in the light, and hold them hope in my heart.

These are my feelings and thoughts, and were NOT intended to hurt anyone, and I do apologize if I have..

Katherine

I have read your post with interest and I must say that many of your points are well taken. Furthermore, I will allow that Plats has probably not presented a complete picture here. For instance, I'm not at all certain as to exactly who is living with whom. So there are, no doubt, details that we simply don't have on hand at the moment.

I will also allow that deceit has played a major part in this whole unhappy episode. For whatever reason(s), Plats has been a good deal less than honest with the GF. Has he been equally dishonest with his post here? One can only guess.

After having said all of the above, however, I find the major sticking point to be with the ultimatum the GF has allegedly laid-down. This is especially so in light of a lack of commitment - i.e. a marriage, which is a binding commitment for the both of them. It is precisely the absence of such a binding commitment that makes an ultimatum such a dangerous matter. If either of these young people are harboring the mistaken notion that sex alone is sufficent to hold the relationship together, it is past time to smell the coffee. While love might be enough to hold them together, by resorting to the ultimatum they are sure to find out. Therefore, anyone who resorts to such a play for power must be prepared to face the consequences if it should backfire. Moreover, if the relationship is in fact as fragile as Plats leads us to believe, it is far better to address it now than wait till after marriage or some other thing to find this out.

I agree that amends are definitely in order and there's probably enough blame to go around for everyone. I most sincerely wish them well and hope that they can get things sorted-out. But the bottom line here is that there is hardly any point in trying to maintain a relationship that is so fragile that it is already in ICU. The girl can be replaced without excessive hardship; and in the long run it might prove to be the best for both of them.

[johnieheel]

I agree that he definatley should have been up front and did he go after her in the beggining for physical attraction thinking he could tell her later on in life about his passion for wearing heels. I believe this guy really messed up but if they really love each other, this could be a whole new beggining if she will except his passion for heels but he must also learn to give for what ever reason.

[chris100575]

Katherine made some good points though, more people were recommending giving up on her than discussing it and trying to work it out first. IMO the point when negotiations fail and she issues an ultimatum about the heels is the point to start thinking about making a choice like that. Chris

[MrsHeels]

Hi All -

What I meant by put his heels back into the closet, was not meant as permanent, but rather just to allow time for them to discuss the issues, without her having his heels starring her in the face. Also as a way of showing her respect. And yes, if she had done the same to him, I would have the same feelings, put the offending issue away, until time is given for discussion.

I do not agree a person whom you love can be replaced without excessive hardship. If the love is true, how can you replace that without excessive hardship? Commitment to me comes from the heart and soul, not a marriage license. Once this commitment is made, it should be felt and honored just as if there was a legal marriage.

I am concerned that we have not heard more from Plats? While I do enjoy the depth of our discussions, it makes me wonder why and what he truly started here? Perhaps they are deep into discussions and he has not had time to come back to the forum? Perhaps he is busy packing his things to move on? I sure hope he is not finding new homes for his heels.....

Be Well All

Katherine

[Guy N. Heels]

...I am concerned that we have not heard more from Plats? While I do enjoy the depth of our discussions, it makes me wonder why and what he truly started here? Perhaps they are deep into discussions and he has not had time to come back to the forum? Perhaps he is busy packing his things to move on? I sure hope he is not finding new homes for his heels... Be Well All

Katherine

I must agree that Plats has become somewhat conspicuous in his absence.