Heels And Parents.

[pruitt]

mom hate when i wear them but i wear them around her in the house all the time anyways just to show her

[FreshinHeels]

inspiring stories fellow heelers, keep it up!

[hhl4vr]

I agree very inspiring stories. For heel_are_me - hoping that your dinner with friends went well with telling them the news.

[Jinx]

When I was younger both mom and dad knew that I'm a cross dresser, thou they never saw me in my female attire. They accepted it but they sure didn't like it. We talked about it so many times I know what they thought about it. Even when I took a part in transgender examen to find out if I'm transsexual or just cross dresser, they never disapproved my choises. I remember my dad told me, tears in his eyes, that what ever I am, 'ordinary male', CD, TG, TS, I would always be his child he would love me as his own and carry on with me in my life. Later my dressing habbits faided away but love for shoes stayed. My dad never saw me in heels (which is quite funny that I never took the chance because he always approved me no matter what). Lately I've been wearing heels openly when my mom is around or I visit her place. She still don't like it but she accepts me as I am and that is what matters most to me.

[LiveAndLearn]

An update on me: Me and my mother were talking today, and we were talking about my makeup / nail polish wearing, and she said she accepts that which we understood years ago, however she said out of the blue "It's if you start wearing heels and female clothing I can't bare. I won't stop loving you, you have to be you, we would never kick you out, and I accept you for it, but I just can't bare the thought of it." I think she must know that I wear heels and stuff, and that was her way of saying to me that she accepts it I guess. I didn't say anythng back to her, which is stupid of me because it might have been the perfect oppertunity for me to say "well I wear them and im glad you accept me for it." But alas I didn't say anything, but I think we understand eachother.

[FreshinHeels]

When I was younger both mom and dad knew that I'm a cross dresser, thou they never saw me in my female attire. They accepted it but they sure didn't like it. We talked about it so many times I know what they thought about it. Even when I took a part in transgender examen to find out if I'm transsexual or just cross dresser, they never disapproved my choises. I remember my dad told me, tears in his eyes, that what ever I am, 'ordinary male', CD, TG, TS, I would always be his child he would love me as his own and carry on with me in my life.

Later my dressing habbits faided away but love for shoes stayed. My dad never saw me in heels (which is quite funny that I never took the chance because he always approved me no matter what). Lately I've been wearing heels openly when my mom is around or I visit her place. She still don't like it but she accepts me as I am and that is what matters most to me.

wow

An update on me:

" But alas I didn't say anything, but I think we understand eachother.

just keep talking though

[SleekHeels]

An update on me:

Me and my mother were talking today, and we were talking about my makeup / nail polish wearing, and she said she accepts that which we understood years ago, however she said out of the blue "It's if you start wearing heels and female clothing I can't bare. I won't stop loving you, you have to be you, we would never kick you out, and I accept you for it, but I just can't bare the thought of it."

I think she must know that I wear heels and stuff, and that was her way of saying to me that she accepts it I guess. I didn't say anythng back to her, which is stupid of me because it might have been the perfect oppertunity for me to say "well I wear them and im glad you accept me for it." But alas I didn't say anything, but I think we understand eachother.

If the subject came up again I'd be inclined to say something like "I know it's really difficult for you, but your acceptance really means the world to me, thank you". I mean, it's easy for someone to "tolerate" things they agree with, but true tolerance is accepting things they don't necessarily agree with.

[LiveAndLearn]

If the subject came up again I'd be inclined to say something like "I know it's really difficult for you, but your acceptance really means the world to me, thank you". I mean, it's easy for someone to "tolerate" things they agree with, but true tolerance is accepting things they don't necessarily agree with.

I would enjoy the conversation with her I think. I dont know if / when the topic will come up again soon but im glad it's been raised at least.

[Steve63130]

LiveAndLearn, You have a golden opportunity here. You have your mother's unconditional love. All you need to do is push the envelope VERY slowly. Start with conversation. Tell your mother how much that love and acceptance means to you. She'll be more relaxed. Begin to wear very conservative heels (low, block heels) in front of her occasionally. Let her get used to it, especially if you keep your clothes well coordinated, making it a good look. The more exposure you give her the more quickly she'll adapt. Keep the channels of communication open and keep talking to your mother often about your choice of clothing. Ask for her opinion on what you wear. Bond with your mom and give her every assurance your love for her won't waver, but you want your own space to do your own thing. She'll love you for it. And you can get away with more and more! Just watch her body language and don't push too fast or she'll be uncomfortable. Good luck. Steve

[Tom-NL]

Me and my mother were talking today, and we were talking about my makeup / nail polish wearing, and she said she accepts that which we understood years ago, however she said out of the blue "It's if you start wearing heels and female clothing I can't bare. I won't stop loving you, you have to be you, we would never kick you out, and I accept you for it, but I just can't bare the thought of it."

LiveAndLearn,

You have a golden opportunity here. You have your mother's unconditional love. All you need to do is push the envelope VERY slowly. Start with conversation. Tell your mother how much that love and acceptance means to you. She'll be more relaxed. Begin to wear very conservative heels (low, block heels) in front of her occasionally. Let her get used to it, especially if you keep your clothes well coordinated, making it a good look. The more exposure you give her the more quickly she'll adapt. Keep the channels of communication open and keep talking to your mother often about your choice of clothing. Ask for her opinion on what you wear. Bond with your mom and give her every assurance your love for her won't waver, but you want your own space to do your own thing. She'll love you for it. And you can get away with more and more! Just watch her body language and don't push too fast or she'll be uncomfortable. Good luck.

Steve

I don't agree completely with Steve's advice.

In LiveAndLearn's quoted post, his mother makes it very clear that she would be quite uncomfortable when he would start wearing heels. Now Steve advises LiveAndLearn to (i) tell his mother how much her love and acceptance means to him (good advise), and (ii) to start wearing very conservative heels in front of her occasionally (this is the part I don't agree with).

His mother tells him her feelings about it, he tells her he loves her, and then would do exactly what his mother expressed having difficulty with. It must seem contradictory and hence confusing to her.

I don't have a good solution to the situation, but I think this advice isn't the right thing to do.

But keeping the channels of communication open and keeping talking to your mother is very good advice, and maybe that opens the possibility to find out *why* your mother is having so much problems with you wearing heels, instead of guessing why. When you know the "why", then you can start to address her concerns and may be able to take them away.

[Steve63130]

Tom, Please let me explain better. My logic is that his mother has a vision of her son dressed in very feminine clothes and shoes and is repulsed by it. She hasn't considered any possibility that there is a middle ground of "conservative" heels, women's bootcut jeans, women's shirts, and underwear that LiveAndLearn (LAL) might wear and look great in as a guy. If she is exposed to this kind of outfit at first, and is accepting of what she sees, then LAL can push the envelope slowly from there. It's like getting a foot in the door, so to speak. If LAL were to suddenly come into his mother's presence all decked out in femme clothes and stilettos, that's his mother's expectation and it would definitely be the wrong thing to do. So I advocate a slow and steady approach that is considerate of his mother and yet allows him to wear clothes for the gender he prefers. I can relate to my own experience. When I first showed my wife my stash of heels, about 3-4 years into our marriage, she was understanding, but didn't ever want to see me wear them around her. I very slowly pushed the envelope, starting with flats, clogs, loafers, and boots with conservative heels maybe 2 to 2.5 inches high. I was very careful to communicate with her and keep within her comfort zone, but to push the limits of that zone as much as possible. Baby steps over many years have allowed me to wear heels undreamed of a long time ago. It's that continuous exposure, constant open communications, and unconditional love that has made her more secure and made me more confident of her support (or at least tolerance). So I think with that strategy, LAL can begin at once to condition his mother to the changes ahead and keep her in her comfort zone, as he pushes the boundaries of that zone. I hope I've explained my strategy better. Do you still disagree with it, Tom? Steve

[Pumps]

My mom is ok with me wearing heels. Since I came out I've worn them on a couple of occasions with her.

[SleekHeels]

Thanks Steve and Tom, it's really thought-provoking to hear your perspectives and I can kind of see where both of you are coming from. I can only imagine that the root of LiveAndLearn's mother's distress isn't so much in the shoes themselves but in all the additional connotations and stereotypes that they imply in her mind and that's what she can't bear. I think just wearing the heels in front of her and letting her figure out how to deal with it might be too much of a leap to ask of her (after all, how many years of inner turmoil does it take us to figure things out for ourselves). I'd be inclined to find out her fears and address those first - for example if she associates high-heels in general (or specifically guys wearing them) with immorality, reassure her that wearing your heels doesn't erode your morality, if anything it's an expression of your inner qualities that you and your mother both value. If you can establish some common ground first then maybe that will help her learn to feel more comfortable with seeing you wearing your heels (if that's what you want). Try to make it a mutual step forwards for both of you, and not just your gain at her loss (or vice-versa). Ultimately both Tom and Steve mention "communication" and that's really the key. I really hope you find the right path.

[Steve63130]

SleekHeels, Very good advice. Searching for that common ground and agreeing to the boundaries could be a good first step, and a way of bonding with his mother. It can shorten his mother's "learning curve" at the beginning, and perhaps put her mind at ease that LAL will not suddenly show up in full feminine clothing. Anything he can do to allay her fears is a positive step forward that can open doors to his dressing the way he wants eventually. But he still needs to take it very slowly and stay within her comfort zone. Steve

[Tom-NL]

Tom,

Please let me explain better. My logic is that his mother has a vision of her son dressed in very feminine clothes and shoes and is repulsed by it. She hasn't considered any possibility that there is a middle ground of "conservative" heels, women's bootcut jeans, women's shirts, and underwear that LiveAndLearn (LAL) might wear and look great in as a guy. If she is exposed to this kind of outfit at first, and is accepting of what she sees, then LAL can push the envelope slowly from there. It's like getting a foot in the door, so to speak. If LAL were to suddenly come into his mother's presence all decked out in femme clothes and stilettos, that's his mother's expectation and it would definitely be the wrong thing to do. So I advocate a slow and steady approach that is considerate of his mother and yet allows him to wear clothes for the gender he prefers.

(snip)

Steve

Steve,

I agree with you that LaL's mother probably has some sort of vision. And I would suggest that LaL would first try to establish exactly what that image is, and make sure instead of guess (although our guesses will most likely be more or less correct). After that, he is in a much better position to start adressing her vision specifically. That gives a better chance of being able to take her fears away. After that has been done, he might be able to show her how the reality of her son in heels looks.

Easy does it - not telling her you love her, and then confronting her without warning with what she has expressed concerns about seeing.

Thanks Steve and Tom, it's really thought-provoking to hear your perspectives and I can kind of see where both of you are coming from. I can only imagine that the root of LiveAndLearn's mother's distress isn't so much in the shoes themselves but in all the additional connotations and stereotypes that they imply in her mind and that's what she can't bear. I think just wearing the heels in front of her and letting her figure out how to deal with it might be too much of a leap to ask of her (after all, how many years of inner turmoil does it take us to figure things out for ourselves). I'd be inclined to find out her fears and address those first - for example if she associates high-heels in general (or specifically guys wearing them) with immorality, reassure her that wearing your heels doesn't erode your morality, if anything it's an expression of your inner qualities that you and your mother both value. If you can establish some common ground first then maybe that will help her learn to feel more comfortable with seeing you wearing your heels (if that's what you want). Try to make it a mutual step forwards for both of you, and not just your gain at her loss (or vice-versa). Ultimately both Tom and Steve mention "communication" and that's really the key. I really hope you find the right path.

SleekHeels,

You have worded what I intended to say, but much better than I have actually done. I completely agree with you.

[Redboots]

My mother knew I was wearing my sister's boots when I was about 9 or 10. She knew because I zipped them up over my jeans and walked into the living room in them. Well my father and my two older sisters were there as well but I can't remember anyone saying anything at the time. Over the years though my mother just used to say aloud I don't know why you are always wearing boots. Guess she thought I was gay but I'm certainly not. Happy days wandering around the house in my sister's delicious boots but then my feet grew too large !!