Irish Humor.....

[Bubba136]

In honor of St. Patrick's day, I would like to offer, to our Irish members, a "wee bit" of my favorite Irish humor.

A wee bit of Irish humor

Six retired Irishmen were playing poker in O'Leary's apartment

when Paddy Murphy loses $500 on a single hand, clutches his chest,

and drops dead at the table. Showing respect for their fallen brother,

the other five continue playing standing up.

Michael O'Conner looks around and asks, "Oh, me boys, someone

has to tell Paddy's wife. Who will it be?"

They draw straws. Paul Gallagher picks the short one.

They tell him to be discreet, be gentle, don't make a bad situation any worse.

"Discreet??? I'm the most discreet Irishman you'll ever meet.

Discretion is me middle name. Leave it to me."

Gallagher goes over to Murphy's house and knocks on the door.

Mrs. Murphy answers, and asks what he wants.

Gallagher declares, "Your husband just lost $500,

and is afraid to come home."

"Tell him to drop dead!", says Murphy's wife.

"I'll go tell him." says Gallagher.

** * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

And

Into a Belfast pub comes Paddy Murphy, looking like he'd just been run over

by a train. His arm is in a sling, his nose is broken, his face is cut, and bruised,

and he's walking with a limp.

"What happened to you?" asks Sean, the bartender.

"Jamie O'Conner and me had a fight," says Paddy..

"That little O'Conner," says Sean, "He couldn't do that to you,

he must have had something in his hand."

"That he did," says Paddy, "a shovel is what he had, and a terrible

lickin' he gave me with it."

"Well," says Sean, "you should have defended yourself.

Didn't you have something in your hand?"

That I did," said Paddy, "Mrs. O'Conner's breast,

and a thing of beauty it was; but useless in a fight."

And, finely

Brenda O'Malley is home making dinner, as usual, when Tim Finnegan arrives at her door.

"Brenda, may I come in?" he asks. "I've somethin' to tell ya".

"Of course you can come in, you're always welcome, Tim. But where's my husband?"

"That's what I'm here to be telling ya, Brenda. There was an accident down at the Guinness brewery"

"Oh, God no!" cries Brenda. "Please don't tell me."

"I must, Brenda. Your husband Shamus is dead and gone. I'm sorry.

Finally, she looked up at Tim. "How did it happen, Tim?"

"It was terrible, Brenda. He fell into a vat of Guinness Stout, and drowned."

"Oh my dear Jesus! But you must tell me true, Tim, did he at least go quickly?"

"Well, Brenda, no. In fact, he got out three times to pee."

If anyone else has something to offer, please feel free to contribute.....

[Dr. Shoe]

I know that four men dived in to save him but he fought them off bravely.

[Dawn HH]

Excellent reply, Dr. Shoe. Cheers--- Dawn HH

[hh4evr1]

Paddy goes into a pet shop and asks if they sell budgies. The shop worker say yes and takes Paddy to them to choose one. Paddy says he want to buy them all, so the shop work catches them one by one and gives them to {Paddy. Paddy put them in his pockets, down his shirt, trousers, in his socks, pay for them and leaves. Paddy's friend is walking on the beach when he sees Paddy lying on rocks at the bottom of a cliff covered in cuts and bruises. He asks paddy what happened. Paddy says "thats the first and last time i'm going to go budgie jumping"

[hh4evr1]

How do you confuse and Irish man. Put him in a round room and tell him to sit in a corner. An Irish man was staying in a bed and breakfast. The owner asked him what he wanted for breakfast. He said "I will have four slices of toast and on top of that I would like three large tins of baked beans" He eats his breakfast and goes out for a walk. He is later found dead and the police go to the bed and breakfast to speak the the owner. When she was told by the police that they think he comitted suicide she said "I dont think he would have done that he was full of beans this morning"

[at9]

"This Irishman went for a job on a building site and the foreman warned him that he'd have to answer some difficult questions.

"'That's OK,' said the Irishman.

"'You're absolutely sure?' asked the foreman.

"'Absolutely,' said the Irishman.

"'Right,' said the foreman. 'What's the difference between a joist and a girder. Think carefully.'

"'Well,' said the Irishman, 'Didn't Joyce write Ulysses and Goethe write Faust?'"

[partyshoes]

"This Irishman went for a job on a building site and the foreman warned him that he'd have to answer some difficult questions.

"'That's OK,' said the Irishman.

"'You're absolutely sure?' asked the foreman.

"'Absolutely,' said the Irishman.

"'Right,' said the foreman. 'What's the difference between a joist and a girder. Think carefully.'

"'Well,' said the Irishman, 'Didn't Joyce write Ulysses and Goethe write Faust?'"