Post Your Jokes Here

ShockQueen · March 27, 2002

Try and figure this out!!! keep your sound on!

Go to: http://www.dtig.de/whatswrong/ ,it's a great site...figure out whats wrong with the picture.....it might take you a little bit. Look really carefully or you might miss it!

IHeels · March 28, 2002

Not exactly a joke, just a bit of humour from the media. "A soccer-mad vicar was so desperate not to miss his beloved team play that he wore his football shirt underneath his cassock as he performed a wedding ceremony so he could rush straight to Manchester United's Old Trafford ground." Inga

Highluc · March 30, 2002

For all of you out there who've had to deal with an irate customer, this one is for you. An award should go to the United Airlines gate agent in Denver for being smart and funny, and making her point, when confronted with a passenger who probably deserved to fly as baggage.

A crowded United flight was canceled. A single agent was rebooking a long line of inconvenienced travelers. Suddenly an angry passenger pushed his way to the desk. He slapped his ticket down on the counter and said, "I HAVE to be on this flight and it has to be FIRST CLASS."

The agent replied, "I'm sorry, sir. I'll be happy to try to help you, but I've got to help these folks first, and I'm sure we'll be able to work something out."

The passenger was unimpressed. He asked loudly, so that the passengers behind him could hear, "Do you have any idea who I am?"

Without hesitating, the gate agent smiled and grabbed her public address microphone. "May I have your attention please?" she began, her voice bellowing throughout the terminal. "We

have a passenger here at the gate WHO DOES NOT KNOW WHO HE IS. If anyone can

help him find his identity, please come to the gate."

With the folks behind him in line laughing hysterically, the man glared at the United agent, gritted his teeth and swore, "F*CK YOU!"

Without flinching, she smiled and said, "I'm sorry, sir, but you'll have to stand in line for that, too!"

_________________

Be youself, enjoy any footwear you like and don't care about what others think about it, it's your life, not theirs. Greetings from Highluc on http://walk.to/highluc

[ This Message was edited by: Highluc on 2002-03-30 22:11 ]

Highluc · March 30, 2002

In case you were wondering this explains it all. All babies start out with the same number of raw cells, which over nine months, develop into a complete female baby. The problem occurs when cells are instructed by the little chromosomes to make a male baby instead. Because there are only so many cells to go around, the cell necessary to develop a male's reproductive organs have to come from cells already assigned elsewhere in the female Recent tests have shown that these cells are removed from the communications center of the brain, migrate lower in the body and develop into male sexual organs. If you visualize a normal brain to be similar to a full deck of cards, this means that males are born a few cards short, so to speak, and some of their cards are in their shorts. This difference between the male and female brain manifests itself in various ways: Little girls will tend to play things like house or learn to read. Little boys, however, will tend to do things like placing a bucket over their heads and running into walls. This basic cognitive difference continues to grow until puberty, when the hormones kick into action and the trouble really begins. After puberty, not only the size of the male and female brains differ, but the center of thought also differs. Women think with their heads. Male thoughts often originate lower in their bodies where their ex-brain cells reside. Of course, the size of this problem varies from man to man. In some men only a small number of brain cells migrate and they are left with nearly full mental capacity but they tend to be rather dull,sexually speaking. Such men are known in medical terms as "Engineers." Other men suffer larger brain cell relocation. These men are medically referred to as "Fighter Pilots." A small number of men suffer massive brain cell migration to their groins. These men are usually referred to as "Mr. President or Mr. Congressman"

IHeels · April 4, 2002

I got an unofficial parking ticket. No harm done but amusing.

Inga

Dr. Shoe · April 7, 2002

On 2002-03-31 19:47, Anagram wrote:
<center>
<h2>The Ultimate Final Exam</h2>
</center>

Computer Science:
Write a fifth-generation computer language. Using
this language, write a computer program to finish the rest of this
exam for you.

History:
Describe the history of the papacy from its origins to the
present day, concentrating on its social, political, economic,
religious, and philosophical impact on Europe, America, Asia, and
Africa. Be brief and concise, yet specific.

Electrical Engineering:
You will be placed in a nuclear reactor and
given a partial copy of the electrical layout. The electrical system
has been tampered with. You have seventeen minutes to find the
problem and correct it before the reactor melts down.

Pre-Med:
You will be provided with a rusty razor blade, a piece of
gauze, and a full bottle of Scotch. Remove your appendix. Don't
suture until your work as been inspected. You have 15 minutes.

Public Speaking:
Twenty-five hundred riot-crazed aborigines are
storming the classroom. Calm them. You may use any ancient language
except Latin, Hebrew, or Greek.

Biology:
Create life. Estimate the differences in subsequent human
culture if this life form had developed 500,000 years earlier, with
special attention to the probable effect, if any, on the English
parliamentary system circa 1750. Prove your thesis.

Civil Engineering:
This is a practical test of your design and
building skills. With the boxes of toothpicks and glue present, build
a platform that will support your weight when you and your platform
are suspended over a vat of nitric acid.

Music:
Write a full piano concerto. Orchestrate and perform it with a
clarinet and drum. You will find a piano under your seat.

Psychology:
Based on your knowledge of their early works, evaluate the
emotional stability, degree of adjustment, and repressed frustrations
of each of the following:
Alexander of Aphrodisias, Ramses II, and
Gregory of Nicea. Support your evaluation with quotations from each
man's work, making appropriate references. It is not necessary to
translate.

Chemistry:
You must identify a poison sample which you will find at
your lab table. All necessary equipment has been provided. There are
two beakers at your desk, one of which holds the antidote. If the
wrong substance is used, it causes instant death. You may begin as
soon as the professor injects you with a sample of the poison. (We
feel this will give you an incentive to find the correct answer.)

Sociology:
Estimate the sociological problems which might be
associated with the end of the world. Construct an experiment to test
your theory.

Mechanical Engineering:
The disassembled parts of a howitzer have been
placed in a box on your desk. You will also find an instruction
manual, printed in Machine Language. In ten minutes a hungry Bengal
tiger will be admitted to the room. Take whatever action you feel
appropriate. Be prepared to justify your actions.

Economics:
Describe in four hundred words or less what you would have
done to prevent the Great Depression.

Mathematics:
Derive the Euler-Cauchy equations using only a
straightedge and compass. Discuss in detail the role these equations
had on mathematical analysis in Europe during the 1800s.

Political Science:
There is a red telephone on the desk beside you.
Start World War III. Report at length on its socio-political effects,
if any.

Religion:
Perform a miracle. Creativity will be judged.

Art:
Given one eight-count box of crayons and three sheets of notebook
paper, recreate the ceiling of the Sistine Chapel. Skin tones should
be true to life.

Physics:
Explain the nature of matter. Include in your answer an
in-depth evaluation of the impact of the development of mathematics on
science.

Metaphysics:
Describe in detail the nature of life after death.
Test your hypothesis.

Philosophy:
Sketch the development of human thought and estimate its
significance. Compare with the development of any other kind of
thought.

General Knowledge:
Describe in detail. Be specific.

Extra Credit:
Define the universe, and give three examples.

What scares me most is that I could give acceptable answers to half these questions! (I got extra credit for my Religion answer when I got my modem to work properly *lol*)

Debbie(HK) · April 9, 2002

A stewardess approached a gentleman who was voicing his complains rather loudly. "Yes, Sir?" "I want to complain about this airline. Every time I fly, I get the same seat, I can't see the in-flight movie, and there are no window blinds so I can't sleep." "Captain, shut up and land the plane."

IHeels · April 9, 2002

Here's a bit of irony that may well interest you Firefox. "An English pub landlord has taken out an insurance policy against ghosts following fears that the resident poltergeist could hurt customers. The landlord of the Royal Falcon Hotel in Suffolk decided he needed the cover after watching the ghost shoot glasses along the bar one night." Looks like they'll have to take to the bottles or the tap directly in this place. Inga

Highluc · April 11, 2002

A little old couple walked slowly into McDonalds one cold winter evening. They looked out of place amid the young families and young couples eating there that night. Some of the customers looked admiringly at them. You could tell what the admirers were thinking. "Look, there is a couple who has been through a lot together, probably for 60 years or more!" The little old man walked right up to the cash register, placed his order with no hesitation and then paid for their meal. The couple took a table near the back wall and started taking food off of the tray. There was one hamburger, one order of French fries and one drink. The little old man unwrapped the plain hamburger and carefully cut it in half. He placed one half in front of his wife. Then he carefully counted out the French fries, divided them in two piles and neatly placed one pile in front of his wife. He took a sip of the drink, his wife took a sip and then set the cup down between them. As the man began to eat his few bites of hamburger the crowd began to get restless. Again you could tell what they were thinking. "That poor old couple. All they can afford is one meal for the two of them." As the man began to eat his French fries one young man stood and came over to the old couples' table. He politely offered to buy another meal for the old couple to eat. The old man replied that they were just fine. They were used to sharing everything. Then the crowd noticed that the little old lady hadn't eaten a bite. She just sat there watching her husband eat and occasionally taking turns sipping the drink. Again the young man came over and begged them to let him buy them something to eat. This time the lady explained that no, they were used to sharing everything together. As the little old man finished eating and was wiping his face neatly with a napkin the young man could stand it no longer. Again he came over to their table and offered to buy some food. After being politely refused again he finally asked a question of the little old lady. "Ma'am, why aren't you eating. You said that you share everything. What is it that you are waiting for?" She answered... "The teeth"

Francis · April 12, 2002

IHeels · April 13, 2002

Seen that one before. So much for the illusions. Inga

Heelson · April 13, 2002

The following are all based on the concept of; Imagine if all the major retailers started making their own condoms and keeping the same tagline ... (apologies, some of these are UK only) Sainsburys Condoms : making life taste better Tescos Condoms : every little helps Nike Condoms : Just do it

Heelson · April 13, 2002

continuing ... Peugeot condoms : the ride of your life Galaxy condoms : why have rubber when you can have silk KFC condoms : finger licking good

Heelson · April 13, 2002

and there's more ... Minstrels condoms : melt in your mouth, not in your hands Safeway condoms : lightening the load Abbey National condoms : because life's complicated enough

Heelson · April 13, 2002

.... pringles condoms : once you pop you can't stop burger king condoms : home of the whopper FCUK condoms : no comment required

Heelson · April 13, 2002

Muller Light : so much pleasure, but where's the pain Royal mail condoms : I saw this and thought of you Andrex condoms : soft, strong and very long

Heelson · April 13, 2002

Maltesers condoms : the lighter way to enjoy chocolate Ronseal condoms : does exactly what it says on the tin Domestos condoms : gets right under the rim

Heelson · April 13, 2002

Heinekin condoms : reaches parts that other condoms just can not reach Mars condoms : a condom a day keeps the doctor away AA condoms : the 4th emergency service Polo condoms : the condom with a hole in the middle

Heelson · April 13, 2002

and finally .... there's something about Microsoft getting into condoms .... "just plug and play, but you'll need a new driver for maximum enjoyment" So, apologies; 1. for most being UK specific ads (so completely lost on the rest of the world) 2. for the bad ones 3. for posting so many individually, but I have to get out of these comfy loafers!

IHeels · April 14, 2002

Here's an amusing quote: "A Spanish prisoner on day leave stole $A430,000 from a bank, sent fellow inmates money orders signed Robin Hood, then quietly returned to his cell." Inga

IHeels · April 15, 2002

In the Birmingham Sunday Mercury (7th Jan 2001): WORKER DEAD AT DESK FOR 5 DAYS Bosses of a publishing firm are trying to work out why no one noticed that one of their employees had been sitting dead at is desk for FIVE DAYS before anyone asked if he was feeling okay. George Turklebaum, 51, who had been employed as a proof-reader at a New York firm for 30 years, had a heart attack in the open-plan office he shared with 23 other workers. He quietly passed away on Monday, but nobody noticed until Saturday morning when an office cleaner asked why he was still working during the weekend. His boss Elliot Wachiaski said: "George was always the first guy in each morning and the last to leave at night, so no one found it unusual that he was in the same position all that time and didn't say anything. "He was always absorbed in his work and kept much to himself." A post mortem examination revealed that he had been dead for five days after suffering a coronary. Ironically, George was proofreading manuscripts of medical textbooks when he died. You may want to give your co-workers a nudge occasionally. And the MORAL OF THE STORY : "Don't work too hard. Nobody notices anyway." Inga

IHeels · April 25, 2002

How to get to the Melbourne airport from Croydon an outer Melbourne suburb. PS I don't live there anymore thankfully.

This information is extracted from from the following url: http://www.skybus.com.au/toairport.html

Trip to the airport

from your starting point at 5:51am (5:51!? Apparently I am walking to Heathmont from Croydon! At least they gave me plenty of time to do this...) to Melbourne Airport by 9:45am on Thursday 6/6/2002

A

1.The trip planner could not find a full route because some transports have not yet been incorporated into the planner. Please make your way to using other means.(These instructions are very informational)

2.Catch Belgrave train departing 7:56am from stop 29, Heathmont to stop 6, Richmond arriving 8:30am.(Something wrong with the Lilydale line??)

B

1.Walk to stop 7E, Punt Rd from Richmond (distance = 100m)

2.Catch tram 70 departing 8:41am from stop 7E, Punt Rd to stop 5, Swanston St arriving 8:51am.

(Let's get off this perfectly good train which is going to Spencer St anyway, and take a tram)

C

1.Walk to Flinders Street from Swanston St (distance = 150m)

2.Catch Glen Waverley train departing 8:58am from stop 1, Flinders Street to stop 2, Spencer Street arriving 8:49am. (Good God, what? Why didn't I get on a tram that GOES to Spencer St?)

D

1.Catch bus Skybus departing 9:00am from Spencer Street Railway Station to Melbourne Airport arriving 9:30am. (Unless the Skybus driver got his instructions from this website, in which case we'll drive to Adelaide, get a plane to Canberra, a bus to Lismore and hitch-hike the rest of the way to Brisbane)

2.The results of this trip planner should be used as a rough guide only.(No shit Sherlock!) We take no responsibility for flights missed as the result of following this advice. (We also deny any responsibility for emotional disturbance, chronic disorientation and total bewilderment caused by following these instructions)

I'd expect simular services would exist in other parts of the globe. (ie a ferry service to the airport with no sence of direction!)

Inga

_________________

HEELS are POWER the HIGHER the BETTER.

[ This Message was edited by: IHeels on 2002-04-25 14:06 ]

IHeels · May 4, 2002

Here's a classic from the media: "H'Angus the Monkey has been elected mayor of Hartlepool, England, in a victory for the mascot of the town's football team. Stuart Drummond, alias H'Angus the Monkey, used the slogan "free bananas for schoolchildren" to win the position." Inga

Firefox · May 4, 2002

Much to the Gov's embarassment, this wasn't a joke. The guy did actually get elected as an independant candidate.

http://news.bbc.co.uk/hi/english/uk_politics/newsid_1965000/1965569.stm

However, it's not quite as silly as it sounds. There was a semi-sensible person behind the monkey suit who used it to successfully promote his campaign as an independant candidate.

Firefox · June 7, 2002

In a murder trial, the defense attorney was cross-examining a pathologist. Attorney: Before you signed the death certificate, had you taken the pulse? Coroner: No. Attorney: Did you listen to the heart? Coroner: No. Attorney: Did you check for breathing? Coroner: No. Attorney: So, when you signed the death certificate, you weren't sure the man was dead, were you? Coroner: Well, let me put it this way. The man's brain was sitting in a jar on my desk. But I guess it's possible he could be out there practicing law somewhere.

Firefox · June 7, 2002

A guy goes over to his buddy's house, rings the bell, but his buddy's wife answers. "Hi is Tony home?" "No he went to the store." "Well, you mind if I wait?" "No come in." They sit down and the friend says "You know Nora, you have the greatest breasts I have ever seen. I'd give you a hundred bucks if I could just see one." Nora thinks about this for a second and figures what the hell,.... It's worth one hundred bucks. She opens her robe and shows one. He promptly thanks her and throws 100 bucks on the table. They sit there a while longer and Chris says "They are so beautiful. I must see the both of them. I'll give you another 100 bucks if I could just see the both of them together." Nora thinks about this and says what the hell, opens her robe and gives Chris a nice long look. She feels bad for him, so she pushes her breasts into his face for a moment and she let's him have a few squeezes. Chris thanks her and throws another 100 bucks on the table then says he can't wait any longer for Tony and he leaves. A while later Tony arrives home and his wife says "You know your weird friend Chris came over." Tony thinks about this for a second and asks, "Well,... did he drop off the 200 bucks he owes me...?"

Calv · June 8, 2002

Nice one. I enjoyed that last joke

Francis · June 8, 2002

reminds me of another breast joke, but I won't go into it yet

Firefox · June 11, 2002

A dustman is going along a street picking up the wheely bins and emptying them into his dustcart lorry. He gets to one house where the bin hasn't been left out so he has a quick look for it, goes round the back but still can't see it so he knocks on the door. There's no answer so he knocks again.

Eventually a Japanese bloke answers..."Harro", says the Japanese bloke .

"Alright mate, where's ya bin?" asks the dustman

"I bin on toilet" replies the Japanese bloke, looking perplexed.

Realising the Japanese fellow has misunderstood, the binman smiles and says

"No mate, where's ya dust bin?"

"I dust bin on toilet. I told you" says the Japanese man.

"Mate" says the dustman... "you're misunderstanding me... Where's your Wheely Bin?"

"OK" "OK" , says the Jap, "I wheely bin having a rank!"

_________________

Click For Freestyle Fashions

[ This Message was edited by: Firefox on 2002-06-11 19:13 ]

azraelle · June 11, 2002

You should be ashamed of yourself Firefox--that was even better than Laurie's, I'm sorry to say ("Standing all day in heels, Page 4").

_________________

Hi-Heeled Boots, Bodysuits, and Back-Zipper Pants R wikkid-kool (on me, or U)!

[ This Message was edited by: azraelle on 2002-06-11 12:43 ]

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