Why doesn't she get it???

[Guest]

Recently I went to zappos and added some things to my cart, and hit pay. My mom saw the transaction on my bank statement and went ballistic... here are some excerpts from an email she wrote me:

I thought you were out of this phase but I guess you aren't. I just don't get it. WHEN do you have time to parade around in women's shoes?... I certainly don't want any of the FAMILY to see you in your cross dressing attire.. And what about the neighbors? I am sure SOMEBODY has seen you by now.

Is therapy needed? Maybe we need to be discussing the need to find out what needs to be done to get you in the right frame of mind cause this ain't it!

SHOES! High heel shoes! How about we go shopping for some bras and stuff while we are at it, unless you have already done that too. ... is giving you a car going to give you the freedom to go out dressed like a woman?

There was some personal stuff in there I left out. Here's my reply:

That money wasn't spent. It was an accident. Right after it happened I cancelled the transaction, the money should have appeared back in my account by now.

Somehow I knew you'd react like this. Let's get a few things clear:

1 - I don't cross dress. I don't want to cross dress.

2 - The desire to, as yout put it, cross-dress, ends right above my ankles. I realized this maaaaaaaaaaaaaaany moons ago. No bras, wigs, make-up, ... any of that. All I can do at this point is tell you this til you believe it.

3 - I like men's styles of shoes (as evidenced by how hard it is for me to get rid of the ones I have, no matter how old and worn), but some women's styles are nice too and could be worn with good taste. This, too, is something I realized many moons ago. I wouldn't label you a cross-dresser when you go out in t-shirts, front-zip jeans with thin belt loops, and tennis shoes. How does ONE article of clothing all of a sudden turn into me wanting a car solely to have "freedom to dress like a woman" ?

I think you're losing focus on why I need a car, and letting insignificant things like this interfere with clear, concise thinking. The biggest change that would occur is [personal / work-related] because it stresses YOU to break your sleep and I can see that this stress is at a climax, because your trains of thought are currently derailing more than Amtraks do.

I don't need therapy. I'm not breaking any laws. Maybe a societal norm or two, but I'm not harming anyone in the process.

What else can I do to help her understand? She's moderately old (won't say a number) so I need SOMETHING I can do, her being many years my senior, to make her realize that what I do is not harmful to anyone.

[Firefox]

Old doesn't always mean wise. I wouldn't say there's much you can say to get her to wake up. However, if it's any help, the one thing which did prove to my parents that unusual shoe fashion was no problem was actually wearing them in front of their friends, family, neighbours etc and when they could see the world didn't fall in they were much more accepting. In your mum's case it's probably largely fear of the unknown. Actions speak louder than words in this repect.

[Guest]

here's an excerpt from her response back to me:

I understand that you have a fetish for women's shoes. While it's true that I can wear jeans, t-shirts and 'men's tennis shoes' and no body gives a damn, I didn't make society the way it is. It is more acceptable for me to wear the clothes I do than for you to be seen in public wearing women's shoes. Are you sick because of it? Maybe not, but the fact remains you would be more likely to be put into a straight jacket and sent off to the sanatorium for wearing the shoes, rather than me for wearing an entire outfit.

SHE SAID A SANATORIUM!

I'M UP IN CAHOOTS!

[heelsRus]

here's an excerpt from her response back to me:

SHE SAID A SANATORIUM!

I'M UP IN CAHOOTS!

If she ran the world, yes, you would be. And in some respects and in some places in the world you'd have difficulty.

However, perhaps doing some research (start with this site) about the history of clothing (including some of the other trends that are happening these days) and making your well thought out argument wouldn't hurt. Remember to give her an 'out' - i.e. don't push her into a corner. Things that were taboo 10 or 20 years ago aren't now.

On the topic of acceptance, I heard a news piece yesteday about the same-sex marriage laws Canada is planning on legislating. There was an on-the-street interview with people FROM THE 1950's about homosexuals. Wow, now there's a cultural differece. One woman seriously pointed out that "there should be a place for these people" similar to an asylum, and that "yes, these people are dangerous to society".

Now, I haven't had to do any of this so.... good luck. Let us know how it turns out.

[Firefox]

but the fact remains you would be more likely to be put into a straight jacket and sent off to the sanatorium

Well that line from her proves she was thinking exactly the way I predicted, and hence the only thing you can do is prove her wrong by actions, and her objections are likely to subside.

[loveheel]

Maybe it would be better to talk to your mom in person than by email ? People are generally much more understanding in person.

[Rockpup]

My mom sorta gave up at some point. She stopped trying to find out what I'm into, but is glad to see I am in a happy, healthy relationship with someone who cares a great deal for me. This is years after she tried profesionals and medication to get me to be 'normal'... Life can be stressfull, but you can learn from what causes you problems. Unless you are a danger to yourself or others I see no need for 'correction'. Btw.. one friends mom was so paranoid she hired a private detective to follow me around. He told her that I am probably gay. "no shit" heh Seeya Jim

[Bubba136]

From the discourse above, it appears that you are still under control of your parents. Otherwise, why would your mother be looking at your bank statements? You're not going to win this one -- or even give an explanation that is logical enough to alleviate your mom's concerns. Some things are best left until you're out on your own, away from curious parents, to engage in.

[Guest]

We have a joint account. It was that way because of a prior living situation that called for her to be able to freely transfer money directly into my account.

[genebujold]

Hi, Danielle. I, too, have encountered not one, but two, family relatives with similar mindsets regarding my heelwear. Both of them suffer from the same malady, namely, ignorance. The problem is, they don't know what the don't know. While other family members have ranged from more tolerant to outright accepting, there remain those who just don't get it, wrongly equating choice of personal attire with a variety of other non-related issues. As a lay counselor in Las Vegas who works primarily with marriage an family issues, as well as one who's encountered several gender-identity-related issues over the last couple of years, I believe the path that would help you the most would be education. Most people can't resist referring to something in print, even if they weren't the ones who found it, so in this light, I would like to refer you to two treatises I wrote on this subject in the hopes that your mother will be persuaded by the written word. The first is located in the For Everybody Section, and is entitled, "A Time Has Come." In essence, it's a strong critique against the DSM-IV, which I believe, both professionally and personally, is a far cry from reality when it comes to transgender issues, including men wearing heels. The second is a history of man's wear of high-heeled shoes (did you know men wore high-heeled shoes for 25 years before the fashion caught on with women?). You might find it by searching on "fashion plates." I'm away from my usual desktop for a while, so if someone has the link, please chime in!

[Firefox]

She's not going to be persuaded by the written word. No harm in trying though. The only thing which is going to keep her quiet is demonstration from Danielle that he can wear the shoes and integrate them into his normal life without the world falling in. Otherwise she will continue with all the objections about them being a waste of money, and that people will not accept him wearing them; there is no visible proof that this isn't the case.

[Ellen-Jay]

You don't have to be au fait with the specific issue to know that Firefox's words are most wise. Ellen-Jay

[Guest]

She's away for the weekend now, but seemed to be easing up on the idea a little bit. I reminded of her staunch opposition to pierced ears for males... until I got mine done. I've since stopped wearing earrings (because I keep losing them :x) but she never objected, even covered the cost of a pair of earrings I once wanted. I do plan on using my wedges as my house shoes to ease up her fears. I don't want this to become overkill though, so I'll wear my "other" shoes mixed in with my "normal" shoes.

[asdf174]

Sucks your going through that kind of drama. I went throguh similar situations with my parents. The most importnat thing to remember is that the only person that has to be comfortable with you choose to wear is you.

[genebujold]

She's not going to be persuaded by the written word. No harm in trying though.

Actually, Firefox, the fact that she's already shown some progression outright aggression to questioning tells me she's headed in the right direction. Such people are often significantly influenced by the written word, particularly if it's from an authoritative source.

It's the one's that go from disbelief to antagonism to hate and avoidance that are unapproachable by any means.

And family members fall into one of four distinct categories created by two scales:

1. Ignorant - Informed

2. Unaccepting - Accepting

Obviously, we would hope for an informed, accepting relative, but it appears the relative in question here began as ignorant, but is tending towards informed and may soon become more accepting than unaccepting.

This is the same simple scale that's used to initially classify the responses of others for pretty much any behavior that causes relational conflict, regardless of the behavior or degree/type of relation.

[genebujold]

She's away for the weekend now, but seemed to be easing up on the idea a little bit. I reminded of her staunch opposition to pierced ears for males... until I got mine done. I've since stopped wearing earrings (because I keep losing them :x) but she never objected, even covered the cost of a pair of earrings I once wanted.

I do plan on using my wedges as my house shoes to ease up her fears. I don't want this to become overkill though, so I'll wear my "other" shoes mixed in with my "normal" shoes.

Excellent approach, Danielle, and it shows your concern for her - very good, and it should work fine, given patience and time.

[dressboots]

I realize how luck I am as I read this. Never had any problem from my parents on the subject of wearing feminine boots other than caution about appearing in shoes/boots obviously intended for females and the teasing that it might engender, but no name calling or indication that they would freak out if I did so. In fact they did not freak out when I did so in high school - only the "Are you sure you want to go to school wearing your new boots (which they purchased for me)?" query but allowed me to exit the house when I assure them I did. The boots were the stretch crinkle patent type so popular in the early 1970's with 2" heels. Wore them all year - much to the amusement of some but only a tiny fraction of the student body that bothered to make the energy to say something. Wish you the best of luck in your mother softening up to a "problem" she perceives. Guess I cannot offer advice other than maybe a professional viewpoint. Talk to a counselor that she trusts and can talk to as well. I know that this is likely impossible for what sounds like now is that any couselor who says it is nothing to worry about, she will disagree with. Some parents have a preconceived idea of what their children are going to look like, do, be etc. when they grow up but cannot handle it when the mold gets changed by the free thinking mind that goes with their offspring. It can be a troubling transition to allow that one's childiren have ideas of their own that do not always agree with theirs but that (in most cases) they will not self-destruct because of them. Recongnizing it often creates a much closer bond between parent and (grown) child.