Psychology...

[Heel-Lover]

Hi,

 

For me I think is was initially a 'fetish' but over the years has evolved into a style, my style.

I have learnt to wear heels (I couldn't wear the really tall heels and rock an outfit to start off). It took me years to become proficient at wearing skinny heels like an expert, and it took years to develop the flexibility in my feet to wear such high heels properly. Guys just don't have anywhere near the same flexibility as girls in their feet.

 

As my ability to wear heels has grown I became bolder and wore skirts and the like.

 

What I enjoy about my mixed up style is the choices it presents me.

I can wear a shirt, tie & mens suit and brogues one day, and then a skirt, blouse, jacket and pumps the next.

I prefer 'typical womens' styles better as they are more fun to wear.

 

I enjoy having my 'legs out' for work, rather than hidden.

I prefer the lighter fabrics in blouses/ tops.

I enjoy having my arms & legs free in most 'womens' styles for summer...  much cooler

I enjoy the variety of shoes I can wear.

 

I enjoy creating a stir if I wear something bold. (can be empowering)

I feel better if I wear a pair of red shoes than if I wear plain black (provided they also go with the outfit)

 

I just prefer the fun choices

I have learnt so much more about how my wardrobe can empower me & make me feel better about myself

 

Cheers

Heel-Lover.

[Technic]

The question is is it a fetish or do you just like high heels? Firstly, a fetish is any behaviour that's sexually motivated. Do you find it difficult or impossible to perform "sexual" functions without heels being involved? If your girlfriend told you she never wanted to wear heels again, would you dump her? Do heels rule your life? I'm guessing that the answer to all of these questions is a no. If this is true then your question is irrelevant in any case. FWIW, no one is really sure where fetishes come from. It could have something to do with what you were wearing or what you saw when you first had an erection. It is said to be a remnant of an evolutionary trait of imprinting where the pleasure centres are stimulated when you're about to have sex to encourage procreation. Nothing to do with dominant mothers or absent dads.

I totally agree. I can remember when my boot fetish actually started. I was about 7 years old and my parents had a friends daughter come round to babysit me. She wore a pair of knee high black boots that day and I remember putting them on for fun and walking around the house. That was when I first can recall all though not quite understand why I got an erection. After all is was only around 7. So, I can only assume that's were my lifelong love on wearing female boots came from.

[DudeInHeels]

Personally I am not sure where my desire to wear heels started. For me and the world I grew up in as a kid, there was no "one event" that sealed the deal for me. I am inclined to agree with the "High Heel Gene" idea that I have seen somewhere else on this forum. I know in her younger days my mother wore heels and had several pair. My desire to wear them happened when my age was still in single digits, and able to fit into moms heels. I wear heels in private around the house, me and the wife have agreed that I will not wear them around the children or even talk about it for that matter. My youngest daughter is 7, and walks around the house in any of her dressy shoes that have a heel (no more than half an inch or so, something that is age appropriate). She is told by other siblings to take them off, only for them to reappear on her feet within minutes. After getting a bath at night, right after putting on clean clothes she will have the shoes on again. And she refers to them as her "high heels" whenever she talks about them. My wife wears heels only when occasion dictates, and would rather be in some sandals or tennis shoes than heels anyday. My daughter prefers "high heels" over any other type of shoe for any occasion, even play time outside. Obviously if the "high heel gene" theory is true, it applies to my family. I had a friend that loved wearing heels growing up and all through high school. In fact, she is one of the few girls that wouldn't kick off her heels at a school dance to dance barefoot like most of the other girls. She never complains about wearing them. When me and the wife have had dinner with her and her husband at their home, she is wearing heels. Come to find out after having met her mother that her mother is also an avid heel wearer. My friend told me that her mother wore heels so much (and loved them) that she couldn't wear anything flat anymore after years of heels. And my friend has a 13 year old daughter that looks like she will also get the "high heel gene" from her mother. Just a little rambling, sorry. To me, it seems to point to the "high heel gene" theory as plausible. I had a good life growing up, with both a mother and father in traditional roles. I can point to no "one event" that started it for me, it just seems like something I was born with. Dude

[Histiletto]

As a person develops from infancy, they have personal criteria or desires that they seek to fulfill. Each person has their own way of approaching life. Who is to say what triggers anything, for we all have our perspectives and points of contact. In my toddling years of maledom, I had already reached the point of wanting to wear the black patent Mary Jane shoes my sister got the choice to wear over my pleas against letting her, even if I had put them on first. I still found ways to satisfy my desire when she was not immediately around or asleep. Of course, there were consequences when I was caught by her, but my mom didn't seem to mind as I wore them around the house. Just having the Mary Jane's on was well worth the opposition, even at that age. 

 

As time went on and my intentions to have my own pair of Mary Jane's was well known in my family unit, I was still denied until one day my sister brought home another pair after complaining that she could no longer wear the first pair. Now before the new pair, the meaning of ownership was something that had been a bad thing. However, at this instant, I was now the only one that could wear them so I proclaimed them to be mine. After a bit of stern discussion, my parents decided in my favor. WOW! This meant that I could wear my Mary Jane's all I wanted and I did! If I was at a place or social activity, my patent leathers helped me to arrive in the style for I was very proud to wear such wonderful footwear. The thought that the time would come for discarding my Mary Jane's was tempered with the outlook I could replace them with another pair like my sister had done. Until then, which seemed a long, long time away for a toddler who had no real sense for the span of time, I was going to enjoy wearing my perfect footwear each and every day.

 

That seemly great span of time passed so quickly as I had to declare a need for another pair. The trip to the shoe store was exciting with such glorious anticipation. I knew what I wanted as I saw the display, but my expectations were dashed away when I came to realize I was not going to get another pair of Mary Jane's at all. There aren't descriptions for the despair and feelings of betrayal I experienced in those horrid minutes among the tears and pleas. The road home was no longer filled with joyous expectations for there was nothing to go home for. I was just there. They may have denied me of the footwear I wanted, but they weren't able to take away my desire. My thoughts of living before I got my Mary Jane's came back and I could see no other alternative, but to learn the art of deceit in trying to find satisfaction. I felt alone with no one that seem to care or help me understand why. I just knew how I felt and I only had me to depend on for any answers and discernments.

 

In time I learned why my parents denied my pleas, but I can't see or understand the logic that society uses to degrade those who want to fulfill their desires like mine. The totality of my experiences up to now have helped me in becoming obsessive for owning and wearing particular styles of high heels. A fetish? Only if all men and women with such feelings and possessions can be rightfully labeled as such. Otherwise, I just enjoy being a man wearing high stiletto heel pumps.

[Guest]

I hate it. It has controlled my life. Mainly in the aspect that instead of doing other things I would hide in the house wearing heels. It has been all I think about and has only gotten worse over the years. I use to buy shoes then after a while I guess I would feel guilty and hoping to quit I would through them away. Wow, I had some really nice shoes that I wish I had back. Anyway, I use to race bicycles but I started at a late age. I look back and wonder if I had started as a teenager and did not waste some of those days hiding, maybe I could have Ben a professional. Not a too pro but maybe a mid to lo level. Now I have has to give in. Just wearing in private was not enough. I wanted to live my life not as a woman but as woman do. Get up, put on heels and go to work and go about my day as if I belonged in them. I do that now but sometimes I feel like once again I need more. I see woman wearing open toed help sandals or boots with the pants tucked in and I want that look, even though if I did that I would never look as good as what I see. Even though I have on 4,5 inch boots, I know that if I see a woman that has on heels that i can't wear I am going to have that feeling of my chest being twisted in a knott. I hate it. Why can't my life be normal. I am a good husband. Been married 25 years, have 2 great kids but I am obsessed with heels. I think it is a form of self inflicted brain washing. We have all seen or done something as kids then we have played it out in our heads or thought about it constantly until it has become an obsession that at one point has turned into an unknown sexual experience. I can look back when I was a kid and having an experience with shoes and now I realize I had some sort of arousal from long before I knew what was going on.

[radiodave]

I hear you, Heels2u.  I can relate to what you experience with being obsessed with them.  I've been fascinated by them since I was little.  I think it was my first grade teacher who had a pair of mary jane heels that I was first interested in.  My older sister had some nice black sandals that I often lusted over, wishing I could wear them.  Wasn't just heels though, strappy sandals, ballet flats, I was always disappointed that girls had pretty shoes, and boys had rather plain shoes.  I'd wander around women's shoe sections admiring all the shoes, wishing I could wear them.

 

It wasn't until I was about 29 that I let on to my girlfriend (later wife) that high heels were a turn on.  She indulged me and she let me pick out a pair for her.  Then at some point I nervously asked what it was like to wear them.  She wasn't shocked at all and reasoned there are probably lots of guys who wonder what they are like, and didn't think I was "weird" for trying them on.  She bought a pair for me, and didn't mind at all if I wore them around the house.  She let me buy more pairs, and I was like a kid in a candy store.  Most times if I got another pair, she'd just laugh, roll her eyes and say I'm going to be next Imelda Morcos.  She admitted I actually had good taste, looked good in them, and could walk better in them than she could.

 

We split for other reasons, but she agreed they were part of who I am and I shouldn't settle for someone who won't accept it.  Trouble is, more than once I purged a bunch of pairs thinking that I want to be normal and guys just don't do that.  Well, it didn't work very well.  The last girlfriend practically ran for the hills when I told her, and there was much name calling.  Tried giving them up, and we did get back together, briefly.  Well, that was short lived for other reasons.  I still wrestle with how does one find another lady who doesn't think you're weird, or better yet, encourages you to wear them, is a shoe addict herself, and wears the same size.  Okay, keep dreaming Dave....

 

Like you Heels2u, I hate how women pick out heels to wear, and wear them as they please.  I've been out in public a few times, but I wouldn't dare wear them to work.  One lady at work practically lives in heels and has several pairs of sandals.  But no, I have to wear my fugly men's dress shoes or my sneakers.  Of course it doesn't help that when I do see women wearing heels, I can't help but admire.

[mlroseplant]

I hate it. It has controlled my life. Mainly in the aspect that instead of doing other things I would hide in the house wearing heels. It has been all I think about and has only gotten worse over the years. I use to buy shoes then after a while I guess I would feel guilty and hoping to quit I would through them away. Wow, I had some really nice shoes that I wish I had back. Anyway, I use to race bicycles but I started at a late age. I look back and wonder if I had started as a teenager and did not waste some of those days hiding, maybe I could have Ben a professional. Not a too pro but maybe a mid to lo level. Now I have has to give in. Just wearing in private was not enough. I wanted to live my life not as a woman but as woman do. Get up, put on heels and go to work and go about my day as if I belonged in them. I do that now but sometimes I feel like once again I need more. I see woman wearing open toed help sandals or boots with the pants tucked in and I want that look, even though if I did that I would never look as good as what I see. Even though I have on 4,5 inch boots, I know that if I see a woman that has on heels that i can't wear I am going to have that feeling of my chest being twisted in a knott. I hate it. Why can't my life be normal. I am a good husband. Been married 25 years, have 2 great kids but I am obsessed with heels. I think it is a form of self inflicted brain washing. We have all seen or done something as kids then we have played it out in our heads or thought about it constantly until it has become an obsession that at one point has turned into an unknown sexual experience. I can look back when I was a kid and having an experience with shoes and now I realize I had some sort of arousal from long before I knew what was going on.

I understand this completely. I also consider myself to be a good husband and father, and I have no desire to actually be or become a woman. I have been obsessed with heels and female feet in general since before age 10. While I can't say I hate my obsession with heels and feet, I do wish I wasted less time in general thinking about it.  And also thinking about how, as a man, I cannot pull off the looks/styles I would really like to.  There are many on this forum who will disagree, saying, "Wear what you want!" But let's face it--there is a fine line between having your own style and looking good, and having your own style and looking just outlandish and odd.  Everyone has his (or her) own point of view, but some things just don't look good on the opposite gender.

 

Every once in a while, I'll be momentarily surprised by my appearance in the reflection of a store window, or a video clip someone has taken of me.  It's a momentary realization of how the world actually sees me, which is totally different than how I feel, or how I really want the world to see me.  Overall, I've taken this gender-bender look about as far as I want to go, but there are some things (for me, it's high heels with short shorts) that I'm a bit jealous of the ladies being able to wear without attracting too much undue attention.

[Histiletto]

Boy! If minds were able to be in synchronization, I think it would be here in these postings. If we are not thinking about heels in some way, we'll soon return. We have brainwashed ourselves into this programming, because we have such a desire to have and wear heels, even to an obsession. Our spouses/girlfriends and possibly others may have a kind of inkling as to our mind-set, but I doubt they know the full extent of our daily thoughts for heels. The mere sight of them will ignite such a stream of feelings, we have learned to do two things at once as long as high heels in some way is one of them. Unless you have another theory, I think it has developed because we have had to deny our desire the satisfaction it has needed. Instead we have coward to the social expectations that are actually unrealistic for who we are and this is for all male heelers at whatever stage they are at. It all started with a desire that needed to be satisfied. Once we found how much we wanted and/or needed heeling to be a part of us, we have constantly had to deal with others who are taught that it isn't a guy thing. Obviously somebody doesn't know what guys are made of.

[SleekHeels]

I see woman wearing open toed help sandals or boots with the pants tucked in and I want that look, even though if I did that I would never look as good as what I see.

 

Isn't that exactly what many women feel when they're bombarded with airbrushed images of unattainable perfection? For some women that can be the source of a lot of insecurity, but others shrug it off and feel confident about wearing what they like to wear even if they don't look like a supermodel. In my opinion real women are far more sexy than their idealised media representations, and for us guys who like to wear heels, we should be inspired by their confidence and feel free to shake off our insecurities and discover the freedom to express ourselves.

 

I hate how women pick out heels to wear, and wear them as they please.  I've been out in public a few times, but I wouldn't dare wear them to work.

 

Sure social attitudes impose some bias against guys wearing heels, but I don't see any reason to "hate" that women enjoy greater (but far from total) freedom from bias in wearing heels. Why can't we just share in the joy of anyone who's enjoying wearing their heels? Bitterness isn't going to help us overcome our insecurities and get where we want to be.

 

But let's face it--there is a fine line between having your own style and looking good, and having your own style and looking just outlandish and odd.  Everyone has his (or her) own point of view, but some things just don't look good on the opposite gender.

 

I agree, it is a fine line, but there's a huge diversity of women with all sorts of body shapes and sizes who find fashions that work for them, and as guys we just have to find our place on the fashion spectrum. For sure some styles will always look better/worse on different people, but it's one thing finding out what works or not for us as individuals, another thing if we find a good looking outfit and the "oddness" is simply that it's socially unconventional that it happens to be a guy to be wearing it.

 

Just to be clear, I'm not being critical of what you guys are saying, they're common feelings that are familiar and many of us have to deal with, I'm just saying what works for me for overcoming that. It's really interesting to hear what these challenges mean for other people too, our opinions and experiences are no more or less valid than each others.

 

Unless you have another theory, I think it has developed because we have had to deny our desire the satisfaction it has needed.

 

My experience agrees with that, it is the denial of the desire for heels that was totally self-consuming, and since taking the leap of wearing my heels in public I feel far more in control (but still just as passionate) about heels.

[trickrider1]

OK, I'm with you guys.  I'm in the same camp as for not ever having had a desire to be a woman or look like one, no transgender issues going on, no desire to be feminine,  but once you get below my knees and down to those feet, the women's footwear thing is big. I've been married for over 25 years and have two fairly young children and totally fit all the expectations of a professional person so I'm definitely careful on how much I let the shoe thing be overly visible.   Fortuntately I get along quite well with my daily wear of women's cowboy boots which aren't even feminine looking and my women's sneakers, doc martens, danskos, etc. which all go great with my western cut jeans.  But oh yeah, if I could stomp right out there and wear what I really wanted, there would definitely be those special times when I'd be in some very serious heels.  I love the feel of how a really high heel feels although admittedly I'm not too interested in walking long distances in them. 

 

My wife hasn't really been that much of a heel wearer, but she does love boots and that fits the bill quite well. She had a tragic injury last year (compound ankle fracture) so you can only imagine how that threatens her heel wearing ability.  Several doctors recommended fusing the joint and when I realized that she'd be limited to flat shoes, or worse yet, modified orthopedic shoes and probably couldn't ever even get boots on, not to mention having a permanent limp, I literally blew a fuse.  It was absolutely sickening to even think about it.  However, that particular procedure comes with far too many other problems besides the footwear limitations and we dismissed it entirely as it is an outdated procedure that is ultimately very hard on the rest of the body. Fortunately we sought out a completely different type of treatment and she seems to be on the mend now after five surgeries.  Now, I'm sure I'd have had plenty of concern if not having the "heel gene", but there have been some hugely stressful months in getting her through all of this. However, I've reminded her that the special attention I've always given her feet has probably in this case saved her from being permently disabled by having a fusion.

[AZShoeNut]

Howdy,

 

The psychology behind the heels thing has interested me something fierce for most of my life since I first tried on a pair of heels 27 years ago.  I spent time with therapists, in the library (pre-internet), and a huge chunk of time online.  I have had both good therapists and bad and ultimately I have come to an understanding of just how this thing for heels came to be in my life.  It is a very personal story so I wont post it here.  I have shared it a couple via PM so if it interests you then please feel free to PM me.

 

So, after spending more than half my life trying to figure out why I have a thing for heels I finally have an understanding, all be it a theoretical understanding, of why.  There are a bunch of different theories of how this happens however all of the elements for this theory seem to line up for me.  It was a good feeling to finally get that "click" and be able to say, okay, I get it.  But, and this is a big but, once you understand why you dig heels very little changes.

 

With the exception of one therapist, a nut job herself, all therapists offer you a choice, decide to like it and find a way to celebrate your unique aspect, or try to walk a way from it. Each therapist explains that walking from it is a tough thing to do, similar to "praying the gay away", and thus has recommended that I find a way to really appreciate my thing for heels.

 

An example: http://www.therapywithcare.com/Fetishes.html

 

I have to say, however, that what Histiletto suggested about how having to "hide" the desire as a kid playing a role in making the heel wearing thing into a bigger deal than it needs to be rings true for me.  I know that I was too scared as a kid to tell too many people however I told a few.  The first person I told was my sister when I was in, I am guessing, seventh grade.  She made me feel okay but that was the last that we ever talked about it.  If only I had been caught by somebody who could have helped me to "celebrate" it back then or if my sister had done something like that life would have been a great deal better and I think that I would have been a lot less obsessed.  This is a whole lot of shoulda, coulda, woulda, however.

 

The fact is that whatever psychology is behind our interest in heels, good or bad, the healthiest thing that we can do today is cultivate a positive attitude about our high heel interest and figure out a way to enjoy it and "celebrate".  It is nice to know why but not necessary because you wind up in the same boat in the end - you have to decide to be cool with it.  It is true that it is not an easy thing to do however hanging out here is a good place to get direction.  I love some of the stuff that ILK has written on the subject.  What I have taken from what he, as well as many others, have said is to do what you dig and appreciate yourself enough to not only do what you dig but to defend it too.  I think that sums it up: appreciate yourself enough to do what dig and defend it.  I also think that we find that as we do more of what we dig there winds up being very little need to actually defend it.

 

Best,

Larry