why we wear them-interesting article

[JSpikeheels]

Hello Everybody:

I came across an article in an 'e-zine' referencing the subject: crossdressing and I felt like I had just had a psychoanalysis- this really hit me and I suspect many of you will appreciate the insights offered in this article to help us understand a possible motivation for the why we are so attracted to high heels:

I will copy the article and list the credit/link at the conclusion:

Article begins:

It is not uncommon for men to feel trapped in their own life, especially not when it comes to either identifying or discovering new aspects in their sexuality. And getting out of the trap may not always be easy, especially not if your spouse is not open to this. Simply because getting out of the trap - which is not (although frequently identified as) the same as a mid-life crisis - may bring about some drastic shifts in your life. For both of you, actually.

The most blatent example is the situation where a married men "suddenly" discovers he is either gay or bisxual. This is neither sudden, nor a discovery, but in fact the men in question making room in his head for other, new ideas that he may have suppressed (conciously or not) for a long time. And this does not exactly happen in the area of sexual inclination - but also in other sexually related areas, such as discovering or identifying BDSM-emotions, crossdressing or simply discovering that there are other women as well and that there may be room in your life (and heart) for more than one.

This "life trap" - which is a very typical MALE thing - is something that has not attracted a lot of attention yet. However, it is fair to say that it can be compared to the situationof the woman who, after having raised children, wants to return to an active economic or social life and finds she's way behind in many developments and may not be able to do what she actually wants as a result of previous choices in life (this has as little to do with the meno-pause as the male trap has to do with mid-life crisis, even though all these events may happen more or less in the same period in your life). Both men and women will not be able to escape the trap without dramatic choices in their lives.

It doesn't always have to be dramatic - largely depending on your personal situation. Quite a few people "escape" the trap as a result of other changes in their lives, such as finding a new role and destiny in life though being grandparents, or picking up the study you always wanted to do, or career changes, which - especially for men - are likely to happen between 40 and 50. If you are eligeable for a top-management or board position, it will be around that age. To others however it will be a problem, especially if the trap either is directly related to your sexuality or has a large impact on it.

The strong defense wall

From the male point of view - which is what we are talking about here - the first thing you are likely to run into, is the HUGE defense wall your partner will build up, especially when the "trap" has sexual implecations. Most men, even trying to discuss such subjects, at some point, will have heard the "I am not good enough" argument at some point - and frequently more than once. In lots of cases that and the sound of a slamming front door will also be the last thing they hear, because that is where the relationship ends.

While the men feels he's (trying to be) honest about himself, his partner will feel betrayed and frequently "dumped" and communication is difficult if not entirely impossibe - for a long while and possibly forever. And since the "trap" is not something that has so far been identified very well, finding help or solutions is next to impossible. The two of you will have to sort it out by yourself, one way or another.

This is the time when "affairs" start to happen or when "the internet" comes in - secret virtual meetings in chat rooms, in Internet clubs and many other fora. No, we emphasize it again, THIS IS NOT MID-LIFE CRISIS! It is feeling trapped in your own choices that may not always have been your own and it has nothing to do with hormonal changes or the fact that you are losing hair or virility - even though all that may happen at the same time. The life of most men simply is a long chain of compromizes and choices hat were right at the time but that may turn against him later. Carreer choices, partner choices, financial choices and many others. His prime - self-imposed as a result of social programming - responsibility has always been making money, building and - even more importantly - supporting his family and now that he has done all that he feels he has lost old friends and missed opportunities and discovers that there is more to life than a carreer, financial security and a family to support. His first girlfriend starts to haunt his dreams again, together with old ideas, fishing or hiking trips, the good old sports days and frequently (if he has such a background) the "happy days with his buddies in the army"). All of that of course in a happy and rosy-red perspective.

Looking for footholds

What he is doing is looking for footholds. A combination of three - very important - things:

1. (re)assurance of his choices

2. openings for new possibilities

3. (re)inventing himself

And while he feels alone (since probably no-one will (re)assure him when it comes to his life choices), he feels trapped by the situation he is in - unable to leave his relationship (because he BOTH cannot without severe consequences and probably does not want to), unable to leave his carreer (again because of servere personal and economic consequences and probably not just for himself), physically unable to pick things he used to do (because he's out of condition) and unable to make room for himself (because of the many social, economical and family obligations AND the defense wall).

So, what to do? He'll look for footholds. He eventually probably WILL make room for himself and to him that neither feels like betrayal nor as weakness. In fact, it is very likely he will feel this as an important achievement (in other words the "room" may be cheating on his wife, but it doesn't feel like cheating, it feels like well-deserved personal space).

It doesn't make any sense - if the "trap" is sexually related, regardless in what way - to come up with solutions like: take up a hobby, find an education or go have a beer with your friends. And he isn't exactly Al Bundy either. He feels trapped and wants himself and the trap(s) to be taken seriously, quite often regardless the consequences (in other words: divorce).

The long and painful road

But it gets worse. The trap will become a trap by itself. Hardly any man WANTS a divorce, because it goes against everything he has been taught, everything that has been implanted and as a result anything he (thinks he) stands for. To the vast majority of men divorce equals (self)betrayal. So now that he identified the fact that he feels trapped and tries to find a way out or at least discuss it and find understanding, the trap in itself becomes a new, extra trap.

The only way out - except for the drastic methods, such as divorce - is through a long and painful process of communication. A process that is painful and difficult for both partners - however, also inevitable. If he feels trapped, there will be pain (either the pain of the divorce, the pain of a drastic carreer change or the pain of the communication itself). There is no way to avoid it - if the trap is there: face it!

Is there any general advice? No, not much - except maybe the assumption that the one-on-one, ever lasting, happy couple situation is probably not for everybody. In fact, modern divorce statistics show that the "happily ever after" are in fact a minority and may soon be reduced to a "happy few". On top of that - a lot of aspects of modern society (technological changes, the economic rat race, double income families, the information-overflow and such) only come on top of that and the 1960-slogan "Stop the world, I want to get off" is probably more accurate than ever before.

At the same time: the "traditional relationship" (which in fact isn't that "traditional" at all, but merely an invention that is only 100 years old) is rapidly replaced by a multitude of relationships: gay, lesbian, non-married couples, poly-armory, living groups, deliberate singles, you name it. Meaning that when it comes to the view of what "a relationship" should be is probably (quite rapidly) changing. Some sociologists even argue that the baby-boomers and former hippies only now start to build the type of relationships the stood for back in the 1960s and 70s. Only history will tell if they are right or wrong. Fact is that there are changes and that, if you feel trapped, you'll probably have to do something about it.

Hans Meijer, a Dutch former journalist and government spokesmen, is the chairman for the Powerotics Foundation. This organisation is dedicated to provide quality information about alternative lifestyles.

Article Source: http://EzineArticles.com/?expert=Hans_Meijer

Male Sexuality: Feeling Trapped

By Hans Meijer

Hans Meijer

Level: Basic PLUS

Author, webmaster and fimmaker, active in the sexual and erotic information realm. Meijer is 54, Dutch and has worked as a journalist and government spokesperson ...

Article Word Count: 1511 [View Summary] Comments (0)

Your thoughts and comments are appreciated

JSpikeheels/JIM

[chris100575]

It is an interesting article, but I don't think it applies to me; I've wanted to wear women's shoes for as long as I can remember, it wasn't something I discovered later on in life.

[JSpikeheels]

Hello Chris: with respect to your age I can certainly understand your position; the article seemed careful to note that the ages when a man might feel "trapped" , as it were, usually begin well past the thirties and even, perhaps, the forties. When I was in those years wearing heels was the farthest thing from my mind-but I sure loved to see them on ladies; that has never changed. In my case I was past sixty with a lifetime of choices behind me and, suddenly, with a secure retirement income stream and circumstances of a part-time self employed (courier) position occupying my time now I have the opportunity and the inclination to see how I could "feel the thrill for myself" that I felt vicariously all those years enjoying heels on the ladies.

[Charlie]

I guess I'm a selfish SOB because in my 30's when I felt like indulging in heeling I just did it. It's convenient that my boot preferences happen to easily pass in public, but I can also imagine how tough it must be for those amongst us who are married with families and prefer skirts and strappy stilletos. That's a much tougher sell and my heart goes out to those guys. Charlie

[crotchboots-m]

more psychobabel by some dipstick who dont know diddly..fook him

[JSpikeheels]

after thinking about the article and starting several times to add some comments I decided you are right- however, I will say this: as we go through life we find ourselves making choices that seem to be the right ones at the time...all the choices leave us with are reasons why it is not "proper" for us to be seen in heels in public and we accept those reasons and bury our desires... ...then one day we discover that we have the time and the opportunities to indulge ourselves but we did not expect this and didn't prepare...and this "trap" he speaks of is the opportunity (to wear heels) but the realization that we have not prepared... ...so we suddenly present our wives with this whole other person-unknown to her but to ourselves fully aware of who we have been all these years and who suddenly wants to release the erotic-self who was here all the time but who never revealed himself because his choices never allowed him (to)... ...that's a better description I was reaching for in my original post- we want to wear them but society and responsibilities to work and family make us bury the feelings deep then when we are older and our responsibilities have been met and we want to discover the self we denied we learn that we are still trapped in the expectations of others after all try that Jim

[roniheels]

After reading this article thoroughly, I have some thoughts. I'm sure this person did some extensive research and case studies on this subject. And, I hate to admit it, there are some items in the article that I can relate to in my own personal life. But I disagree that when reaching a certain time in one's life, extraordinary changes occur in one's feelings and sexuality.In the case of wearing feminine high heels, I did not wake up one morning and say to myself, "I think I'll put on a pair of black patent leather pumps with 5" stiletto high heels and go to the grocery store." Yes, as we get older our bodies, minds, and philosophies change about various stages and activities of our life. And everybody goes through some type of "middle-age crazy" at some point in our life. But to say that we are "trapped" by these sudden urges and feelings based on a point where we are at in our lives could be interpreted as a generality that could be applied to any person at any point in one's life. This article could probably have been summed up in this phrase as I have learned, sadly, the hard way in my own personal life: be honest with others but especially yourself. This person almost paints a gloom-and-doom picture of all relationships between men and women based on men feeling "trapped." At 57 years old, yes, my attitudes and opinions have evolved and changed about many things. But my influences aren't from being "trapped" in a lifestyle or relationship. They come from my own personal experiences, preferences, and opinions. And no matter what type of lifestyle or relationship, it is a proven scientific fact that all people do need their own personal time to themselves (the mice all living together in the large cage) or it can become destructive. My opinion is that the author of this article looked at some failed relationships and then tried to apply some textbook scientific generalities to his thesis and proclaimed this to be the norm. I want to thank JSpikeheels for sharing this article with us.

[CassieJ]

This might be true for some but for may of us, I see it like this... Shoes are just an article of clothing. High Heels are designed as pieces of art you can wear. A certain percentage of women have a real attraction to them. Why do people think it odd that a similar percentage of men are attracted to them? The reality is, they are shoes. There is no physical difference between the feet of men and women that make them an item specifically designed for one sex (like a bra or panties). It is only society that says they are for women only. This being the case, I happen to be one of those men that love them. That I am driven to wear them just as many women are should be no surprise. I love the look and feel of them. If tomorrow society decided that heels are for both men and women, I bet a similar number of men would eventually wear them. It's not a case of being in a trap as described in the article. The trap in this case is society's restrictive rules about what men are allowed to wear. I choose to ignore their rules and do what makes me happy. Not everyone can do this.

[roniheels]

It's not a case of being in a trap as described in the article. The trap in this case is society's restrictive rules about what men are allowed to wear. I choose to ignore their rules and do what makes me happy. Not everyone can do this.

Well said. The author of this article ignored this fact and tried to put every male into one category at a certain point in one's life. There never seemed to be any positive feelings toward the males described in this article.