Im a mess!

[hebbler]

As I read through this thread I can't believe my good fortune. As long as I can remember I've had a foot and shoe fetish. Before I got married I was always attracted to women who had pretty feet and liked to wear sexy heels (particularly with bare legs - which used to be the exception to the rule). My wife picked up on my fetish pretty quickly after we met and began getting pedicures and wearing sexy, revealing shoes to "turn me on". How could you not fall in love with somebody like that? After we became empty nesters a number of years ago she bought me my first pair of heels because she wanted me to enjoy the thrill of wearing sexy shoes too. Things have develped to the point where I normally have an inventory of at least half a dozen pairs of heels (4" to 5"), mostly mules or strappy sandals. I also like to have a pair of black, toe cleavage pumps if I can find them for a change of pace. My wife participates in the purchasing of all my heels either on line or through retail outlets. She has also been instrumental in puchasing foot and ankle jewlery, capri pants, mini skirts and sexy shorts that we both enjoy as complimentary items to my heels. I only dress up in the privacy of our home and I'm free to wear whatever I want whenever I want. Like to wear my heels with no nylons although I will occassionally wear fish nets with my pumps. I keep my feet looking attractive with pedicures and keep my nails buffed or polished with clear or a very pale shade of nail polish. As I said at the beginning - I'M SO VERY LUCKY TO BE IN MY SITUATION!!

[Dr. Shoe]

Hi to all, new to this forum. First of all, Im a guy. I know that pretty heels and guys dont mix to most of the public, but I cant help myself. I know Im not gay, and Im only attracted to women. I have been torn with this since my childhood. I am a closet dresser and dont really wear heels in public that much. I have successfully on a few occasions. I do not want to live my life as a woman. Wearing heels and skirts are a big turn on for me and I cant help it. The heels more than the skirts. I am married to a woman whom I love very much and do not want to hurt her or our marriage. She does not know that I dress. If she ever found out, it would = instant divorce, so I keep it to myself and never consider coming out to her. After surfing on this forum for a while, guess theres alot more guys out there that suffer from this than one would realize. As a man, I have no feminine features. If anyone ever seen me dressed, they would see a man in a dress and heels. What an ugly sight. I only wear my skirts at home, and sometimes heels in public when I think I can go unnoticed. I have purged many times, but cant help but doing the same old thing again. Where I live, I will never be accepted as that men that crossdress are ridiculed and made fun of. Around here, its ok if women put on a pair of guy shoes, or guy jeans, or guy shirts, but better not be a man wearing anything fem. I wish I could take the desire to dress out of myself and be just like any other normal guy, but I cannot do that. I hope that someday, I will be able to find peace within myself. I am being very honest with everyone about myself and just trying to make sense of all this and do not intend to offend anyone, male or female.

Same here except that my wife knows. She isn't too keen but at least she is aware of it and it isn't a major issue. My daughter on the other hand thinks it's way kewl!

[jwhite44]

...Wearing heels and skirts are a big turn on for me and I cant help it. The heels more than the skirts. ... If she ever found out, it would = instant divorce, so I keep it to myself and never consider coming out to her...

Is there any room for compromise? I'm hearing a lot of can'ts:

- you can't help dressing help

- she can't accept you doing it.

If there's no compromise, then likely either one of two things happen:

- if you don't stop, then at some point she'll find out, with it sounds like lousy results

- if you do stop, you might feel lousy all the time (like losing a limb), with your wife wondering perhaps why you're always depressed.

I can understand your wife not liking your dressing up, but is it that bad that she'd be willing to throw away your marriage? Likewise, is your dressing up that important that you're willing to risk it?

I think a lot of people are right, it that it may not necessarily be the dressing up that makes her most upset, but rather the lying about or hiding of it if she finds out on her own. That potentially puts every action you've ever had (or will have) under scrutiny. That's a horrible way to live.

I think your best approach is to try to get ahead of it. In terms of practical suggestions, I think a men's shoe with a heel is a start, maybe something like this: http://www.amazon.com/dp/B0009BGW2K/ref=nosim/?tag=nextag-apparel0c-mp-delta-20&creative=380333&creativeASIN=B0009BGW2K&linkCode=asn

They are listed as having almost a 2" heel, which is significant. If it's not a style you normally wear, you can say, "I wanted to try something different". If you introduce them to her first, even then if she finds your clothing collection, you can honestly say, "I was trying to see what your reaction would be to me wearing heeled shoes."

If you absolutely believe that she'd leave if she found out, that I can't see how you can get any enjoyment at all dressing up. If you still do it, a non-professional assessment would be that you an addict: doing actions you know will hurt others and your relationship, but unable to stop. If that is the case, then like any other addition, I'd hope your spouse would be supportive. However, if you classify it as an addiction, then that sort of implies you want to stop it, but you just need some help. I'm not sure that's what you are looking to do.

I hope that some of the words you found here at HHP, either mine or others, will help you find a solution that works for you.

[HHfanatic]

My life experience is that sometimes you have to give up something to get something else. The question is; Are you ready to give up something to get something else? If you are lucky, and your woman has a lot of common sense, you dont have to give up anything this time. But you have to accept to loose...that is a part of life. The good thing about loosing something, is the chances for get something better in the future is big. So if you go all the way, and you loose this time, look at it as planing for the future and that this is what you have to do to win next time. Wish you the best..:-)

[Iwearheels]

I get the message that everyone is trying to tell me. I dont want to ruin my family. I dont want to be unhappy all the time either. I wish I could forever purge be a normal guy. The family is more important. I am happy being a man, and do not want to live as a woman. I like and enjoy wearing high heels. I dont desire to dress out in public. For these reasons, I keep my heeling very low key. Right now, I only own one pair. They are well concealed. It is not impossible for her to find out, but very unlikely. I dont think I am being a dishonest person, as I have never cheated on her or even considered it. I have had the opportunity. If she ever finds out, I will deal with it then. If she really loves me, she will stay and we will work thru it. For now, I am content to keep things the way they are. It can be deppressing sometimes, but nothing I cant live with. Life is not always fair. I accept that.

[Dr. Shoe]

I'm inclined to think that your wife might be a lot more understanding than you might suppose...

[dww]

Life was hell for a while after she found out, but here we are eight years later still together and happy, she is well aware of my thoughts but the subject has never been spoken about since. Thats the way it has to be, so be it. she found out by me drinking to much one night, fell asleep downstairs wearing my favorite shoes, daughter came down and found me asleep in my heels, then all hell let loose, would not advise it. Now my daughter, mum and sisters all know, they don't seem to care, but girlfriend still strongly dissapproves.

[Bubba136]

What happened to "wife?"

[Bootking]

I wish I could forever purge be a normal guy. The family is more important. I am happy being a man, and do not want to live as a woman. I like and enjoy wearing high heels. I dont desire to dress out in public.

Have you tried counseling? There are some excellent professionals out there that can make a positive difference. The downside is that you have to beware of the crackpots.

[Iwearheels]

Just wanted to thank everyone for sharing there thoughts and ideas on my situation. I have been thinking heavily the last few days on what everyone has shared with me. It is in my best interest to shy away from life in heels. I have alot to lose. If I were to be found out, much would be lost. I am not willing to take that kind of risk. I know I will never be accepted by my wife, family, or in the community where I live. If they knew I wore heels, I would be labeled some sick freak homosexual and theres nothing I could do to change that. I am not gay. You all have helped me to understand that many other straight guys like me also wear heels. The more I read on this forum, the more I want to wear heels, and that is not healthy for me since it leads me deeper and deeper. So, the best thing for me to do is to back away. Nobody on here has offended me in anyway, and have given heartfelt advice. This will be my last post. I will read respones for the next few days, but that will be the end of it for me. Best wishes to everyone on the forum.

[Bubba136]

I sure hope you are successful in repressing the desire to wear heels. If you do, you are a better man than I. Good luck and I really wish you well.

[Arctic]

Plenty of people will advise you here that it is not possible to change yourself or "get rid of it" or many of the variants to this theme. I do not subscribe entirely to that notion, but there is certainly some truth in it. My recommendation, if you need one more, is to figure out exactly where the boundaries lie. What matters a lot, what matters less, what you cannot change, what you might be able to compromise on, and what you may be able to obtain through negotiation with your wife. That may take quite a while and a lot of self reflection. But still I think it is key to manage a potentially explosive situation. In a way, it is not unlikely planning a business move or a war scenario: what are your assets, where are you strong, where are they weak etc. An example of what it may mean: I used to think that what I wanted from it was to be able to get dressed at home just like I usually do but then including the high heeled boots (which is my thing). And then get out, get in the car, go to work, do shopping, do whatever I do. I was expecting my partner to be supportive as much as I would support her in a similar situation. Fast forward a few years later: wife does not want to be exposed to this and demands that her surroundings (family and more importantly friends) do not get exposed to it either. That is non-negotiable and it seemed for a while like a dead end street. After some reflection I learned that I wanted support from my wife because I was still in the self-confirmation phase (this is ok, I am not a freak, I am not gay and what have you) but that has long passed since. I am self-confident enough that I no longer need to be told that it is ok, looks good, or not so good, etc. I let my own taste be the judge. Also, I only have a few favourite styles: blade boots, western boots, pointy or square toe. Heel height range for me is narrowly defined between 3 1/2" and 4 1/4". Material needs to be leather. Color: black, brown, tan, cognac, bordeaux. No exceptions. I no longer need the feedback to figure out what I want. And I know now as well that it really is totally acceptable society wise, if you are smart and confident. Result: it is nowadays easy to buy boots, as I know what I want. It is easy to wear them, as I know nobody gives a damn, as long as there is no feedback loop to my wife. I can wear them almost whenever I want without having to compromise. I store quite a few of them in the garage, and change into them when I get into my car going somewhere. It would be very easy to get "caught", but as I am fulfilling my wife's request of "not exposing her" I feel no problem doing so, as she actively looking for them no longer falls under "exposing". So if she bumps into them (she maybe has?) I say that I simply honor her request. Moreover... my requrements have also drifted a little, in the sense that I picked up the western style 3-4 years ago, and now have quite a few custom western boots with heels between 3 and 4" which I wear when I am with her. They are already pretty satisfying and she is ok. So we ended up midway: my wife appeared accepting more than she thought and it was not about the heel height but the femininity, so I can wear pretty hot 4 inchers without trouble. I can wear more stylish (=not made for men) boots if I want to on weekly basis, but then I have to be just a little more considerate. And that is fine. I travel around the world almost on weekly basis, and apart from thorough questioning in Tel Aviv airport security I have never had any issue anywhere. I travel booted anywhere in the civilized world and almost everywhere else, the notable exceptions being Arab countries and some super macho cultures in South East Asia and Latin America. So I got almost what I wanted, she got what she wanted, and we are more than 10 years together with no trouble in this regard. It seemed a lot less promising at some point. Summarum: figure out in detail what you want, figure out what she wants and see what you can get. It may be more than you expected and enough to live happily ever after.

[Bootking]

Arctic, I cannot agree with you more. If you paint everything in black and white (absolute no and absolute yes) then you will most likely get that type of answer back. But in reality, most situations ARE NOT absolutes, and like life, there are many, many shades of grey.

My wife doesn't like the heeling thing at all; every so often I remind her that you married me that way, knowing all! She would like it to go away, but as it hasn't (and won't), she just fusses a little and that's it. Limited heels at home for her is tolerable.

For my lifestyle, I heel publicly when she's not around and I'm not around people I know as that works for me.