Family Help

[new_look]

my family are unaware of my heeling for those who dont know already. During a recent visit to my mums house, she mentioned that my jeans looked a little long and could use turning up. I said that with my shoes on they would be fine, to which she quizzed 'are you wearing stilettos or something' I said that actually i was and asked her why i shouldnt, to which he started heavily laughing, and making gay gestures, and saying i would be a 'puff' if i did so. I have to say the reaction really hurt my feelings. I felt like having an argument as to why not but i didnt feel like it in front of her boyfriend and my little sister. It isnt that first time i tried to break some ice. The time before i got a similar reaction, and she thought i was playing a big joke on her. Im stuck as to where to go. Its realy the only family/friends advance i have made and i keep getting knocked back. Any suggestions....help

[shyguy]

If you need to tell her, you need to do it one to one, to save any embarassment for you both in front of others. It's a difficult one, your family are the people you can always turn to (and often need to), so you are going to need a lot of tact. You need o be prepared for the possibility she can not accept it too. But in all honesty, you are the one who knows best how your relationship with your mum is, and also how well/badly she may take it. All the advice you get here won't really help much as we don't know your mum.

[new_look]

in all honesty she is a stubborn woman with a pretty tough wall when it comes to breaking her idea of things. My relationship with my mum is not good anyway since she split with my dad 5 years ago, but besides the point. I dont really want to sit down with her and explain, because it sounds like im doing something wrong or to be ashamed of. In reality i would rather her know and either turn her back in revolt or accept, and then i can react accordingly when it comes to the subject with her, because i can cope if i have to aviod her. I practically have done since the divorce, but the concept of my own mother so snappily rejecting my feelings sort of hurts. i understand what you mean though, and thanks for your reply daz

[Bubba136]

No need to avoid answering the question. No need to discuss it. If it comes to your mother's wanting to ridicule you, just let her know that it is your business and if she thinks you are "gay," tell her to talk to Jade. And, then let it go and get on with being yourself regardless of her liking or disliking it. By the way you reported her reaction, it doesn't appear that she has much regard for you. Perhaps she's more interested in "showing her ass' to impress her "new boyfriend" than she is concerned about your feelings or mental well-being.

[shyguy]

If it's truly a case of you can cope if you fall out with her, go for "kill or cure" turn up there in your preferred footwear, and maybe even flaunt it a bit. if she reacts badly, or well, you will be enlightened as to her views. But this is only if you can live with the consequences of either reaction. Weigh it up, is your mother knowing about and accepting your heels as important to you as all that? The answer is within you, look inside and see what your heart tells you to do. A hard one to deal with, I can only guess how hard.

[Heelfan]

Hello Daz! If you really want to "Break the ice" and "come out of the closet" with your Mother, instead of just trying to tell her about your heels (which she turns into a joke), just do as Shyguy says by catching her on her own and actually wearing them in front of her. Then she's got to take you seriously. Talk to Firefox. He did just that years ago. His mum accepted his heels quite quickly, but although his dad took a lot longer, he eventually accepted them too and now they're both fine about it which is a great state of affairs. It's great if you get to Firefox's stage when you can wear heels in the company of your family instead of guiltily skulking around them and keeping it a secret. Well, obviously you have done that with Jade, so why not grasp the nettle with your Mum and family. How did you first broach the subject with Jade, and what did she say? Cheerfully yours, Heelfan

[mk4625]

Im stuck as to where to go. Its realy the only family/friends advance i have made and i keep getting knocked back.

It is now a question of whether or not your mom believed you. If she did, then you have little to lose if you show them to her or wear them in front of her. However I think it would have been wiser to have avoided that situation.

I feel that this sort of thing should only be divulged on a need-to-know basis. Your wife or a girlfriend you want to keep needs to know, obviously. In that case the sooner the better. Other family members who are visited only infrequently don't. From what I understood, you do not wear women's footwear at all times. Therefore there is no need to explain anything. You shouldn't make trouble for yourself unnecessarily.

[new_look]

I was avoiding trouble as you said, good way to address it. I dont want to tell my dad just yet, because i live with him, and our relationship can be a little strange as it is, so i dont want to make things uncomfortable between us. he will find out when i move out or some time around, because it wont matter so much. Thanks for the replies anyway, i just feel like i would like more people to know, but i dont wanna lose people over it if i can avoid telling them in the first place. daz

[FGWJON]

daz,how are you?i can quite sympathise with you....i have not got round to telling my family yet but went round to mothers the other day in three inch wedge heel boots......she and stepfather were there (he can be quite a biggot with his opinions)...went in sat down to dinner,wandered about,even took the dog for a walk,with no reaction from them at all,made no attempt to hide the heels,but at the same time did not draw attention to them either.I know you like stilleto heels but perhaps wearing something more subtle first may do the trick,then progress from there,seems to work for me.....let me know how you get on.......

[pdrk]

There are, I think, a number of issues here; acceptance by others, fear of failure and fear of being laughed at. On top of this one needs to decide if it's an urge or desire that won't go away. Acceptance by others and fear of being laughed, escpecially family, are to some of us a major difficulty. Nobody I know likes to be laughed at and we all want to be accepted. On top of this if one is driven to wear heels as others are driven to, say, crossdress, then it won't go away. This leaves one with the hang-ups mentioned above. There is no easy way but there are several approaches and they will work differently for different people in different situations. I'd like to say be logical about it but that has never helped me. With a spouse or SO then the fear from them may be that you're turning gay. Talking helps. Taking small steps helps (especailly in 5" heels LOL). Being honest, whilst very difficult when you're frightened, will lead to an outcome where you will be able to wear heels albeit not necessarily with the same partner. If you have no current partner then it's only family and friends. Think this: how accepting have you been in the past, are not most of these things that come up just nine day wonders? Of course the other option is to leave heels to fancy dress parties. Arggggh. Be bold, be bold; in everything be bold.

[pdrk]

Daz, Read the topic 'I've only gone and done it'

[NikkiHH]

I wrote the 'i've only gone and done it..." message, and that was a probably a slightly different situation (in vino veritas). My girlfriend, while still not entirely happy, is very broad minded and in time will hopefully be accepting. But even so it still is and was a shock - it is something different and some people find it hard to accept things that are different. Case in point - mixed race marriages and offspring (such as me and a friend of mines case) were very unusual and in my paternal grandparents generation (she is 90 or so and english) it was not the done thing. Now with all the advances in race relations and people not being bound or bothered by petty things like skin colour, society is far more accepting. I think it is probably social conditioning and older generations may find it hard to accept that a guy might want to do something like wear heels, but as people start doing their own thing more and more often and not having to conform to social norms (and the scandal sheets/celeb mags stop dictating what we must all wear or think) will society be far more tolerant in this generation and hopefully latter ones. Like Daz, I would like to be more open but after coming out to my girlfriend I can't help wondering if I made the right decision or have I just thrown into jeapordy they past two amazing years? Something she said to me last night - time is a great healer.

[Bubba136]

Coming out" to your girlfriend is a whole lot easier than "coming out" to your wife. You proffered, in your best light, a commitment to convince your wife to marry you. She analyzed your offer on the basis of your personality, behavior, compatibility, and several other aspects as she's witnessed throughout your relationship. Revealing this behavior after she has accepted your commitment based on factors she knew at the time would tend to underline her concern that she based her decision upon incomplete and faulty information. Although you didn't come right and out lie to her, your failure to furnish complete information in advance of your marriage, will emphasize her feeling of "what else" haven't you told her about yourself? As I've previously commented on this forum, there are instances reported here where the woman hasn't been able to cope with the revelation and departed, post haste. This development can get very messy, especially if there are children involved. My own personal experience and almost 6 years of discussing this subject here, on Jenny's website and in Jenny's chat room, reinforce my belief that any man that wears high heels must (emphasize must) tell any prospective life-mate about this as soon as it becomes obvious you have hopes that your relationship will become permanent. This way she will have an opportunity to fully analyze her feelings about you, your unusual proclivities and determine what affect it will have on any future you might have together.

[new_look]

i agree, and i have told jade and she will help me where she can, but family is my hurdle as is friends at the minute

[aussieheels]

good luck Daz..... although i can't really offer much advice as i'm in the position wear my wife does not know and am currently considering and weighing up the consequences of coming out to her (i've stopped for a fair few years thinking i can get over wearing heels but have realise now that it's not possible)..... as much as i would like my parents and friends to accept my heels wearing, i don't think i will ever let them know - no reason to upset the parents (although it is a life choice but it's not as life defining as being gay or something) and i don't think my mateship with my friends will ever be the same if they know ..... however i agree with Bubba that my wife deserve to know..... sorry to hi jack your thread a tiny bit.... just envious of what you have with your gf. The only advice i can give is that evaluate whether you really have to tell your parents, athough acceptance is great but there must be other personal things you do that your parents don't know about and may never tell them....

[Phoenix764]

i agree, and i have told jade and she will help me where she can, but family is my hurdle as is friends at the minute

Daz,

You said in your original post that your relationship with your mom was not good right now. Her reaction to your attempt is something only you can judge, but if it was ridicle, callous, or demeaning in anyway than I agree with the other member that said there is no reason to share this part of your life with her. If your mom is insensitive, and abusive to you, then there is no reason to go back expecting a change, when all you will get is a slap in the face. I'm not saying this applies to you ( it does apply to me), but if it does I'd seek counselling and not speak to your mom again. The term for that type of parent is Toxic Parent. I wish you the best with Jade, and hope that whatever happens with family doesn't hurt you.

[Bubba136]

Toxic Parents! All of the parents that I've known that exhibit those characteristics are really disappointed in their own lives and see their children as being or becoming more successful than they are. Consequently, they express feelings of their own inferiority by ridicule, verbal abuse or, in many cases, physical abuse. Most of the time its useless trying to get them to recognize the harm they've done or are doing to their children. So, the difficulty really lies in getting them to recognize this attribute and taking corrective action.

[Phoenix764]

Bubba, If the troublesome person ( family member included) doesn't recognize that they have a problem and/or is unwilling to deal with it; you're really left with only a few options: try to set boundaries with that person and stay away with the trouble areas ( this may or may not work), continue to take the abuse and get years of therapy ( expensive, but may be necessary), or reduce/limit if not eliminate contact with this person ( if someone constantly hurts you, how many times are you going to put yourself back in the same position to get hurt over and over again?) I know of a case that is a combination of abuse and personallity conflict that has gone on for over 20 years, to the point where the son hates the mother - and reconcilliation will only happen when one of them is 6' underground.

[Bubba136]

Reconcilliation or relief, Phoneix?

[bob2hh]

Dear Daz, I guess that if your mum really loves you, as long as she realizes that in heels or not you are still the very same person, she should end up accepting it. A good point should be to show her that, after all, they are only shoes. Regards, Robert.

[Phoenix764]

Reconcilliation or relief, Phoneix?

It's a sad case bubba. What should they relationship be vs. what it actually is. I'd guess if I was in that situation, it would be a bit of both. Relief from pain of the relationship, and guilt and pain that the relationship never got better.

[sscotty727]

It's not always a clean cut they accept/don't accept either. My wife knew my passion for heels before we got married and now lets me wear heels, but still has anxiety attacks every now and then where she all of a sudden starts to have a problem with it. She is very supportive and lets me buy and wear them, but I still think it bothers and embarrasses her for me to wear them out, especially at work or around friends/family. When we do go out and I am in my heeled boots, she notices all the people that look and I don't. Maybe over time it will calm down, but I wouldn't be surprised if she is always that way. I guess we will have to work on compromises of what we are both comfortable with. Scotty

[Bubba136]

Scotty wrote:

My wife knew my passion for heels before we got married

At least you did the right thing by telling her before you got married. She had a choice. And, even though she probably thought she could "make you forget" about them after you were married, she can't say that you hid your wearing heels by not telling her before she decided to marry you.

[sscotty727]

At least you did the right thing by telling her before you got married.

Yep, and she initially broke up with me over it but then decided she loved me too much to let it come between us. You are right, initially she tried to make me get rid of the heels and forget them. That worked for a small amount of time, but I kept coming back to them. Over the years she has accepted them. The two things she is most stressed out over now is 1) my wearing obvious shoes in front of our girls and 2) me wearing heels in public. The later she goes back and forth on, but she insists it can't be obvious.

Scotty