Mind Help Heels Are Taking Too Much Place In My Life

[jim102]

:furious: Hello. Many of you have posted in my sex-therapist thread and others and it is great. I had had one time to wear high heel boots and time to feel bad about it. Some say I do not accept myself in heels. Anxiety is reflecting reactions from me and others.

 

 

Many things I think let me still in trouble. My mind attitude actually is a vicious negative circle.

 

 

I saw three women wearing black court shoes. It makes me angry the fact I do not see very often women wearing black closed court shoes. I find women are innocent and do not know what they want. They have pretty shoes and they prefer not wear them at all! Many of women do not because of the pain and it is half true but it is not acceptable for me! One day it will be men that will wear them if it continues like that.

 

Another thing is a man in heel it is not normal from society view. It should be normal because it is not fair that women can wear black court shoes with no problems! It should be same for men!

 

Sometimes I say myself: If I could be a woman I would wear heels everyday because I wanna enjoy what is not enough enjoyed!

 

 

I would like the society changeand become more fair. I would like to see more women in black court shoes. I would like to see myself wearing them and not be considering myself to be the only man in heels in my town. It is like I heard about few other men wear heels but I never see them.

 

Men are a bit like me. They are affraid and wait for nothing. I would like to see at least 1 or 2 men in heels in my town but it is impossible. Why other men are too shy? Why it is a small minority of men and not more like in United States?

 

 

I figure out you are living in a paradise men in heels in US. Compared to Canada. Canadians are not enough evolved like americans! Sometimes we learn about few articles in the web but not enough to start a majority of men in heel except your Lucky country with it`s ( walk a mile in her shoes).

 

 

Thank you for your great help until now and if you know other people having the same anxious problems like me just let me know!

[ilikekicks]

 

Another thing is a man in heel it is not normal from society view. It should be normal because it is not fair that women can wear black court shoes with no problems! It should be same for men!

 

I would like the society changeand become more fair. I would like to see more women in black court shoes. I would like to see myself wearing them and not be considering myself to be the only man in heels in my town. It is like I heard about few other men wear heels but I never see them.

 

Men are a bit like me. They are affraid and wait for nothing. I would like to see at least 1 or 2 men in heels in my town but it is impossible. Why other men are too shy? Why it is a small minority of men and not more like in United States?

 

 

I figure out you are living in a paradise men in heels in US. Compared to Canada. Canadians are not enough evolved like americans! Sometimes we learn about few articles in the web but not enough to start a majority of men in heel except your Lucky country with it`s ( walk a mile in her shoes).

 

Dunno if your in Quebec or not, but men DO wear heels out and about. You have read about the Jaunts, Shafteds pics at the theater he works in, Rockpup rockin-it-out in Florida, Bluejay Covering Western N.Y. , Myself out in the ' small town '. Men DO in fact wear heels and wear them wherever they wish to. Theres nothing ' unfair ' about it. We make a choice and go about our day.

 

As for Canadians not being ' evolved ', I used to visit the Canadian side of Niagara Falls weekly to get BBQ'ed ribs. I NEVER had any problems with any Canadians. They never said anything negative nor demeaning towards myself or anyone I was with. Outside of not having Lord Stanleys cup in the last 20ish years..

 

If you want to see 1 or 2 men around your town in heels, take the initiative and be one of them. Set an example.

[jim102]

The problem with me is I am too much anxious. When I got discovered I got traumatized by the behavior of three folks where I live. Since that I am not respectful towards my father and the mother-in-law and the brother. I take anxiety drug but it is so big to deal with it. It was good to reduce my anxiety for wearing heel for the first time and after that this is another story. I think  it is too much hard for me I will have to reduce my stress. Finding another home to stay far from my town which is outside quebec city. Finding also a stability in my life for working. I wanna live far from those three stupid people. Once it will be changed maybe I could wear heels at long time. Now I am unable to do anything and I have  almost finished my Professional training.

 

 

I figure out I am the only guy here who stresses too much for nothing in this forum! I have an obsession against foots and sandals and I really hate women in summer. I always check what they are wearing and most of time it is very ugly.

 

 

In two Veronica`s store it has kaysan black leather closed heels and there are at least one man seller. When I go there I go touch them and leave and I always see many many men and groups of men there outside commercial centre and it make me scary!

 

 

On eBay I have a wonderful list of heels but I do not order them because I will receive questions from the three people and my 17 years old brother knows all my hiding places. He can search if he suspect something.

 

 

So that is the reason of why I stay anxious like that. I believe you when you tell me it has no problems but in my own mind there is a lot of worries. I know noone can help me. I have to change my life before thinking of heels again. It is always the same things I have by thinking too much!

 

I am gonna try to stop complaining here to disturb you.

[saudade]

The problem with me is I am too much anxious. When I got discovered I got traumatized by the behavior of three folks where I live. Since that I am not respectful towards my father and the mother-in-law and the brother. I take anxiety drug but it is so big to deal with it. It was good to reduce my anxiety for wearing heel for the first time and after that this is another story. I think  it is too much hard for me I will have to reduce my stress. Finding another home to stay far from my town which is outside quebec city. Finding also a stability in my life for working. I wanna live far from those three stupid people. Once it will be changed maybe I could wear heels at long time. Now I am unable to do anything and I have  almost finished my Professional training.

 

...

 

I am gonna try to stop complaining here to disturb you.

 

I think there are a few issues here, I'll try to address them one by one. 

 

First up, don't worry at all about wearing heels until you are out on your own. It will just keep rolling over in your head. Don't do it it isn't productive and can send you down a negative spiral.

 

Second, and this is the one that takes time and realization, start reading some buddhist principles on attachment as well as stoicism (specifically Marcus Aurelius and his not quite a book Meditations).

 

The key thing to remember here is nobody will accept males wearing say stilettos, until we force them to. Doesn't mean there aren't repercussions to doing so, as an example I never wear anything but "guy" shoes to work. Not because I don't think people could accept it, but for career advancement opportunities its simpler to appear "normal".

 

Outside of work, if they have issues screw em not my problem. As a early 20 year old in some ways I envy you more, the younger girls are way more accepting of things like this. Stupid example, I met a poly 22 year old last week and she was basically fine with the whole thing and didn't seem to care. Was more impressed with me being able to wear them at all.

 

So start from there, like in the matrix don't approach the problem as: "society doesn't accept men in stilettos". While this is true to an extent, its also inconsequential. Be the change you want to see in the world. Basically, and not sure if this will translate (my french is atrocious sorry) do not try to bend the spoon, that is impossible, realize the truth, there is no spoon.

 

This applies here too, if you want to wear stilettos outside like women, do it or don't. If you don't make changes in your life to allow it to happen. Be unafraid of being the center of attention and getting laughs, but most importantly realize that the people that laugh or antagonize are the ones with the problem.

 

Hopefully that came out ok, have a splitting headache and sore throat. Back to my electric blanky.

[jim102]

Ok I see but how would you react when it is people you know or family member? It is that thing that is very scarying!

 

I was wrong with the two stores. It is verona not Veronica. Verona from veronashoes.com. They have two stores in my town.

 

 

One with men and one with a man and woman. I prefer asking to a woman. I was affraid of two guys in verona store and in labaie store. Both guys were not a problem I was worried for nothing. They said nothing and I talked with the guy at labaie. Respectful !

 

 

You see a group of 6-9 men who enter in a commercial centre. Imagine yourself in heels! OUCH!

 

Men make me scary!

 

When I was wearing my heel boots I was paying so much attention to others. I should not!

 

It is hard when you begin heeling but need to get used to. Otherwise nothing is supposed to stop you and I envy those who succeded!

 

All troubles for a simple pair of shoes! I have to work hard on myself if I want to get more (thrusting myself). I know I could be audacious!

 

 

 

 

[Shafted]

Ok I see but how would you react when it is people you know or family member? It is that thing that is very scarying!

 

Yes, it's scary. Start with your friends first. If they are your friends, they'll understand.

 

If it's any consolation, I haven't "come out" out my style to my immediate family yet. I just dress "conservatively" around them. If they find out, so what, I'll deal with it then.

 

You see a group of 6-9 men who enter in a commercial centre. Imagine yourself in heels! OUCH!

 

Men make me scary!

 

When I was wearing my heel boots I was paying so much attention to others. I should not!

 

It is hard when you begin heeling but need to get used to. Otherwise nothing is supposed to stop you and I envy those who succeded!

 

All troubles for a simple pair of shoes! I have to work hard on myself if I want to get more (thrusting myself). I know I could be audacious!

This is where self confidence is the key. This is where self-confidence is good with a little bit of attitude thrown in. It appears that you already know this.

[saudade]

Ok I see but how would you react when it is people you know or family member? It is that thing that is very scarying!

 

I was wrong with the two stores. It is verona not Veronica. Verona from veronashoes.com. They have two stores in my town.

 

 

One with men and one with a man and woman. I prefer asking to a woman. I was affraid of two guys in verona store and in labaie store. Both guys were not a problem I was worried for nothing. They said nothing and I talked with the guy at labaie. Respectful !

 

 

You see a group of 6-9 men who enter in a commercial centre. Imagine yourself in heels! OUCH!

 

Men make me scary!

 

When I was wearing my heel boots I was paying so much attention to others. I should not!

 

It is hard when you begin heeling but need to get used to. Otherwise nothing is supposed to stop you and I envy those who succeded!

 

All troubles for a simple pair of shoes! I have to work hard on myself if I want to get more (thrusting myself). I know I could be audacious!

 

The answer to what I do is simple. Nothing.

 

The answer to what I do when my family finds out: will decide that if/when I need to. If its that big of a deal and a problem, well to be honest they can learn to deal with it. It isn't even close to things like saying I'm gay/bisexual/etc... If they can't get over something this insignificant, maybe i'm better off without. Sounds cruel maybe but honestly if your own family can't accept you for what you are without labeling you, whats the point? Mine is already on thin ice due to other issues so maybe I'm biased.

 

As to specifically what do I do if I see 6-9 guys in a public space, the same as if I'm wearing chucks. Look over, maybe nod, move on with life. If they choose to make it an issue then I'll deal with that then. Worrying needlessly about "what ifs" is not a healthy way to live. I've been laughed at WAY more than anything approaching threats. To be honest most of the time its either girls that are impressed I can walk in heels so well, or guys doing the same, or laughter from the peanut gallery. The latter phases me absolutely zero now. Laugh it up, at least I'm being true to myself, they can have fun painting me any way they want. Not my problem.

 

I do want to re-iterate though, the first and/or best thing you need to do is get out from your parents/siblings control/influence. If you want to be your own person, whether that means wearing heels, or dresses, or skirts, or corsets, or I don't know whatever, you need to do that from a place where you can do it without the threat of retaliation. From there confidence is up to you to build.

[Dr. Shoe]

It's all to do with comfort zones. Just push the envelope a little bit more each day and before long your comfort zone will get so big there won't be anything you can't do.

[jim102]

Ok Dr.Shoe. All I have to do is to make an effort often and fear will be over! Of course I heard laugh of me and two family members against my heel fetish but like many of you here with the sex-therapist and with few women sellers many people still have an old mentality about men in heels. They were always used to associate things with others. More of them do not know hetero men in heels. The fact is they do not know us enough and they believe their own reality from education. But they do not know all for sure their associations are completely false! They have an old mentality with ton of prejudices. If they would be enough numberous to open their eyes they would know that their thinkings are stupidities learnt from bad educated manners!

 

Why should I let them influence me? I am thinking liars too seriously and I have the choice to follow their stupid mind or mine! The truth they do not know and they refuse to admit. What will happen if I wear heels? Nothing! I will not screw off my life like my dad thinks! Consequences he thinks and other folks are not totally true!They have their opinions about negative feedbacks and  negative consequences are not going to happen exactly  like they say!

 

 

Also I do not understand what saudade means when he talked about family. His English is hard to translate into french.  His first paragraph after the answer to that is simple. Nothing

 

It begins by: (The answer to what I do when family finds out... until I am biased)

 

And his expression with the spoon I do not get it!

 

 

Rest I get it

 

 

Thank you for your support it helps me more!

[saudade]

Ok Dr.Shoe. All I have to do is to make an effort often and fear will be over! Of course I heard laugh of me and two family members against my heel fetish but like many of you here with the sex-therapist and with few women sellers many people still have an old mentality about men in heels. They were always used to associate things with others. More of them do not know hetero men in heels. The fact is they do not know us enough and they believe their own reality from education. But they do not know all for sure their associations are completely false! They have an old mentality with ton of prejudices. If they would be enough numberous to open their eyes they would know that their thinkings are stupidities learnt from bad educated manners!

 

Why should I let them influence me? I am thinking liars too seriously and I have the choice to follow their stupid mind or mine! The truth they do not know and they refuse to admit. What will happen if I wear heels? Nothing! I will not screw off my life like my dad thinks! Consequences he thinks and other folks are not totally true!They have their opinions about negative feedbacks and  negative consequences are not going to happen exactly  like they say!

 

 

Also I do not understand what saudade means when he talked about family. His English is hard to translate into french.  His first paragraph after the answer to that is simple. Nothing

 

It begins by: (The answer to what I do when family finds out... until I am biased)

 

And his expression with the spoon I do not get it!

 

 

Rest I get it

 

 

Thank you for your support it helps me more!

 

My bad, sick me isn't very good at not using idioms, or language. So for my family, in short, we don't get along well for other reasons. That story is too damn long and unrelated so I'll leave that go.

 

And for the spoon thing, well its in the Matrix. Its one of the only really well known examples of buddhist/stoicism thought in popular culture. So the gist of the whole thing is this. In the movie Neo is trying to bend a spoon with his mind. He meets a young buddhist child bending a spoon and the child states "do not try to bend the spoon with your mind that is impossible, instead realize there is no spoon".

 

Now, in relation to men wearing heels the analogy I was trying to give was don't try to bend society to what you want it to become/embrace, that is impossible, realize societal's opinion on you wearing heels is pointless and irrelevant to you wearing heels.

 

If that helps, I just realized how much I use idioms to get points across. Sorry! But good luck either way, just realize take it one step at a time, and don't try to say wear stilettos out for a 10 mile shopping trip or whatever. It is like running, don't try to run 3 miles from the start, good way to get shin splints. Same deal, walk before you run and before you run far run the same distance consistently.

Hopefully that was clearer than the mud I gave earlier.