Pam Posted October 22, 2003 Posted October 22, 2003 Hello to all, I am new to this forum that I have been following very close and think its a great to learn and share. I need advice ... my girlfriend found a bunch of HH sites on my computer and she freaked out. My reaction was to tell her that everything was OK, and I was going to stop doing everything related to HH and other dressing issues. We all know that this can't stop as it is part of our nature ... i just need some advice on how to handle the situation ... should I wait until she calms? Please advice
sscotty727 Posted October 22, 2003 Posted October 22, 2003 Hi Pam, I had similar reactions with my wife (now married 13 years!) when we first started dating. She even broke up with me over it and came back appologizing the next day. I went through phases of buying, wearing (inside the apartment) heels, throwing away, buying again, wearing, throwing away, etc. Slowly she started accepting it is just a part of me she has to deal with. Now I think she doesn't mind one way or the other (she isn't FOR it, but she is definitely not against it either). She even helps me buy shoes (more masculine looking block-heeled boots for outside, pumps, etc for inside the bedroom;). Just give her time. If she loves you and you have a strong relationship, you will make it through this. Just let her calm down and then have a long talk with her and let her ask all the "are you gay", "do you want a sex change", etc questions. Good luck! Scotty
Heelfan Posted October 22, 2003 Posted October 22, 2003 You know guys, I think that if you calmly go into more detail and point out to your wives what a BIG and widespread interest exist for high heels (eg this forum alone now has over 1,000 members!), you can turn their discovery of these websites to your advantage. I am saying that rather than their suddenly thinking that they've inadvertantly teamed-up with a one-off freak, they can discover that you are merely one of a HUGE number of people who share a perfectly respectable interest. Rather than feeling ashamed of the Megaforums, be proud of them and invite your wives to sit down and methodically read-through a good number of the threads. They should quickly realise that: 1. The membership is very large, very united and very friendly. 2. Almost all of the posters are very straight, decent people. 3. Anything remotely pornographic etc. is utterly banned. 4. Everything is for positive enjoyment (nothing nasty or negative). 5. Relevant threads show the big majority of women as being supportive. 6. Our heely interests DO NO HARM WHATSOEVER to anybody. You might even start the ball rolling by show them this very posting first! Cheerfully yours, Heelfan Onwards and upwards!
Laurieheels Posted October 22, 2003 Posted October 22, 2003 I am going to move this to the Guy's Section, for a simple erason. Guys who have been through this are the best ones for giving advice about this situation. What can I say, since I know a lot of women will not be open minded, preferring their men to be what they misconceive as manly. You are who you are, and it all depends on what you are looking to do, and how far you are going. Wearing heels is one thing, dressing and taking ona female persona from time to time is quite another. Some things a woman can understand, others she cannot. And it all comes down to what she is looking for in a partner. So I am sure the guys will have some excellent advice on how to proceed, as they may have been through this before. I will leave a trace of the subject in the gal's section, so people can see where it went, and maybe some of the women around here can still comment.
sscotty727 Posted October 22, 2003 Posted October 22, 2003 Hi Laurie, You are right. Atleast for me, my wife had this fear that sometime (probably after we were married with kids and she would be too old to start over) and I would announce either I was gay, or want a sex change, or simply go full drag. After talking it out with her over a period of time, I think she finally realizes I just have a "thing" for heels. It has nothing to do with me being closet gay or wanting to be a woman, etc. She has now moved into the accepting part of it (she isn't a fan and doesn't go out to encourage it, but she does accept it as part of me). She has come around to allowing me to wear heels in public, as long as it doesn't look obvious (block heels, long pants, etc). BUT as Laurie said, this is one woman and one circumstance. You (Pam) are going to have to judge how she feels, how long you have known each other, how strong your relationship is, how accepting she is. The best thing to do since it is out in the open though is to talk it out with her. Denying your feelings or saying you will just stop (trust me, I did all that and always came back) will go no where. Be open, talk it out and LISTEN to what she has to say, especially if she has fears. Good luck! Scotty
new_look Posted October 22, 2003 Posted October 22, 2003 how awful it must be. I have to say im so lucky in that my gf will support me. She doesnt go too far with the encouragement but she will suggest that we go for a walk, and has almost dragged me out of the car when i was too nervous to get out. She knows it makes me happy and takes advantage of such a simple thing as been able to go for a long walk as an easy way to make me happy. But i would say at first before she knew, i used to drop comical hints, about me going to buy some heels, i could walk better than her in them etc... and she used to joke back saying youre not havin any and only puffs would wear them. I kept on though and she soon figured out it was quite an interest of mine. We were once jokin about buying some again, and she said i wouldnt be able to walk in them. I took the bait and challenged her to buy me the highest pair she could find and we would see. She got these cheap 4 inch boots off the market and it was fun to shoe her how easy it was (bearing in mind i had a nearly 5in pair in the cupboard) She thought id just got them to prove her wrong, but i kept putting them on, and she realised it didnt look that bad on me and from then on has said she doenst mind one bit cos it makes me happy. So dont be afraid of testing the water, it worked for me and im glad of the support. Without her i wouldnt have been able to go on my first heel experience, which was the stepping stone to more frequent heeling I can appreciate that not all women will be as understanding, but the image in the head of someone mentioning a lad in heeld, and osmeone seeing a lad wearing them is usually 2 different things. Its in the mind that the man is trying to dress like a woman, and if you show that its only just the same mens jeans with a maybe slightly shorter toe and hidden heel, theres hardly much difference anyway. Good luck anyway! Daz
Bubba136 Posted October 23, 2003 Posted October 23, 2003 Boy, did you open up a can of worms. There is as many different ways to let your girl friend, wife, significant other, etc., know about your high heels as there are men that wear them. This issue is, perhaps, the most important issue facing any high heel wearing man that is involved in a serious relationship. I would guess there must be at least 300 posts on this forum on this very subject. If I were you, I'd search the forum and read what has been said before. However, based on my personal experience there are a couple of things that I find that are are cardenal: 1) Never say that you will quit. You can't. You never will. If you say this to your wife and then don't, she will think you love high heels more than her. 2) This is the hard part. I've corresponded with men that have told their wives of many years that have gone through divorce after revealing this most secret aspect of their personality. If and when you find yourself developing a relationship with a woman that appears headed for something more than just being boyfriend - girlfriend, tell her up front about your high heels. If you wait until after marriage, she will believe that you built a relationship on a lie. -- you weren't honest. Her feelings for you will never be the same -- or, at least you will have a very high hill to climb before they are. This matter must be thoroughly talked through. And, do not make the mistake of presenting it as an ultimatum. There has to be complete understanding here. On the part of both of you. You have to be the judge because you know her and know where you want the relationship to go. She has the right to know the whole truth about you if you're going to build it on a solid, truthful, foundation. Being mentally comfortable in your own mind is the key to wearing heels in public.
shyguy Posted October 23, 2003 Posted October 23, 2003 Well I can identify with your problem Pam, just check some of my posts here, my wife is very much against me wearing heels. BUT she is slowly accepting it bit by bit and as said before, always asks if I want to try any new shoes she buys. All I can suggest is be understanding of her needs with regards this issue, don't force the issue too hard, and maybe you can gain acceptance piecemeal. softly softly catchee monkey..... hope it can work out for you Shyguy He was so narrow minded he could see through a keyhole with both eyes. Brown's Law: If the shoe fits, it's ugly
Pam Posted October 23, 2003 Author Posted October 23, 2003 Hi again, First, THANKS a lot for your advice ... it has been helpful. It also made me feel a lot of support Last night (after the shock) we had a long talk, and like scotty predicted, the usual questions came up...long story short, she told me she had fears (which is very understandable) but she is at least more calmed now. I mentioned most of the advice you guys gave and it really made a big difference. I think now time is likely to help!!! But i'll keep you posted ... you will be hearing more from me thanks you all again!
sscotty727 Posted October 23, 2003 Posted October 23, 2003 Your Welcome Pam, glad we could help. The important thing to keep in mind is you are no way alone, there are ALOT of men that are into this (and I bet alot more that want to but keep it bottled up inside). Also you are doing the right thing by talking it out and listening to her. It sounds like over time everything will be ok. Good luck, Scotty
new_look Posted October 23, 2003 Posted October 23, 2003 I use dto think it was osmething to be ashamed of, and that i was the only one in the world who would ever want to do such a thing. This forum has made me a lot of friends who have encouraged me to take steps i never thought id even approach when it comes to Heelwearing. Its a pity most people see it that you either want to be a woman or are gay just because of it, which is pretty senseless technically. Gay is attracting to the same sex (which has tno connection with shoes at all) and wanting to be a woman, well youre not trying to not look like a man, just wanna wear something that women do. its not like women never wear mens stuff without an eye been turned, so you could point this out to your wife. Daz
007 Posted October 24, 2003 Posted October 24, 2003 Don't get me wrong as I'm very new to this and already had it in my head to use the joking technique with my wife, as did Daz, but have yet to persuade myself. I don't know whether it's been said before, but I'm waiting for the day heels finally cross the gender barrier, much like wearing earings have done in the last decade or so. So come on...the more exposure you lot get, the easier it will be for me!
TallSwede Posted October 24, 2003 Posted October 24, 2003 Just to add to the latest comment... Women, at least here in Scandinavia, now and then appear in shirt and TIE (ferrchrissakes...) so talking about "gender benders" what does *she* think about that fashion??? My point, I probably badly, try to make is that make her see the other side of the coin (dressing codes).
Puma Posted October 25, 2003 Posted October 25, 2003 Hi to you all, Where do I begin? I'm in a very similar situation, as most of us probably have been, concerning our wives, g/f or S/O's. At first, my wife was very upset when I told her I liked the look of a certain kind of high heeled boot. I told her I was going to buy a pair, I showed her a picture on the internet. I don't think she thought I'd actually buy them. Well I did, but she wasn't too happy that I wanted to wear them when we go out! I bought some longer length boot cut jeans that hide most of the heel. The first time we went out, we stayed in a hotel in Birmingham, and went out at night to a show, I was nervous, my wife was worried, but things went pretty well except they ended up being uncomfortable! I'm sure no-one even noticed. I had to buy some of the leather stretching spray after that, with the spray and use around the house, the boots became comfortable. Since then, I've worn them quite a few times when we go out, but only at night! and my wife wouldn't dream of me wearing heels infront of family. I now own quite a few pair of block heeled boots, infact I nearly have as many as my wife! But why shouldn't I? They're only footware. I would say, she's not 100% for me wearing heeled boots (yet), but it's not a secret or anything like that, she has helped me in buying suitable women's trousers (they have a better cut, and are usually cheaper!) and even bought me some women's tousers to wear with my boots. So, although I don't feel I've got any experience to offer advice, all I can say is that nurture your relationship, things can and usually do get easier with time. Our partners like to see us happy afterall! Puma
Heelfan Posted October 25, 2003 Posted October 25, 2003 Hello again Pam and Everyone! Through some technical glitch, Susan The Original is temporarily unable to post on the forum, so she has posted an interesting reply to "Pam's" problem on Jenny's Forum: http://members3.boardhost.com/jennyheels/msg/10892.html and to add to my earlier posting here, I added the following reply: Surely the only true way for any of us to try to attempt to help "Pam" in his problem is for each of is to be 100% compassionate to BOTH sexes, and to try to understand and to search towards the ultimate happiness of BOTH parties involved. I may or may not have succeeded, but my only wish in all of my postings is to try and help towards EVERYONE'S happiness (wherever that might be possible!), rather than the all too common and unfortunate phonomen of members appearing to side just with the man or just with with the woman. As marriage councellors know, confrontation NEVER helps anyone. It is only by understanding both parties feelings and ambitions, and getting them to talk about them to each other in a constructive (rather than a destructive) way, that they can ever hope to find out whether a truly happy future together can be achieved. Now, none of us should possess the arrogance to presume to know all the answers to other people problems. However, we can at least try to help other men and women from the benefit of our own personal experience. Therefore, speaking as a straight family man who has been street-heeling and heel-admiring for forty-seven years(since the age of twelve), and happily married to the same lovely wife for 30 years, maybe I can try to identify, and to try to understand what might possibly be the main issues in "Pam's" case: Firsly, to try and be compassionate towards "Pam": Maybe we can assume that he shares the situation of myself and the vast majority of male heel-wearers: Most of us are straight (or pretty-well straight) ie not gay. Most of us find that(through no initial choice of our own, it seems) we have an inbuilt "thing" about high heels - in all cases re. admiring them on women, and in an amazingly large number of more extreme cases like mine, re. actually wearing them to share the experience. Most of us, notwithstanding our "thing" about heels, regard ourselves as being 100% masculine and 100% keen on finding and loving another woman and NOT another man. There our countless happy marriages and relationships involving a heel-wearing man to attest to this. All of us find that, through no fault of our own, we are "stuck" with it for life. To quote the highly intelligent and learned Highluc - it is NOT a disease, it cannot be medically cured, and whether we like it or not, it will NEVER GO AWAY. Now then, what do we straight, heelwearing guys do? We all want happy, straight relationships with a loving woman (like mine), but we are all scared stiff that our "thing" (which we cannot lose) will maybe horrify, maybe repulse and maybe lose our wonderful lady whom we love and to whom are so very attracted. The superficial answer is to say "If you love and cherish your lady then simply banish all heel interests". Well yes! Absolutely! We all love and cherish our ladies more than inanimate objects like shoes, and many of us have have tried ditching our collections and suppressing our kinky urge. BUT IT NEVER WORKS! The forums have shown that time after time, male heel-wearers have tried this, often repeatedly in their anxiety to be fully "normal" husbands, but they are confounded to find that their urge remains. It may be ostensibly repressed for a while - many weeks, many months, or even several years, but it is always smouldering there despite all endeavours, waiting to re-ignite and burst back out. And often in the meantime, it makes the man difficult to live with. He finds himself feeling somehow repressed, unfulfilled, grouchy and tetchy, which doesn't help anyone. I ask Susan and all other ladies on these forums to try and appreciate the problems that encumber we men who find that we have an inbuilt "heel thing" in addition to seeking a loving man/woman relationship. It is a huge, virtually impossible-to-control inbuilt compulsion that is nothing to do with wanting to look effeminite! We do not choose to take it up like stamp-collecting, nor can we (and this is what we beg all women to try and understand) give it up like stamp-collecting. No-one seems to understand (I certainly don't) why a large number of us have it, but it is just there to be coped-with - inbuilt into us through no optional choice or fault of our own. Should we all hold back from our loving desires to fraternise with the opposite sex and live a celibate monastic existance as social lepars? Or should we try to gain the understanding of our girlfriends and wives and work it through in search of preserving our mutual happiness? Secondly, to try to be compassionate towards "Pam's" good lady: We assume that like my wife and countless other young ladies, she entered the relationship in good spirit and in good faith quite oblivious to the "Heely thing" that certain men are saddled with. Therefore, upon the discovery or admission being made(and depending on the preceding length of time and the impact) she will almost certainly be surprised/alarmed/bewildered/shocked/puzzled to varying degrees. She deserves every possible sympathy and a huge amount of understanding. Once the man's shoeie thing is revealed (honestly, and in its full entirely), talked-about and has sunk in, regettably but of necessity is up to each lady to assess the previously-undreampt-of situation in their own individual way. It is never easy, because so many confliction emotions will be flooding their brains. These might, judging by the Forums, range at one extreme from outright, overwhelming abhorrence, repulsion and digust resulting in quick separation and the lady's flight to 'safety' or 'normality'. At the very opposite extreme, others have reported that their girlfriend has immediately grinned that it is "kinky" and a "turn-on", sometimes resulting in their indulging in outings wearing 100% identical high-heeled shoes, and reporting that passers-by have called this "Cute!". However, within the two above clear-cut and self-solving extremes, the vast majority of couples will less obvious, more confusing and complex decision. These can only be faced with a fully frank, honest and sincere period of soul-searching and exchanges of all their feelings as to whether a normal, loving girl can continue to be happy with an equally loving but heel-fancying guy. Only the two of them can ever come up with their own particular answer. I am pleased to say that in my case and, it seems, in the majority of others, mutual compassion and understanding appear to prevail, and a successful marriage or relationship survives and accommodates the new element. Sadly, in some other cases it doesn't, and maybe a separation is ultimately all for the best. In our case (and I'm sure we're not alone) it was not all plain sailing and a bed of roses at every point. Don't expect them to be. Few situations are black and white, but varying shades of grey. Having discovered my heel-admiring interest, my wife turned that to our full advantage by wearing some wonderful ultra-high-heels everywhere we went, to the pleasure of ourselves and everyone else. Having had the initial shock of finding that I wore high heels (3" to 5 1'2" ranging from thick block to stilettos), she admitting that, like Susan, she felt that high heels made any man look effeminate. However, she said the the other half of her recognised that, because she loved me and wanted me to be happy, the heels were obviously giving me much happiness and contributed to my life. We've had various such chats over the years and have worked out a mutually acceptable regime which preserves maximum happiness for each of us and for our marriage. In our case, it is tacitly understood that I don't embarrass either of us by overtly wearing high, feminine heels around our staff, daughter, local friends or neighbours. My wife is understanding and supportive of my swanning-off in the anonymity of the big cities and to the Megaforum's Heel-Meets, and sometimes accompanies me on my far-flung heel rambles which give me my regular "fix" and prevent my getting any hang-ups or tetchiness. In some cases, couples have worked-it-out and accepted the man's heelwearing to work and everywhere else, but in others have agreed that it must only remain strictly in private. My main message is that every couple must discuss this as early as possible and as frankly, honestly and compassionately as possible, and to try very hard to see whether or not a happy and all-embracing relationship can be maintained. I implore ALL of you to show full and equal compassion to the man and the woman, and I wish "Pam" and all others every possible success in having frank talks and in making constructive, kind and considerate decisions for your future lives. There! I've opened my heart to you as honestly and fully as I know how! Cheerfully yours, Heelfan -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Onwards and upwards!
jo Posted October 25, 2003 Posted October 25, 2003 That's the most load of sense that anyone has posted for ages. Good advice.
new_look Posted October 25, 2003 Posted October 25, 2003 good post heelfan i think susan had a nice tantrum there by herself however. nonne is not myself intended to cut out all feelings of the woman involved, the advice was simply to share personal experiences on how to approach telling a partner. We all know that it is the womans decision as to whether she accepts it or not. This is why we are looking at how to tread carefully on the run in, because we know that ultimately, the girl we like/love etc may be through the door with what we have to say. I agree with hfan that the inner part for heels will not leave. ive tried disgarding old pairs of my heels and i always ended up getting some more again. Its like a secret feeling that comes back to make you need it again. Strange but true. Im glad its out in the open with jade, and even more glad that she doesnt mind. Its a tough decision when you have to think about choosing between one of the two big things in life that make you happy. Daz
Slim Posted October 26, 2003 Posted October 26, 2003 heelfan is quite right, you will never out grow this "affliction" though you may try many times. It's best just to get on with it. As St Paul was told about his affliction, "My grace is sufficent for you". As a conservative christian thats the answer I got. You might as well try and beat near sightedness out of someone.
Lee Posted October 27, 2003 Posted October 27, 2003 Well, I must add my 2 cents worth here (please translate into what is appropriate for your demograhics! . Anyway, I can relate and substantiate the feeling or desire to wear High heels never really goes away. I have had the urge and desire for well over 35 years and have purchased then thrown away several pairs of grat HHs. And the desire still is there. This last year, I posed to this my wife in way that broke the ice. Your typical talk around a bet of doing a job in high heels... that I of course... lost. I know sneaky, but it did break the ice in a way that we talked about it. She is now very supportive. She hasnt' bought me any shoes, but she has bought me nylons. No matter how your situation turns out, you must this opportunity to at least talk it out. This forum is wonderful support group that you can use to help. Everyone has a different situation, I suppose, but common that everyone should be able to experience the other side, so to speak. I do consider myself fortunate, that my wife, lifelong partner and best friend.. understands and is supportive. It just makes it all the better. Good luck, Lee
genebujold Posted October 27, 2003 Posted October 27, 2003 Just to add to the latest comment... Women, at least here in Scandinavia, now and then appear in shirt and TIE (ferrchrissakes...) so talking about "gender benders" what does *she* think about that fashion??? My point, I probably badly, try to make is that make her see the other side of the coin (dressing codes). Lemme guess - and men's wingtip shoes, too, right? Over the years I've been in 37 countries (never did make it to Sweden - but I'll try the next time I'm in Europe!), and I've noticed several things (in general): 1. The more "third world" the area, the more functional (less frills) the clothing, the less distinct are the fashions between men and women, but the more they adhere to the lines of distinction between genders so far as dress is concerned. 2. The richer the populace in general, the more likely there are to be significant aberrations in terms of fashion, yet those aberrations are not among the richer portions of the populace, per se', but among the lower classes (but not the lowest classes). 3. Many men throughout the world wear skirts, long flowing robes, and rather feminine-looking shirts, including front-ties and frilled cuffs - but that's usually in the less Westernized areas. 4. Royalty usually leans towards non-western clothing, whereas elected rulers usually lean toward's Western-style suits. 5. No-where has the practice of men publically wearing heels spread beyond a mere handful of individuals like ourselves who're willing to adhere to our own fashion codes as opposed to bending to those imposed on us by our societies! Thus, regardless of where you live, wear 'em if you got 'em!
genebujold Posted October 27, 2003 Posted October 27, 2003 She is now very supportive. She hasnt' bought me any shoes, but she has bought me nylons. Lee Huh! My SO doesn't mind my wearing heels (provided they're in good taste), nor my wearing skirts at home (so much more comfortable than pants, guys...), but if I asked her to buy me a pair of nylons, I do believe she'd look at me rather funny and ask, "why?" The only time that topic ever came up was when we were camping in the snow and I kept complaining about being cold. She chucked a pair of her pantyhose at me and said, "here - try these." I was considerably warmer after that... But I'm not into pantyhose for the same reason I'm not into pants - too restrictive.
Bubba136 Posted October 27, 2003 Posted October 27, 2003 Daz wrote: i think susan had a nice tantrum there by herself however At the risk of your thinking "here I am disagreeing with you" again, I just wonder why you should call someone expressing their opinion as a "tantrum"? Why not pay more attention to what's she is saying rather than try to analyze the anger in her statement? After all, it's what she says rather than the way she said it that is important, isn't it? Being mentally comfortable in your own mind is the key to wearing heels in public.
Pam Posted October 27, 2003 Author Posted October 27, 2003 Hello again Heelfan those words are salomonic!!! I have learned alot about myself and relations these past days, and surely it is on the lines of what you mentioned. Relationships are tricky ... but at some point everyone has a "special thing" that needs to be accomodated and negotiated with the SO. It is VERY conforting that there are many others that share "special things" in common, specially when the special thing is either a high pointed boot or a cool strappy sandal!!! Pam
Heelfan Posted October 27, 2003 Posted October 27, 2003 Aw Shucks! (Blush)! Pleased to be of service! Don't forget to read everything on Jenny's Forum too - the parallel thread running with other interesting answers to help you "Cope with the wife". Every good wish for long and fruitful happiness, Cheerfully yours, Heelfan Onwards and upwards!
jo Posted October 27, 2003 Posted October 27, 2003 >> the parallel thread running with other interesting answers << Since that other thread drops off the end of the world, forever, in just a couple of weeks, can someone copy the most relevant bits over to this thread?
Smudgeur Posted October 27, 2003 Posted October 27, 2003 My wife has grown more and more accepting over time. Just the other night we discussed a pair of lower heeled navy blue office shoes that she doesn't wear any more. I was saying how much I liked them and she said: "you can have them". When I got home from work tonight she had taken them from her wardrobe and put them by my side of the bed! If that's not accepting then I don't know what is!
Heelfan Posted October 27, 2003 Posted October 27, 2003 Why, what a great idea Jo! You've got the job! Cheerfully yours, Heelfan Onwards and upwards!
Smudgeur Posted October 27, 2003 Posted October 27, 2003 My wife has grown more and more accepting over time. Just the other night we discussed a pair of lower heeled navy blue office shoes that she doesn't wear any more. I was saying how much I liked them and she said: "you can have them". When I got home from work tonight she had taken them from her wardrobe and put them by my side of the bed! If that's not accepting then I don't know what is! These are the shoes - I'm wearing them now. Only a 2" heel, but I love court shoes and they feel great on.
genebujold Posted October 28, 2003 Posted October 28, 2003 Uh, it's "solomoic," and here's the Merriam-Webster's definition: One entry found for Solomonic. Main Entry: Sol·o·mon·ic Pronunciation: "sä-l&-'mä-nik Function: adjective Date: 1857 : marked by notable wisdom, reasonableness, or discretion especially under trying circumstances Please try to understand - I love word-smithing, but being a stickler for spelling is a particularly nasty weakness of mine... Please forgive me.
Recommended Posts