Since my last entry, quite a lot has happened. I met a lovely lady who is now very much part of my life Not long after meeting her I had a moment of weakness and confusion and went against my self imposed promise of never getting rid of my entire collection of heels and purged my flat of all womens shoes. Gutted. Especially since doing it I told her all about my passion for heels and womens footwear in general and she is totally cool about it. She said she's happy for me to wear them around the house but wasn't too sure about me wearing them out locally with her around which is totally fine with me because I'm not particularly confident about doing that either. She did however hint at us going out in a town where we don't know anyone and going walking in heels.
I still feel a bit weird about wearing them around her which I put down to years of feeling shame about it. But it's getting easier as time passes and I feel like I can openly talk about it whenever I want. It's quite a relief just being able to rabbit on about it whenever I want.
I have since invested in a couple of new pairs both of which were imported from the US from Barefoottess.com (great website for the larger footed man/woman!). Expensive but well worth it. Pics below...
I've not done any public walking in heels or flats since my last outing but I feel like I'd like to again sometime. I'm really gutted I don't have those Steve Madden flats I went out in the first time because they were great for that. I'm sure a similar pair will turn up somewhere.
Anyway, more to follow....as and when stuff happens. Happy heeling folks!
Today I walked publicly in "womens" shoes for the first time! How cool is that?
Now, last night I was reading ILK's post called "the suit" and there's this whole bit in the middle of all the banter about suits where he goes on a big rant about how the reason some of us fellas are scared about wearing heels publicly is all in our heads and not to do with what society deems to be acceptable - or in other words we create the notion that society disapproves in our heads and that 99% of the population don't really give 2 shits. Jeff B and Pumpcat and all the other guys on here are testament to that fact as you will see from their stories of all the high heel outings they have made over the years. And none of them have ever reported any seriously bad times doing it. Funny looks and the odd comment, perhaps, but nothing really bad. It was a really inspiring piece of writing! (I think I summarised it OK?).
So anyway, I took my Steve Madden flats with me when I went to town with the intention of wearing them at some point - I just didn't know when. I nearly went for it a couple of times whilst walking in more quiet parts but didn't fancy the idea of getting caught changing into them. So after my swim I thought I would just wear them out of the pool which is exactly what happened. It was a good 10-15 minute walk back to the town centre where I went about looking in a few charity shops for some clothes ("womens") but found nothing. Then I walked home and changed back out of them before getting back home cos my dad was in.
Altogether it was a lovely experience. I felt very relaxed about the whole affair and made a point of not looking around to see if anyone was watching me. Nothing happened. No-one said anything or even looked at me in a funny way. That relaxed-ness was even there when I was shopping as I often feel like looking over my shoulder when I'm shopping but not today. But then I often go shopping in my home town and find myself worrying that someone I know might bump into me.. bla bla bla..
I'm not ready to take the plunge into heeling proper yet but this was the first step. I've lived with this for about 25 years now and it's only in the past 5 or so, and especially since finding this site, that I have felt going out publicly in "womens" attire is something that I could actually do. I was so paranoid about the thought before that that there was no way it was ever going to happen. In fact, it wasn't even a consideration! But now....
Well, they're not exactly high heels and I'm not exactly walking around town in them but I am wearing them in a public place. These are my lovely Steve Madden flat ballerinas bought from Barefoottess (a haven - or perhaps heaven - for big footed men and women). I'm on a short notice trip down south on a train and I threw them in my bag as an after thought because I like wearing them round the house like slippers. I've always found that it doesn't matter where they're from but fellas' slippers always have an old man feel about them. I might be 37 years old but I'm not ready for that status just yet.
I was just sat here when I thought "Hello, I could be wearing some girly shoes here" and without further ado and without really considering who was around me I put them on. The train is quiet though so not a real biggie. But still felt much easier than it ever has before as it's not the first time I've been in this situation before but it is the first time I've gone this far. One small step at a time, I guess. It's fun tho and I am enjoying it and not really worrying about it.
So I guess this is not-quite-heeling-escapade no. 1! Now, the next question is do I do the train change at Peterborough in them? Means carrying my other shoes by hand though as there's no room in my bag. Also the trains from Peterborough to the small town 15 miles to the south are much more open than the ones I am on and it will be the height of rush hour when I get there.
Find out in the next thrilling instalment of Fatfuzz's blog!
No I didn't wear them for the train swap. Got to Nottingham and it was looking busy and in a moment of weakness I took them off and slipped them into my bag out of sight. And then a woman sat down next to me for the trip to the next station at which point she left along with most of the other occupants in the carriage so I put them back on for the rest of the journey but wasn't feeling so bold that I could wear them outside of the train.
Felt good though sitting there in my little flat shoes (all my shoes are little!) just reading and staring out the window. Thinking I might take a little walk in town wearing them tomorrow but that a whole new step. We'll see.
I've reached that stage where I'd normally be thinking about purging. It used to happen about once every 6months to a year where I'd get obsessed to the point of distraction and bin all the heels because I can't cope with constantly thinking about them all day every day. My other big problem is the association with pot and the fantasy world that comes with being stoned and wearing heels.
I am not going to purge this time - I am going to push through and see what lies beyond! I also feel that the pot keeps me from doing that one thing many of us strive for and often never achieve and that's find the confidence to wear them out and about in public.
I have plans for a heeling holiday. I'd like to do a couple of nights in a west London hotel, richmond/kew somewhere with no scallies or scrotes (rough neck undesirable stupid types - you'd call them red necks in the US) and spend the days getting used to walking out in femme shoes. I'd start flat and slowly work my way up to the higher heels. I have enough styles and heel heights to go at it slowly and break myself in slowly. I also fancy going to some really touristy areas (London eye, buck palace etc) and it also makes perfect sense because here i really am going to be surrounded by people who I will most likely never see again.
I also just need to smoke less. It's great when I've been without for a bit or I have to keep it to a minimum because of work or whatever but I have been really addicted for the last few years. I'll get over it - I have to - and when I do I think it will help me get out in my heels. I really want to and it's all I can think about sometimes but just can't find the courage. Plus I'm not confident doing it round by where I live. Need to get over the initial shock somewhere I am anonymous.
You read so many stories on this site about how once people have got over it they find the whole thing a bit of an anti-climax. I can believe it and I want to feel it so I can stop the feeling of anticipation boiling away within me! The attached photo are the shoes I have ear marked for the first outing preceded by my new stave madden flat ballerinas I took delivery of last week...
All this talk has been going on for a long time but it has never happened but then I've never not purged. So we shall see. Hopefully soon. I've even found a hotel somewhere for a decent price but time is limited until 2 days before xmas. Touring madness! Come on man - make a break for yourself. Get out and get heeling. You know you want to!
Been talking about it forever but not actually done it yet - this is the start of my HHBlog. I'm not really much of a blogger - don't do social media bla bla but I figured this'd be a good opportunity for me to explore and try to understand/accept my passion for heels and maybe help some others along the way. I've been a closet heeler for years and always felt a sense of shame and like I am weird and out of the ordinary. There's no doubt this is born out of a fetish for such shoes but it extends way beyond that now. Maybe it's because I am so used to seeing myself in "womens" shoes (and clothes sometimes!) but I think I look good in them and feel very comfortable (in my own company) wearing them.
If anyone has any thoughts on my ramblings I'd be most interested to hear them.