still struggling with boots

[dressboots]

Posters, Yes, it has been over two months. I still get totally mixed messages from my wife about wearing womens (high heel) boots. In one breath she says it is totally OK with her then another day she will be saying that it is unacceptable. I am down to two favourite pairs from the 1980's, having tossed out all the rest. Can't bring myslef to get rid of those. Some sort of nagging feeling that it would be a big mistake What is this doing for me? It has become an almost an obssession trying to find the perfect pair of knee boots in my size. I find that I now take a size 13. Tried buying an "acceptable" pair of boots from Nordstroms recently but at a size 12 they we too short so I sent them back. The style was not in 13. There are some really nice looking Sudini boots this year. I know that lots of other posters have gone through the personal turmoil I presently experiencing. I often get to feeling like a freak at times lately. Thought I should touch base and let you know that the story is not finished. dressboots

[Heelevation]

I am new to the forum so pardon me if I am overstepping a boundry or just simply showing lack of understanding by replying to this post. I am not really sure what you are saying in this message. Sounds like you are batteling two different issues .. your SO not being comfortable with the boots, and your own search for the perfect ones. Two different things. Dont know about the latter, but I will offer a comment on the first one. Wifes, or I guess in general SO's, will often display this pattern. What it really says is that deep down, she (they) are uncomfortable with the issue. When she says it is "OK", she is trying to accept. It doesnt mean she has come to terms with the issue, only that she is trying. You will hear it as "It is totally OK", but thats really not what she is saying. All she is saying is "I am trying!". Then what often happens is that "You" (not just you "you", but in general anyone in a similar situation) take this as an unconditional acceptance and then step it up a notch thinking that it will be OK. Well .. it wasn't OK in the first place, so now it is way past OK for her and she reacts by going in the complete opposite direction .. now it becomes "Unacceptable". What did you do wrong? You misread a "Maybe" for a "Yes" and took it for a "Sure, go ahead"! What did she do wrong? She send a message of "Yes, I'm fine with it" when what she meant to say was "I'm not so sure about this, so go slow"! It comes down to poor communications, from both of you. It also comes down to a classic example of "Moving Goal Posts". The rules change, but you dont get the message that they have changed, you are supposed to figure that out yourself.

[jmc]

I am new to the forum so pardon me if I am overstepping a boundry or just simply showing lack of understanding by replying to this post.

You are as eligible to post here as anybody -- especially when you bring this type of insight to the discussion.

I am not really sure what . . .

. . . supposed to figure that out yourself.

Sounds like you have been there.

[Heelevation]

Thanks for the comment jmc, it is always a little un-nerving to join a group of people. You never know what the dynamics might be so there is always a risk of offending someone. Oh yes, I have been there, many times unfortunately. I bet the same goes for many others here. One thing I have learned over the years, is to never take an approval to be more than a single piece of the puzzle. You always have to read between the lines and figure out what was meant, not what was said. The key to a sucessfull relationship is to constantly be aware of each others needs and wants, but then, where does that leave us when we need and want something out of the ordinary!

[foxylady]

You hit the nail Heelevation. My relationship went also down due to the fact that the communication wasn't there any more. And listening in between the lines isn't always easy. FL

[Heelevation]

I am sorry to hear that Foxy, but I think it is a very common thing. Probably the most common reason for relationships to fade away actually. We start taking each other for granted and forget the "give" part of the "give/take" thing so that we can fulfill our own desires. I think when it comes to something like wearing heels, or any other nontraditional and limit pushing behaviour, then it becomes even more important to be very aware of what feelings it might stirr in your SO. If she/he is uncomfortable with it, then you need to stop and think real hard before moving forward.

[foxylady]

I agree with you Heelevation. But I was fully in wearing heels and other female attire, I am a part time cross dresser, before I met my wife. I had acceptedmyself completely as I was and who I am. When I met the girl of my dreams, I didn't want my fantasie/fetish/other personality come between us. So I decided before starting the relationship that I had to talk about me and my love for heels and other attire. She fully accepted it and was even supportive with it. We bought shoes together, the same type and most of all differend colors. Bought nightgear and other attires... You name it we bought it for eachother. She was totally with me. After a few years she started to go out with friends and meet other people, also other man. Eventually she left mefor another person. When wethen had a chat a few months later, I found out hat the sole reason why she loved me dressing up was that she loved SM. Can you imagine, why didn't she never talked about "her" fantasie...... I still can'tfigure it out.....she never actually gave me any clues.... That's why I also understand what you are saying..... listen very carefull and make sure you heard it properly..... I dare to say with my hand on my hart, She never....never mentioned anything. FL

[Heelevation]

Doesnt life suck sometimes! (excuse my French here please). I think you did the absolutely right thing in telling her up front. For many wifes, it is not so much the dressing or whatever it might be that throws them off when they find out later on, but it is the feeling of betrayal and lack of trust and honesty. Sorta' like, "If you lied to me about that, what else have you been keeping from me?" Being honest upfront is a gamble, but it is a much safer bet than trying to hide something like that. They always always figure it out sooner or later and then the poop hits fan big time. It is strange that she didnt tell you, especially when the cork was already off the bottle regarding being openminded etc. I bet you though, she would probably say that she hinted to it many times, or at least that she felt you should have figured it out. Back to that same routine, we always need to read between the lines :-)

[foxylady]

Correct. She actually never said anything about it. But when she left me for another guy.... about six months later we are on the phone and she asked me if she could come back..... She even was happy me doing whatever I wanted. I told her that I wanted a devorce.... "I'm not a doormat where you can step over it all the time...." Then she told me that she loved the lighter form of SM.... It could of been so much better.... you know a little bondage and all that stuff..... but that didn't happen..... Now a new live awaits, it is to short to keep morning about these things..... Every morning the sunshines also for me..... for you.. for everybody. FL

[Heelevation]

Well you know how it is. If life was easy .. everybody would want one

[foxylady]

Well you know how it is. If life was easy .. everybody would want one

Haha...

FL

[Dr. Shoe]

I'm quite lucky in that I know exactly where I stand when it comes to my heel wearing. She doesn't like it too much but accepts that I need to... I mean there is no problem at all around the house it's just when we're going out. Sometimes I ask her if she minds me wearing heels and then show her the boots I want to wear. Sometimes there's no problem and sometimes we have to compromise and at times she says that she doesn't want me to. What I do is buy her something if I'm out in heels but not when in flats so gradually she'll come to associate heel wearing with generosity but I would never tell her that though! The problem is is that she wonders where it's going to lead, are you going to want to wear stilletos? Are you going to want to wear skirts and dresses, make-up? Get a boob job, gender reassignment? No amount of reassurance is going to convince her otherwise...

[Heelevation]

Knowing what the rules are is a lot easier. Good for you. Also good that you can talk to her directly about it and that she will tell you. Of course, just as important is that you are willing to compromize when thats what is called for. My wife does not like me wearing anything remotely associated with female clothing or footwear unfortunately, so in that respect I also know what the rules are. At least, right now I do. Over the years though, this has changed many times. When I first met her, many years ago, I told her up front that I liked to dress like a girl now and then and I liked to wear high heels too. Well back then, none of us really understood what that meant to be honest, so she didnt see it as a big deal. After some time though, she realized that not only would I dress like a girl, but I would go out as a girl and I could get away with it. Then things changed in her mind and all of a sudden it was not OK at all. So, I stopped, for a while, but couldnt keep it like that. We talked about it, figured out some ground rules and she was OK again. Then suddently it was not OK anymore, but she forgot to tell me and things got a little ugly for a while. Over the years it has gone up and down like that many times. Sometimes I can get away with shoes and boots or dressing, sometimes I cannot and I never know until it is too late. We both know it is partly a communications problem, but we are unable to fix it. Apart from that, she is a wonderful girl and we have a very strong relationship. She is also a high heel person herself, (think business style here 3-4", not fetish) so at least I get the pleasure of watching her. She loves showing me her new purchases and she loves it when I buy her new shoes or boots too. The bottom line is, it is all about finding a ballance. Sometimes that means that you cant have it your way unfortunately.

[foxylady]

Yes.... but sometimes it seems that she is taking all the credit.... you're giving in, but she doesn't. We should say to them, "Ok I want wear any female clothes anymore if you don't wear male clothing anymore." In which I mean...trousers, shirts....even a tie or a suit.... I know they are now made typically for the women fashion... but still it is based on the male fashion.... So I like/love High heels and a skirt.... you wear it so I can admire it....and I most likely will not have the urge to wear it neither.... It's only a thought. Your story, Heelevation, is similar to mine, but we broke up. Now and then she still wants me and then she mentions the wearing ..... But I am not going to kick twice the same stone. FL

[jmc]

. . . We should say to them, "Ok I want wear any female clothes anymore if you don't wear male clothing anymore."

As the old saying goes, "What's good for the goose is good for the gander."

And vice-versa too.

If we are really serious about equality then that's the way it has to be.