Jokes from Spam

[sendra45]

Hi, I keep looking at the posts with jokes in them thinking they are still spam. I will post the jokes here, feel free to add yours.

[sendra45]

Hello!! A woman and a baby went to the doctors. The doctor examined the baby, checked his weight, and slightly concerned, asked if the baby was breast-fed or bottle-fed? “Breast-fed," the woman replied. "Would you strip down to your waist please," asked the doctor? The doctor pinched her nipples, pressed, kneaded, and rubbed both breasts for a while in a very professional and detailed examination. Motioning to her to get dressed, the doctor said, "No wonder this baby is underweight, you don't have any milk." "I know," she said, "I'm his Grandma, but I'm happy I came."

[sendra45]

A midwife is walking past the hospital staffroom, when she hears two African doctors talking, "I'm telling you it's wumba: W-U-M-B-A," says the first. "No. It's woombaa: W-O-O-M-B-A-A," says the second. "No, no, no. Wumba: W-U-M-B-A," says the first again. At this the nurse pops her head through the door, "I think you'll find, gentlemen, it's WOMB: W-O-M-B," The two doctors look blankly at her, until one of them says, "Madam. I doubt if you've ever even SEEN a water buffalo, let alone heard one fart in a mudpool,".

[sendra45]

Women Skinny Dipping An elderly man in North Carolina had owned a large farm for several years. He had a large pond in the back, fixed up nice; picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some apple and peach trees. The pond was properly shaped and fixed up for swimming when it was built. One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been there for a while, and look it over. He grabbed a five gallon bucket to bring back some fruit. As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee. As he came closer , he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond. He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end. One of the women shouted to him, "We're not coming out until you leave!" The old man frowned and replied, "I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked." Holding the bucket up he said, "I'm here to feed the alligator." Moral: Old men can still think fast.

[sendra45]

Hi Two men dressed in pilots' uniforms walk up the aisle of the airplane. Both are wearing dark glasses, one is using a guide dog, and the other is tapping his way along the aisle with a cane. Nervous laughter spreads through the cabin, but the men enter the cockpit, the door closes, and the engines start up. The passengers begin glancing nervously around, searching for some sign that this is just a little practical joke. None is forthcoming. The plane moves faster and faster down the runway, and the people sitting in the window seats realize they're headed straight for the water at the edge of the airport territory. As it begins to look as though the plane will plough into the water, panicked screams fill the cabin. At that moment, the plane lifts smoothly into the air. The passengers relax and laugh a little sheepishly, and soon all retreat into their magazines, secure in the knowledge that the plane is in good hands. In the cockpit, one of the blind pilots turns to the other and says, "you know, Bob, one of these days, they're gonna scream too late and we're all gonna die."

[sendra45]

During a visit to the Mental Asylum, a visitor asked the Director what the criteria was which defined whether or not a patient should be institutionalised. "Well," said the Director, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub." "Oh, I understand," said the visitor. "A normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup." "No." said the Director, "A normal person would pull the plug." Do you want a room with or without a view?

[sendra45]

Do you have feelings of inadequacy? Do you suffer from shyness? Do you sometimes wish you were more assertive? If you answered yes to any of these questions, ask your doctor or pharmacist about Tequila. Tequila is the safe, natural way to feel better and more confident about yourself and your actions. Tequila can help ease you out of your shyness and let you tell the world that you're ready and willing to do just about anything. You will notice the benefits of Tequila almost immediately, and with a regimen of regular doses you can overcome any obstacles that prevent you from living the life you want to live. Shyness and awkwardness will be a thing of the past, and you will discover many talents you never knew you had. Stop hiding and start living, with Tequila. Tequila may not be right for everyone. Women who are pregnant or nursing should not use Tequila. However, women who wouldn't mind nursing or becoming pregnant are encouraged to try it. Side effects may include dizziness, nausea, vomiting, incarceration, erotic lustfulness, loss of motor control, loss of clothing, loss of money, loss of virginity, delusions of grandeur, table dancing, headache, dehydration, dry mouth, and a desire to sing Karaoke and play all-night rounds of Strip Poker, Truth Or Dare, and Naked Twister.

[sendra45]

An old Italian man lived alone in the country. It was Spring and he wanted to dig his tomato garden, as he had done every year, but it was very hard work for the aging man as the ground was hard. His only son, Vincent, who used to help him, was currently in prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament: Dear Vincent, I am feeling pretty bad because it looks like I won't be able to plant my tomato garden this year. I'm just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. If only you were here my troubles would be over. I know you would dig the plot for me. Love Dad A few days later he received a letter from his son: Dear Dad, Not for nothing, but don't dig up that garden. That's where I buried the BODIES. Love Vinnie At 4 a.m. the next morning, FBI agents and local police arrived at the old man's house and dug up the entire area. However, they didn't find any bodies, so they apologized to the old man and left. That same day the old man received another letter from his son. Dear Dad, Go ahead and plant the tomatoes now. That's the best I could do under the circumstances. Love Vinnie

[xaphod]

Posted: 12 Jun 2006 08:20 Post subject: Little Jimmy -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Hello Mum & Dad decided that the only way to pull off a Sunday afternoon "quickie" with their 8 year old son in the apartment was to send him out on the balcony with an ice cream and tell him to report on all the neighborhood activities. He began his commentary as his parents put their plan into operation: "There's a car being towed from the parking lot" he shouted. A few moments passed. "An ambulance just drove by" A few moments later, "Looks like the Anderson's have company" he called out. "Matt's riding a new bike....." "The Coopers are having sex!!" Startled, Mother and Dad shot up in bed!!! Dad cautiously asked, "How do you know they are having sex??" "Jimmy Cooper is standing out on his balcony with an ice cream too." Xa

[sendra45]

Always wear clean underwear in public, especially when working under your vehicle. From the Northwest Florida Daily News comes this story of a Crestview couple who drove their car to Walmart, only to have their car break down in the parking lot. The man told his wife to carry on with the shopping while he fixed the car in the lot. The wife returned a while later to see a small group of people near the car. On closer inspection, she saw a pair of male legs protruding from under the chassis. Although the man was in shorts, his lack of underpants turned private parts into glaringly public ones. Unable to stand the embarrassment, she dutifully stepped forward, quickly put her hand UP his shorts, and tucked everything back into place. On regaining her feet, she looked across the hood and found herself staring at her husband who was standing idly by. The mechanic, however, had to have three stitches in his forehead

[sendra45]

When Jane initially met Tarzan of the Jungle, she was attracted to him, and during her questions about his life, she asked him how he had sex. "Tarzan not know sex," he replied. Jane explained to him what sex was. Tarzan said, "Oh, Tarzan use hole in trunk of tree." Horrified, she said, "Tarzan you have it all wrong, but I will show you how to do it properly." She took off her clothes and lay down on the ground. "Here," she said. "You must put it in here." Tarzan removed his loincloth, stepped closer with his huge erection, and then gave her an almighty kick right in the crotch. Jane rolled around in agony for what seemed like an eternity. Eventually she managed to gasp for air and screamed, "What did you do that for?" "First check for bees."

[sendra45]

Hard Girl Three girls are sitting around, totally bored so one girl suggests that they make up nicknames for their ideal boyfriends and name them after soda pops. "I want mine to be 7-Up, 'cause 7 days a week he's up." "I want mine to be Mountain Dew 'cause when he's in between my mountains, we'll be doing it." "Mine's gonna be Jack Daniel's." "You can't do that. Here we are talking about soda pop and you're talking about a hard liquor." "Exactly."

[sendra45]

During a visit to the mental asylum, a visitor asked the Director what the criterion was which defined whether or not a patient should be institutionalised. "Well," said the Director, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub." "Oh, I understand," said the visitor. "A normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup. "No," said the Director, "A normal person would pull the plug. Do you want a bed near the window?"

[Calv]

A man and a woman who have never met before find themselves in the same sleeping carriage of a train. After the initial embarassment, they both manage to get to sleep; the woman on the top bunk, the man on the lower. In the middle of the night, the woman leans over and says, "I'm sorry to bother you, but I'm awfully cold and I was wondering if you could possibly pass me another blanket." The man leans out and, with a glint in his eye, says, "I've got a better idea....let's pretend we're married." "Why not," giggles the woman. "Good", he replies. "Get your own damn blanket."

[vector]

Two guys are hiking in the woods when all of a sudden they hear a bear roar! They freeze and then watch in fright as the bear starts to run towards them. Hiker #2 bends down and starts changing from his hiking boots to his running shoes. "Are you doing that to outrun the bear?" hiker #1 nervously asks. "No", said hiker #2. "I only have to outrun you!"