This One Is For Heelster.

[ilikekicks]

This here is that thare redneck ways of living! Im sure Heelster will probably read this and say ' yeah, been there done that all before ' but a lot of you will piss yourselves laughing or saying ' no way! '.

 

Im not leaving any disclaimer on this as those of you whom have read some of my stories know a few things :

 

- They are 100% real, factual and really happened.

- I pull no punches, what you read is what you get.

- If you get offended, thats YOUR problem, this here is entertainment, nothing more. I get pleasure out of telling these tales and you will either piss yourself laughing, question humanity, or get angry. You decide for yourself as Im too busy living my own damn life and cleaning up farm animal shit everyday. Dont have time for your problems anymore.

 

 Heelster wrote in another thread :

Lucky dog - - All I get are sweatpants and flip flops. Maybe an occasional sneaker now that fall is here.

 

I wanted to tell him " Come out to the Farm on any Sunday. Lots of women in Dresses with Stockings and Heels! Its required!!! ". I decided to do a story instead.

 

Im writing this as if it were a message to Heelster but Im letting everyone read it. Comment on it if you want, its all fine by me.

 

 

 

Remember this comment:

"Sundays have a mandatory dress code! Dresses, heels and stockings or Granny will skin you alive!"

 

On to the Story..

 

I was new ' out on the farm '. I had to spend the first few days getting to know ' these people '. Whom they were and what they were all about. Find my way around. Had a house to put back together and make livable again..

 

I met In-laws and cousins I didnt know I had or just had heard about over the years. It was a close-nit type of group and I was the Outsider.

 

I met a few briefly before but.. well.. You know how it is out in the ' sticks '.

 

One of the first women I met was one of the Aunts. Her name is Donna. Shes ' ok ' by me but seemed too friendly at first. Wife didnt like her then.. doesnt like her much now either. They are like a pair of cats with a yarn ball. Good entertainment sometimes.

 

She was warning us that Granny and her sister are very strict when it comes to Sundays. You can do whatever you want all week long but Sunday is for family. Church, then the gathering afterwards for lunch/dinner and recreation. ' Family time '. Granny and her sister ' dont forget ' when you miss a Sunday.

 

Im not a church goer. F---, I dont care for temple 'none neither '. Call me a dysfunctional jew. I dont care for all that theocratical stuff. If someone else has it.. fine, good for them. I hope it saves them or finds them enlightenment or whatever.. ' god bless them '.

 

She ( Donna ) was telling me the ' rules ' when I first arrived on the farm. All about Sundays and that the ladies had to wear ' nice clothes ' and the men were required to ' clean up '.. Table time was always 12:00noon and not to be a minute late.

 

Darian asked her ' What do you wear on Sundays? Skirts and a nice top? ' and was told " trash like that isnt good on sundays.". "Sundays have a mandatory dress code! Dresses, heels and stockings or Granny will skin you alive!".

 

WTF? " Dresses, stockings and shoes with a heel. Proper attire. Men wear clean clothes, dont have their hair a mess and a good bathing ".

 

I asked her why there was a difference? Dont the women have to take a shower before getting dressed too? What If I wanted to wear a dress, stockings and heels?

 

Mind you, she didnt have a clue to who the hell I am before this conversation.

 

She really screwed up..

 

" Well.. if you want to wear one of your wifes dresses, stockings and heels, Your about the same size so.. I guess they might fit! " to which she laughed her ass off.

 

I told her " remember you said that. " and laughed right alone with her. Darian was a bit pissed and was going to say something but held her tongue.

 

I spent the next 3-4 days moving stuff in and learning about the farm. I fixed a LOT of shit. They didnt have anyone whom could weld worth a damn so I spent a lot of time with a helmet and coat on.

 

Grandpa took to me quickly. He likes ' useful people '. People whom arent afraid to get off their ass and get something for themselves. Hes like 80something years old and STILL rides a tractor every morning. I fixed so much stuff that one day I found myself on a chair on his poarch. He brought out the lemonaide and his corn pipe and we had a chat for.. 4 or 5 hours. We had tall tales and some that might be true. His brother brought over some ' mason jar special ' and I had to tell them I dont drink.

 

Grandpa understood I was a bit ' different '. Not ' odd ' or ' messed up ', he was just polite and called me ' different '.

 

He didnt understand why I would lower a truck towards the ground instead of lifting it up for more ground clearance. He didnt understand why I have a small eco-car as a daily driver ( that now sits.. ) instead of having a ' utility ' vehicle ( IE: Pick up truck/farm truck ). He didnt understand that I think Crapsman.. er.. craftsman tools are garbage and I like S&K, MAC, Snap-On.

 

I told him that sometimes I just like to go out and do shit that Ive never done before ' just because ' but I dont bother nobody about it.

 

I love that old guy. I sit and bullshit with him every night. Learned not to play Yuker with him as he cheats! He buries aces in pinochle and LOVES hold-em.

 

So.. Sunday came around and I told grandpa I was going to shock people with what I was gonna wear. My brother-in-law and sister already knew what was coming so they made sure to be there early. My sister actually volunteered to help Granny and her sister with everything, something she NEVER does willingly. Granny and her sister HAD to know something was gonna happen.

 

So.. we have my sister, granny and her sister in the kitchen. Donna shows up with her daughter and Im on the porch with Grandpa and hes kicked back like nothings new. Donna comes up the stairs and sees my NineWest booties on my feet and stops dead in her tracks.

 

" WHAT ARE YOU DOING!?!?!?! "

' Who me? '

" YES YOU! ARE YOU INSAME! "

' No. Im sitting here on the porch with Grandpa enjoying the birds, a cool breeze and some great conversation. Care to join us? '

" NO!! WHATS ON YOUR FEET! "

 

She was yelling pretty loud and grandpa had to tell her to mind her mannors.. she didnt like that much but its HIS house. HIS land. Hes the King of the kingdom..

 

So.. she bit her tongue and went into the house to go do her part for dinner..

 

Her daughter hung out with Grandpa and I. Shes like 19-20, Stacked and has an ass that deserves to be admired. Farmers tan. I can see where the rumors of inbreeding come from.. sucks to be married sometimes! This happened to be one of them but I know she is Grandpas chosen favorite and hes quite accurate with his Henry out to 125yards. Seen it first hand, Shit you not! Tagging crows! Iron sights at that!

 

I watched the ladies ( and their men and daughters/sons ) arrive for about an hour. Every last woman/girl there had on a dress, stockings and heels. There wasnt a ' heavy set ' one about them. Some were even sporting ankle strapped stilettoes. I shit you not! Not a pair of ' jackstands ' on any of them either!

 

When the dinner bell was rung, Grandpa leaned over towards me and said " See.. I got me the best seat in the house. Every sunday I get that display walking right by in front of me and I dont have to move my ass none to see it! It comes to me! ".

 

I told him he should sell some tickets and get some greenbacks out of it! 

 

So.. dinner call happens, we all make our way to the table. Darian *just* arrived on time. She had to work that morning and these people dont understand working on a Sunday. They NEVER worked a Sunday in their lives! Its a sacred day for them.

 

So.. Darian is in her work clothes. Its a suit coat, skirt and a blouse. Of course she has a pair of heels on her feet. Me? Im in a pair of clean painters pants, white collared shirt thats buttoned up and my Black NineWest booties.

 

We sit down, they say grace, then the digging in starts. All the passing of plates and ' please/thank you ' going on.. I had to sit back and watch this as I had NEVER seen this shit before! There was 30-40 people there.. I was used to seeing someone getting forked once in a while! Done it myself and have been on the receiving end as well! But this was like finely directed traffic! Food being passed everywhere and NOTHING was dropped/spilled!

 

So.. the conversation starts. They were all talking about someones car breaking down and then about some barn raising think in 2 weeks and a bunch of other trivial crap.. I noticed Donna just looking right at me and Darian was all smiles.

 

All I could think of was a Hawk flying round looking down on a field mouse.. I had to look at Darians hand to see if she grew talons..

 

So.. I had to introduce myself AND my wife ( formality, men are supposed to introduce their women.. along with getting the door and a slew of other shit.. ).

 

Not wearing a cotton shirt and ' clean jeans ' drew the attention of one of the guys there and he asked " You wear office shirts like that a lot? "

 

' Nope. Just on Sundays. I figured this is better then what I was thinking of wearing. Better to be respectful then uncourtious ".

 

To which Donna HAD to say something.

 

" Lemme guess, you were going to wear one of your wifes Dresses! "

 

Dead silence folks. Shits gonna hit the fan now..

 

I looked around and Grandpa is sitting there with a Smile. He just gives me a nod  to ' go ahead ' so I decided I have his blessing, I might as well say my peace.

 

' No, not at all. I was actually going to wear one of mine. Neon pink and matching stilettoes.. I decided against it at the last minute.'.

 

I heard fome forks hitting the floor, some people coughing.. saw some eyes roll.. Someone had milk come out their nose..

 

Donna decided to try and put the dagger in further by asking me If I was really married to a woman or if its just to hide something..

 

So.. Darian decided to speak..

 

" You were the one that stated it looked like he would fit in my dresses and that you saw nothing wrong with it. If you werent laughing, maybe he would have show you his wardrobe. It is quite nice with lots of tasteful outfits. If such wasnt wanted here, why did you make such a suggestion if not to bring chaos to a good family gathering? "

 

Donna went to say something and Grandma cut her off with a very loud " Mind your manors at my table! " to her daughter. I thought Grandpa was the King out here but Grandma is definitely the ' Hammer ' at the table. She doesnt tolerate ANY bullshit and is ALL business when it comes to everything ' family '.

 

" Young man.. Explain yourself.. Please ".

 

So I told Grandma about meeting Donna, what was said and that I knew she was joking but that I have been wearing heeled footware for about 2 years. I thought it would be a good way to ' melt the ice ' and maybe generate a laugh or 2. I told her my wife and I are both into the opposite gender VERY MUCH and keep to ourselves about it. We dont sleep around and are monogynous. After going through a bunch of medical procedures and loosing weight, mens clothes didnt fit right and so I adopted wearing some womens clothes, cant walk around naked all the time.

 

I then told her that High Heels were originally a male footware. THAT caught EVERYONES attention. I told her Nobility and others liked to ' stand above ' people and horse stirrups certainly need a heel to help keep ones feet in the saddle.

 

I didnt have the whole history but mentioned its all out there in history and public information if they cared to look into it.

 

Some of the guys didnt believe me. Actually, Darian took over at that point. She knew some of the time frames and things like the nobility and such, how women stole a lot of mens fashion. She went on about skirts and kilts and held everyones attention.. at the same time, I was cleaning out all the mashed taters and slaw! We work good together like that!

 

By the end of dinner, Grannies response was " Well.. it looks like we have a well versed add to the family now. " and that was the END of it.

 

To this day, NOBODY has made any suggestions or has questioned what I wear endless *I* have brought it up.

 

The ladies of the family spent one night checking out some of the Galleries here at hhplace.com . They LOVED JeffB's gallery! Half of them stated they would die for Dasuki's legs! Then the whole wanting to see what shoes *I* own.. and what they could borrow..

 

They all told me how after they went home, some of their hubbies had some not too nice thoughts about me but it seems the ladies know how to control their men. They all seem ok and dont feel threatened that a guy would dare wear ' their clothes '. One even has some ideas about things for her hubby that sort of sprouted after gabbing with me and seeing this site. Shes probably reading this right now ( Hello Bristol! ) ( just in case. Have to be friendly, ya know )

 

The guys.. well.. nothing is really said. I can walk up wearing just about anything and they just dont make any ' comments '. Im sure they might have some but for some reason, they dont believe their moment of entertaining comments will be worth the lashing that will come from it. 

 

The Folks in town? They havent said anything. No cat-calls or anything. Im polite to them, they are courteous to me.. all is well, fine and dandy.

 

Granny asked me later that week if I wore dresses and stockings too. I didnt think she knew to say when I told her " Well Maam.. I dont do stockings or dresses on a regular basis but Ill wear the heels without any complaints. Why should it only be the ladies suffering? ". 

 

Her and I get along REAL WELL.

 

The Wife and other women are a pretty good group. They go and do their thing and seem to be getting along ' ok '.

 

Have a good evening!

[Shafted]

I refrained from drinking my morning coffee until I read this. I didn't want it coming out my nose.

[Heelster]

Reminds me of my Grandma. She was the king, hammer, queen - - - She was the boss. She was also a professional woman working in a man's business field, and she didn't take any crap from anyone. I'll have to tell you about her sometime.

 

Yes, there are still a few families like that around here, although most don't have the dress code yours has.

 

Land of pickup's and SUV's most with big reese hitches - - 4 wheel drive of course.

 

Yep - -I can relate.

 

You know you live in/near a small town when 3 family reunions covern 90% of the population.

[radiodave]

Great story!  Enjoyed reading it.  I'm just trying to imagine the look on Donna's face before Granny cut her off.