I've reached that stage where I'd normally be thinking about purging. It used to happen about once every 6months to a year where I'd get obsessed to the point of distraction and bin all the heels because I can't cope with constantly thinking about them all day every day. My other big problem is the association with pot and the fantasy world that comes with being stoned and wearing heels.

I am not going to purge this time - I am going to push through and see what lies beyond! I also feel that the pot keeps me from doing that one thing many of us strive for and often never achieve and that's find the confidence to wear them out and about in public.

I have plans for a heeling holiday. I'd like to do a couple of nights in a west London hotel, richmond/kew somewhere with no scallies or scrotes (rough neck undesirable stupid types - you'd call them red necks in the US) and spend the days getting used to walking out in femme shoes. I'd start flat and slowly work my way up to the higher heels. I have enough styles and heel heights to go at it slowly and break myself in slowly. I also fancy going to some really touristy areas (London eye, buck palace etc) and it also makes perfect sense because here i really am going to be surrounded by people who I will most likely never see again.

I also just need to smoke less. It's great when I've been without for a bit or I have to keep it to a minimum because of work or whatever but I have been really addicted for the last few years. I'll get over it - I have to - and when I do I think it will help me get out in my heels. I really want to and it's all I can think about sometimes but just can't find the courage. Plus I'm not confident doing it round by where I live. Need to get over the initial shock somewhere I am anonymous.

You read so many stories on this site about how once people have got over it they find the whole thing a bit of an anti-climax. I can believe it and I want to feel it so I can stop the feeling of anticipation boiling away within me! The attached photo are the shoes I have ear marked for the first outing preceded by my new stave madden flat ballerinas I took delivery of last week...

All this talk has been going on for a long time but it has never happened but then I've never not purged. So we shall see. Hopefully soon. I've even found a hotel somewhere for a decent price but time is limited until 2 days before xmas. Touring madness! Come on man - make a break for yourself. Get out and get heeling. You know you want to!