sohoboot Posted November 8, 2002 Share Posted November 8, 2002 Most of you probably won't remember me but I posted to the old board a couple times about a year ago and have been lurking here ever since. To recap my posts of last year, I live in a very conservative county in western NY and manage a family restaurant. The combination forces me to be very careful with the image that I present to people so it doesn't affect my occupation. Last year, I took my first steps out in public, going to deserted 24 hour grocery stores in the middle of the night and shortly thereafter, day trips into the city... always in very modest boots that could easily be construed as thick soled mens work boots to most people. Flash forward to this year... I met the girl I had always dreamed of having and we both fell deeply in love with each other. Literally everything I ever said that I wanted. I spilled my guts to her about all my secrets/quirks save this one. She too is into heels and everything else is great between us so I think she would handle it just fine. However, the one thing that came between us was she already had a boyfriend and had conflicting emotions about what she wanted since she's still relatively young. Between pressure from her parents, feelings of guilt, leaving for college, etc... I ended up getting pushed away and we didn't talk at all for a couple months. Losing the one thing that I always wanted drove me to contemplating suicide. I was completely comfortable with doing it, had the date and method picked out, wrote my suicide note and will, pre-planned my funeral, etc... As the date got closer and closer, I had this desire to come clean to some of my closest friends about my secrets. I had never told them because I feared their reaction. I'm pretty much a loner and didn't want to push away the few people I cared about. Well, they got all the secrets except for one... which I told them was something that was only to be known to that special someone. My best friend, being extremely concerned about my deteriorating state and knowing there wasn't really anything he could do to help, bit the bullet and called the woman who was the source of my problem. He absolutely hates her for doing what she did to me but knew he didn't have any other choice. It was about 2 weeks before the chosen date when I received the call from her... she left the other guy and wasn't sure that she was ready for anything right now, but we started talking again... and just hearing her voice and knowing she still cared completely changed my mind about what I was going to do... (on a side note, things are much better now and the date has come and gone) In the aftermath, I found somewhat relieved to get most of my secrets off my chest and didn't have anyone react too negatively. Most of the people who found things out were in shock to find out about my wild undercurrent more than anything else. With that relief, I had a growing desire to tell one of my friends about my final secret. I know my best friend wouldn't accept it very well, so I turned to his ex-gf, since she is someone that I'm close enough to that I know I can trust her and yet distant enough that she can't really cause any problems if she had a negative reaction. I also knew she wore the same size shoe so it could be sort of a bonding moment. Being curious as to what my final secret was, in the week or so leading up to telling her, I dropped a few hints to kind of prepare her for it. This week, we made plans for her to come over on a night that I knew none of my other friends would be around so I can help her with a research paper she needed to do and she could see the project I've spent the last 2 months working on. A little while before she got here, I had put on a pair of black knee boots with a chunky 3" heel and square toe under a pair of longer jeans that hid the heel pretty well. I was out in my garage working on my project when she got here and I motioned for her to park on the lawn, conveniently in a place where I could walk on grass almost all the way back to the garage to avoid the heel click, and went over to greet her. She got out of the car and we said our hellos... I brought her into the garage and on the way, she did a casual glance down at the ground. Being the gentleman that I am, opened the door and let her walk through first. This also had the side benefit of me being able to go in after her so I could walk a little ackwardly to avoid the click. I sent her over to the project and slowly followed behind her when she wasn't looking. After about 5 minutes of checking it out, she was on one side and I was on the other. I shyly asked her if she noticed my secret. She smiled and her response was "What, your shoes?" Figuring that she probably noticed them when she looked down at the ground, I replied with a "yeah." She followed with a "I thought they looked kinda girly but I didn't want to say anything." At this point, I moved my leg into view and lifted up my pantleg. She busted out laughing, telling me she would be rolling on the floor if there was room. Not quite the initial reaction I was looking for but she quickly apologized and started asking me questions about them... Before leaving the garage, she said it just kind of took her by surprise, knowing the image that I normally present... She was very accepting of them and repeatedly told me that night that it's not a secret I should be bothered by and if my friends can't accept me for who I am, they can go <explitive> themselves. We went to my room to work on the paper and while we were there, we started talking about how I've got a collection bigger than hers. She asked to see them and had a chuckle again at a couple fetish pair that I have but while she was looking, she grabbed a pair and said "ooh, I love these! Can I try them on?" Of course I let her... they were a bit too large though, the result of a quick grab at a department store without trying them. We talked a little bit about my adventures going out and why some of the shoes don't fit as well as they could. I told her how I still get a little nervous when going into stores to buy shoes. She piped in with a "well, sometime we'll have to go shoe shopping together... I just love shopping!" Going with a girl will make it more comfortable for me in the store since I have a reason to be looking... even looking at the same racks Also means that I can avoid the gay stereotype by having a girl walking around with me while I'm in heels. Overall, I'd say it's been a great experience... Next up on the list is my (soon to be once again, hopefully) gf once our ties grow back to where they were. I don't want to risk scaring her off after just reaquainting ourselves again. I'm not sure I can ever tell my best friend, not because of his reaction because I don't think he'd notice if I didn't say anything, but because I don't want to put him in an uncomfortable situation with his other friends if they find out. Thanks for listening Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sway Posted November 9, 2002 Share Posted November 9, 2002 Wow man sorry things didnt go right with the girl first time around. I like you have a high profile position where my creditability is of utmost importance and have to make sure people trust me. I know what its like having to keep you nose clean walk a straight line and never waver. You sound a lot like me an introvert I know a lot of people but can count the people that I call friend outside of my family on one hand. You keep everything to your self, very dedicated to your work and have passions that can consume you for the things that you like or love. You probably don't revel this to you family because you think it is a weakness and you must be strong for them......Am I wrong? Brother let it out like you have talk too a close friend or it will do bad things to you. I haven't gone as far as you but there have been times when I hated my dreary existence and felt trapped. Im 40 years old and got hit with nerve damage in my feet last year some days the pain is to the point I cant walk to my mail box and then I have better days that I do the things to take care of my self. Now some things that were goals for me in the past dont seem as important any more I take it day by day. Ever now and then I put my heels on and go out for a night on the town yes I pay for it for several days but I think of the fun I had. It sounds like you have found somebody in you friends ex-gf when she busted out laughing is a natural response to something she didnt know how to handle. The offer for a shopping trip sounds very interesting do you like her ? Kelly Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sohoboot Posted November 9, 2002 Author Share Posted November 9, 2002 Yeah... I'm extremely introverted. I talk to people I know and that's about it. When it comes to women, I have less than zero confidence (though I have found something that sometimes helps break the ice... will mention it below) - A completely came on to me... Said introversion is compounded by the fact that my dad had a stroke 4 years ago and I'm the only one who's willing to take care of him, which kinda puts another cramp on the social life. Not exactly good for someone in their mid-20s. I'm a workaholic and spend my free time enjoying one of dozens of hobbies, often immersing myself quite deeply. I have exactly one person who I would call a close friend, the girl that I love, we'll call her A, my best friend's gf, we'll call her S, a former employee, B, that I grew close to and has helped me through the last few months, and a few peripheral "friends." Said best friend is the only one who's stuck by me through anything and everything... As for S... I'm still completely dedicated to A and while things aren't quite where I'd like them to be, we're progressing and I'm very hopeful that we can reignite everything that we already had. I do have an attraction to S but there are problems with that... 1) my love for A 2) S sees me like a brother more than anything else and 3) S and my best friend just broke up about a month ago after a 4 year relationship and he isn't over her yet. I don't want to go for her and have it be a wedge between him and I since my friends are so few and he's never done anything to betray me (yes, he would very much take it as a betrayal of him... he doesn't even want her and I to talk). As to the ice breaker... A knows I have an attraction to navel piercings and had been contemplating getting one of her own but was scared. I had thought about doing my own before, mainly because I wanted to know what it was like first hand... Her apprehension was about the only excuse I needed to go ahead and do it. So, I ordered the stuff online and did it myself (after all, if I can impale myself, it can't be that bad being done by someone else). She still didn't end up doing hers (well, she did it about a month ago when we weren't talking... I'm just disappointed I wasn't there ) but... all of the women (7) I've told found it fascinating that a male would do that. Of those 8, 5 already had theirs done and we got into conversation about them... Two of the others have asked me to do theirs. Took me almost 2 months to tell my best friend since I feared how he would react... he was surprised but took it much better than I thought. A couple months ago, I added another... that combined with telling him I've got a total of 5 holes in my ears (not that you'd ever notice them unless I told you they were there - he didn't for 5 years) kinda pushed him farther than he was ready to go... He understands that I'm not gay but I think it might push him over the edge if he knew about the heels. Too much too quick for him. With the reaction to my navel, I'd have to say most of the girls who know about it would probably not freak about the heels, but one step at a time... wouldn't want to risk things getting back to my best friend and end up pushing him that much more. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sohoboot Posted November 21, 2002 Author Share Posted November 21, 2002 So... S came over the other night to finish writing her research paper... she purposely wore her new pair of boots and after she finished, she had me try them on as payment for helping with the paper. We still haven't set a date to go shopping yet. After going to visit A, I've decided I'm sick of her games and that I need to break things off. Which opens possibilities for S, especially since we've joked a little about dating. On the not so good side, my best friend and I were out on Halloween and I saw a guy wearing heels. Made a comment to my best friend about it later... we saw the same guy last night and my best friend turned to me and goes "Isn't that the faggot that was wearing the heels the other night?" Kinda pushed back the schedule on telling him, although I have another friend ( that I'll be telling soon. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Yamyam Posted November 24, 2002 Share Posted November 24, 2002 On the not so good side, my best friend and I were out on Halloween and I saw a guy wearing heels. Made a comment to my best friend about it later... we saw the same guy last night and my best friend turned to me and goes "Isn't that the faggot that was wearing the heels the other night?" Kinda pushed back the schedule on telling him, although I have another friend ( that I'll be telling soon. I don't think that should put you off too much. It's my experience that things like that stick much more in my head than anyone elses, purely because I'm more stressed about it than anyone else. My brother's made a comment to me about something, which he'd forgotten the next minute, but I remember to this day. That's just being human. Obsessed is such a strong word. I prefer to think of myself as "differently enthusiastic" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sohoboot Posted November 25, 2002 Author Share Posted November 25, 2002 He's got a few gay tendencies that a lot of us that are close to him have noticed... I think he might actually be bi even though I've only known him to date women... perhaps he's just trying to defend his masculinity and that's why he felt the need to say that. I've heard him make similar comments about other things (namely, piercings) and when I confronted him on it, he'll tell me I'm an exception. I dunno... On the S front, her and I talked again tonight. She wants us to hang out wedensday and specifically mentioned that "maybe we should go shopping." Will report back and let everyone know how that goes. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Brandy Posted December 18, 2002 Share Posted December 18, 2002 I don't think that should put you off too much. It's my experience that things like that stick much more in my head than anyone elses, purely because I'm more stressed about it than anyone else. My brother's made a comment to me about something, which he'd forgotten the next minute, but I remember to this day. That's just being human. There is this thing people do called projection. They project their hopes, fears, desires onto others. It is the recognition within one's self of a trait that is (un)desired, -- self hate/love AND deeply surpressed. This is projected onto others, in it's worest form like gay bashing (stalking) people die. The person(s) doing the bashing sees this as beating his own deamon. Self hate is a very distructive emotion. Your friend is with you 'cause you have something he wants. From your best friends reaction he really wants to wear those heels also, real, real bad. He may even want to try full TV, but his emotions are very, very surpressed. Be glad your not in his skin -- it hurts! Be carefull with him, draw him out slowly. One way to start, when the opertunity presents it's self, start talking about how everyone has both male and female emotions from really butch girls to really fem guys. Scratch and they bleed just like everyone and they are still real people, and happy living in their own skin 'cause they have accepted themselves for who they are - no more pretending. How do I know 'cause I've been there!! Seven years ago my second wife took off with another guy. That hurt so bad that I swore I'd never go there again. So I started on my journey, it passed thru Al-Anon, there I learned how to live one-day-at-a-time. I also learned how to look inward. I found the self hate, what I found was driving that was rejection. I was rejecting a piece of myself. The part that said I wanted to dress like I want, not what someone else tells me to wear. I wanted to wear heels, skirts, pantyhose, all that stuff that's girlly. So was I gay? Was I queer? Did I want to be girl? Did I want boobs? The answer turned out was no, I just wanted to wear skirts, heels, pantyhose when I felt like it, just like any other person. I'm still a guy, I still look very male who just has a slightly different clothing style than most men. And yes I'm also introverted, but tell you what, walk into a store wearing a Utilikilt, heeled boots, hose, you get noticed, better look good, & have a good attitude 'cause some of the best remarks come from very pretty ladies. -- Brandy Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sohoboot Posted December 18, 2002 Author Share Posted December 18, 2002 I've decided that I'm slowly going to work him into it without telling him just to see if he notices... As far as he knows, I wear white nikes everywhere... so, the last couple times we've gone out, I've switched to a pair of black (mens) work boots. After he gets used to seeing the black, I'm going to switch to a more masculine looking female boot to see if he notices. I figure chances are that he'll at most see the black and just figure it's my work boots again. From there I'll switch to the ones I wear around other people that know and see how long it takes from him to realize it. The shopping trip I mentioned with my one friend above got delayed... we're now supposed to go tomorrow. Since she's known though, she's already managed to get me to buy a pair of the same boots she wore over and had me try on. I've also broken it to a couple of my other friends in the mean time... a couple had a hard time grasping the reasoning behind my doing it so to make it easier, I told them they're more comfortable, help my posture (and thus my back), etc. Despite being in the middle of a really conservative area, nobody has had a problem with it yet. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Julietta Posted April 25, 2003 Share Posted April 25, 2003 The shopping trip I mentioned with my one friend above got delayed... we're now supposed to go tomorrow. Any update on this yet Sohoboot? Let calm be widespread May the sea glisten like greenstone And the shimmer of summer Dance across your pathway "Communication is a two way thing" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sohoboot Posted April 25, 2003 Author Share Posted April 25, 2003 over the winter, we made it a regular trip to go out shopping. It was quite fun to actually have someone to go with, even with the same size no less. Since telling her, I ended up with 7 more pair. Unfortunately, spring has arrived and neither of us are really that into sandals and such, plus she switched to working the graveyard shift so our schedules have been clashing, so we haven't been out shopping in a while. OTOH, since I've told most of my friends, they pretty much have come to expect me to wear aa pair of boots out. The couple times I haven't, my best friend has chimed right in, asking why I chose to forgo them for the day. With summer almost here and the fact that I almost exclusively wear shorts because I don't like the heat, chances are I won't be wearing them too much for a while. I'm not quite ready to wear a pair of knee high boots with my shorts everywhere Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
micha Posted April 25, 2003 Share Posted April 25, 2003 over the winter, we made it a regular trip to go out shopping. It was quite fun to actually have someone to go with, even with the same size no less. Since telling her, I ended up with 7 more pair. Unfortunately, spring has arrived and neither of us are really that into sandals and such, plus she switched to working the graveyard shift so our schedules have been clashing, so we haven't been out shopping in a while. OTOH, since I've told most of my friends, they pretty much have come to expect me to wear aa pair of boots out. The couple times I haven't, my best friend has chimed right in, asking why I chose to forgo them for the day. With summer almost here and the fact that I almost exclusively wear shorts because I don't like the heat, chances are I won't be wearing them too much for a while. I'm not quite ready to wear a pair of knee high boots with my shorts everywhere Hi sohoboot, I'm really happy that you have taken the curve. I have read this thread again and was very scared about your suicide thoughts. No love to a girl and no fetish love for heels are worth to throw your life away. In my youth I had similar problems with my homosexuality: the omnipresent fear of the reactions of friends, my parents and simply everybody. Now I'm grinning about my former fears. Today I don't hesitate to wear high heels in public. For me it's a prickling feeling to walk on stilettos in the shopping mall. Most friends know and accept my addiction. In my opinion it's an advantage of life experience: to become more self-confident! I'm sure that you will still have a lot of fun in your life. I hope that you will never again ponder on suicide. micha The best fashion is your own fashion! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sohoboot Posted April 25, 2003 Author Share Posted April 25, 2003 I've been free of my suicidal thoughts since sometime in late january/early february... they weren't shoe related, just related to the woman who did a major mind job on me. Along the way, I've started listening to the people around me and found that pretty much everything she ever did to me was just a lie. She got under my defenses and found out what I was looking for so she could mold herself into that to get what she wanted from me. Since I've accepted that, I've found it easier to move on. However, what she did has really magnified my confidence problem with women (it's a long story that goes back to how I was treated in high school... the girls I liked merely pretended to be my friend so they could use me and mock me behind my back. Because of them, and the women since, I know have a major lack of confidence when it comes to talking to women I'm attracted to). I have found, however, that I'm MUCH more aggressive the few times I've been wearing heels and talked to women I'm attracted to. I think the fact that I'm "getting away" with something like that boosts my confidence in other areas. I also have a couple of non-typical guy piercings, such as a double navel, which I've found women love to talk about and relate to. I still generally keep my heels covered and still get somewhat unnerved if I wear a louder pair, but I'm only capable of doing so much at once I've even begun wearing them around my small rural town here and there. To this date, I've only been noticed once (and that was out in the city, when I was at a restaurant and stood up to find my pant leg had ridden up and wasn't covering the heel). It was by one of the managers and I know she went and told someone else. However, I still go there all the time and haven't ever gotten a look since - perhaps because they have a guy working there whom I spotted in fairly expensive womens boots on Halloween working there (too expensive for a guy who makes $7/hr to blow on a one-use purchase. Given that they were about a size 12, I also doubt he borrowed them from one of the girls). Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Yamyam Posted April 25, 2003 Share Posted April 25, 2003 Sounds like you're back with us, and making some progress. I'm glad to hear it! It's astonishing what you find out when you listen to the people around you. At Uni, after I broke up from my first real big relationship, my friends were putting me back together when one made a remark about 'the Poisoned Dwarf'. To sum up-that's what he and my other friends had always called that woman, just never when I was around. It was the one and only time I ever actually laughed myself sick. That was the first step to healing for me. Talking to women that you're attracted to isn't easy. Honest! Most of the people that know me would say I'm a big flirt, but even so - in the face of honest attraction to someone lovely, the words just don't seem to come out. You're not alone - hang in there, keep going, and I'm sure that you'll get places before you know it. On another note - a *double* navel pierce? How on earth does that work? (Yamyam, who's just used up his one day in the office next week when he'd have been near the tattoo and piercing shop ) Obsessed is such a strong word. I prefer to think of myself as "differently enthusiastic" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sohoboot Posted April 25, 2003 Author Share Posted April 25, 2003 The biggest hurdle to listening to the people around me was to first let myself admit that she might not be the one... Given the time of the year it was happening in (the holidays), I knew it wasn't something I could do until after the new year. Fortunately, my friends kept me around long enough to make the progress I needed As for talking to women... I'm 26 years old and I absolutely freeze when one I'm attracted to comes near (we're talking stare straight forward without moving or speaking). If I'm put into a situation where I have to talk to them on a personal level, I'll begin shaking violently. If I have to talk to them for business or something like that, I'm fine. It only happens when personal issues get involved. As for the double navel, one on the top and one on the bottom. I don't have a pic handy right now. On a side note, around the same time I broke myself out of the suicidalness, I lost the top one due to migration (think it had to do with the pressure of my laptop frequently laying on it as I'd prop it up on my stomach and legs when I was laying down). That was actually my first piercing and it was done expressly for the girl I was suicidal over (she wanted to get hers done but was afraid. If I could do my own, it can't be that bad, right?). So right now, I've only got the bottom one. I've let the scar tissue in the top one settle down over the last 2 months and one of these days, I'll get around to doing it again (I've done all of my piercings myself, ordering sterile needles and such online). Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Yamyam Posted April 26, 2003 Share Posted April 26, 2003 The biggest hurdle to listening to the people around me was to first let myself admit that she might not be the one... Given the time of the year it was happening in (the holidays), I knew it wasn't something I could do until after the new year. Fortunately, my friends kept me around long enough to make the progress I needed Yes, that's a tough part. Been there too. As for the double navel, one on the top and one on the bottom. I don't have a pic handy right now. On a side note, around the same time I broke myself out of the suicidalness, I lost the top one due to migration (think it had to do with the pressure of my laptop frequently laying on it as I'd prop it up on my stomach and legs when I was laying down). That was actually my first piercing and it was done expressly for the girl I was suicidal over (she wanted to get hers done but was afraid. If I could do my own, it can't be that bad, right?). So right now, I've only got the bottom one. I've let the scar tissue in the top one settle down over the last 2 months and one of these days, I'll get around to doing it again (I've done all of my piercings myself, ordering sterile needles and such online). You pierced yourself? My goodness, I don't think I could do that. Actually, I know I couldn't do that. Yikes! I think I'd call in the professionals for that one, and no mistake. Obsessed is such a strong word. I prefer to think of myself as "differently enthusiastic" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sohoboot Posted April 26, 2003 Author Share Posted April 26, 2003 You pierced yourself? My goodness, I don't think I could do that. Actually, I know I couldn't do that. Yikes! I think I'd call in the professionals for that one, and no mistake. 12 holes currently... 2 that I took out and one to add (the navel again). It's really not that bad. The top navel didn't hurt much more than pinching the skin on the back of your hand. You feel the clamp and then the needle hits the entrance side and it's over (I gave it about a 2.5 out of 10). Bottom navel was about a 4 because it's an odd position to do on oneself and my skin was tighter. Left nipple was about a 7.5 and the right nipple was about an 8 (since I'm right handed, I didn't have as much leverage as with the left so it went in slower... plus about 2 minutes earlier, I had learned what was coming). The tongue was about on par with the upper navel, barely any pain when I did it, just a slight burning sensation as the muscle striations pulled apart. It did hurt something fierce the next time I woke up (all the blood going to the tongue while laying flat) I did it partly to distract me from the pain of my suicidal problems and partially to test the limits of my pain threshold. Really, I don't have an attachment to any of the remaining ones, but I do miss the top navel (which is why I'll be redoing it sometime in the next month) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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