Newbie pondering possible changes in her life

[EmmaJ]

Hi all, My name is Emma, am in my mid 50's and new to this. I'm posting to the women's section because I'm more comfortable discussing this with other women. Part of this is because I'm a survivor who is in the process of working through trauma as well as "feminism / femininity" issues. If there are any men reading this, I'd appreciate your not commenting.. Men's experiences do not encompass these matters. I have great admiration for the dedication that the women here have, working hard to develop the physical skills, not to mention stamina to wear really high heels and not only to wear them, but to integrate them into their daily lives. I wish that I had the courage. Fears of unwanted attention as well as age are only a few of the challenges, if I choose to pursue this further. I've never been the type of person to seek attention and I feel that wearing more feminine would call attention to myself even at my age. btw I have always been a "sensible shoe" person. I've a few pair of heels but they are of the 1" or so variety, for my business skirt suits etc. I wear jeans and floods most of the time now and 1" conservative (dowdy?) looking heels don't really look too good with them so I wind up putting on something even less attractive like clogs. This doesn't mean that I don't like heels. To the contrary, I love them. Often I'd picked them up in a store to look, even tried them on (and quickly put them back in the box), but never took them home. I'm not only timid about the attention they could bring, but heels also make me question my "feminist" ideals, that heels make us objects in the eyes of men and that this expression of femininity is not one of empowerment, but of restriction. Of course these feminist feelings has not stopped me from dreaming of wearing them, enjoying the feeling they would give me, perhaps to learn about this "empowerment" thing that I've read so much about here. Are heels, restricting as they are, really "empowering"? I feel so dumb asking these questions as they are probably things that I should already know. But to be honest, I've avoided the issue of heels, in fact of anything that could be seen as really feminine or pretty. I've never dared to talk about this until now. But lately I've been like an addict, reading about them and shopping for prettier shoes. I did manage to force myself to buy an adorable pair of 3 1/2 inch stacked heels as trainers but unfortunately they caused an old broken ankle injury to flare up. After an hour walking around the house in them I sadly had to take them off so they are being returned in exchange for a lower 2 1/4" mule that is also quite feminine. I know that so low a heel isn't what you girls recommend but it seems that physically I can only do so much now. Even with such a low heel, the style is something that's going to cause a major change in wardrobe, not to mention a psychological shift, to more feminine things. My closet is filled with drab business skirt/pant suits and jeans, nothing very girlie. It's going to take some mental changes even to wear these as my rather staunch feminist public stance is being challenged. And then there are my girlfriends, all who typically wear flats and running shoes. How do I explain this sudden change in me? I know that I felt very different in those 3 1/2" shoes but still haven't sorted out if it was power that I felt or submissiveness? Why am I posting here? Well perhaps there is another point of view to this, something that would make me think differently and might encourage my "going public" with a considerably more feminine image. Something to cause me to question or rethink this "feminism" that seems to be preventing me from being what I've secretly always wanted to be like, but dared not to. Maybe I'm just a lost cause, sigh. My therapist told me today that femininity can be very powerful but she can't describe what femininity even is! I've not discussed this with her other than in my general feelings that this image is what "men want", that feelings like this cater to a "male ideal" of us. I know that even a low 2 1/2" inch heel can be more restrictive than a flat, not to mention having to deal with managing a skirt but is my feminism just as restrictive? And how can wearing heels be empowering? I just don't seem to be getting it and I can't exactly talk with my girlfriends about it. They'd think me crazy. I'm sorry that I am so dumb with all this. Wow! I really wrote a lot. Sorry. Anyway, thanks for reading if you managed to get this far. I enjoy reading of your accomplishments, the physical challenges, the diligent training, as well as the psychological obstacles that many of you have successfully overcome. Emma

[pussyinboots]

Dear Emma

Wow! That took a lot of courage girl! I feel for you and sympathise with your dilemma - but things are not so terrible as they may seem. I hold some quite firm feminist views when it comes to LIFE - but that has never stopped me being "feminine" as a woman - and wearing high heels. Your views and opinions on issues such as (for example) Equality in the Workplace, Equal Pay, Employment Rights, Human Rights, Religion, Politics and a whole gamut of other topics are just that - and are SEPARATE from your identity as a woman.

If you feel that being "feminist" means having to be be "dowdy", then I think that you are clouding the issue with stereotype - and that is a confidence thing. You ARE who you WANT to be - and if that is a woman who feels good in nice clothes and high heels - then so be it. NO-ONE else has the right to judge you for what you wear - and how you live your life.

CONVENTION dictates that feminists are drab, cigar-smoking, beer swilling, trainer-wearing "dykes". WE WOMEN know different. And if you are worried about your friends - then remember this little saying:

"Those who matter DON'T MIND - and those who mind DON'T MATTER" In other words - if your friends are TRUE friends - they'll love you for who you are - heels or no heels.

I think maybe that a lot of this is down to confidence - and in a way - your problem is very similar to those experienced by heterosexual cross-dressers when they start coming out.

The best thing to do is to talk this through further with your Counsellor. Wearing high heels IS empowering - for many reasons. They are erotic - and arouse men. They make YOU feel good as they change your physical stature and of course - with that comes a more adventurous wardrobe. They are also works of art in themselves - high heels are usually much prettier and more fetching than "flats" or trainers. And then of course - there are the associated innuendo's that go with heels - dominance, sexual aggressiveness etc etc. It goes the other way too - a lady wearing high heels is less capable than if she was running around in a jogging suit and Nike's. So there is the submissive side to it as well.

Hell - I can't explain it any better than your therapist could!! I just LOVE wearing high heels - FOR ME!

I think the best way to look at it - is in simple terms - and separate views and ideals from personal identity. Nancy Regan, Margaret Thatcher and Imelda Marcos ALL wore heels and had a femininity - as well as holding strong views and being powerful independent women.

Who am I?

What do I believe in?

What do I like to wear?

Keep it THAT simple.

[EmmaJ]

Dear pussyinboots, I appreciate your reply and had written a response however do not feel commfortable in posting it... posting here. I'd specifically requested that men refrain from responding. Apparently even in a group like this they have little respect for us. Right now I'm working through diffficult survivor issues and really don't need feedback from them, but support from sisters. I'll have to think about all of this now. Thanks again for your encouragement and wise words. Emma

[pussyinboots]

EmmaJ Posted: Mon Jun 26, 2006 12:47 pm Post subject:

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Dear pussyinboots,

I appreciate your reply and had written a response however do not feel commfortable in posting it... posting here. I'd specifically requested that men refrain from responding. Apparently even in a group like this they have little respect for us. Right now I'm working through diffficult survivor issues and really don't need feedback from them, but support from sisters.

I'll have to think about all of this now.

Thanks again for your encouragement and wise words.

Emma

I couldn't agree more with you about the interference of men in this instance - no respect at all.

Anytime you feel like talking things through - we can take this off-line through Private Message - or even Private EMail if you don't trust this Site.

Contact me via PM in the first instance.

xxxPiBxxx.

[Adeana]

I think that heels can be both empowering and submissive. it depends on things such as style the high heels, where you wear them, what you wear with them, or how you walk and carry yourself in them. just remember that you can adjust how you might be perceived, but can't control everyone else's perception.