Potential Consequences Of Fashion Choices (A Sobering Reminder)

[skirtandheel]

I have thought long and hard about posting anything on this topic because of the pain caused, but feel unable to contain myself any longer. It has finally been prompted by the thread http://hhplace.org/topic/22975-new-shoes-at-work/#entry342595 but to post it therein would likely divert the OP's point and is not appropriate. The following post was the trigger and what I say below is NOT intended to frighten anybody into hiding. This is likely a rare situation and combination of events.

For what it's worth, I have never lost a relative or family member for wearing high heels.

Unfortunately, I have been shunned by (supposed) friends and family. This led to isolation which, in turn, left me open and vulnerable to an abuser. After meeting someone I decided honesty would be the right approach so that she had the chance to decide before committing. However, the combination of isolation and a deceitful and manipulative person led to me losing employment for the first time in my life after 28 years, to being in hospital as a result of the depression (I was on the brink), with barely the clothes on my back and facing the prospect of becoming homeless.

As I said earlier, this is likely a rare combination of events and circumstances rather than the norm. Indeed, prior to meeting the individual I had been leading my life coping with the isolation by being the eccentric guy who wears heels and a skirt. Now, I only have one remaining pair of heels and a few skirts; none of which are worn openly and I can't actually remember the last time I put them on.

[Shafted]

As I added in the other thread, I haven't lost any friends either.

 

I do avoid wearing them around family, although I have run into relatives while in heels. Non-events really.

 

Without knowing what your fashion choices are, it's difficult to place blame. It's easy for many here to go overboard on their fashion choices. It shouldn't matter, but it does.

[meganiwish]

As Marge Simpson said, 'Anyone who beats you up for wearing a shirt isn't your friend.'

[skirtandheel]

Unfortunately, I have been shunned by (supposed) friends and family.

I didn't intend going into too much detail, but as far as family are concerned only two members have ever seen me wearing heels, one of whom came out a while afterwards. All of my heels were knee high boots, but the only ones worn had block heels of 2 inches (I don't have pictures) and were worn under jeans. The exception to the clothing rule were three fancy dress events for Halloween and New Year, when I paired things with a conservative skirt (black or blue denim).

These same people, both friends and family, have had, over the years, support from me for finding employment, invitations to attend social events when at loose ends and at all times the knowledge that I would be available to assist them for anything around their homes.

Frankly, most of my family have not contacted me, ever. I would regularly phone or drop by to see that they were ok, but have never had so much as a call from them. If I didn't contact them, there was no contact, despite them continually saying that we're all family and look out for each other. I lost my father at 14, my mother was in the early stages of dementia by the time I turned 21 and my brother has been severely clinically depressed since a teenager. I am the youngest and had been the sole supporter for over 25 years.

This led to isolation which, in turn, left me open and vulnerable to an abuser. After meeting someone I decided honesty would be the right approach so that she had the chance to decide before committing. However, the combination of isolation and a deceitful and manipulative person led to me losing employment for the first time in my life after 28 years, to being in hospital as a result of the depression (I was on the brink), with barely the clothes on my back and facing the prospect of becoming homeless.

So, when I met someone and told them before a relationship started I was already somewhat isolated. Initially, she said she respected me for telling her and that they were just clothes; I was the same person and the clothing didn't matter. Indeed, she showed an interest in me on a personal level that I had never before experienced, even with my ex-wife.

However, as time progressed I was slowly railed into moving in because it would be less disruptive to me than to her and her three children. Then I would come home to find rickety wardrobes and cupboards had finally "given way". I replaced them as it was difficult to function with everything on the floor. This was the start of the financial abuse.

Then came her "insecurities" that I would be unfaithful because I worked away from home. I altered working patterns to try to assuage such worries. I began working more from home, but slowly her close scrutiny of even that had an effect upon my work performance. This led to me being signed off work at the behest of my employer.

During this time I also became aware that if I were to decide to leave that she would tell my ex-wife of my clothing choices attempting to stop me seeing my daughter. She had already started to fracture my relationship with my daughter.

When I could take no more, all of my fears were proven. I had to defend myself against her lies and she put in a convincing performance to everyone.

I went to the police to try to get various belongings back. They gave me some paperwork, buried amongst which was one small additional sheet for victims of abuse, so they realised the signs but didn't say so to me and sent me off. One of them said she was a nasty person and that I should have chosen a better person.

It was only after this I met her ex and found out the pattern. I was not the first.

OK, I hadn't intended going into this as much as I have but, if there is any good to come from my experiences then it is best they are shared. If I can prevent just one person from becoming a victim of abuse, then this post will be worthwhile. I don't know exactly how this is meant to work, but if you feel any level of isolation, I urge you to seek support.

The health service is there in the UK, but is woefully inadequate; with mental health, the people who need the most help are the ones least able to ask for it.

Sadly, I have found the police to be useless. They do not recognise the problem and are institutionally gender biased.

Seek out other support groups and even look at volunteering in a charity shop. I have found that the volunteers with whom I work are mostly supportive of each other and it is generally in their nature to be caring. Maybe I've just been lucky, maybe I'm being niaive. Who knows, but when I had a relapse in December I had a new experience. People were worried about me! It's a nice feeling knowing that you matter to someone, but I felt ashamed to have caused such worry. It won't happen again.

Most importantly though, if you know anyone who may also be at risk, please look out for them and be the friend they need.

[5.5 Thrill]

Thank You for sharing