WARNING: This an emotional one!

[Julietta]

I feel a little weird writing this really because it is so personal, but due to the PM's I keep receiving regarding my best friend and myself I feel I need to do this. If you are expecting any more posts with regards to my friends "Coming Out" then there probably won't be. If you are confused then believe me you are not half as confused as I am and if any of you can shed some light on this then feel free to enlighten me. I have known him over a year now. The instant we met we hit it off. We were completely on the same wave length even down to liking stupid things like liking the same flavoured ice cream. We had such a brilliant open friendship, so much so he trusted me enough to tell me of his dress preference. He started of slowly and gradually opened up as the relationship went on. I have fully supported him throughout, any of you know that have read my postings that it is the person and how they relate to me that is important not what they are into. Maybe I was too enthusiastic when it should have been taken at a slower pace. I don't know........ We have been in touch with each other nearly every day since meeting, other than holidays and when either of us can't. We, until recently when his relationship broke down, were both in relationships. Mine is not an easy one as not only is bound by a child, and although over by years, is going through the legal system to finally be sorted. It is an abusive relationship (so when Susan the original talks of abusive men in heels I can say first hand that a man doesn't need heels to be nasty). That is by the by as I am a pretty happy person and won't let anyone bring me down, I see it as his problem not mine, but my daughter is another thing. Anyway enough of that. Something I still can't get used to though, is his silences as it makes me feel insecure and I think that is a man/woman thing but although he thinks I'm manic when I air this out I feel he is manic too as he goes off into a kind of sulky silence. It's as though he can't tell me what is going on in case I blow a fuse when it is his evasiveness that makes me uncomfortable. I mean why can't a man say to a woman "Can't talk now am busy/going away/working" I need some space etc. I do. This is our only blip really - was or was it? Is this a man thing woman thing? The reason it baffles me more is that he said he believed anything can be solved with communication yet he forgets to communicate at these times. So here it is. From my last posting "Coming Out Diary 2#" you saw that we had the most fantastic day. He said we had a fantastic day too. The thing is, one thing led to another and I ended up staying...... To say we slept well was an understatement. We both had a restless night. My fear being that our friendship would be ruined. Both of us felt guilt. Me for my daughter and he for his ex girlfriend. I left and instead of reassuring me went into one of his silences.... I had the odd returned text which confused me as he was sending me such mixed signals. Eventually he told me that he felt guilty, felt a hypocrite and that I needed to sort out my life and that he still wanted to be my friend also if circumstances were different he'd come pick me up and we would escape into our world. Although I thanked him for being candid, I still felt....... well rejected would be a good word and feeling, so thought that he needed releasing from this relatinship sent him a long text telling him my ideals, acknowledging that they were beyond him and that becaused I loved him was letting him go. Then told him if he ever wanted to be with someone who loved him for who he really is to get in touch once he had got over his ghosts. I know this sounds nuts but we are kind of like the characters in "When Harry met Sally". We have known each other for over a year and know a lot about each other, more than other people know about us, where as normally people sleep with each other then get to know each other. We are both not people who sleep around........... I just don't know what happened all I really know is that I have lost the best friend I have ever had and now I feel weird, lost, in pain and very confused. I can't go into a clothes shop without thinking "oh *** would love this" or send a text airing out a thought I've just had, or to chat on the phone and have a laugh and I won't have shopping outings or makeup sessions to look forward to. It's just the weirdest most uncomfortable thing I have ever gone through. I guess the moral of this story is: Do Not Sleep With Your Best Friend because it will end in and with 2 disasterous relationships under my belt I think I will heed my own warning in future. Thanks for listening Jxx

[girl from mars]

Hi Julietta I'm sorry that you are so obviously hurting. I know from reading your posts that you are a fantastic, open-minded, positive, lovely person. Things can get complicated when sex gets involved. Plus, as you intimated, your friend may be scared of the opportunity you present him with. He's been living with a guilty, dark, secret fantasy that you are helping to make a reality. He may be frightened of the implications to his life in general of allowing this one aspect of his personality to emerge. You are a dream come true for him, but there's some truth in the old saying, 'beware of what you wish for'. Good luck patching things up, I cannot imagine that he would want to lose your friendship. GFM

[azraelle]

"Love is a rose, but you better not pick it;

It only grows when it's on the vine,

........<forgot the words here>.......

Lose your love when you say the word 'Mine'"

from a Linda Ronstadt song...

Powerful sorry for you Julietta. It may be that he fears a commitment that he feels obligated to now with you if he continues the friendship.

[Julietta]

Thanks guys. I felt better once I'd aired it out and by the time I went in to wipe it off you two had already posted. I guess it's just one of those things. Men go quiet and women go nuts thinking that they've done something to cause it. All the men have to do is say "It's not you I just need a breather, I'm busy" whatever, a little reassurance and we'd be fine. This seems to keep happening with us. I know it pisses him off. I guess I just don't understand and the lack of communicating this doesn't help. They say that the small things that annoy you at the beginning of a relationship are the things that grow into resentment later on and from past experience (albeit not that much really) seems to be true. Trouble is I take people for the people they are and forget that there are a lot of people out there who simply have to have the norm otherwise it sends them into a quagmire of conflicting emotion. I guess therefore I didn't quite appreciate the life changing implications involved that you candidly pointed out girl from mars (very clever name by the way), by my over enthusiasm to speed things along with his transformation. I have heard from him. I am still confused therefore it must be me reading things wrongly I guess I need to sort myself out really and to also decide whether that silent evasiveness of his persona is something I can learn to understand and emotionally cope with Thanks again Jxx

[TallSwede]

This is a drastic and *very* simplified statement, but I hope to help a fraction with it... -Men are men and women are women...? We males tend to be quick in "analyzing" a "problem" and give whatever answer that first comes to mind, while females more often "brood" about the answer before replying. This fact is a horrible problem when communicating between the two genders about sensitive questions. -My advice is therefore to give your (ex?)friend a little benefit of the doubt and at least have one or two more conversations with him before giving up all hope. (Besides, men are not supposed to cry, are they? That feeling alone could have made him behave like a deserted child in pure desperation...). Regards, TallSwede

[PJ]

Julietta; The first time I read your initial post, I was confused. I had to read it over again. I realize there is probably a lot about this relationship I still don't know or understand. But I think I know a little to offer you my opinion. The fact that your friend is able to confide in you his secret about dressing and yet still hold something back seems contradictory to me. I can understand why you are confused by this behaviour. You emphasized just how much you two were alike when things were going well. And now that things have broken off, you have found out there is some difference between you two. I think it would be wise to have a very frank discussion with him in private. No need to let things simmer if they bother you. Bring it out in the open how you feel. I think he should know how it's affecting you. Who knows, it just may break the ice?

[Julietta]

Thankyou all for your input.

We have communicated via text. It seems that it is me, that I have greatly misunderstood things. That he is still my friend always has been always will be and I shouldn't have needed to ask. He says that I send too many texts and require immediate answers, and if I don't get a reply within the hour go nuts. Not quite what I really sent them for.

He was so devastated when his GF left him and he said he felt so lonely that I kept texting to let him know that he wasn't alone. At that time he said that he appreciated them as he at least knew there was life outside his work. So typical woman took this for the go ahead to keep plying him with texts to keep him sane and happy (something I couldn't really afford at this time to be honest but friends are more important). I have to say since our last meeting my texts were a bit intense, or in his words unfathomable, but that is because I have been so confused. I told him that I have obviously misunderstood and apologised which he accepted.

Here is a joke/poem received today which is pretty apt:

The creation of man/woman

First the Lord made man in the Garden of Eden.

Then he said to himself, "There's something he's needing' ".

After casting about for a suitable pearl,

He kept messing around and created a girl.

Two beautiful legs, so long and so slender,

Round, slim, and firm, and ever so tender.

Two lovely hips to increase his desire,

And rounded and firm to bring out the fire.

Two lovely breasts, so full and so proud,

Commanding his eyes, as he whispers aloud.

Two lovely arms, just aching to bless you,

And two loving hands, to soothe and caress you.

Soft, cascading hair hung down over her shoulder,

And two dreamy eyes, just to make him grow bolder.

Twas made for a man, just to make his heart sing.

Then he added a mouth.

Ruined the whole f*****g thing. :argue:

In conclusion guys I am none the wiser. He says that he has two personalities. His ex says that she only wanted to live with one person not two, I thought she meant his TV trait/ his femme side but now I wonder!

He is my friend and I guess that this is something I need to try to accept and get over because everything else about him is fantastic - I think I don't know about neurotypical I think I'm neurotic

Have a great weekend

Love and many many thanks again

Julie xx