I'm Back----For The Most Part

[Thighboots2]

Let me add my few words to all who have already welcomed you "home". Jeff, you are not alone, nor are you the first and for sure you wont be the last. Its a defining moment and with good fortune you will find the balance. This issue can be about anything that becomes habitual or even obsessive, so everyone will go though this at sometime or another. I have read others postings on this board by those who have faced their particular issue describing the usual "see-saw" of purchase and disposal. Only when you step back and take a hard look at the whole issue will you break the cycle, and bravo for having done just so. I am pleased that you have found your balance. It takes courage to do what you have done, but it really takes a great weight of your shoulders and allows you to forge ahead to then next issue - which is usually the major issue of deciding exactly which brewery product you are going to drink next Welcome home. TB2

[JeffB]

This issue can be about anything that becomes habitual or even obsessive, so everyone will go though this at sometime or another. I have read others postings on this board by those who have faced their particular issue describing the usual "see-saw" of purchase and disposal. Only when you step back and take a hard look at the whole issue will you break the cycle, and bravo for having done just so.

Thanks for the kind words. Hopefully this was the only time I'll go through that vicious cycle you mentioned. Like most folks here, I'm hardly wealthy, so I can't afford to do that sort of thing more than once. I won't deny that I'm already missing the stuff I gave away.

I am pleased that you have found your balance. It takes courage to do what you have done, but it really takes a great weight of your shoulders and allows you to forge ahead to then next issue - which is usually the major issue of deciding exactly which brewery product you are going to drink next

While I don't indulge in alcohol, I do indeed know what you mean. Heh!

[shyguy]

Good to see you posting again Jeff, and I am glad you have found it in yourself to face your personal demon. I am kind of lucky, as my wife doesn't like my "heel thing" so we have agreed to certain rules. Without those rules, and my wifes influence, I would be going through the same things, I am always finding shoes that I really must own, but my wife just says no. Thanks for your honesty, and for coming back to tell us all, it helped me to put it into perspective more, and to appreciate my wifes intervention all the more. I join with all the others in hoping that you can strike and maintain the balance you need in your life to keep you happy and healthy in mind and body.

[whynotheels]

WELCOME BACK JEFFB!!!! While your journal has been a hard one, it sure sure sounds like it has benefited many on this board. I've been yo-yo-ing for 20 years over heels. A few years back, I wore a mini skirt and heels in public for a week. It was great fun but at the same time it left me with bad feeling about what I was doing. I'm sorry for the termoil you've gone through, but it has REALLY help me!! Thanks. I find comfort in knowing that there are other in the world going through the same stuff I am. Glad to have you back! --WhyNotHeels

[new_look]

welcome back jeff b. your posts have been missed nl

[Skirted-UK]

Its good to know that you are ok Jeff, I was begining to think that something nasty had happend to you. I will always be greatful to you for putting me onto Pleaser shoes, for which I now have two pairs.

regards,

Skirted-UK

Allow me to join those before me who are understanding and sympathetic to you. As a veteran street-heeler from aged 12 to 62 (50 years and counting), I've gone through various phases of going "over-the-top" (amassing several hundred pairs of heels) and then having periodic drawing-back and having massive clear-outs and non heel-wearing phases. However, many such previous forum debates have established that it seems to be a passion that

we're stuck with, and it DOESN'T GO AWAY - it simply becomes suppressed for a while.

So yes, as already said in this thread, it is all down to a balance of gently enjoying one's innermost passions without going bust or feeling that you are making a total fool of yourself or worse still, starting to despise yourself.

"Everything in moderation" as some wise person said.

Happy heeling! Cheers, Heelfan

I agree entirely with what Heelfan says, having gone down a similar path over the years. Its pointless for someone who is getting into the same situation as Jeff, to get rid of all their stuff. They might have got rid of their skirts and shoes, but its still in their head. You can't get away from it because everywhere you go there are women in skirts and heels to remind you of what you are missing. Sooner or later you will be back buying more stuff, or very stressed.

I would like to suggest that we start a thread so that members who are getting into this state can come and talk to someone about it. Teenagers who have just got their first heels or skirt will need someone to talk to about what's happening to them. I remember when I was in my teens I thought at one stage that I was going mad!

I feel a bit sad when I read in the 'Hello / Goodbye ' column about people who are dumping all their shoes and leaving the forum because I know that its not the answer.

Remember its like song Hotel California by the Eagles . " You can check out any time you like, but you can never leave."

I would be interested to hear what other members think of this suggestion?

[JeffB]

I would like to suggest that we start a thread so that members who are getting into this state can come and talk to someone about it. Teenagers who have just got their first heels or skirt will need someone to talk to about what's happening to them. I remember when I was in my teens I thought at one stage that I was going mad!

I feel a bit sad when I read in the 'Hello / Goodbye ' column about people who are dumping all their shoes and leaving the forum because I know that its not the answer.

Remember its like song Hotel California by the Eagles . " You can check out any time you like, but you can never leave."

I would be interested to hear what other members think of this suggestion?

I like your suggestion a lot, and I feel it's something that's definitely needed. I remember how my passion for heels developed as a teenager and for a time, I couldn't understand my urge to wear women's shoes, but I just plowed ahead and did it anyway. As veterans who have "been there, done that", I feel it's our responsibility to teach teenagers and/or younger men just getting into "the passion" that there's nothing wrong with them, that they're not freaks or perverts, they're simply expressing their fashion freedom, their need to break off from what society decides men should or shouldn't wear. Perhaps if I had someone to talk to, either in public or private, I wouldn't have gone through my own crisis last year which forced me to undergo that purge and avoid the board for as long as I did. Yeah, this is certainly a good idea. I'm all for it!

[Fog]

A long belated welcome back from me. Good to see you back. I like everyone here I think, enjoyed your posts. Also you presented a very convincing image of a man in heels. I especially remember a picture you posted wearing boots, with one resting on a sofa. I think I posted a daft reply hoping you didn't leave a foot print on it. Enough of frivolity. There's been a lot of really good sense written in this thread. I think Heel-D hit the nail on the head - certainly something I can relate to. Purchasing can be the focus - I don't think that's an exclusively male heeling issue though! My next point might be considered inimical to a lively discussion forum, but I know I spend much too much time on this board, which is also a form of obsession.

[dressboots]

There is a parallel universe for sure. Rather than continue my own thread this one explores so much of what I have been thinking the past year and provides new ideas and insight. Fortunately I came back to the list before my purge was complete. I too cannot afford to replace a large shoe collection once it is gone. As part of my soul searching I have not purchased a pair of boots in over two years. In retrospect I should have bought a pair of that Sudini Brand boot called "Silver" as the reviews on the Zappos site indicated it would have been an excellent fit for me. I love blade heeled boots and still do not have a pair and now that style has disappeared. Yes, always lots of visual remminders of what you like out in the world. Part of the marriage vow is to respect your wife (spouse). In this sense respect does not mean blindly do what they tell you to to but to hear their concerns, input and thoughts, and consider them in respect to their being a part of the loving partnership of marriage. Bear with me. I am going somewhere with this. My wife's buddies are very opinionated about what shoes a man can wear and still be a heterosexual man. She wants me to buy a pair of Crocs (hideously ugly rubber clog shoes that I do not want to wear anyway) but she would never let me buy a color like red as those are girls colors and that men who wear red or yellow are definitely gay looking, though the manufacuterer provides those colors in sizes large enough for men and she has seen men wearing them. Some of her friends say that any man who wears whatever Crocs even a "guys colour," are homosexual looking. These opinions are expressed and I have considered them realizing that my women's boot collection had grown to disproportionate occupation of my thoughts thus the weeding out of those that were not so important but with an ultimate goal of having none left. On a different vein (I am sure there is thread about the "Kinky Boots" movie here that I missed) a line in the movie that spoke volumes to me was when the main character stated that out in the world in high heels he felt confident and with no worry but dressed in men's clothes he was a nervous wreck. I realized it was the sensation years ago I had when I street heeled. Being a very shy guy, making the leap to go out was like "OK so what if people look? People look at each other anyway, so what?" My wife loved the movie but I do not want to embarass her in the community by going out in heels. See the above comment on (loving) and respecting one's spouse. Many of her friends are the hecklers portrayed in an early scene in the movie. dressboots

[utahnylon]

Jeff, Welcome back! I too missed having you here on the forum. It's frustrating how much conflict our desire to wear what we want causes. I'm in my late 40's and don't remember a time where I haven't felt this way. I purged many times. I've now gotten to the point, several years ago that is, where I've stopped purging. It was pointless because I ALWAYS return to the same point. In addition to the wasted money, I got rid of a lot of stuff I can't replace. It took a LOT of soul searching to accept myself, a guy who wears heels, hose, and lingerie. I also have a "few" skirts. I have a very close female friend that, through her acceptance, has also helped me come to terms with my desire. Having a real live friend willing to shop with me and point out cute things has been incredible! One thing that has really helped to lessen my need for outward expression has been to just wear panties every day. They are hidden, no one knows but me. It feels right. I also shave my legs everyday. I LOVE the feeling. I still get really angry and frustrated that I can't just pop on heels and a skirt and feel it is normal, at least from the way others look at me. I really wish that people could live their own lives without caring what I do. In any case, we all have to achieve what we feel is appropriate. I too have looked in the mirror and felt ridiculous. When this happens I just have to remind myself that this is the programming of normalcy that society rams into our brains. In reality, there is no such thing as normal. Normal is what we accept. More and more I've been able to lift my vision from the fog and understand that it's ok to be different, to be me. To be able to love myself is a great gift. Jeff, I hope you find your balance. Doing so takes a life time, and then some. Len

[JSpikeheels]

Hello Everyone: ...as I have explored in several of my postings my heel wearing has come at the end of a long series of checks and balances being satisfied to give me the "all clear" to proceed with the adventure... ..obligations to career, employer, family, finances, self-actualizations all took their place as "fail-safes"..in other words each had certain conditions and expectation-sets I had to place ahead of any curiosities or determinations to move the heel-wearing adventure to the front of the "to-do's" lists... ...having said that I should hasten to point out that, as you can all quickly surmise, each of those obligation-sets are still in play-in the sense that if something should change then the heels go right back into the closet and the "expectations of any one of those other life-conditions would dictate when and if-if ever- the heels come out again... ..for example: suppose I have to change my contract to work for a different courier company with a different customer set each with different expectation of their relationships with the individuals picking up/delivering their commodities..NOT CONDUCIVE TO MY WEARING HEELS... ..suppose I accept employment with a company as a salaried employee like a WalMart management opportunity-NO HEELS ...suppose I have a situation in my present circumstances where someone remarks to my Company that someone does not want me coming to their place of business and my comfort-levels at this company become tenuous... I WOULD HAVE TO CONSIDER BACKTRACKING TO REGAIN THE COMFORT-LEVELS I ENJOY AT THIS TIME ...in short I am in this position because a great many planets and events/circumstances have aligned to permit me this unparalleled freedom to be unique..and, like Jeff if one piece of this fails then everything falls under challenge-review-and reevaluate... it would probably mean the end of this high-heel adventure so in one sense I feel that it is only going to last so long before some one of these other priorities forces its way to the head of the expectation-line... comments welcome Jim JSpikeheels

[dressboots]

Hello Everyone:

...as I have explored in several of my postings my heel wearing has come at the end of a long series of checks and balances being satisfied to give me the "all clear" to proceed with the adventure...

..obligations to career, employer, family, finances, self-actualizations all took their place as "fail-safes"..in other words each had certain conditions and expectation-sets I had to place ahead of any curiosities or determinations to move the heel-wearing adventure to the front of the "to-do's" lists...

...having said that I should hasten to point out that, as you can all quickly surmise, each of those obligation-sets are still in play-in the sense that if something should change then the heels go right back into the closet and the "expectations of any one of those other life-conditions would dictate when and if-if ever- the heels come out again...

..for example: suppose I have to change my contract to work for a different courier company with a different customer set each with different expectation of their relationships with the individuals picking up/delivering their commodities..NOT CONDUCIVE TO MY WEARING HEELS...

..suppose I accept employment with a company as a salaried employee like a WalMart management opportunity-NO HEELS

...suppose I have a situation in my present circumstances where someone remarks to my Company that someone does not want me coming to their place of business and my comfort-levels at this company become tenuous...

I WOULD HAVE TO CONSIDER BACKTRACKING TO REGAIN THE COMFORT-LEVELS I ENJOY AT THIS TIME

...in short I am in this position because a great many planets and events/circumstances have aligned to permit me this unparalleled freedom to be unique..and, like Jeff if one piece of this fails then everything falls under challenge-review-and reevaluate...

it would probably mean the end of this high-heel adventure so in one sense I feel that it is only going to last so long before some one of these other priorities forces its way to the head of the expectation-line...

comments welcome

Jim

JSpikeheels

I believe you put heel wearing in excellent perspective that all can understand.

Employment certainly has a major impact on how we conduct ourselves in the world. There is a look that many employers want their business to project, rightfully so. If freestyle fashion does not fit with that, they have the right to discourage it. It becomes one's decicision to abide by that rule or look elsewhere for employment. The plusses of staying with a job may far outweight wanting to dress a certain way so one happily stays and finds other outlets for their adventures.

You are lucky to have the option in your life to freestyle at this point and hope you can continue your heeling adventure unhindered. I work with a lot of public contact. High heels I doubt would be successful on the job though the dress code rule states no open toed shoes or sandles. Somethings a guy just knows better not to try. I really like my job so willingly project the image my employer wants.

dressboots

[JeffB]

Employment certainly has a major impact on how we conduct ourselves in the world. There is a look that many employers want their business to project, rightfully so. If freestyle fashion does not fit with that, they have the right to discourage it. It becomes one's decicision to abide by that rule or look elsewhere for employment. The plusses of staying with a job may far outweight wanting to dress a certain way so one happily stays and finds other outlets for their adventures.

You are lucky to have the option in your life to freestyle at this point and hope you can continue your heeling adventure unhindered. I work with a lot of public contact. High heels I doubt would be successful on the job though the dress code rule states no open toed shoes or sandles. Somethings a guy just knows better not to try. I really like my job so willingly project the image my employer wants.

I couldn't agree more. When weighing steady, and fulfilling employment over a mere hobby, the job easily won out for me. In any event, I'd still have my weekends and off time to happily indulge in the passion when I choose. After all, freestyle fashion doesn't put bread on the table or money in my pocket, and that's the really important thing to consider.

[jmc]

. . . freestyle fashion doesn't put bread on the table or money in my pocket . . .

How true! I'm finding it tends to have the opposite effect. . .but then I am in a major collection-building mode right now.

[Ozzard]

Welcome back, JeffB. I missed you first time around, but hey. I guess my approach to this fetish / obsession / passion / difference is a little different to some of the folks here. My self-image has me wearing a skirt and heels (and if I knew why, I'd be very happy, but that's another post). I have a few (c. 10) pairs of shoes, built up over... oh, 12 years or so. I have about the same number of long skirts, built up over about the same time period. I also have a wife I can talk to, and am reasonably secure in the knowledge that the key people know that I tend to go round the house in a skirt + whatever. From what I read, this seems to be a reasonably common - and reasonably balanced - place to be. I'd like to stay balanced, while also moving towards my self-image where I can. I'm starting to get less cautious about being out of the house in a skirt and flats or heels - typically flats. For example, there's a gaming (role-playing - think Dungeons and Dragons) group I go to on a Friday night. Most of the folks there have known me for years. One evening I turned up in a skirt and flats. Apart from a really impressive 'take' from the host (who'd forgotten I'd checked with him beforehand), it was a non-event. We've added people to the group since then; again, a non-event. Similarly, I'm off to a gaming convention in January; I'll take trousers and trainers, but don't expect to wear them. However, I don't wear 'em at work, at gigs, or generally 'out'. The gain to my self-image isn't worth the expected pain. For me, the key point is cost/benefit: - What is the benefit to me of taking this line of action? - What is the cost to me of taking this line of action? - How sure am I that my perceptions of cost and benefit are realistic? If the costs outweigh the benefits, this probably isn't a smart thing to do. If the benefits outweigh the costs, it may be (or there may be better ways). However, the key if you suspect (or someone tells you) you have a fetish or obsession is to *look at your perceptions of cost and benefit* - do they stack up? Is there someone external to whom you can talk about them? Does that external person see them the same way? Why? Are they biased, or are you? This is why I think it's very important to have people around to whom I can talk, and who are empathic enough to be able to relate to how I feel while still being anchored enough in the real world to tell me if my sense of perspective is skewed. I'd love to see such a group on this board, but given that by definition the group is drawn from the board's members, and the members all have an interest in heels or they wouldn't be here, I'm not sure how one makes sure the group members are sufficiently well anchored. Thoughts as to how we (or someone) can provide such a service welcome .

[flatlander_48]

Greetings! JeffB here! Again!

I'm sure a lot of people here have wondered what happened to me, if I had fallen off the edge of the earth or what. Well, the reason why I left was somewhat complicated, and on top of that, I handled my exit from here badly, just dropping off and not letting everyone here know, and I apologize for having been so damned inconsiderate. And now for why I left.

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As I mentioned before, I apologize for having disappeared like I did. I should've let everyone know of what I was doing, but didn't, and I'm very sorry about that. So I'm back, but as a semi-regular contributor as I'm seeking to maintain a healthy balance between the passion and everything else in my life. In closing, it's good to be back.

Glad to hear that your hiatus was not as dire as some people thought. Regarding the events of the past year for you, I suppose that the saying continues to be true: "All things in moderation.". Best wishes for the New Year and beyond...