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kirkules

Jokes, funny stories or one liners

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A polar bear walks into a bar and says to the bartender: "I'll have a brandy........................................... .............................................................. .............................................................. .............................................................. .............................................................. .............................................................. ..........and coke." The bartender asks: "What's with the big pause?" The bear responds: "I dunno. I've always had them."

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What do you call a deer with no eyes?

No idea.

What do you call a deer with no eyes and no legs?

Still no idea.

What do you call a deer with no eyes, no legs and no genitals.

Still no _______ idea!

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An Italian, a Scotsman and a Chinese fellow are hired on a construction site. The foreman points out a huge pile of sand and says to the Italian guy, "You're in charge of sweeping." To the Scotsman he says, "You're in charge of shovelling." And to the Chinese guy, "You're in charge of supplies." He then says, "Now, I have to leave for a little while. I expect you guys to make a dent in that there pile." So the foreman goes away for a couple hours and when he returns, the pile of sand is untouched. He asks the Italian, "Why didn't you sweep any of it?" The Italian replies, "I no hava no broom. You saida to the Chinese a fella that he a wasa in a charge of supplies, but he hasa disappeared and I no coulda finda him nowhere." Then the foreman turns to the Scotsman and says, And you, I thought I told you to shovel this pile." The Scotsman replies, "Aye, ye did lad, boot ah couldnay get meself a shoovel! Ye left th' Chinese gadgie in chairge of supplies, boot ah couldnay fin' him either." The foreman is really angry now and storms off toward the pile of sand to look for the Chinese guy ... Just then, the Chinese guy leaps out from behind the pile of sand and yells... "SUPPLIES!!!"

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Two pieces of grey tarmac were sitting in a pub. One nudges teh other and whispers "whats up with that guy?" "which guy" "they one in the corner, the red tarmac" "Ohhh! you dont want to mess with him. he's a cycle path!"

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A guy walks into a bar with a lump of tarmac under his arm. He says to the barman "I'll have a pint please, and one for the road."

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dr1819............... Please...! Don't give up your day job..............though the polar bear gag was good. A guy walks into a bar and orders fifty shots of whisky. He downs them all in quick succession. The barman leans over and asks why he is drinking so many shots....... "Because I ahve just had my first blow-job...." says yhe guy. The barman pats him on the back and says "Well done mate, here, have one more on the house!" "Forget it" says the guy, "If fifty can't get rid of the taste, another one won't make any difference!"

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1. How do you put a giraffe into a refrigerator? The correct answer is: Open the refrigerator, put in the giraffe, and close the door. This question tests whether you tend to do simple things in an overly complicated way. 2. How do you put an elephant into a refrigerator? Did you say, " Open the refrigerator, put in the elephant, and close the refrigerator? " WRONG Correct Answer: Open the refrigerator, take out the giraffe, put in the elephant and close the door. This tests your ability to think through the repercussions of your previous actions. 3. The Lion King is hosting an animal conference. All the animals attend except one. Which animal does not attend? Correct Answer: The Elephant. The elephant is in the refrigerator. You just put him in there. This tests your memory. OK, even if you did not answer the first three questions correctly, you still have one more chance to show your true abilities. 4. There is a river you must cross but it is inhabited by crocodiles. How do you manage it? Correct Answer: You swim across. All the crocodiles are attending the Animal Meeting. This tests whether you learn quickly from your mistakes.

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A duck walks into a bar and asks the bartender, "Do you have any food?" The bartender replies, "No, we don't serve food here." So, the duck leaves. The next day, the duck walks into the bar again and asks the bartender, "You got any food?" The bartender says, "No, we don’t serve food here." So, the duck leaves. The next day, the duck walks into the bar again and asks the bartender, "You got any food?" The bartender says, "NO! Look! I told you twice before! We don't serve food here!. . . and if you come in here again asking for food, I'm going to nail you to the wall!" So, the duck leaves. The next day, the duck walks into the bar and asks the bartender, "You got any nails? The bartender says, "Uhh... No." "Whew!" says the duck, then asks, "You got any food?"

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A new guy in town walks into a bar and reads a sign that hangs over the bar. FREE BEER FOR THE PERSON WHO CAN PASS OUR TEST! So the guy asks the bartender what the test is. The Bartender replies "Well, first you have to drink that whole gallon of pepper tequila, the whole thing at once and you can't make a face while doing it. Second, there's a 'gator out back with a sore tooth...you have to remove it with your bare hands. Third, there's a woman up-stairs who's never had an orgasm. You gotta make things right for her." The guy says, "Well, as much as I would love free beer, I won't do it. You have to be nuts to drink a gallon of pepper tequila and then get crazier from there. Well, as time goes on and the man drinks a few, he asks, "Wherez zat teeqeelah?" He grabs the gallon of tequilla with both hands, and downs it with a big slurp and tears streaming down his face. Next, he staggers out back and soon all the people inside hear the most frightening roaring and thumping, then silence. The man staggers back into the bar, his shirt ripped and big scratches all over his body and says "So where's this woman with the sore tooth?"

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A married couple, both 60 years old, were celebrating their 35th wedding anniversary. During their party, a fairy appeared to congratulate them and grant them each one wish. The wife wanted to travel around the world. The fairy waved her wand and *POOF* -- the wife had tickets in her hand for a world cruise. Next, the fairy asked the husband what he wanted. He said, "I wish I had a wife 30 years younger than me". So the fairy picked up her wand and *POOF* -- the husband was 90.

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A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor's office... After his checkup, the doctor called the wife into his office alone. He said, "Your husband is suffering from a very severe stress disorder. If you don't do the following, your husband will surely die." "Each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast. Be pleasant at all times. For lunch make him a nutritious meal. For dinner prepare an especially nice meal for him. Don't burden him with chores. Don't discuss your problems with him, it will only make his stress worse. No nagging. And most importantly, make love with your husband several times a week. If you can do this for the next 10 months to a year, I think your husband will regain his health completely." On the way home, the husband asked his wife, "Sooo, what did the doctor say?" “He said you're going to die," she replied.

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Two men waiting at the Pearly Gates strike up a conversation. "How'd you die?" the first man asks the second. "I froze to death," says the second. "That's awful," says the first man. "How does it feel to freeze to death?" "It's very uncomfortable at first", says the second man. "You get the shakes, and you get pains in all your fingers and toes. But eventually, it's a very calm way to go. You get numb and you kind of drift off, as if you're sleeping. How about you, how did you die?" "I had a heart attack," says the first man. "You see, I knew my wife was cheating on me, so one day I showed up at home unexpectedly. I ran up to the bedroom, and found her alone, knitting. I ran down to the basement, but no one was hiding there, either. I ran up to the second floor, but no one was hiding there either. I ran as fast as I could to the attic, and just as I got there, I had a massive heart attack and died." The second man shakes his head. "That's so ironic," he says. "What do you mean?" asks the first man. "If you had only stopped to look in the freezer, we'd both still be alive."

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Sven and Ole were walking through the woods when they came upon a deep hole in the ground. The pair decide to test the depth of the hole by tossing in a rock. So as the rock is tossed in, Sven and Ole lean forward to hear the sound of the rock hitting the bottom. Nothing. The two look at each other first with confusion, then with an idea. Nearby is a large bolder which they retrieve, roll toward and then into the hole. Once again they lean forward to listen. Nothing. This time the pair excitedly retrieve a fair-sized log, hoist it to their shoulders, run toward the hole and heave it in. Again they both lean forward to listen...but as they're listening, suddenly a goat runs quickly by their legs and jumps into the hole. Sven and Ole trade glances wondering what in the world had just happened. As they wonder, they hear a sound behind them and turn to see a farmer wandering toward them. Farmer: "Hey, I misplaced a goat here in the woods. Have you seen him anywhere?" Sven: "You know, it's funny you ask. We were looking down this hole when a goat ran by and jumped in." Farmer: "Oh, that couldn't have been my goat, I tied mine to a log."

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At Last The Truth About Eating For those who watch what you eat...Here's the final word on nutrition and health, and it's a relief to know the truth after all those conflicting medical studies: 1. The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than the Canadians, British or Americans. 2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat and also suffer fewer heart attacks than the Canadians, British or Americans. 3. The Japanese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than the Canadians, British or Americans. 4. The Italians drink excessive amounts of red wine and also suffer fewer heart attacks than the Canadians, British or Americans. 5. The Germans drink a lot of beer and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than the Canadians, British or Americans. 6. Ukrainians drink a lot of vodka, eat a lot of perogies, cabbage rolls and suffer fewer heart attacks than the Canadians, British or Americans. CONCLUSION: Eat and drink what you like. Speaking English is what kills you.

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Three men die in a car accident Christmas Eve and immediately find themselves at the pearly gates waiting to get into Heaven. When they meet St. Peter, they're told that they each have to present something associated with Christmas. The first man searches his pocket and finds some Mistletoe, so St. Peter lets him in. The second man pulls out a recent program from his daughter's Christmas play so in he gos. The third man pulls out a pair of nylons. Confused at this last gesture, St. Peter asks, "Just how do these represent Christmas?" The man simply replies, "They're Carol's

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President Clinton died and knocked at the Pearly Gates. "Who there?" asks St. Peter. "It's me, Bill Clinton". "What bad things did you do on earth?" Clinton thought a bit and answered, "Well, I smoked marijuana, but you shouldn't hold that against me because I didn't inhale. And I lied, but I didn't commit perjury. Also, I used my position of power to have a much younger woman perform fellatio on me, but I didn't have sex with that woman." After several moments of deliberation St. Peter replied, "OK, here's the deal. We'll send you someplace where it is very hot, but we won't call it 'Hell.' You'll be there for an indefinite period of time, but we won't call it 'eternity.' But there's no need to 'abandon all hope' upon entering, so long as you don't hold your breath waiting for it to freeze over.

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John was in a bar looking very dejected. His friend, Steve, walked over and asked, "What's wrong?" "It's my mother-in-law," John replied, while shaking his head sadly. "I have a real problem with her." "Cheer up," Steve said. "Everyone has problems with their mother-in-law." "Yeah," John answered. "But I got mine pregnant."

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Next joke: What do you call a cow? Beef What do you call a cow with 2 legs? Lean Beef What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground Beef

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Aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it deosn't mttaer in waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are, the olny iprmoetnt tihng is taht the frist and lsat ltteer be at the rghit pclae. The rset can be a total mses and you can sitll raed it wouthit porbelm.Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe.

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