Jump to content
Sign in to follow this  
kirkules

Jokes, funny stories or one liners

Recommended Posts

Right then everyone, here is your chance to tell us a funny joke, story or one liner and I don't mean the Titanic! You can tell us a joke about any subject or any situation. The only thing is to make us all laugh......... Hopefully.... Please keep it clean within the scope of this website. We don't want the humour police telling us off. I shall start it off with a joke. George W Bush was sitting in the Oval Office of the White House when Donald Rumsfeld walks in and says "Mr President, today in Iraq, three Brazilian soldiers where killed!" Mr Bush turned pale and put his head in his hands. When he looked up there were tears in his eyes. Donald Rumsfeld was taken aback by the Presidents show of sympathy. George W controlled his emotions and replied to Donald "That is terrible, but how many soldiers are there in a Brazilian?"

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

American Women...Do Your Part To Help! Stand Up, Be Seen! We need to get this message out. Please forward, America needs your help! The President has asked that we unite for a common cause. Since the hard line Islamic people cannot stand nudity, and consider it a sin to see a naked woman that is not their wife, tonight at 7:00 pm, all women should run out of their house naked to help weed out the terrorists. The United States appreciates your efforts, and applauds you. God bless America. Signed, William Jefferson Clinton

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I'd have to say this one's better than the first! Women: The Best Troops Around Take all American women who are within five years of menopause. Train us for a few weeks, outfit us with automatic weapons, grenades, gas masks, moisturizer with SPF15, Prozac, hormones, chocolate, and canned tuna - drop us (parachuted, preferably) across the landscape of Afghanistan, and let us do what comes naturally. Think about it. Our anger quotient alone, even when doing standard stuff like grocery shopping and paying bills, is formidable enough to make even armed men in turbans tremble. We've had our children, we would gladly suffer or die to protect them and their future. We'd like to get away from our husbands, if they haven't left already. And for those of us who are single, the prospect of finding a good man with whom to share life is about as likely as being struck by lightning. We have nothing to lose. We've survived the water diet, the protein diet, the carbohydrate diet, and the grapefruit diet in gyms and saunas across America and never lost a pound We can easily survive months in the hostile terrain of Afghanistan with no food at all! We've spent years tracking down our husbands or lovers in bars, hardware stores, or sporting events...finding bin Laden in some cave will be no problem. Uniting all the warring tribes of Afghanistan in a new government? Oh, please ... we've planned the seating arrangements for in-laws and extended families at Thanksgiving dinners for years ... we understand tribal warfare. Between us, we've divorced enough husbands to know every trick there is for how they hide, launder, or cover up bank accounts and money sources. We know how to find that money and we know how to seize it ... with or without the government's help! Let us go and fight. The Taliban hates women. Imagine their terror as we crawl like ants with hot-flashes over their godforsaken terrain. I'm going to write my Congresswoman. You should, too!

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

David Attenborough has discovered a new tribe of Pygmies in deepest Africa. They live amongst the 6 feet tall elephant grass. Standing at just 4 feet 3 inches tall, they are called the Fuqarewees. They keep jumping up and shouting "Where the fuck are we?" :roll:

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

It has been discovered that Wimbledon 2006 was full of Witches. Tim Henman is a waitch! Andy Roddick is a witch! Venus Williams is a witch! Goran Evanhesavitch.....

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Did you hear George Bush wants to bomb the Canary Islands??? It's to stop the spread of the bird flu!!!!!!!!

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Last night, 30 July 06, was my local town's wine festival, my local town being Cella in Deutchland. So a group of us decided to hit the town. I had panited my toenails purple the night before and felt at ease with them. I walked into my friends room bare foot and had a chat. One of the lads there happened to glance down and saw my feet, went quiet and upon me leaving I heard him whisper to his mate 'Did you see his toenails? He has painted them!' Shock Horreur...........!!! When we finally made it to the town, we all bought a bottle of vino each and started chatting. I was wearing a pink Paisley style patterned Ben Sherman short sleeve shirt with blue knee length denim shorts and a pair of Clarks brown leather sandles with just a part of my bigs toes and pinkies showing. One of the other guys had obviously been coersed into asking me the question. "Kirkules! Why are your toenails purple dude?" he asks. "Because I haven't got any pink nail varnish!" I replied. His face was a picture. So we chatted for a while and I tried to explain to him why I enjoy dressing as a 'chick' or even wearing some small parts of girls raiments. For a young lad he seemed to take it well.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

How about a "geek joke"? An Engineer was walking along a road, out in the country. Suddenly he hears a voice saying "Hey Mister!" It turns out the voice is coming from a small frog. He picks up the frog and looks at it. The frog says, "I am really a beautiful princess. Kiss me and I will do your bidding for a month." The Engineer smiles, puts the frog in his pocket and resumes walking. After about thirty minutes the frog speaks again. "Listen, I'm telling you. I am really a gorgeous princess. Kiss me and I will do your bidding for a whole year!" The Engineer stops, examines the frog again, chuckles, returns the frog to his pocket and resumes walking. After another thirty minutes the frog, desperate to break the evil spell, speaks again. "Okay, Okay! Just kiss me and I will be your slave! I'm so sick of this frog business I'll do anything! Please!" The Engineer responds, "Hey, I'm an Engineer. I don't have time for a girlfriend but a talking frog -- now that's cool!"

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

On the talking animal theme........ A guy goes into a pet shop and asks the owner if he has a talking parot. "No" says the owner "but I do have a talking centipeed..!" "I'll take it" says the guy, passes over some money and walks out of the shop with the centipeed in a box under his arm. When he gets home, the guys opens the box and introduces himself to his new friend. There is no reply. "Do you fancy going down to the pub for a pint of beer?" The guy asks the centipeed. No reply so he leaves it five minutes and asks again "Do you fancy going to the pub for a pint of beer?" Still no reply. This time he leans over the box and says slowly and concisely "I am going to the pub for a beer. Do you fancy coming?" "I heard you the first time!" Says the centipeed. "Give me a chance, I'm putting my shoes on...............!"

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

A man walks into a pub with a giraffe in tow. He orders two pints of beer, one for him and one for the giraffe. After about ten pints, the giraffe falls over drunk and lays on the floor. The guys stands up and goes to leave. The barman says to him... "Oi....you can't leave that l'yin' there" "It's not a lion" says the guy........"It's a giraffe...!!"

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

The Lone Ranger and Tonto go into this one horse town looking for a baddy in the middle of winter. They stop at a saloon bar. The Lone Ranger says to Tonto... "Tonto, you wait here.......these people aren't too welcoming to Indians!" The Lone Ranger tells him. "But it is cold out here!" says Tonto. "Run on the spot then, it will keep you warm" says the Lone Ranger and off he goes into the saloon bar. After about five minutes a cowboy walks into the saloon, saunters up to the bar and asks... "Who owns the silver horse outside...?" "Me..!" says The Lone Ranger, standing up from a table, hand on his holster. "Why.....?" "Cause you left your Ingine running...!!!!!!!!!!!"

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Two dogs are sitting in the vets. Bob and Bill. Bob turns to Bill and asks why he is there. "Well" says Bill, "I was out walking with the master when this French Poodle bitch walked past. She was shaven as they do and I thought 'Woof Woof' and pulled off my leash and gave her a good seeing to.....so I'm here to have me nadgers cut off!" "That is terrible...!" Says Bob. "So why you here Bob..?" Asks Bill. "Well" starts Bob, "I was in the masters bedroom, laying on the bed cleaning my bits.......because I can when the mistress came out of the shower glistening wet with nothing but a small towel around her. The towel fell off and she bent over saying 'Bugger Me...' so I did just that. I couldn't help myself. I lept off the bed and mounted her". "Oh no...!" says Bill. "So are you here to be put down....?" "Nah.....!!" Says Bob, "I'm getting my claws cut......!"

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

BAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHAHAHAHAAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!! Oh my gawd those are great! Thanks kirkules!

The only funny thing I can think of, and if you're a fan of our fair Prez, don't keep reading.

Google must have it's head on straight finally. If you go to www.google.com and type "failure" in the search bar, and click "I'm Feeling Lucky", you won't believe what you see. It's pretty insanely accurate IMHO. :drinking:

Cheers!

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

And on the subject of politics and politicians: An Indian chief walks into a saloon. He has a shotgun in one hand and is leading a huge bull buffalo with the other. At the bar he orders a cup of coffee. The bartender says "Here you go, Chief" and places a steaming cup in front of the Chief. The Chief gulps it down, grabs his shotgun, turns and blasts the buffalo to smithereens. He then walks out. The next day the same chief walks into the same saloon with another bull buffalo and his shotgun. He steps up to the bar and orders coffee. The bartender asks "Whoa there Chief. You made an awful mess the other day we're still cleaning it up! What was that all about?" The chief replies "Me practice to be politician. Drink coffee, shoot bull, leave big mess for others to clean up."

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

David Attenborough has discovered a new tribe of Pygmies in deepest Africa. They live amongst the 6 feet tall elephant grass. Standing at just 4 feet 3 inches tall, they are called the Fuqarewees.

They keep jumping up and shouting "Where the **** are we?" :roll:

Not to be confused with a highly instrospective neighboring tribe known as the "Hudufuqarewees."

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

A guy runs into a bar, rebounds, then tries it again. The bartender, a relic from the Alaskan gold-mining days, was curious as to the man's antics, and asks the man his name. "Singletary!" he yells before running into the bar again.

What the heck are you doing, lad, running into my bar like that? You'll knock it down, you will!

"I'm Samurai!" the guy replied, and hit it again, moving it a good two feet off center.

"You're daft!" said the barman, after steadying himself. "Get the hell out of my bar!"

"Why should I?" shouted the guy. "Your sign says '49ers Welcome!'"

(ummm if you need this joke explained, you're not an American football fan..., but here's a big hint: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Mike_Singletary)

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

A guy runs into a bar, huffing and puffing madly for about two minutes, but he's still running in place. "What the hell are you doin'?" asks the bartender in his Scottish brogue. "Are you thinkin' this is Gold's gym or sometin?" "No," the guy replies, still running. "But I'm competing for the world's longest duration run, and your sign said "Guinness..."... ... .. . .... ...................... . . . .. . .................... Oh, ok. I get it.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Guest
This topic is now closed to further replies.
Sign in to follow this  

×