If the Shoe fits

[meganiwish]

I thought I'd show a story I entered for a competition recently. I only had 600 words to play with and might have got more depth with more words, but I was pleased how much dialogue I got in. I don't know the outcome of the competition yet, but fingers crossed. I really need the money. IF THE SHOE FITS Penny liked what she saw. She looked every inch the businesswoman. Just the shoes to go. The outfit really called for killer heels, but she wondered whether to go with something a little more conservative. The telephone interrupted her deliberations. It was Cathy, ringing from the airport before boarding her flight to remind her not to be late and to put the rubbish out before she left. “You just don’t trust me, do you? Well, for your information, I’m nearly ready and I’ll do the rubbish as soon as I hang up.” “Too right I don’t trust you. I know you of old. This is your big chance, Pen. Try not to mess it up. And for goodness’ sake, don’t let him see what you’re really like.” “Thanks a bunch! Now go and enjoy your holiday. Oh, and thanks for letting me stay last night.” Penny hung up and took the rubbish to the bin out front. A door slammed and she jumped. Looking around, she confirmed her worst fears. “Oh no! Please, not today.” She ran round to the back. Everything was tight shut. No time to waste. She ran to the neighbour’s and banged on the door. Geoff was about to leave for work when there was a terrific banging on the door. He opened it to find a pretty young redhead begging to use his phone. He let her in and watched as she stood with visible impatience muttering into the receiver. She put the phone down. “No answer?” said Geoff. “No. She must already be on the plane. Look, the thing is…” She explained what had happened and how she had an important meeting in twenty minutes to discuss her designs. “I can help you there. I’ll drive you.” “That’s very kind of you, but look.” She showed her stockinged feet. “Doesn’t look very professional, does it?” “Just a minute.” Geoff went upstairs and came back carrying a pair of courts. “They’re my daughter’s. She’s away at college. You’re welcome to borrow them.” “Is it clown college? They’re three sizes too big.” “Well, it’s up to you. Come on, let’s go.” Shuffling after him, Penny felt foolish, like a little girl dressing up in her mother’s clothes. “I’m Geoff, by the way.” “Penny.” “Penelope?” “Penumbra, actually.” Geoff raised his eyebrows, but Penny let it pass. She was used to it and he had been very kind. In the car he asked her about her designs. She loved talking about her dresses and felt grateful and completely at ease by the time he dropped her off where she directed him. Geoff watched as she hurried up the steps to the front door and smiled to himself as she stepped out of her shoe. Then he drove off to find a parking space and go to work. Penny had been waiting ten minutes when the receptionist said, “Mr Prince will see you now.” She showed Penny into the office. “We meet again, Penumbra,” said Geoff. “I guessed who you were when you told me your name. This needn’t take too long.” Penny was stunned. She’d made a fool of herself in front of the very man she’d come to impress. “I love the designs you e-mailed us, but I always like to meet in person before I make a decision. Organisational skills are important in business…,” - Penny’s heart sank -, “…but it’s a designer I’m looking for. Your work’s erratic brilliance clearly comes from within you. That’s what makes it special.” “You mean…?” “I think you’re the just the girl I’m looking for.

[monsterp63]

great story. thanks

[meganiwish]

I find proof reading my own work near impossible, and likewise, I can't tell if I'd hidden the twist, because obviously I could see it coming. What do you think, monsterp63?

[CRabbit]

It is a really well thought out and planned short story there Megan. Formatting seems great and I didn't notice any errors in the two times reading through it. The plot twist was dropped when Geoff went to find a parking space. If you'd have broken away as Geoff drove away, we'd had been left wondering what would happen next, as it is the plot twist is given away there, but it's not a big deal - it's explained in the next paragraph anyway All in all, really quite good. I'd had preferred it if the heels were too high for her to walk in rather than too big, that way Pen doesn't insult her future employers daughter on the first day while still being unable to walk normally Chris

[meganiwish]

Thank you for your kind and helpful feedback, Chris. You're completely right, I agonised trying to lose words to fit it into the number allowed (in itself a useful exercise in editing) and all I needed to do was drop the sentence about Geoff driving away. I think over-high heels wouldn't have left Penny feeling foolish enough. Heels can be quite empowering. Also, I have to admit, I think I was too busy chuckling at my own joke. The original idea came from a short TV play I had that never got written. A sort of mini romcom with Penny and Geoff becoming an item. I don't know if you know the film Breezy? A bit like that.

[SleekHeels]

Writing's hard, I think you did well within the 600 word limit, a good balance of dialog and narrative and the almost perfectly concealed twist. In the context of this forum I did wonder for a moment if those big heels were Geoff's - I mean, if I was his daughter I wouldn't want my dad lending out my shoes to anyone! Maybe if Penny had found the shoes in a bag of stuff Geoff's daughter had prepared for a charity shop... but I would've needed 600 words just to explain that! I liked that the shoes didn't quite fit, the "all going wrong" feel helped create empathy for Penny's misfortune and also set up the lucky twist at the end.

Good luck with the competition and thanks for sharing your writing.

[meganiwish]

Thank you, Sleekheels, for taking the trouble to read my words, and for taking the trouble to add your thoughts. It's very helpful to me Yes, you're right,lots of possibilities, but then only 600 words. I have noted your ideas and accepted them gratefully. They will be used in the future LOL. Look out for my TV drama. It's coming, and you saw it here first.