The drama of the gifted child: the roots of childhood on adulthood heeling

[kneehighs]

If you've been a member here for awhile, please bear with me. What I say is meant more for the newer members.

I've been a member here since September 2002 and was reading similar forum posts from Delphi back since 2001. Since then, I've read almost every permutation of "why do I do this?" "how does this all happen?". I've organized some 20 heel meets, talked on the phone with everyone from DawnHH to Xa and Firefox and not once in all my reading and talking has the following issue been approached--the role childhood emotions have in carving out our adult behavior as heelers.

And I don't mean on an intellectual basis either, I mean on an intense EMOTIONAL level. Knowing the technical and intellectual capacity of the membership here, many will think, "I already know this!". They are probably intellectually correct. However, I'd bet my next pair of Louboutin's that their intense emotional experience of that knowledge remains hidden and doesn't match their logical recitation of facts and/or theory.

I'll start with my story. My adopted parents told me they raised me to be like a girl, which meant feel like a girl. Since my primary aim as a child was to secure the love and attention of my mother, to secure myself from another abandonment of a parental figure, I learned quickly to emulate her emotions. I learned that when she wore heels, she felt truly like a woman. And thus, my desire to wear heels and be like my mom was born. It explains to this day why I like to wear heels for I like to feel like a woman and give myself the illusion that I will retain the love of women by doing so. ha, ha!

One day when I was like 5 I recall trying on my mom's black heeled boots. Oddly enough, they look almost exactly like the 4" heeled Nine West boots I wear out with friends with my jeans tucked in now. When she discovered me, she acted surprised and horrified and told me not to wear her boots, but that I could wear them when I grew older. Needless to say, I felt ashamed and helpless. On one hand, here I was doing something I was supposed to do (feel like a woman by wearing heels), and on another hand, here was the person who raised me to be that way telling me what I was doing was wrong. Talk about mixed signals of love.

When I wear heels now, I suffer the temptation to allow those mixed emotions to control my decision To Wear or To Not Wear. On one hand, I'm perfectly fulfilling the role my mother and father scripted for me, living out the intense emotional comfort I felt when I pleased my parents at an early age by feeling like a woman. But on another level, I am looking to also replay emotionally that original surprised look on my mom's face when she discovered me wearing her boots. Naturally, I've discovered that in today's age, most people really don't confront you on your heels and if they do, in my experience, it's usually girls with compliments.

Again, this is not about intellectually mastering the psychological history, anyone can do that and still be f'ed up. It's about re-experiencing the intense emotions I had as a child and comforting myself as an empowered adult. I feel comfortable allowing myself to feel as close as possible those original feelings of helplessness, shame, or embarrassment that come from "being discovered through the element of surprise". I feel comfortable allowing myself to experience the full range of emotions which means I feel comfortable feeling "like a woman" or "feeling feminine". In fact, I enjoy it.

Now I have the capacity to feel those sensations in my body and respond from the giant within myself; the man that knows those helpless feelings of my youth are fleeting through combative cognitive reasoning...the man that knows it won't kill me or even handicap me to feel those feelings all over again because, well, I've done it a million times before and I'm still alive and kickin. The man that knows that ultimately, the value of being permanently happy living in my own skin and the feelings that come with it far exceed the the temporary disapproval and in fact approval of others.

This revisitation of the intense pains of childhood emotions has created in me a newfound sense of freedom. I can be honest with myself, I can face my past and who I am now with striking honesty. I don't have to run from the truth anymore, but I'll be damned if you'll outrun me through the cobblestone streets of Manhattan!

p.s. the title for this thread was inspired by Alice Miller's book, The Drama of the Gifted Child.

[Thighbootguy]

Kneehighs-

I have several questions and an observation.

You said, "My adopted parents told me they raised me to be like a girl" and then referenced an experience with your Mom's boots at the age of 5.

When did your parents tell you that you were being raised as a girl? Was it early on or (as your statement implies) was it after they had already raised you and were justifying their decisions? Your narrative sounded like it was early on and I wonder what you thought about it? Was this a joint decision on your parents part or was it you Mom's or Dad's idea? Did they mean they really wanted a little girl with long hair and dresses, or that they wanted their son to be sensitive to the "female point of view"? (If they wanted that sensitivity, your other posts indicates it worked.)

Could you Mon's instruction about wearing her boots, "not to wear her boots, but that I could wear them when I grew older" simply saying that at 5 years old you were too young to wear heels rather than giving you contradicting directions?

TBG

[Beigeboots]

WOW!! This is such a real and interesting topic kneehighs. You really struck a nerve with me. Some really good questions too Thighbootguy. Firstly, kneehighs, thanks for sharing something so deep and personal as this with us. I take it from your post that you have accepted and embraced the way you were raised albeit confusing (no offence!) Secondly, I applaud you for being able to go out in public, wearing boots over your jeans (are they high heeled boots?). Some very cool friends you have too. Thighbootguy, I found your question about his mom's attitude to, his wearing her boots and his age, really interesting. I wore my mom's boots once when I was very young and she told me that it was naughty and bad. As I grew older I would wear her boots when she was out the house, guess I found something I liked even though I knew I would have gotten the belt or slipper if I was ever caught. It was in my pre-teens that I went to a fancy dress party and my mom suggested that I wear her boots. I was a bit reluctant but she actively encouraged me to wear her boots to the party. (seemed I had come of age to wear heels in my mom's eyes) I was also treated differently to my brothers, I was treated as more of a daughter, not totally but a lot more so than my brothers. My father used to mock me because of the way my mother treated me but he use to treat me differently too. In fact, I can remember my mom even telling me that during pregnancy, she was 100% sure that I was a girl and that I should have been born a girl. She even had a girl's name picked out for me, I had to be renamed when I was born a boy, haha:silly:! Over the years I've come to realise that none of that was my fault, but I've also learned to partly accept that feminine part without feeling too guilty or ashamed about it and that's because a man is suppose to be a man and most women I know like their men to be men. Like I said, it wasn't my fault I was raised like that. I often chat to my parents on Skype now while wearing a skirt and boots and not feeling weird at all, they instilled this this part of me! I don't tell them I'm in a skirt and boots though. I now find that wearing boots and a skirt help calm me down and put my head in to a different mode. Sorry this is sooo long and didn't mean to hijack the OP, it's just that I relate to this topic. Thanks

[Thighbootguy]

I don’t think I had a stressful of difficult childhood, at least I don’t remember it that way. I have mentioned before that my fascination with feminine things was not boots and heels but gloves. I loved to wear my Mom’s gloves. My Dad caught me once and just sort of brushed it off. I did not, however, fall into the category of a gifted child; rather, the local education system grouped me with the dumber crop that was going thought the system at the time. Beigboots mentions discovering his feminine side. I think it important that all of us realize that our personalities are a mix of male and female traits. I finally realized this about 15 years ago (maybe the school system was right, slow learner). I find that my female side has all the creative juices, and my male side has a good mechanical aptitude. The mix of those two, by the way, makes a good computer programmer. I do notice that the balance changes from time to time. The female side wants to be noticed, and the male side would rather blend into the world and evaporate when he dies without leaving a trace. My female side sketches at the art museum, and my male side fixes the brakes on my car. Working together, they write very good computer code. I have not experienced the intense emotional experience that Kneehighs writes about, rather a late discovery that there are really two (at least) forces in me that are in constant combat over how I want to present myself either in heels and on extreme days a skirt or just a regular guy. The days that the heels side wins, I write a post, when the regular guy wins, I don’t post anything (maybe I should to balance things out). Sorry, I did not intend to divert Kneehigh's thread.

[kneehighs]

First off, I'm glad others here chimed in with their story's. Rather than have this thread be all about me, I want it to be an open opportunity for others to share their insights into how their childhood affects their adulthood heeling. Not on an intellectual level, on an EMOTIONAL level. For I firmly believe, that our emotions as children were full of unbridled passion, unbridled desire, and unbridled depth of intensity. At some point in time, those adult figures in our lives taught us that behaviors associated with those emotions were bad. Since as kids we were helplessly dependent on these adult figures for our very existence, helplessly dependent of them for the reliability and security of love that every child requires, we learned to compromise our inner world to maintain the reliable outer world of love and committment from our parents. We compromised the integrity of our inner emotional world to satisfy the needs of the adult figures in our lives--to ultimately secure their continued love and committment towards us.

It is precisely because those emotions of childhood were so strong and intense that their effects can be observed in our lives decades later. My belief is that if you can resolve the disintegrity of emotions that surround wearing high heels, which often first originates in childhood, then you are likely on the path to enjoying future heeling as you would've as a child: with joy, confidence, and emotionally centered brilliance.

Kneehighs-

I have several questions and an observation.

You said, "My adopted parents told me they raised me to be like a girl" and then referenced an experience with your Mom's boots at the age of 5.

When did your parents tell you that you were being raised as a girl? Was it early on or (as your statement implies) was it after they had already raised you and were justifying their decisions? Your narrative sounded like it was early on and I wonder what you thought about it? Was this a joint decision on your parents part or was it you Mom's or Dad's idea? Did they mean they really wanted a little girl with long hair and dresses, or that they wanted their son to be sensitive to the "female point of view"? (If they wanted that sensitivity, your other posts indicates it worked.)

Could you Mon's instruction about wearing her boots, "not to wear her boots, but that I could wear them when I grew older" simply saying that at 5 years old you were too young to wear heels rather than giving you contradicting directions?

TBG

You know, it was only ever my mother who told me they raised me to be like a girl, never my dad. The earliest memory comes from high school. Regarding my mom's contradictory messages, it was unconscious. Mom was a narcissist to the nth degree, and her dad was an alcoholic. So mixed messages were a pervasive part of her upbringing as well as my own. Now that I've learned to accept the imperfections inherent in my upbringing, mourn that I can never go back and change things, I can heal.

And despite that my mom is now dead, I love with all my heart my dad--even in his state of imperfection and imperviousness as contributor to my childhood "abuse"

WOW!!

This is such a real and interesting topic kneehighs. You really struck a nerve with me. Some really good questions too Thighbootguy.

Firstly, kneehighs, thanks for sharing something so deep and personal as this with us. I take it from your post that you have accepted and embraced the way you were raised albeit confusing (no offence!)

Secondly, I applaud you for being able to go out in public, wearing boots over your jeans (are they high heeled boots?). Some very cool friends you have too.

Thighbootguy, I found your question about his mom's attitude to, his wearing her boots and his age, really interesting.

I wore my mom's boots once when I was very young and she told me that it was naughty and bad. As I grew older I would wear her boots when she was out the house, guess I found something I liked even though I knew I would have gotten the belt or slipper if I was ever caught.

It was in my pre-teens that I went to a fancy dress party and my mom suggested that I wear her boots. I was a bit reluctant but she actively encouraged me to wear her boots to the party. (seemed I had come of age to wear heels in my mom's eyes)

I was also treated differently to my brothers, I was treated as more of a daughter, not totally but a lot more so than my brothers. My father used to mock me because of the way my mother treated me but he use to treat me differently too.

In fact, I can remember my mom even telling me that during pregnancy, she was 100% sure that I was a girl and that I should have been born a girl. She even had a girl's name picked out for me, I had to be renamed when I was born a boy, haha:silly:!

Over the years I've come to realise that none of that was my fault, but I've also learned to partly accept that feminine part without feeling too guilty or ashamed about it and that's because a man is suppose to be a man and most women I know like their men to be men. Like I said, it wasn't my fault I was raised like that.

I often chat to my parents on Skype now while wearing a skirt and boots and not feeling weird at all, they instilled this this part of me! I don't tell them I'm in a skirt and boots though.

I now find that wearing boots and a skirt help calm me down and put my head in to a different mode.

Sorry this is sooo long and didn't mean to hijack the OP, it's just that I relate to this topic.

Thanks

You are sooo not hijaking my thread I'm glad you too had the courage to share your thoughts out here. It's interesting how on one hand your dad used to mock you, then on another hand, he participated in it too. It's as if your dad "partly" accepted you, so you can therefore now as an adult, "partly accept" your feminine feelings.

The fact that you were treated differently than your brothers is also interesting. I'm guessing that at the time, that made you painfully feel alone or lonely. On some level I'll bet you replay those feelings of aloneness and loneliness out as an adult when you heel.

Regarding my 4" heeled boots, they are chunky heeled and yes, I can pretty now much wear them out and about without caring about others reactions because frankly, I know I can handle the intense emotional reaction I felt as a kid when being discovered by surprise came.

I don’t think I had a stressful of difficult childhood, at least I don’t remember it that way. I have mentioned before that my fascination with feminine things was not boots and heels but gloves. I loved to wear my Mom’s gloves. My Dad caught me once and just sort of brushed it off. I did not, however, fall into the category of a gifted child; rather, the local education system grouped me with the dumber crop that was going thought the system at the time.

Beigboots mentions discovering his feminine side. I think it important that all of us realize that our personalities are a mix of male and female traits. I finally realized this about 15 years ago (maybe the school system was right, slow learner).

I find that my female side has all the creative juices, and my male side has a good mechanical aptitude. The mix of those two, by the way, makes a good computer programmer. I do notice that the balance changes from time to time. The female side wants to be noticed, and the male side would rather blend into the world and evaporate when he dies without leaving a trace. My female side sketches at the art museum, and my male side fixes the brakes on my car. Working together, they write very good computer code.

I have not experienced the intense emotional experience that Kneehighs writes about, rather a late discovery that there are really two (at least) forces in me that are in constant combat over how I want to present myself either in heels and on extreme days a skirt or just a regular guy. The days that the heels side wins, I write a post, when the regular guy wins, I don’t post anything (maybe I should to balance things out).

Sorry, I did not intend to divert Kneehigh's thread.

Hey, keep your contributions coming! One thing I should clarify is that by "gifted child" I don't mean in terms of intelligence. I mean gifted in terms of being able to vigorously feel with deep intensity the whole spectrum of human emotions. The good with the bad. As kids, we spend most of our time learning how to turn off our emotions as opposed to how to turn them on. Too often our society stigmatizes the feeling of helplessness, the feeling of depression, the feeling of shame as something strong people don't do. Frankly, these are all just cultural constructs, socially constructed stereotypes about what is acceptable much like the socially constructed stereotype that wearing heels for men is bad.

I love your insight and self-acceptance of our female side. Personally, I don't define my polarities in as global a sense as you might, as having a female or male side. It's more a matter of having feminine emotions and masculine emotions.

Also most people tend to idealize their childhood. I'm not saying that you had issues or that you did, but since the human race is by nature imperfect, it only makes sense that mom and dad passed on that imperfection to us. Childhood misdirection comes in many forms, but it's most damaging is that of robbing the child of the integrity of his emotions. Adults carve kids into what they want them to be, often unconsciously.

[Bubba136]

Such an interesting thread. Thanks to KH for posting it.

[partyshoes]

Kneehighs, thanks for having the courage to start this and share with us. Thanks too to Thighbootguy and Beigeboots for their contributions - i look forward to reading more as I try to explore my own roots in this. Although I dont think mine will be nearly as exciting. BTW - Bubba, havent seen you about for a while. Nice to see you back

[kneehighs]

Kneehighs, thanks for having the courage to start this and share with us. Thanks too to Thighbootguy and Beigeboots for their contributions - i look forward to reading more as I try to explore my own roots in this. Although I dont think mine will be nearly as exciting.

BTW - Bubba, havent seen you about for a while. Nice to see you back

Sure! The fact that your's may not appear as exciting to yourself could likely be a good thing, in so far as the reason for lacking excitement is the absence of overt childhood drama. That doesn't mean that issues weren't covert. But one thing is for sure. Some of the most emotionally healthy people I know come across as boring at the beginning.

Also another thing I'd like to clarify in this path to heeling is the necessity of experiencing negative emotions as well as the positive. Like I said before, because society tends to stigmatize the expression of feelings like mourning, grieving, and depression as being negative, of the weak, and therefore emotions to be avoided, these emotions in adulthood -- let alone to be revisited from childhood -- tend to be repressed by the majority. I think once we learn to tolerate and overcome these emotions in ourselves, our path to personal power, in all areas of our lives, is given much more freedom to express itself.

It's okay to mourn your childhood wasn't perfect, that the origins of your fear of rejection from others comes from your parents powerful initial reaction to your wearing mom's heels. It's okay to mourn your past as a result of parental imperfections. For me it doesn't mean that I don't love my dad, or don't honor him. In fact, I'd say it means I honor him even more, because I'm able to express that honor for who he REALLY is--not some idealized image of who he is, born out of the socially constructed attitude that we must idealize our parents.

It's okay to grieve for your past child, the one who longed to wear heels or something else with passionate desire. I know as a kid I longed to wear my mom's heels with intense desire. I remember my 1st grade teachers heels even. I daydreamed of wearing heels and the joy I'd get from it. Imagine the inner thoughts of a 6 year old who longs to wear heels with intense passion and resolving the inner turmoil of socially constructed stereotypes, of mixed emotions coming from his core parental support units--all by himself. A 6 year old is just not capable of dealing with the intense inner emotional conflict in a competent way alone, that will serve him constructively throughout adulthood. Thus, many inappropriate defense mechanisms, addictions, and fetishes are born at this age--out of being forced to cope with complex emotions alone.

What's also interesting is that the more I'm able to revisit those "negative" emotions from childhood and have empathy for myself, the more I'm able to share that empathy with others. Not just with regards to heeling, but with regards to everything. My personal relationships have taken a total turn for the better as well. As they say, when on your death bed, it's not the towers of wealth that you recall in the last seconds of your life, it's the relationships you had that go before your eyes in the last moments before death.

[Thighbootguy]

Kneehighs –

You wrote, "Personally, I don't define my polarities in as global a sense as you might, as having a female or male side. It's more a matter of having feminine emotions and masculine emotions."

I have never associated my emotions with male or female characteristics. But I'll admit I have never thought about emotions in those terms. For me, it's the different capabilities that each side offers that made the split more obvious.

I find that to present myself as a rational person, I have to put a clamp on many of reactions I have to things that are emotionally driven. To accomplish that, I have had to look in a mirror and say, "I don't care", and really mean it, about stuff to which I don't want to react, otherwise my emotions just boil over. That means I will either care passionately about something, or not care at all, there is very little leave way in between.

There are some things (not many) that will move me to tears; a good performance of The Russian Easter Festival Overture, a reading of James Thurber's The Night the Bed Fell, (there is a story behind each of those items) but most things leave me unmoved. I often am asked, "Doesn't it bother you that..." and I have to reply that it honestly doesn't. I really have put a limit on the things about which I care.

When I am out wearing boots, I put an additional protective shell in place so I am really able to not care what others are thinking. Heeling has been good training for this. When I go to a place where others are comfortable with a guy in boots, it is a real joy to be able to let that shell down, and in the case of a good concert, to let some of my emotions bubble up.

Kneehighs, I strongly suspect that with the way you interact with people, you have found a different solution and I would be interested in how you check your emotions, or if you have to. By the way, thanks for starting this thread.

[ilikekicks]

Kneehighs - It might seem odd or even ' unbelievable ' but I have ditched a lot of my ' childhood ' emotions or feelings. ( more on that/explanation in a moment ). I hope you dont mind me joining your conversation. "For I firmly believe, that our emotions as children were full of unbridled passion, unbridled desire, and unbridled depth of intensity. At some point in time, those adult figures in our lives taught us that behaviors associated with those emotions were bad." In some instances, yes. In others, they enforced what THEY believed should be present. ' like father like son ' comes to mind. Not all of such is good as my step father was a ' White, Irish, Catholic ' whom had choice titles for just about everyone whom wasnt. At one point, I can even remember myself making some rather choice remarks that I wouldnt even dream of making in the present day. " Since as kids we were helplessly dependent on these adult figures for our very existence, helplessly dependent of them for the reliability and security of love that every child requires, we learned to compromise our inner world to maintain the reliable outer world of love and committment from our parents. We compromised the integrity of our inner emotional world to satisfy the needs of the adult figures in our lives--to ultimately secure their continued love and committment towards us." True words. As children, all of us have always had that inner desire to ' please the parent '. "It is precisely because those emotions of childhood were so strong and intense that their effects can be observed in our lives decades later. My belief is that if you can resolve the disintegrity of emotions that surround wearing high heels, which often first originates in childhood, then you are likely on the path to enjoying future heeling as you would've as a child: with joy, confidence, and emotionally centered brilliance. " I believe I have done that. I served in the Armed Forces and my ' world ' or perceptions changed a lot. When younger, I did state some very racist things.. as did my father figure. It was nothing to sit at the dinner table hearing about how some ' this ' or some ' that ' or those 2 ' explicative ' stories. I went to bootcamp and wound up having to work with ' those people '. In fact, it went as far as entrusting your lives with ' those people '. You also were entrusted with theirs. I realized ' sins of the father ' can end at some point. It sometimes takes a reality check or being put into a situation where what we have learned is ' just not for me '. I wont say its ' wrong ' but its not how we really believe and we have a decision to make. We finally realize we have a choice to make for ourselves. A decision that requires no input from our parents system of raising us or what their influences were. The choice has always been ours to make but as children, we dont realize such for whatever reasons. Thighbootguy ( and others ) - "I have never associated my emotions with male or female characteristics." I know guys whom cry over a ' chic-flick '. I know babes whom do as well. I know one babe whom is very adept at fixing car engines and she gets mad to the point she has thrown a wrench across the place where she works. I know a guy whom was upset because he cracked/chipped a nail. As you stated, I agree and I have come to the term ' human emotion '. Emotions are universal. They might apply to different individuals in different ways, but we all have them and they are the same ( just on different levels ).

[SleekHeels]

Engrossing topic... it's taken me a couple of days to reply just because there's so much to think about and it's such an emotive subject. I feel that we all start out as a blank canvas and spend our childhood being conditioned, one way or another, into the boxes that society (parents, school, peer-pressure) likes to put us in. Maybe the "gifted" part is having the desire to challenge those boxes as we get older and discern which are worth keeping and which need to be thrown out. It's all too easy to fall into the trap of blaming ourselves for everything ("I'm so screwed up") or blaming everyone else for everything ("society is so screwed up"). Either way the resulting anger and insecurity tends to just get passed on to the next generation. We're pretty lucky if we have the insight to at least aspire to overcome that and break that chain. Kneehighs, I think that really shows in how you've found compassion and empathy for yourself and your circumstances, and in turn towards your parents and their circumstances, and the positive effect that has on how you approach your relationships with the people around you. I also really agree with what you said about rediscovering the child-like joy of wearing heels. Certainly I found my teenage years the most turbulent, whereas now I feel I'm enjoying the freedom (within myself) of wearing what expresses my personality without feeling guilty about it. It's not child-like in a regressive way, just a purity of emotion. It's funny how in a way high heels are "just shoes" and really no big deal, but how they can also seem to have such a profound significance in the development and expression of personal identity from such a young age.

[Arctic]

Now this is an interesting thread. I'll have to read it a little later before I'll contribute.

[roniheels]

This thread does bring back memories. As I have stated in past posts, my mother wore high heels all of the time and had a large collection. When she was not at home, I would try on and wear for lengths of time almost all of her high heels. One time I was caught wearing a pair of Mom's high heels by both of my parents. My Mom told me that boys do not wear high heels, they are for women. My Dad asked me if I was a queer (yes, those were his words). Growing up as a child during the 50's and 60's, women dressed in dresses or skirts and especially high heels. I don't really know exactly what inspired me to admire and enjoy high heels. I know part of it was that they were beautiful shoes in my young eyes. I know the first time I put on a pair of my Mom's high heels I love the feel of wearing them and how they made me feel. And yet the town I grew up in was very blue-collar red-neck attitudes and philosophies that if any of my friends had seen me wearing high heels, me and my family would have been outcasts in the community. It wasn't until the 70's and the disco area when it seemed like everyone was wearing some type of high heeled footwear did I feel like I had "come out of the closet," if you will, as far as having the courage to show my true feelings of self-expression in both the clothes I wore and especially the high heels that I wore. I find myself looking back at that time in history and really enjoying the freedom that everyone seemed to have and wonder why things then seemed to change drastically. No one thought negatively of a man wearing a pink suit and black patent leather high heeled boots or shoes. Soon after that when the "macho man" image seemed to emerge, society then started labeling and stereotyping those who did enjoy expressing themselves. There was even a time as a young man I felt like I was going to go "back into the closet" as far as my feelings toward wearing high heels and dressing the way I really wanted to dress. I guess I just reached a point in my life when I finally said hey, enough. I'm not being me. I'm letting everyone, and I think even my parents past influences, move me in a direction that I reluctantly accepted.I am so happy that so many have contributed to this thread and that's when we find differences and yet so many similarities in our lives.

[Majo]

Kneehighs, thanks for putting the subject on debate. It's really interesting to hear all the visions each one of us has over how they enjoy the use of feminine gear. And how our childhood had to do with it. My youth experiences are different. I grew in a family that had a very non-chauvinistic way. We were raised with no differences between sexes apart from those of clothing and the obvious "the one who is strong should do use strength to help others". This was meant in many senses: spiritual strength, body strength, emotional strength, intellectual strength, and so on. I'm not very sure why I got hooked to the feminine attire. Maybe as I had to play the "tough guy" role -I was the one with the body strength- I longed to be considered the sensible one -which I was too-, a situation which was more deposited onto my sisters. My mother never commented about my eventual cross-dressing when a kid although she knew about it. Perhaps because she realized this could be just an exploratory conduct. I was never encouraged, dis-encouraged, or punished during this period which lasted from my 6 years to my 8 or 9. I was hooked by heels at that time when I tried my mum's heels and I couldn't give them up. On the other hand, skin is for me the most important organ in the body and I must say female clothing is so much more soft, caring and cozy that I can't reject the feeling of using it when I'm willing to. This doesn't mean I'm a cross-dresser in the true sense of the word as I don't enjoy looking as a woman; I just enjoy the contact of my skin with the fabric.

[kneehighs]

Busy with work right now but so coming back to this thread when I can give it the thought people's replies deserve.

One thing though is that it seems the thread could easily derail into a general "How your childhood affects everything in your adult life" as opposed to the specific purpose of this thread at hhplace which is, "How your childhood experiences affects your adult heeling"

If you are someone who thinks you've generally resolved how your childhood emotions affects your adult life, then share your insights so that others (myself included) might gain from how it pertains to the specifics of your adult heeling.

[Steve63130]

Very interesting thread so far. Thanks, Kneehighs, for starting it. I'm firmly convinced that someday science will discover the actual existence of the "high heel gene." All of us here on this forum were all born with it. We can't explain it, it's just there. It's what motivates us, and it's why we can't get rid of our passion for heels even if we try - talk to those who have purged their heel collection and come back again to buy more heels. I think it's more than just conditioning. I don't agree that we're all born with a blank canvas and social conditioning makes us what we are. We're different from birth, and social conditioning mostly just makes us frustrated by establishing artificial gender boundaries. Steve

[SleekHeels]

I find it difficult to believe there's something as specific as a "high heel gene", but I do agree Steve that there is some genetic predisposition that interacts with environmental influences (maybe the "blank canvas" comes in all shapes and sizes)... for me at least, high heels became a symbol of the self-esteem I was seeking as a child, but was it really so inevitable that'd it'd be high-heels and not something else if circumstances had been different? Of course once it clicked there was no going back.

It's interesting what you said about "we can't get rid of our passion for heels even if we try". For many of us it does feel like a compulsion that we have no power over, and maybe it's no less a compulsion when we get older but we do have a choice about how we accept it within ourselves (and stop purging for example) and how we choose to relate to society about it.

[chris100575]

Like a few others on here, my mum and her sister both used to wear high heels almost all the time and I spent a lot of time with them when I was young so I got to see a lot of beautiful shoes. I can't remember which happened first here, so bear with me, but I remember my mum had an old pair of black leather knee-high boots which she used to let me wear around the house. I still remember the boots quite clearly, they had almond toes and the heels were probably about an inch thick and about three inches high, which was low and chunky by her standards. I'm not sure how or why this started, or how old I was, but I could put the boots on without unzipping them and they were over my knees, so I guess I was quite small. I wore them for quite a while and was sad when she threw them away. This was probably only a matter of time anyway as the covering was peeling off one of the heels and she never wore them. Black leather knee boots are still my favourites. When I was three I developed ostemyelitis in my foot, and for a while it was touch and go as to whether I'd lose it. Then it was touch and go whether I'd lose my toes. I think that was just rolled into the whole small child in hospital fear so I didn't notice it specifically at the time, but to this day I'm careful about my feet. As I said, for me this is a bit chicken and egg. I know I was three when I had osteomyelitis, but I cannot remember at what age I started wearing mum's boots. I saw a therapist when I was going through a bad patch a few years back, it wasn't related to my (then) cross-dressing, but that was something we discussed. As best she could figure it's either the trauma of possibly losing my foot led me to fixate on shoes and feet, and my wanting to dress mine up is a way of pampering them; or simply that there is no root cause, it's just something I like in the same way that there's no deep reason why I like curry.

[Gudulitooo]

Hi Kneehighs, I have read your post since you wrote it and was not able to bring an interesting comment until now, and surely even now. I started to wear my mom's heels at the age of 9-10 each time my parents were off. Our home had 3 floors. We lived mostly on floor 1, slept on floor 2, and the door and the shelf with the heels were donstairs. There were no window on the street there. It was a thrill to try the heels on because I could not know when my parents are back. I never ventured upstairs to walk because I knew I wouldn't be able to make it to the shelf before them. Maybe this explain why I liked to 'climb' the stairs in heels. Or maybe had I seen an action movie in which the girl jumps and climbs in her heels such as Bond's girl. Meanwhile, and up to the age of 12, I could not help but keep staring at my teacher's heels (I remember two teachers having different styles). Anyway, I was never caught, I never had such violent emotions related to heel wearing as you, and I don't know what my mom would have said. Knowing her, I would have surely been disappointed by a kind, yet firm, reaction. For emotions, I had my bycicle to ride (I was good at coming back home on one leg...). I agree with chris100575, wearing heels is mainly something I like. You don't know you like it before you try. (writing this I feel like telling a kid to eat at least one bit of his meal). I remember a friend telling that cowboy boots Santiag are like this: try once and you are hooked.

[kikepa]

Wow, kneehighs. That is some very interesting insight, and mirrors my own childhood quite closely. As early as I can remember, I've felt more like a girl than a guy, even though I'm still very much a guy, and a hetero one, too. Doesn't explain why I prefer heels and skirts to flats and jeans, though, does it? I think a lot of your OP does explain things, and I appreciate your sharing it with us! My own mom quietly discouraged my heel-wearing, so there were no intense feeling associated with it, at least not around the house. Still, there was a certain level of shame involved. I recall sneaking into many closets as we were visiting and trying on either the mom's or a daughter's heels. I was caught twice, and yes, there was some real shame going on! That may be the source of intense emotions associated with heeling. Over the years I've worn heels out on a number of occasions, but very rarely do these days because I can't reconcile the shame issue. I have no problem wearing a pony tail, though, and I often openly carry a firearm, which garners more than a few stares, so my lack of street-heeling has little to do with avoiding attention! It's something else.

[kneehighs]

Kneehighs – ...

Kneehighs, I strongly suspect that with the way you interact with people, you have found a different solution and I would be interested in how you check your emotions, or if you have to. By the way, thanks for starting this thread.

Your welcome Thighbootguy. I do want to try to keep this thread focused specifically on the emotions associate with childhood events as much as possible (opera gloves for you). In answer to your question though, I socially calibrate my depth of disclosure. Depth of disclosure depends a lot on proper time and place as well.

Kneehighs -

It might seem odd or even ' unbelievable ' but I have ditched a lot of my ' childhood ' emotions or feelings. ( more on that/explanation in a moment ). I hope you dont mind me joining your conversation.

"For I firmly believe, that our emotions as children were full of unbridled passion, unbridled desire, and unbridled depth of intensity. At some point in time, those adult figures in our lives taught us that behaviors associated with those emotions were bad."

In some instances, yes. In others, they enforced what THEY believed should be present. ' like father like son ' comes to mind. Not all of such is good as my step father was a ' White, Irish, Catholic ' whom had choice titles for just about everyone whom wasnt. At one point, I can even remember myself making some rather choice remarks that I wouldnt even dream of making in the present day.

" Since as kids we were helplessly dependent on these adult figures for our very existence, helplessly dependent of them for the reliability and security of love that every child requires, we learned to compromise our inner world to maintain the reliable outer world of love and committment from our parents. We compromised the integrity of our inner emotional world to satisfy the needs of the adult figures in our lives--to ultimately secure their continued love and committment towards us."

True words. As children, all of us have always had that inner desire to ' please the parent '.

"It is precisely because those emotions of childhood were so strong and intense that their effects can be observed in our lives decades later. My belief is that if you can resolve the disintegrity of emotions that surround wearing high heels, which often first originates in childhood, then you are likely on the path to enjoying future heeling as you would've as a child: with joy, confidence, and emotionally centered brilliance. "

I believe I have done that.

I served in the Armed Forces and my ' world ' or perceptions changed a lot. When younger, I did state some very racist things.. as did my father figure. It was nothing to sit at the dinner table hearing about how some ' this ' or some ' that ' or those 2 ' explicative ' stories.

I went to bootcamp and wound up having to work with ' those people '. In fact, it went as far as entrusting your lives with ' those people '. You also were entrusted with theirs.

I realized ' sins of the father ' can end at some point. It sometimes takes a reality check or being put into a situation where what we have learned is ' just not for me '. I wont say its ' wrong ' but its not how we really believe and we have a decision to make.

We finally realize we have a choice to make for ourselves. A decision that requires no input from our parents system of raising us or what their influences were. The choice has always been ours to make but as children, we dont realize such for whatever reasons.

Thighbootguy ( and others ) -

"I have never associated my emotions with male or female characteristics."

I know guys whom cry over a ' chic-flick '. I know babes whom do as well. I know one babe whom is very adept at fixing car engines and she gets mad to the point she has thrown a wrench across the place where she works. I know a guy whom was upset because he cracked/chipped a nail.

As you stated, I agree and I have come to the term ' human emotion '. Emotions are universal. They might apply to different individuals in different ways, but we all have them and they are the same ( just on different levels ).

It seems like you are honest with yourself about both the pro's and con's of your childhood upbringing and good for you. I would assume that would give you a base advantage in reviewing your childhood for seeds of heel wearing/gender roles to share here--if you wish to share those incidents/memories.

Engrossing topic... it's taken me a couple of days to reply just because there's so much to think about and it's such an emotive subject.

I feel that we all start out as a blank canvas and spend our childhood being conditioned, one way or another, into the boxes that society (parents, school, peer-pressure) likes to put us in. Maybe the "gifted" part is having the desire to challenge those boxes as we get older and discern which are worth keeping and which need to be thrown out. It's all too easy to fall into the trap of blaming ourselves for everything ("I'm so screwed up") or blaming everyone else for everything ("society is so screwed up"). Either way the resulting anger and insecurity tends to just get passed on to the next generation. We're pretty lucky if we have the insight to at least aspire to overcome that and break that chain.

Kneehighs, I think that really shows in how you've found compassion and empathy for yourself and your circumstances, and in turn towards your parents and their circumstances, and the positive effect that has on how you approach your relationships with the people around you.

I also really agree with what you said about rediscovering the child-like joy of wearing heels. Certainly I found my teenage years the most turbulent, whereas now I feel I'm enjoying the freedom (within myself) of wearing what expresses my personality without feeling guilty about it. It's not child-like in a regressive way, just a purity of emotion.

It's funny how in a way high heels are "just shoes" and really no big deal, but how they can also seem to have such a profound significance in the development and expression of personal identity from such a young age.

These are great points here and I'm wondering if you've thought about your specific childhood incidents or parental voices regarding your current state of affairs regarding heeling? You are by no means obligated to share them here if you don't want to, but it could help others.

This thread does bring back memories. As I have stated in past posts, my mother wore high heels all of the time and had a large collection. When she was not at home, I would try on and wear for lengths of time almost all of her high heels. One time I was caught wearing a pair of Mom's high heels by both of my parents. My Mom told me that boys do not wear high heels, they are for women. My Dad asked me if I was a queer (yes, those were his words). Growing up as a child during the 50's and 60's, women dressed in dresses or skirts and especially high heels. I don't really know exactly what inspired me to admire and enjoy high heels. I know part of it was that they were beautiful shoes in my young eyes. I know the first time I put on a pair of my Mom's high heels I love the feel of wearing them and how they made me feel. And yet the town I grew up in was very blue-collar red-neck attitudes and philosophies that if any of my friends had seen me wearing high heels, me and my family would have been outcasts in the community. It wasn't until the 70's and the disco area when it seemed like everyone was wearing some type of high heeled footwear did I feel like I had "come out of the closet," if you will, as far as having the courage to show my true feelings of self-expression in both the clothes I wore and especially the high heels that I wore. I find myself looking back at that time in history and really enjoying the freedom that everyone seemed to have and wonder why things then seemed to change drastically. No one thought negatively of a man wearing a pink suit and black patent leather high heeled boots or shoes. Soon after that when the "macho man" image seemed to emerge, society then started labeling and stereotyping those who did enjoy expressing themselves. There was even a time as a young man I felt like I was going to go "back into the closet" as far as my feelings toward wearing high heels and dressing the way I really wanted to dress. I guess I just reached a point in my life when I finally said hey, enough. I'm not being me. I'm letting everyone, and I think even my parents past influences, move me in a direction that I reluctantly accepted.I am so happy that so many have contributed to this thread and that's when we find differences and yet so many similarities in our lives.

Wow, first off, thanks for sticking to the topic and even citing specific childhood incidents. I can only imagine how hurt you must have felt as a child, given your mom and dad's response to "catching" you wearing heels.

And good for you on taking back control of your life and living out your decisions to wear pumps.

There's no doubt in my mind that the closer we get to our specific incidents and emotions we experienced in childhood, the more integrated and congruently whole our adult heeling identity becomes.

Kneehighs, thanks for putting the subject on debate. It's really interesting to hear all the visions each one of us has over how they enjoy the use of feminine gear. And how our childhood had to do with it.

My youth experiences are different. I grew in a family that had a very non-chauvinistic way. We were raised with no differences between sexes apart from those of clothing and the obvious "the one who is strong should do use strength to help others". This was meant in many senses: spiritual strength, body strength, emotional strength, intellectual strength, and so on.

I'm not very sure why I got hooked to the feminine attire. Maybe as I had to play the "tough guy" role -I was the one with the body strength- I longed to be considered the sensible one -which I was too-, a situation which was more deposited onto my sisters. My mother never commented about my eventual cross-dressing when a kid although she knew about it. Perhaps because she realized this could be just an exploratory conduct. I was never encouraged, dis-encouraged, or punished during this period which lasted from my 6 years to my 8 or 9. I was hooked by heels at that time when I tried my mum's heels and I couldn't give them up.

On the other hand, skin is for me the most important organ in the body and I must say female clothing is so much more soft, caring and cozy that I can't reject the feeling of using it when I'm willing to.

This doesn't mean I'm a cross-dresser in the true sense of the word as I don't enjoy looking as a woman; I just enjoy the contact of my skin with the fabric.

Very interesting Majo, thanks for sticking to the topic and for your openess regarding your upbringing.

I'm curious where you were at in your feelings regarding yourself wearing heels when you and your wife decided you'd not wear them in front of your kids--given that you had what could be considered the advantage of an unreactive mother in your childhood.

Very interesting thread so far. Thanks, Kneehighs, for starting it.

I'm firmly convinced that someday science will discover the actual existence of the "high heel gene." All of us here on this forum were all born with it. We can't explain it, it's just there. It's what motivates us, and it's why we can't get rid of our passion for heels even if we try - talk to those who have purged their heel collection and come back again to buy more heels. I think it's more than just conditioning. I don't agree that we're all born with a blank canvas and social conditioning makes us what we are. We're different from birth, and social conditioning mostly just makes us frustrated by establishing artificial gender boundaries.

Steve

Ah, the old nature v. nurture debate. I actually never thought about there actually being a high heel gene. I have a feeling if science does discover the existence of a high heel gene, it'd first be in the form of a "crossdressing gene", since there's a larger pool of crossdressers to draw information from than there are strictly heel wearing men.

Like a few others on here, my mum and her sister both used to wear high heels almost all the time and I spent a lot of time with them when I was young so I got to see a lot of beautiful shoes.

I can't remember which happened first here, so bear with me, but I remember my mum had an old pair of black leather knee-high boots which she used to let me wear around the house. I still remember the boots quite clearly, they had almond toes and the heels were probably about an inch thick and about three inches high, which was low and chunky by her standards. I'm not sure how or why this started, or how old I was, but I could put the boots on without unzipping them and they were over my knees, so I guess I was quite small. I wore them for quite a while and was sad when she threw them away. This was probably only a matter of time anyway as the covering was peeling off one of the heels and she never wore them. Black leather knee boots are still my favourites.

When I was three I developed ostemyelitis in my foot, and for a while it was touch and go as to whether I'd lose it. Then it was touch and go whether I'd lose my toes. I think that was just rolled into the whole small child in hospital fear so I didn't notice it specifically at the time, but to this day I'm careful about my feet.

As I said, for me this is a bit chicken and egg. I know I was three when I had osteomyelitis, but I cannot remember at what age I started wearing mum's boots. I saw a therapist when I was going through a bad patch a few years back, it wasn't related to my (then) cross-dressing, but that was something we discussed. As best she could figure it's either the trauma of possibly losing my foot led me to fixate on shoes and feet, and my wanting to dress mine up is a way of pampering them; or simply that there is no root cause, it's just something I like in the same way that there's no deep reason why I like curry.

Chris! Thanks so much for sharing and sticking to the point! Do you feel your mom's encouragement of you to wear her boots made it easier for you as adult to wear heels in a self accepting manner?

That's interesting how there may be no root cause, it might just be similar to why some people like spicy foods and others don't. I'm open to that.

Hi Kneehighs,

I have read your post since you wrote it and was not able to bring an interesting comment until now, and surely even now.

I started to wear my mom's heels at the age of 9-10 each time my parents were off. Our home had 3 floors. We lived mostly on floor 1, slept on floor 2, and the door and the shelf with the heels were donstairs. There were no window on the street there. It was a thrill to try the heels on because I could not know when my parents are back. I never ventured upstairs to walk because I knew I wouldn't be able to make it to the shelf before them. Maybe this explain why I liked to 'climb' the stairs in heels. Or maybe had I seen an action movie in which the girl jumps and climbs in her heels such as Bond's girl. Meanwhile, and up to the age of 12, I could not help but keep staring at my teacher's heels (I remember two teachers having different styles).

Anyway, I was never caught, I never had such violent emotions related to heel wearing as you, and I don't know what my mom would have said. Knowing her, I would have surely been disappointed by a kind, yet firm, reaction.

For emotions, I had my bycicle to ride (I was good at coming back home on one leg...).

I agree with chris100575, wearing heels is mainly something I like. You don't know you like it before you try. (writing this I feel like telling a kid to eat at least one bit of his meal). I remember a friend telling that cowboy boots Santiag are like this: try once and you are hooked.

Cool story about your childhood and thanks for sticking to the topic.

Wow, kneehighs. That is some very interesting insight, and mirrors my own childhood quite closely.

As early as I can remember, I've felt more like a girl than a guy, even though I'm still very much a guy, and a hetero one, too. Doesn't explain why I prefer heels and skirts to flats and jeans, though, does it? I think a lot of your OP does explain things, and I appreciate your sharing it with us!

My own mom quietly discouraged my heel-wearing, so there were no intense feeling associated with it, at least not around the house. Still, there was a certain level of shame involved. I recall sneaking into many closets as we were visiting and trying on either the mom's or a daughter's heels. I was caught twice, and yes, there was some real shame going on! That may be the source of intense emotions associated with heeling. Over the years I've worn heels out on a number of occasions, but very rarely do these days because I can't reconcile the shame issue. I have no problem wearing a pony tail, though, and I often openly carry a firearm, which garners more than a few stares, so my lack of street-heeling has little to do with avoiding attention! It's something else.

Hi kikepa, thanks for sharing and for sticking to topic. I know what it's like to sneak wearing heels....I used to wear a pair of my mom's black slingback stiletto pumps when I was 10. When she left me at home in the morning before going to work, I'd sneak into her walk in closet and put on her shoes.

I personally believe that wearing heels is as much an emotional struggle (shame/guilt/embarassment) as it is a cognitive one--if not more so.

Almost everyone here has a clinical understanding that wearing heels is okay. But few have integrated that cognitive mastery with equal emotional intensity. I think that by reviewing our own personal history, we come closer to unifying our identity and achieving the inner poise in adult heeling that truly sets us free to express ourselves.

[kneehighs]

I should add one key thing here. I believe that you can not cherry pick emotions you want to feel. You can't say I'm going to numb myself to the bad emotions of shame, guilt, and embarrassment without also numbing the empowering emotions of joy, gratitude, and confidence. In other words, by numbing ourselves to the shame, guilt, and embarrassment we potentially felt regarding wearing heels in our childhood, we numb ourselves to the potentially empowering emotions of pride, joy, and confidence that we need to counteract those early struggles, or to "reparent" our inner child.

[hhboots]

This an excellent thread KH, and I just now discovered it . I honestly appreciate the deep personal thoughts KH and others have posted here, it really gives me a lot to think about.

I really am not sure where the roots of this are for me. I had always thought it was the fact that my parents divorced when I was young, and I was raised by two older sisters and my mother, and having an almost non-existent relationship with my father until I was an adult.

That might have a lot to do with it, but I think I also was rather insecure as a child, I had somewhat low self esteem when it came to social interaction. I was rather uncomfortable in my own skin, and I guess I felt that I was just different from others. I was very skinny, non-athletic, didn't feel all that attractive, and my social life was often just awkward.

My sisters on the other hand seemed very happy, well adjusted socially, and just seemed so much more confident in life. I have always loved girls/women growing up, always had more female friends, and just felt more comfortable being "friends" with girls, but I didn't have that many "girlfriends" growing up.

I have never once had any attraction to a guy at all, so I know I was never a closet gay person, but I think deep down inside me I felt, perhaps I would have been better off as a girl. I never considered doing anything as serious as changing my gender, and in fact, I would not even consider myself a TV/CD, very rarely do ever I get the urge to fully crossdress, maybe about once a month I might throw on a dress, if that.

However, I do like having certain small feminine elements integrated into my daily life and wardrobe, which often means wearing high heel shoes (for me heels are incredibly sexy and one of the finest expressions of femininity). I guess it is a comfort feeling and somehow it gives me confidence and just feels right to me. As I get older, I have become more comfortable in my skin, and am proud of the fact that I am not conforming to what everyone else is doing.

I am now married and have kids, and I'm really happy to be the way I am. I feel more confident socially than I ever have in my life, but it sure took me a long time to get here. lol

[SleekHeels]

....specific childhood incidents or parental voices regarding your current state of affairs regarding heeling?

The only specific childhood event I remember is watching the movie "Grease" and clicking with the symbolism of the heels... but that movie didn't have the same effect on everyone who watched it, so it was all context really. It probably boils down to a sense of injustice, both at home (angry dad whose approval was impossible to win) and at school (teachers blind to all the bullying going on). The message was that bullies are the winners/heroes, and I concluded that what is right/wrong has little to do with what society approves/disapproves of.

Maybe wearing heels as a child was an escape from the turmoil, maybe a bit of rebellion against the norms/expectations of society, and also a way of keeping a connection between my self-esteem and the qualities I cherished most (kindness, sensitivity, compassion, empathy, encouragement - basically nurturing qualities which are traditionally feminine but actually they're just good qualities). Either way, wearing heels felt like an expression of something "right" but "disapproved" and therefore something I had to do but had to also keep secret - just the ingredients for a sense of childhood isolation.

It all seemed quite fragmented at the time, with forces pulling me apart in all directions, but looking back now it seems quite a coherent picture, and I feel a sense of peace about it. As for the current state of affairs, I think wearing heels has kept that sense of right/wrong and those nurturing qualities alive, and wanting to wear my heels in public is a kind of celebration of that and an expression of positive aspiration and respect/admiration for femininity.. not that society sees it that way of course.

Wow, I did it - I stayed on topic - well, I hope I did.

[Stilettos72]

I have always liked heels simply because I like them. I see nice heels as a work of art. Growing up, I remember how jealous I was that girls seemed to have all these wonderful shoes that guys did not. I also love simple flats. What society calls "women's shoes" are just made so much better than mens. They're sleek and made to fit the foot. I love how a high heel looks on a foot....a good foot that is. Whether on a guy or a girl, having the foot and leg for heels is important. Also, the way heels feel is addicting, like a massage. I've suspected that on so many forums women had adverse reactions to guys wearing heels because then we would know that heels are not uncomfortable or difficult to walk in, yet that is such a common complaint, it's virtually a cliche.

[ChipsHH]

I felt that I should also contribute, because I have a fetish for high heels and like wearing them. But I feel like I inherited it from my mom, who also dearly loves shoes and heels. But since she frowns upon me in liking the footwear, I feel discouraged in doing Outings as much as I would like. I believe it kind of goes with how kneehighs mom contradicted herself with treating him like a girl, I believe; then turning around and "scolding" him for wearing heels. I don't know. I may post later, because I don't know how to really explain my point at this time. I just really wanted to post that bit of my life.

[HappyFeat]

This is a really fantastic thread. It has given me a lot to think about and I am still pondering what I want to write about my childhood. I have "recovered" many memories from distant years that I never gave much thought, but now they do seem to explain quite a bit on how I came to not only accept but embrace how important heeling and fashion freedom are to me. But I will write more about those later. As many of you know I recently became a father. My daughter is now eight months old and is the most remarkable person I have ever met. A month or so ago, I realized that in her entire life, she and never had an ill word spoken to her and has received nothing but love, affection, and attention. This thread only underscores to me how vital it is to carefully tread on how my words and actions are expressed to my child and how she may interpret them. She is a happy human being. All I want is to do whatever I can do to help her always retain the pure happiness that I see in her.

[crotchboots-m]

this is a fascinating thread indeed. i can appreciate one trying to understand the whys and wherefors about wearing heels,but i draw the line at trying to lay blame for it. at this point in ones life the time for that is way past. i say accept it and enjoy it or give it up,if you can.

[ilikekicks]

It seems like you are honest with yourself about both the pro's and con's of your childhood upbringing and good for you. I would assume that would give you a base advantage in reviewing your childhood for seeds of heel wearing/gender roles to share here--if you wish to share those incidents/memories.

I wasnt always honest with myself. I would hazard a guess that none of us were by far and wide. Im sure there are some whom would beg to differ though and believe they have always been honest with themselves. I truly hope such is actually present and that humanity could reach such a level of consciousness.

I asked myself ' why did I join this site? I dont wear heels on a daily basis, its not like if I didnt have what was left here that I would run out and buy a pair to strut around in.. what gives? '

Human interaction. Honest chat. The conversation in itself.

While the main theme of this site is about wearing high heels, I believe there is an underlying tone from what I have read. ' This is me '.

We have our lives, however they might be, but for the most part, we all feel theres something ' different ' about ourselves and we really cant explain it. Some of us wonder why, some of us ( myself ) dont care why and others are still wondering ' Am I abnormal because I like heels? '

I was never into heels or womens footware as a child. I was into Pot, playing in bands and cruising cars. I was a piece of shit ( being 100% honest ). I looked forward to the chance of snaking my friends sisters ( or in one instance, his mother ) and didnt care what tomorrow brought so long as I had the present moment to be ' free '.

What did bring ' heels ' into my life was a very special person. We are no longer together ( its in the story section ) but were still in each others minds and will be in our existences and if there is an afterlife.

I have always admired heels. Theres something magical about them. The ' magic ' is different for everyone. Some of us ( myself ) use them as symbolism. Its not sexual, its not to get attention, its not something like a drug.. its just something saying ' Im myself, not you nor anyone else '.

I didnt realize this until recently ( like less then 2 weeks! ). I might look like a woman by some standards, but I have no desire to be a ' woman '.

I used to hold the belief that a ' couple ' would be a man and a woman. I realized that ' belief ' wasnt mine, it was my parents. I knew of many gays and their situations and it didnt bother me. If they werent really a ' couple ' why didnt this bother me? Their ' fags ' right? Wrong? Who cares?

From seeing all the bar scenes playing with bands in my younger years and doing a tour with the US Armed Forces, I've come to a conclusion that its better to see people caring about each other then involved in beating/maiming/killing one another. I have yet to find someone of sound mind that would disagree with such even with all the variables out there.

I came to a point in life I call ' acceptance '. It was at that same moment in time I realized I didnt really know much of anything and at the same time I knew more then some.

I spent the night, with a woman whom loved me in a position where I ( at the beginning ) thought I wasnt ' myself '. I was in her clothes, in her house, then left for a party, played the party, met all these people whom had compliments/bad comments/were too drunk to comment.. then spent the night at her place.

The next day I asked her if my passing out in her clothes bothered her at all. ' Why should it? ' was her response.

There I was, looking a lot worse for wear in one of her outfits with the stockings ripped up, all kinds of stains on the shirt from spilled drinks/food, her lipstick all over the collar and my face.. and she could ' care less '?

Shes the one whom I credit for *who* I am. Shes the one who really put an end to the superficial side of my life. By superficial, I dont mean ' wants ' -vs- ' needs ' and if I should buy a rolex or a timex watch. She showed me we just ' are '.

I believe we all just ' are ' but as individuals we dont recognize this concept. We feel we belong in a ' collective ' or a ' society ' where we NEED to be accepted. But what part of us has that need and what part could care less for that need?

This is why I feel there really is no ' gender roll '. Theres no specific task ( outside of childbirth ) that is a mandate for any of us. If there is no specific task or mandate, why the commotion about what we put on our feet? What we wear on our torso? Weather we are ' fat ' or ' blue ' or ' yellow '.. does any of it really mater if we are just being ourselves or in my instance ' me '?

This is a part of heeling IMO. A BIG part. Its also a big part of our lives as a whole.

If we for some reason say to ourselves ' Ya know, heeling is fun. I like it, maybe I feel sexy or maybe its a fad or maybe.. ( insert whatever reasons or thoughts here ) ' We are being *honest*. We are being honest with ourselves. That in itself is a great entity and should be praised by all ( being honest ).

So we present this to those around us and we receive mixed reactions. Some good, some bad.. we might even ( speaking as a man ) find women whom are appalled by such a thought!

So we might be inclined to lying or not accepting this part of ourselves. This isnt just with ' heeling ', this is in all of life.

We are given a notion in childhood to ' fit in '. We ' accept ' some things or are quiet about things we really dont believe. We can accept something that is ' untrue ' to ourselves.. a lie.. why?

I think that is what happens in our childhood and it has an effect on us. we are conscious from birth. We can see and feel our surroundings but we dont understand them. Even as adults, we are more aware of our surroundings but do we really understand them? Do we understand ourselves?

Do we really reflect on those childhood memories and do they have a significant roll in who we are today?

It is a very deep thought, one I consider and ponder once in a while.

In some instances, Im sure childhood happenings could have an influence in someone wearing heels or even resenting them ( mother beating her kid with a stiletto would leave a bad impression for sure ). How deep that impression is, It has to variate for each of us.

[Gudulitooo]

the bad emotions of shame, guilt, and embarrassment ...

the empowering emotions of joy, gratitude, and confidence.

KH, just a stupid question : what about emotions like frustation, or entertainment (google translation says "little rascal" for what I have in mind) : right now my kid (2 years old) is feeling alternatively, at high frequency, and at thundering power, these two emotions.

Ok I only remember brief flashes of my life before 7, I can't remember emotions like the ones you propose as bad. Maybe because my parents would always do their best so that I gain self confidence. Or maybe because my brain sort of erased these emotions or locked them in a secured area, so that I don't become insane. Much more probable.

But I sure remember emotions like frustation, playful being, or the ones you label as good.

Just my 1 cent