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xaphod

Quotes from the lighter side of life

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From 'New Scientist' odds and sods column:- Each separate 21 day blister pack of the contraceptive pill Marvelon comes in an individual foiled wrapper with the wording 'child resistant pack'. <font size=-1>[ This Message was edited by: xaphod on 2002-05-25 01:55 ]</font>

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"Work is good for you, according to a study investigating the link between unemployment and public health. Contrary to the popular belief that less work means more leisure, less stress and a longer life, experts say employment rates are a key factor in life expectancy. " Any truth in this? :smile:

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Yep.. the working people envy the unemployed who can do nothing all day long. The unemployed envy the working people as they make some more money and have the social relationships. That's at least true in a country where there are excellent unemployment benefits, like here. Bert

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From an unsolicited cyberad to me: A Canadian man was having coffee and croissants with butter and jam in a diner when an American man, chewing gum, sat down next to him. The Canadian ignored the American, who, nevertheless, started up a conversation. The American snapped his gum and said, "You Canadian folk eat the whole bread?" The Canadian frowned, annoyed with being bothered during his breakfast, and replied, "Of course." The American blew a huge bubble. "We don't. In the States, we only eat what's inside. The crusts we collect in a container, recycle them, transform them into croissants and sell them to Canada." The American had a smirk on his face. The Canadian listened in silence. The American persisted. "D'ya eat jelly with the bread?" Sighing, the Canadian replied, "Of course." Cracking his gum between his teeth, the American said, "We don't. In the States, we eat fresh fruit for breakfast, then we put all the peels, seeds, and leftovers in containers, recycle them, transform them into jam and sell it to Canada." The Canadian then asked, "Do you have sex in the States?" The American smiled and said, "Why of course we do." The Canadian leaned closer to him and asked, "And what do you do with the condoms once you've used them?" "We throw them away, of course." Now it was the Canadian's turn to smile. "We don't. In Canada, we put them in a container, recycle them, melt them down into chewing gum and sell them to the United States." Ain't it great to be CANADIAN!?

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"The Gurkhas, one of the British Army's most fearsome regiments, will train inspectors from the Royal Society for the Protection of Birds in camouflage and surveillance so they can hide in undergrowth and catch collectors stealing rare birds' eggs."

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"An airline is converting a Boeing 747 into a flying casino to leapfrog a legal ban on casinos in Israel, where religious political parties oppose them. The jumbo jet will take off from Tel Aviv three times a day for four- hour gambling flights over the Mediterranean."

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I want to know how they're going to make the roulette wheels run true whilst climbing banking and descending? Otherwise what an excellent idea!

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Here's another Ghurka anecdote from Reader's Digest:- As part of a jungle warfare course run by the legendary Ghurkas, we had to conceal ourselves, as though for an ambush, alongside a track to be combed by our instructors. Determined not to be found, I buried myself in the undergrowth and listened with glee to the groans of my comrades as they were discovered. Finally, I heard the whistle signalling the end of the exercise. I stood up triumphally, stepped out of hiding, and fell flat on my face. A Ghurka had tied my foot to a tree. PS. Anonymous about the fivers was me (if you hadn't guessed)

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From the letters page in todays Daily Telegraph about the £5 note:- From Michael Moore of Portchester Hants. "Regarding the £5 note: replace an engineer with a social reformer and it all falls apart" How very true

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On 2002-05-31 22:37, xaphod wrote:

Here's another Ghurka anecdote from Reader's Digest:-

As part of a jungle warfare course run by the legendary Ghurkas, we had to conceal ourselves, as though for an ambush, alongside a track to be combed by our instructors.

Determined not to be found, I buried myself in the undergrowth and listened with glee to the groans of my comrades as they were discovered.

Finally, I heard the whistle signalling the end of the exercise. I stood up triumphally, stepped out of hiding, and fell flat on my face. A Ghurka had tied my foot to a tree.

PS. Anonymous about the fivers was me (if you hadn't guessed)

I heard a similar story once that during the Falklands War Ghurkas would sneak into Argentine camps, tie their laces together then attack the camp in the conventional way. It must have been funny seeing the Argies trying to get up!

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I heard a story about the Turkish soldiers that were sent by the UN to fight in the Korean Conflict that they would sneak behind the North Korean/ChiCom lines and slit every third soldier's throat as they slept. Supposedly it really did a number on the minds of those who woke up alive the next morning.

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"A former Edwardian public toilet in south London, measuring just four square metres, is to be converted into a two-storey apart ment and will be worth $A200,000. "It has its own front door, it is split level and you have no one above or below you," said the agent."

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Dr Shoe wrote:

" heard a similar story once that during the Falklands War Ghurkas would sneak into Argentine camps, tie their laces together then attack the camp in the conventional way. It must have been funny seeing the Argies trying to get up!"

If only, I thought their method of attack might have been this plus use of the kukri. Not nice as when a Gurkha unsheathes his kukri, he must draw blood with it. Most of the Argentinians were conscripts and the gurka's were not, big attitude difference, end result was not nice. For more about the kukri see: http://www.ronbalicki.com/kukriartical.htm

and you'll get what I mean.

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In the second world war, Ghurkas used to sneak into enemie camps where they had an operative working and by feeling how the boots were laced would tell them if the person was friend or foe.

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On 2002-06-01 21:17, Francis wrote:

...feeling how the boots were ... would tell them if the person was friend or foe.

Hey, we could try that here :smile:

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On 2002-06-01 21:17, Francis wrote:

In the second world war, Ghurkas used to sneak into enemie camps where they had an operative working and by feeling how the boots were laced would tell them if the person was friend or foe.

Yes, that is quite correct. In the British armed forces the boot is a straight lace whereas, the Japanese cross laced. Incidently, this is where the term "straightlaced" comes from because in Victorian times, any man in cross laced shoes or boots was supposed to be a bit of a Cad (bounder, cheat, swindler).

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That reminds me of the origin of the expression "cold enough to freeze the balls off a brass monkey". In the days of wooden fighting ships, cannon balls (of cast iron) were stored stacked in pyramids on deck; they used a shaped cradle made of brass (called a "monkey") to start the first layer. When it got REALLY cold, the brass would contract at a slightly faster rate than the cast iron, thus unseating the first layer and scattering the balls hither and yon. Then there's the expression "My turn in the barrel!"...

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On 2002-06-02 19:04, Dr. Shoe wrote:

In the British armed forces the boot is a straight lace

According to my Dad, the British Army lace their boots this way because it means you can cut the laces in one go, and remove a boot from someone injured much more quickly.

I tend to lace all my shoes that have laces this way, as my Dad did it when I was young.

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"Scrap collectors who tried to dispose of a burnt-out car parked in front of a Frankfurt art gallery were told to leave it alone because it was "a work of art" due to go on display."

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"Dave Gaskell is so finicky about how his hair is cut that he commutes 800 kilometres to his barber. About once a month Gaskell boards a plane in Cincinnati, rents a car and gets a haircut from Donald Stoops in central Pennsylvania."

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"Les Horton spent three hours at the gym every day, stayed up late every night and didn't always get to class on time. The result of this lifestyle? Eight bachelor's degrees in five years of university. Mr Horton, from Kansas City, did it all on three hours of sleep a night."

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"For four straight mornings, a thief with a sweet tooth rushed into a pastry shop in Mexico City and held the staff at knifepoint before making off with a chocolate cake. His mistake, however, was to pounce every day at 8am. On the fifth day the police were waiting."

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I found this posted on another forum--thought y'all would enjoy it; 'twas titled:

"What gender are they?" :smile:

ZIPLOC BAGS - male, because they hold everything in, but you can

always see right through them.

SWISS ARMY KNIFE - male, because even though it appears useful for a

wide variety of work, it spends most of its time just opening bottles.

KIDNEYS - female, because they always go to the bathroom in pairs.

SHOE - male, because it is usually unpolished, with its tongue hanging

out.

COPIER - female, because once turned off, it takes a while to warm up.

TIRE - male, because it goes bald and often is over inflated.

HOT AIR BALLOON - male, because to get it to go anywhere you have to

light a fire under it... and, of course, there's the hot air part.

SPONGES - female, because they are soft and squeezable and retain

water.

WEB PAGE - female, because it is always getting hit on.

SUBWAY - male, because it uses the same old lines to pick people up.

HOURGLASS - female, because over time, the weight shifts to the

bottom.

HAMMER - male, because it hasn't evolved much over the last 5,000

years, but it's handy to have around.

REMOTE CONTROL - female... Ha! You thought I'd say male. But

consider, it gives men pleasure, he'd be lost without it, and while he

doesn't always know the right buttons to push, he keeps trying.

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Bread Kills!!!

98.6% of all murders are committed by someone who has eaten bread at least once in the preceding 6 days!

99.2% of all RTA victims have eaten bread at some time in their life.

99.1% of drug overdose victims have eaten bread on a regular basis.

98.9% of all people dying of "natural causes" have eaten bread in the 48 hours preceding their demise.

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I ordered a radio controlled minicab the other day. When it came, not only was it a full sized car, it had a driver! I guess only UK citizens will get the joke :smile: Minicab= unregulated taxi (but still has to be licenced) Radio controlled= Has a person in the office that gives instructions to the driver (directions, his next pickup etc.) over a two way or CB radio.

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I found this posted on another forum--thought y'all would enjoy it; 'twas titled:

"What gender are they?" :smile:

Beer bottles: Female because they're empty from the neck up!

Just joking Ruth. Honest! No! Not the nettles please!!!!

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Things you'd love to say at work but don't

1. I can see your point, but I still think you're talking bollox

2. I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard to pronounce.

3. How about never? Is never good for you?

4. I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.

5. I'm really easy to get along with once you people learn to see it my way.

6. I'll try being nicer if you'll try being smarter.

7. I'm out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message.

8. I don't work here. I'm a consultant.

9. It sounds like English, but I can't understand a word you're saying.

10. Ahhh...I see the screw-up fairy has visited us again...

11. I like you. You remind me of when I was young and stupid.

12. You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers.

13. I have plenty of talent and vision. I just don't give a damn.

14. I'm already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.

15. I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you.

16. Thank you. We're all refreshed and challenged by your unique point of view.

17. The fact that no one understands you doesn't mean you're an artist.

18. Any connection between your reality and mine is purely coincidental.

19. What am I? Flypaper for freaks!?

20. I'm not being rude. You're just insignificant.

21. It's a thankless job, but I've got a lot of Karma to burn off.

22. Yes, I am an agent of Satan, but my duties are largely ceremonial.

23. And your crybaby whiny-butt opinion would be...?

24. Do I look like a people person?

25. This isn't an office. It's Hell with fluorescent lighting.

26. I started out with nothing & still have most of it left.

27. Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.

28. If I throw a stick, will you leave?

29. Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.

30. Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed.

31. I'm trying to imagine you with a personality.

32. A cubicle is just a padded cell without a door.

33. Can I trade this job for what's behind door #1?

34. Too many freaks, not enough circuses.

35. Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it?

36. Chaos, panic, & disorder - my work here is done.

37. How do I set a laser printer to stun?

38. I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted paychecks.

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