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Quotes from the lighter side of life

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From the media: "A London clinic is charging red faced professionals e$11,000 to drill a hole in their armpits, snip away nerve endings and stop them blushing. Patients include TV presenters and Bankers who are fearful that signs of weakness maay damage their careers." Inga :smile:

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Another: "A sneaky female driver's ploy to use a Washington highway's car pool lane, which requires at least one passenger per vehicle, came unstuck when her mini-van was involved in a crash. Police discovered the woman's passenger was a life-sized mannequin." Inga :smile:

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Another: ""Thou shalt not plagiarise sermons" may have to be added to the 10 Commandments in the wake of the 90-day suspension of a Michigan clergyman for lifting his remarks from the Internet. The local bishop is conducting an investigation." Inga :smile:

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And another, enjoy "A Welsh motorcyclist who filmed himself tearing along roads at 264 kmh is serving a one-year jail term. Wayne Soman, 32, strapped a video to the petrol tank of his 900cc Kawasaki. Swansea police spotted the camera after stopping him at a checkpoint." Inga :smile:

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How to Please Your I.T. Department

** When you call us to have your computer moved, be sure to leave it buried under half a ton of postcards, baby pictures, stuffed animals, dried flowers, bowling trophies and children's art. We don't have a life, and we

find it deeply moving to catch a fleeting glimpse of yours.

** Don't write anything down. Ever. We can play back the error messages from here.

** When an I.T. person says he's coming right over, go for coffee. That way you won't be there when we need your password. It's nothing for us to remember 700 screen saver passwords.

** When you call the help desk, state what you want, not what's keeping you from getting it. We don't need to know that you can't get into your mail because your computer won't power on at all.

** When I.T. support sends you an E-Mail with high importance, delete it at once. We're just testing.

** When an I.T. person is eating lunch at his desk, walk right in and spill your guts right out. We exist only to serve.

** Send urgent email all in uppercase. The mail server picks it up and flags it as a rush delivery.

** When the photocopier doesn't work, call computer support. There's electronics in it.

** When something's wrong with your home PC, dump it on an I.T. person's chair with no name, no phone number and no description of the problem. We love a puzzle.

** When an I.T. person tells you that computer screens don't have cartridges in them, argue. We love a good argument.

** When an I.T. person tells you that he'll be there shortly, reply in a scathing tone of voice: "And just how many weeks do you mean by shortly?" That motivates us.

** When the printer won't print, re-send the job at least 20 times. Print jobs frequently get sucked into black holes.

** When the printer still won't print after 20 tries, send the job to all 68 printers in the company. One of them is bound to work.

** Don't learn the proper term for anything technical. We know exactly what you mean by "My thingy blew up".

** Don't use on-line help. On-line help is for wimps.

_________________

Posted Image

Happy Heeling

Calv

<font size=-1>[ This Message was edited by: Calv on 2002-03-18 09:52 ]</font>

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Another media one: "A thief was allowed to walk off a cruise ship in the Bahamas with a $25,000 Picasso etching when organisers avoided searching passengers before they got off. Officials said it was easier to write the theft off as a loss rather than searching the 2500 passengers." Inga :smile:

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From the media: "Two men who tried to rob a cash machine in Kentucky by running a chain from the machine to the bumper bar of their utility only succeeded in pulling off the bumper. Scared, they fled the scene, leaving behind the bumper with the number plate still attached." Sort of reminds one of the "Blue Brothers". Inga :smile:

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From the media: "Drinking pints in the pub is a more important part of Irish life than worshipping at church, a market research survey has found. Just 22 per cent of people surveyed said church was important, while 35 per cent made going to the pub at least once a week a priority." Inga :smile:

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From the shop window of Faith in Lakeside There are more important things in life than shoes ............. (but not right now though) :smile: <font size=-1>[ This Message was edited by: Bob on 2002-03-23 10:17 ]</font>

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Yet another: "A gutsy adventurer plans to sail from New York to Rio de Janeiro in a boat made from 180 plastic bottles. Jose Geraldo de Souza Castro, who expects to complete the journey in two years, has made a plastic boat to high light the pollution of oceans from trash." Inga :smile:

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From 'The Week', a news digest for busy people. --------------------------------------------------------------------- Bad week for the US immigration service .... with the news that it has granted visas to two of the terrorists who flew aircraft into the Twin Towers 6 months ago. The agency was not only unaware that the men were dangerous, but also they were dead !

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That can happen if you put all your efforts fighting terrorism abroad.

By the way, let me assure you I'm not anti-American at all, but sometimes I'm a bit crtitical or cynical.

_________________

Be youself, enjoy any footwear you like and don't care about what others think about it, it's your life, not theirs. Greetings from Highluc on http://walk.to/highluc

<font size=-1>[ This Message was edited by: Highluc on 2002-03-24 14:51 ]</font>

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From the media: "Cash wasn't the only demand from a New Jersey bank robbery suspect. She also was hop ing the bank would provide a getaway driver. After ordering a teller to fill a plastic bag with money, the woman demanded that someone give her a ride, a prosecutor said." Inga :smile:

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Another media one: "London's new toilets will pop up out of the ground after dark when revellers come out. In the morning the urinals, to make their debut soon in the West End, will retreat into the pavement where they will look like manhole covers" Inga :smile:

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From todays Daily Telegraph: Sailor pays cabbie fish and tips An inebriated Russian seaman who ran out of money after a night out in a Cornish resort settled the £34 taxi fare back to his trawler with a bag of Dover sole. Gary Daniels, 42, the taxi driver, picked up the fisherman from a nightclub in Newquay and took him 20 miles back to his boat in Padstow. But during the journey the fisherman, who spoke virtually no English, showed Mr Daniels an empty wallet and indicated that he would have to borrow money from a crewmate. He eventually returned from his trawler with a carrier bag containing 15 fresh dover sole. Yum Yum!

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From the media: Like this one? "A man in the Indian city of Calcutta who applied for a state government job 34 years ago finally got an interview call this week - but said he was now too old for a post. The 52-year-old grandfather was just a teenager when he registered." Inga :smile:

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Media again: "Teachers in the United States have banned children from playing cops and robbers as part of a zero-tolerance crackdown on any signs of violence at school. Youngsters at several schools across the US have been punished for pretending to be policemen or criminals." Inga :smile:

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Yeah right!!! Like that's going to do anything!!! I would like to see a statement on how schools put bullies in sensitivity classes. :smile: Brave new world…..

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From 'The World in Brief' on teletext:- Steve Madden, who built an empire designing chunky shoes for teenagers, has been jailed for almost 41 months in New York for cheating investors.

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Here's one from the media especially for you Firefox. "A Japanese company has invented a high-tech pint glass that tells bar staff when it needs refilling. The glass is fitted with a radio- frequency coil in its base and emits a signal to waiters equipped with hand-held computers when it's empty." Inga :smile:

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Another, "Unable to stop the bickering, the Columbia City Council in Tennessee has decided to go for counselling. The seven-member city board has voted to spend $US5000 on a counselling coach to help them "feel comfortable talking" instead of "staring daggers" at one another." Sometimes it gets a bit like this in the workplace, anyone every experienced that. Inga :smile:

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How to keep peoples attention. "A Spanish priest fed up with mobile phones ringing during Mass has installed an electronic jammer to keep his flock in tune with God. The jammer transmits low-power radio signals that sever communications between cellular handsets and cellular base-stations." Inga :smile:

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Here's another from the media, quite amusing. "An al Qaeda suspect who was allowed to leave his Indian prison on bail refused because he'd signed up for a prison yoga class. A newspaper quoted him as telling his jailors: "It would be absolutely criminal to leave the course half-way." " Inga :smile:

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"Cheeky thieves in New Zealand stole a six metre by three metre billboard erected near a busy road junction in Auckland. The board read: "Zero tolerance for crime." " Inga :smile:

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More of a joke, check this article out. Penis puppetry no laughing matter for Kiwis April 11 2002 Authorities in a New Zealand town were today condemned for allowing a performance on council property on the "art of genital origami". But Tauranga District Council's mayor Jan Beange was unapologetic, saying opponents did not need to go. The Australian show, Puppetry of the Penis, is billed as a comedy where "two naked penis puppeteers" manipulate their penises into various shapes in "an astounding, jaw dropping series of penis installations." Tauranga district councillor Joel Van Ameringen said using public amenities to host the show was not appropriate. "I am appalled," he said. "I believe that if there isn't one already the council ought to have a policy on the use of public premises." Beange defended the council position, saying it was not up to them to "set standards of morality for others through its management of (the theatre). "Anybody who wants to attend will go and pay to attend the show if they are interested," she said. "If they are not interested and they object, they simply do not go." The novelty show has played to sell-out shows in Australia and London since it debuted in 1998. AFP Inga :smile:

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Some people are dumb, thankfully. "Police in San Francisco arrested Roberto Balderama, 45, for robbing a bank and a shop after he darted into a beauty salon for a shave to change his appearance. Police recognised his truck outside the salon and arrested him as he sat with a hot towel on his face." Inga :smile:

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Any Finns out there. "Finns have started wondering if their spirit of fairness has gone too far after Anssi Vanjoki was fined $A193,700 for doing 75 kmh in a 50 kmh zone. In Finland fines are based on the offender's income - the Nokia executive earns almost $A10 million a year." Punative! Inga :smile:

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One from the media: "Worried your goldfish is going round in circles? Italian designers at this week's Milan design fair have the answer - a state-of-the- art bowl with a separate bedroom and living room. Pet reptile uncomfortable on your shoulder? They also have an "iguana sofa"." Inga :smile:

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