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xaphod

Quotes from the lighter side of life

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Those who were on UK_heel_2002 will be aware of my habit of burying my nose in old (and sometimes new) books. I thought we could use this thread to post amusing quotes and anecdotes. I'll start with a piece from 'The Gentleman's Magazine, March 1731'. 'CASUALTIES' A poor Man was found hanging in a Gentleman's Stable at Bungay in Norfolk by a Person who cut him down, and returning for Assistance, left his Penknife behind him; the poor Man recovering cut his Throat with it and a River being nigh, jump'd into it, but Company coming, he was dragg'd out alive, and was like to remain so. (The punctuation is verbatim, but I have substituted modern 's' for the old-fashioned 'f' in the middle of words)

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How about this one, sent by someone I know in California: Anyone planning a trip soon? BEWARE!! A man named Mr. Smith was flying from San Francisco to LA. Unexpectedly, the plane stopped in Sacramento along the way. The flight attendant explained that there would be a delay, and if the passengers wanted to get off the aircraft, the plane would re-board in 30 minutes. Everybody got off the plane except one gentleman who was blind. Mr. Smith had noticed him as he walked by and could tell the blind man had flown before because his Seeing Eye dog lay quietly underneath the seats in front of him throughout the entire flight. Mr. Smith could also tell he had flown this very flight before because the pilot approached him, and calling him by name, said "Keith, we're in Sacramento for almost an hour. Would you like to get off and stretch your legs?" Keith replied, "No thanks, but maybe the dog would like to stretch his legs." Picture this: All the people in the gate area came to a complete quiet standstill when they looked up and saw the pilot walk off the plane with the Seeing Eye dog! The pilot was even wearing sunglasses. People scattered. They not only tried to change planes, they were trying to change airlines! Have a weekend and remember, things aren't always as they appear!

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Here's one from me, rather from the media. 'An Israeli thief found himself stuck in a life of crime when he tried to steal a car radio. The robber was leaning through a car window in the town of Beersheeba when he closed the electric window, trapping himself. The owner alerted by his cries, came to his rescue." Inga :smile:

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From a production meeting for the European Space Agency, Advanced Synthetic Aperture Radar Satellite .... 'Somebody must decide whether to decide to make a decision' An Engineer, traditionally thinking about something else at these bunfights, was so gobsmacked at this, that I a) woke up, and :smile: wrote it in my logbook for posterity.

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Here's another: "A Slovenian smashed his car through the glass doors of a hospital and drove down a corridor to the reception desk to ram home his demand for psychiatric treatment. Newspaper reports said the 48 year old became angry when he was refused an appointment" Inga :smile: <font size=-1>[ This Message was edited by: IHeels on 2002-02-09 08:54 ]</font>

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Hiya, I put this one in the jokes thread, it may be more appropriate here. One of the All - Time best quotes: In a recent interview, General Norman Schwartzkopf was asked if he thought there was room for forgiveness toward the people who have harboured and abetted the terrorists who perpetrated the 11 Sept attacks on America. His answer was classic Schwartzkopf. He said, "I believe that forgiving them is God's function. Our job is simply to arrange the meeting." Inga :smile:

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In the middle of going through an old pile of junk, I came across this from a Reader's Digest of 1974. I don't have the quote to hand, so I'll parrotphrase ..... I was in a shoe shop next to an old lady with steel-grey hair, in conservative dress. She was trying on a pair of platform shoes in a most outrageous turquoise. A young girl entered and exclaimed, "Oh no, Gran, you're surely not buying those! " Sensing resistance, the young girl reasoned, "But you don't have anything that matches. What on earth are you going to wear them with? " "Defiance," Gran smiled.

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From 'New Scientist', 'I wish' headline competition:- "Time Travel to be Discovered Next Year" "Meteorite Hits Lottery Winner" "Indestrooktibul Spel Chequer Virrus on Rimpoge" "Immune System Boosted by Real Ale"

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From Usenet: "Misspelled? Impossible! I have an error correcting modem."

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Here's one from the media. When "laundering" comes up in narcotics cases, ti usually involves the concealing of money. Not so in the latest case at Orlando International Airport. A Columbian laundry used herion as starch for shirts and jeans and hired a smuggler to take the clothes into Florida. Inga :smile:

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shades of Cheech and Chong's "Up in smoke" there. Remember the marijuana van?

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Here's one from the Olympics: "Secret service agents shopping for souvenirs in Salt Lake City left behind instructions for protecting Vice President Dick Chaney and his family at the Winter Olympics The documents outlined the positioning of agents during the closing ceremony." So much for security? Inga :smile:

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From GWR FM Swindon "After the tax man has taken enough money to Balance the Budget it is left to the taxpayer to Budget the Balance" B) Many a true word spoken in jest :smile:

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Very true, probably worse here in Aust than GB, high tax country. May'be we all ought to go and live at places like Jersey, Monaco, Andorra, Bermuda etc, don't think taxes exist in these. Inga :smile:

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Inga Unfortunately before you can live in those places you mentioned, you already need to have made your fortune (by various means, only some of them legal). Still trying to make mine. :smile:

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Mine too, tend to spend big on fashion, keeps me poor, despite having a reasonable disposable income. Inga :smile:

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More to the point funny quote: "Advocates of garden gnome rights wound up a nine-day convention in Germany withan appeal for a crackdown against clumsy lawn-mower operators. Up to 1,500 self-proclaimed gnomologists took part in the first German Gnome Congress in the city of Chemitz." Inga :smile:

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We all know of Murphy's, or Sod's Law, one instance of which states that a buttered piece of bread will always land buttered side down. There are various extensions of this. Here are some from an old copy of the 'Daily Mail', plus some others. The Unspeakable law - As soon as you mention something, if it is good, it goes away and if it is bad, it happens. Non reciprocal Law of Expectations- Negative expectations yield negative results: positive expectations yield negative results. Etorre's Observation - The other queue always moves faster. Maier's Law - If the facts don't correspond to theory, they must be disposed of. The n+1 effect - If a person drinks n pints of beer, they will need to go to the toilet n+1 times. The +1 time will interrupt the soundest sleep. Barth's Distinction - There are two types of people. Those who divide people into two types, and those who don't. Xaphod's Conjecture - For every politician's positive, but imaginary, action, there is a real negative reaction. Farber's Fourth Law - Necessity is the mother of strange bedfellows. Newton's Fourth Law - No matter how much you shake it, the last drop falls down your trouser leg. Kirchoff's Fiddle Factor - When experimental data bears no relation to theory, Kirchoff's Fiddle Factor allows data to be computed from theory, providing some uncertainty is added to account for experimental error. O'Toole's commentary on Murphy's Law - Murphy was an optimist ! ----------------------------------------------------------- Oh, about the Channel Isles being a tax haven; this is a popular misconception. Income tax is levied at 20%, plus compulsory health insurance at 5%, on worldwide income. Due to the pathetic allowances against foreign taxation, purporting to be a comprehensive dual taxation agreement, most people end up paying tax in their home country, plus tax in the Channel Isles. You ask anyone there with a UK pension, they will say they are taxed twice.

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Pretty smart the residents there, think there might just be a bit missing from the WW income. Inga :smile:

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Here's another, quote: "A thief who stole a car with an 89 year old man inside later dropped him off at his home 11 kilometres away. The pensioner was waiting for his driver outside the Royal Soth Hants Hospital when the thief jumped in and drove off" Might have got some press in the UK. Inga :smile:

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Taken from yesterdays papers. "Police in South Wales are looking for an audacious thief who stole a bus, drove it around a local bus route for about two hours, picking up unsuspecting fare paying passengers, then disappeared with about £150 in collected fares."

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Another from the media, enjoy: "Coconuts are more dangerous than sharks, according to a London travel insurer who has advised holidaymakers to take out cover for the more bizarre travel risks. Citing a university study, the company says coconuts kill around 150 people worldwide each year." Inga :smile:

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I don't remember who said this but here goes. They say a buttered piece of bread lands buttered side down.... They also say that a cat always lands on it's feet. What do you suppose would happen if you tied a piece of buttered bread onto the back of a cat, so the butter is down onto the cat, and then dropped the cat from - like 3 feet up - would the cat simply spin in the air, defying gravity? It does make for some amusing mind-images.... _________________ "Never be bullied into silence. Never allow yourself to be made a victim. Accept no one's definition of your life; define yourself." -Harvey Fierstein <font size=-1>[ This Message was edited by: ShockQueen on 2002-03-07 01:23 ]</font>

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A trend which has spread from the USA to Britain is for companies to put a "Hows my Driving" sticker on the back of their vans. According to todays Daily Telegraph a cycle courier in London was displaying the following home made sign on the back of his bike - How's my riding? Call 0800-LIKE-I-GIVE-A_S**T :smile: Tickled me anyway when I read it.

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Speaking of "laws" Cole's Law Shredded cabbage and carrot in mayonaise.

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This was e-mailed to me today. Believe it if you will! :smile: Subject: Fw: Women Drivers What's a Guy to do... Driving to work this morning on the Interstate, I looked over in the left lane and there was a woman driving 70 miles an hour in a Mustang, with her face up in the rear view mirror putting on her eyeliner. I looked away for a couple of seconds, when I looked back she was half way over in my lane, still putting on her makeup. It scared me so bad, I dropped my electric shaver, which knocked the donut out of my other hand. In all the confusion of trying to straighten out the car with my knees against the steering wheel, it knocked my cell phone from my ear, it fell into the coffee between my legs and DISCONNECTED AN IMPORTANT CALL!!!!! "STUPID WOMEN DRIVERS"!!!!!

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This one's been around for a while. I sent it as an email in 1996, then received it back via whatever circuitous route in 1999. If you havn't seen it, enjoy ..... We have you on radar 2 miles dead ahead, please alter your course 10 degrees to starboard. Sorry, I suggest you alter course instead. I REPEAT, please alter course. Sorry that is not possible. WE ARE A LARGE VESSEL and restricted in ability to manoueuvre, alter course 10 degrees to starboard NOW. I cannot alter course. If you wish to avoid a collision, I'm afraid you must alter course. THIS IS A LARGE UNITED STATES NAVY AIRCRAFT CARRIER .... YOU WILL ALTER COURSE 10 DEGREES TO STARBOARD ! this is a lighthouse ...... your call

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I seen this on a bumber sticker on one of my friends VW Passat VR6. " Can't find your cat? Try looking under my tires." <font size=-1>[ This Message was edited by: hoverfly on 2002-03-19 07:23 ]</font>

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On 2002-03-09 00:04, Tacchi Alti wrote:

This was e-mailed to me today. Believe it if you will! :smile:

Subject: Fw: Women Drivers

What's a Guy to do...

Driving to work this morning on the Interstate, I looked over in the left

lane and there was a woman driving 70 miles an hour in a Mustang, with her

face up in the rear view mirror putting on her eyeliner. I looked away for

a couple of seconds, when I looked back she was half way over in my lane,

still putting on her makeup. It scared me so bad, I dropped my electric

shaver, which knocked the donut out of my other hand. In all the confusion

of trying to straighten out the car with my knees against the steering

wheel, it knocked my cell phone from my ear, it fell into the coffee

between my legs and DISCONNECTED AN IMPORTANT CALL!!!!!

"STUPID WOMEN DRIVERS"!!!!!

Happens to me all the time when I'm driving my 17 tonner. Some people can be so inconsiderate, sometimes they toot at me while I'm on the phone!

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The Dictes and Sayings of the Philosophers, 1477. From the foreword written by William Caxton:- "The women of this country are right good, pleasant, humble, discreet, sober, chaste, obedient to their husbands, true, secret, steadfast, ever busy, never idle, temperate in speaking and virtuous in all their works. Or at least they should be so."

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